Amaranthine
by fracturedfairytales
Summary: AU. Second part of 'Serendipity'. Lucas and Riley have finally dropped their guards in order to be with one another, but what happens when outside forces and a simple misunderstanding threaten their relationship? Rucas centric. Markle. NOTE: This fic contains physical/emotional violence.
1. Prologue

_**A/N: The second half of 'Serendipity'. The reason for the split is because the title 'Serendipity' didn't exactly fit the story anymore. I hope you all enjoy it.**_

 _ **I also want to note that I am going to LA Saturday-Wednesday (and to a GMW taping), so there won't be any updates during that period.**_

* * *

 _ **Amaranthine**_

 _eternally beautiful and unfading; everlasting_

 _Riley smiled as she and her best friend, Maya Hart, entered the crowded subway. Another Monday, another school day, except for one small detail. It was the last week of their junior year. Only two more actual days of class before finals. She could practically smell summer vacation, and after the year she had, she couldn't wait for a much needed break. Her summer plans were already set: much needed friend time by the pool at Farkle's parents' rooftop oasis. She wanted to float around on an inner tube for the next three months without a care in the world._

" _You aren't even listening to me, are you," she suddenly heard the blonde say next to her._

" _Hmm?" She looked at an unamused Maya. "Sorry," she chuckled. "I was just thinking about—"_

 _The blonde rolled her eyes. "Lucas? Was it Lucas? Could it have been Lucas? Lucas."_

 _Riley rolled her eyes. "Actually no. I was…thinking about summer."_

 _Maya's eyes brightened. "My favorite subject!"_

" _I've just been day dreaming about Farkle's pool and just relaxing…trying to forget most of this year."_

 _Maya grinned. "But not all of it, right," she nudged playfully._

 _A blush crept up on Riley's cheeks. "No. Not all."_

" _This is the first time in what, a month, that we took the subway without him?"_

 _Riley nodded. "Yeah. Just like old times, right?" When Maya didn't respond, Riley looked at her. Maya was looking past Riley's shoulder at someone behind the brunette. "Maya? What is it?"_

" _This guy. He's been staring over here ever since we got on the train."_

" _Maybe he likes you?"_

" _I am very much taken, thank you Miss Matthews." She looked back at the guy. "I…I think he's looking at you, Riley. Oh man…cowboy is going to hate that he missed this."_

" _Don't be ridiculous. I'm sure he isn't," Riley turned her head to look at the stranger. Her smile faded as her mocha eyes met a pair that mirrored her own. She swallowed as it felt like a ton of bricks had suddenly fallen on her head. This couldn't be happening again, could it? It was impossible. She had stopped dreaming about 'subway boy' after she met Lucas. But why did this feel so familiar? Why was her heart fluttering? Why couldn't she tear her eyes away from him?_

 _Lucas._

 _She was with Lucas. She was in love with Lucas. Lucas had green eyes, eyes that she knew she had gotten lost in more than once in the past eight months of knowing him. Eyes she never once got tired of. Eyes that always let her know what he was thinking and what kind of mood he was in. Eyes that she loved._

 _These were not those beautiful emerald eyes. These were mahogany, and reminded Riley of her first love—chocolate._

 _Why couldn't she look away? Why was she drawn to this guy? No! She was happy. She was in love. This had to be some sick dream, right? Just as everything in her world was beginning to set itself straight, things suddenly had to get flipped upside down once more?_

 _She closed her eyes as she forced herself to break the connection with the handsome stranger. She turned her head back to Maya before she opened her eyes. "Maya?"_

 _Maya nodded. "I saw." She walked to the other side of the brunette. "I think there is only one thing we can do at this point," she said cryptically._

 _Riley frowned. "What's that?"_

" _Not think," she smiled as she loosened Riley's grip on the pole._

 _The subway screeched to a halt, sending the brunette backwards. Riley closed her eyes as she soared toward the emergency exit. She barely had time to let out a scream before two arms reached out to grab her. Her heart raced as she felt the stranger pull her close. She heard him ask her if she was ok. Riley took a deep breath before she opened her eyes. Brown eyes met green, but they weren't the shiny emerald orbs of her boyfriend._

 _These eyes had brown flecks that framed the pupils._

 _Riley swallowed harshly as she recognized those eyes—eyes she swore she would never have to see again. She opened her mouth to scream, but he placed a hand over it. "Don't scream," he hissed. "I'd hate to have to drag the others into this, wouldn't you?" He gestured to the other side of the subway car._

 _Riley's frightened eyes followed his line of vision to the other side of the car where Maya stood with Farkle, Zay, and Lucas. They were all huddled together, engaged in some sort of lively conversation as they all took turns laughing at what the others were saying._

" _Oh, they can't see us," the voice behind her sneered._

 _She blinked several times before she slowly turned her head back to her captor. "What do you want, Charlie?"_

 _He laughed maniacally at her question. It was as if it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. "You ruined my life," he finally told her. "I want to see the same for you. I want them all to turn against you. I want your relationship with him to turn to ash."_

 _She narrowed her eyes at him. "That's not going to happen."_

" _Oh, no?"_

 _She wasn't going to let him intimidate her ever again. She had just gotten her life back. She wasn't about to give it up that easily. She'd die first. "Over my dead body," she growled at him._

 _He shrugged. "That can be arranged." He grinned as he pulled out a revolver from his jacket. Riley barely had time to react before she heard the gun shot._

Riley screamed as she sat straight up in bed. Her heart raced pounded in her chest as she hyperventilated. She brought a hand to her forehead as she wiped away the perspiration that had formed. _'It was just a dream,'_ she tried to tell herself.

"Riley," Maya's panicked voice asked from next to her. She sat up as she wrapped an arm around Riley's shoulders. "Are you ok?"

Riley took a few deep breaths before she spoke. "I…I…I had another one."

"Really?" Maya wiped Riley's hair away from her face as she leaned in to hug her.

"I thought…I thought I was over this." Riley's voice shook as the images of her ex-boyfriend flashed through her mind. "I haven't had one in a month."

"I know." Maya pulled back from the brunette as she began to rub her back. "What happened?"

"It was the subway one," Riley leaned forward as she buried her face in her hands. "This felt so much more real than the other ones. I heard the shot this time." She sniffed as tears formed in her eyes. "B-Before, I-I woke up when I saw the gun, but this…this time…h-h-he fired it."

"He can't get to you," Maya soothed. "He's gone and he's not coming back, Riley."

Riley nodded numbly as her mind raced back to her dream. It felt so real. She knew that it wasn't. People didn't just morph into other people, but when she looked into his eyes again, as she felt his rage, it brought her back to that night in the mountains.

Maya frowned as she watched Riley try to calm herself down. Once they got back from Texas, she told Maya what had happened that night in the mountains. Maya's reaction mirrored Lucas's. She cried, she got angry, but most of all, she felt so proud of her best friend for fighting back. Riley really was the strongest one of their group.

Maya bit her lip before she voiced her concern. "I shouldn't go, should I?"

Riley turned her head as Maya's voice reached her ears. It took her a minute to understand what her best friend was talking about. "No! You're going."

"But I don't want to leave if you're having—"

"Nightmares? Maya, I'll be fine." She wasn't entirely convinced of it, but she knew that Maya had to go on this trip. It was a great opportunity for her, one that Riley wasn't about to let her give up. "You've been with me every night since Christmas. It's just a dream. You're right. He's gone. He's locked up. Nothing has happened in the last five months. I think two nights without you will be ok."

"You can always come with us." She had spent the better part of the last two weeks trying to talk Riley into going with her and her mother to Pittsburgh for the art show.

"Nah. You and your mom need this trip. Besides…it's not every day that your art gets put on display in a museum."

"It's just for the day. It's nothing."

Riley wasn't about to let her friend down play her accomplishment. "It's amazing. If it weren't for finals, you know we would all be there."

"I know."

She could sense the apprehension in Maya's voice. "Are you nervous?"

"No," she shook her head. "I mean. I am, but the 'no' was about you. I'm not going to let you changed the subject. Are you sure you'll be ok?"

"Yes," Riley nodded. She wasn't sure if she was trying to convince Maya or herself of it.

"You could always get Lucas to come over," the blonde teased.

Riley scoffed.

"What," Maya asked innocently. "You told me the last time he spent the night, you had the best night of sleep since…" her words trailed.

"Yeah, but it's different now."

She frowned. "Different because you two finally told each other how you really feel and are now in a healthy relationship as opposed to all the angst of the previous six months?"

Riley frowned. "Well…yeah."

"You make no sense," she laughed. "You both finally open up to one another, and it's all rainbows and unicorns, but you have one nightmare and you don't want to lean on him? You do realize that was the problem the first time, right? Not being open with him."

She sighed. "He's just been doing so well lately. I don't want him to have to think about…you know…especially when he's still trying to decide what to do about this summer."

"He does know school lets out in two weeks, right? And summer will be here."

"It's hard. I mean on one hand, he wants to help Pappy Joe out on the farm…maybe see his dad again, but then again…we _just_ started dating and long distance is usually a nail in the coffin of any relationship our age…even if it's only three months."

"Are you kidding me? After everything you two have been through to be together, you think two thousand miles and three months will pull you apart?"

"I don't."

Maya's eyes narrowed. "Are you doubting how he feels about you? Do you think it'll be an 'out of sight, out of mind' kind of thing and that he'll go back to Jessica or something?"

Riley said nothing as her lips formed a thin line.

That was all the confirmation Maya needed. "Riley," she sighed.

"It's ridiculous, I know! I know…I know that he loves me. I do. After everything…it's one of the few things in this world that I know for sure, but…my whole world is so complicated. I'm still having nightmares about my ex-boyfriend who tried to…who hurt me. No guy wants to hear that his girlfriend is dreaming about her ex…even if they are nightmares." She glanced around her room as she tried to compose her thoughts. "And we've only been together for a month. That's a lot of pressure for any relationship, let alone a new one."

"But he knows what you went through."

Riley knew that it didn't exactly make it any easier. "No eighteen year old guy should have to deal with this. He could have it so much easier with…her."

"He doesn't want to be with her, Riley. He wants you. It's been you since day one, ok? You both went through so much to be together." They were finally happy now. He wanted her to be honest with him, but she still wanted to protect him from the past. "Is he scared too?"

"Not as much as I am. I'm doing the right thing. I'm telling him to go. I want him to go. I want him to spend time with his dad. I want him to help out his grandfather. I'm just…going to miss him."

"That sounds more normal." Maya let out a long breath. "I can work with the missing thing."

"If he goes," Riley turned her head to Maya, "I'm going to be the biggest third wheel in the world with you and Farkle."

"And Zay."

Riley nodded. "I think Zay's going to go to Texas for a few weeks if Lucas goes. That way, he can see Vanessa."

"You wanna talk long distance relationships with someone, talk to Zay. He is crazy about her. They seem to be making it work."

"I tried talking to him about it. He said it was working better with them being apart. They have time to miss one another and they don't get on each other's nerves. Not exactly the problem Lucas and I have."

"What problem do you have?"

Riley stretched her arms out in front of her as a sheepish smile formed on her lips. "I can barely go twelve hours without needing to see him. How am I going to go twelve weeks?"

Maya let out a yawn. "You two are sickening sweet."

Riley glanced at the clock on her nightstand. "It's 5 am. Get some sleep."

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah." Both girls said nothing as they laid back down on Riley's double bed.

Maya watched as her best friend stared at the ceiling. She could tell that Riley was still plagued by the nightmare she just had. "No matter what happens, it's going to be a great summer, ok?"

Riley turned her head toward the blonde. "Ok."

As Maya fell back asleep, Riley couldn't let go of the uneasiness that crept up inside of her. Not ten hours ago, she was planning her whole summer out, excited for the adventures that laid ahead of her. Now, she couldn't shake the feeling that her summer wasn't going to be the Utopian paradise she thought it would be.


	2. Chapter One

_**A/N: I'm back! Did you miss me? I just want to say, we had a blast and season three is going to be amazing. Anyway, this chapter goes out to Nan (who went with me to the taping), Cynthia (who is just as fabulous in person as she is online), & Amy (who did a little research for me about something in the fic). Thank you all for jumping over to this story. I hope I don't disappoint.**_

* * *

Chapter One

"For the millionth time, I'm fine, Maya," Riley groaned as the girls stepped on the subway. She shouldn't have said anything. She should have just come up with something—anything—else. She hated this. She wanted to be honest with her. They had been best friends for most of her life, but she also didn't want Maya to worry about her or sacrifice any more of her own life just to protect her from a monster who could no longer reach her.

"You're not acting fine, Riles," Maya insisted as she stood beside the taller girl, concern etched across her pale features. Art or not, it didn't matter. Riley was like a sister to Maya. There would be other shows. She wasn't going to leave her if she felt the slightest bit uneasy. "Look, just say the word and I'll stay."

Riley tossed her long chestnut brown locks over her shoulder as she stared at the concerned face of her best friend. "I'm not going to 'say the word' because there is no word to say. I'll be fine."

Maya wasn't about to be deterred so easily. "So, why did you cry when Lucas sent that text saying he couldn't walk us today because he overslept?"

Riley let out a small grunt. "I just…it's how the stupid nightmare began," she mumbled. She had just managed to get the image of Charlie and the gun out of her mind before she saw the message from her boyfriend. It triggered a rush of emotions in her and she couldn't help the tears that had formed in her eyes. She could have sworn that Maya didn't see her wipe them away, but apparently, she was wrong.

"Oh." She could sense Riley's nervousness about her nightmare, so the blonde looked around them at the various passengers. "Well, no one looks menacing," she tried to joke. As she was about to turn back to Riley, she stopped, her eyes focused on a figure in the corner of the subway car.

Riley rolled her eyes before she looked at Maya. "I know. It's ridic-" her face fell as she noticed the concerned look on her best friend's face, "Maya? What is it?"

"That guy," Maya's voice trailed off as she continued to eye the stranger. "There's a guy sitting over there and…I swear he's staring at us."

"Us?"

Maya raised her eyebrows. "You," she corrected.

Before Riley could stop herself, she turned to look at the guy in question. Mocha eyes. Eyes that mirrored her own. Eyes that she suddenly couldn't tear herself away from. Her panicked eyes widened at the realization that this was almost exactly like her nightmare. She had to look away. She had to get out of there. This was bad. This was very bad. How was all of this possible? How was any of this true? Charlie was in jail. He couldn't get to her. She closed her eyes as she turned her body back to face Maya.

"Riley? Are you ok?"

"It's him," she squeaked out as she slowly opened her eyes. "My dream. That's the guy."

Maya frowned. "I thought it was about Charlie."

"He turned into Charlie," Riley explained as her imagination started to run away with her. What did any of this mean? Everything was finally fine again—better than fine. Everything was nearly perfect in her world. One nightmare and it suddenly felt as if her world was beginning to shift off of its axis again. "After you threw me on his lap because you told me that I needed to know if 'subway boy' was Lucas or not."

"I wouldn't do that," Maya defended. Riley loves Lucas. Lucas loves Riley. Why would Riley ever think that she would intentionally try to break them up? After everything they had been through together? They were made for one another. "Look. I'll take care of it, ok?"

"What are you going to do?" Even the mere thought of Maya speaking to the stranger made Riley's heart skip a beat. They should just ignore him. They should just move on with their lives. Why tempt fate?

"Don't worry about it. I'll be right back." She walked toward the guy who kept his gaze fixated on the girls. Maya had to admit that he was cute. He looked a lot like Riley's Uncle Josh, the only other guy she had ever felt anything for whose name wasn't Farkle Minkus. Brown hair. Brown eyes. As she inched closer, she swallowed as the intensity of his gaze nearly made her weak in the knees.

Who was this guy? Why did she feel so completely unlike herself as her eyes locked onto his? She slid into the seat next to him as she tried to regain some sense of composure. "Hi," she smiled, "I'm Maya." She tossed her hair over her shoulder. "You're really cute. We should go out some time."

"We definitely should," he smiled back. He couldn't help but watch the blonde and brunette as soon as they stepped onto the subway. He was usually more attracted to brunettes as a rule, but he couldn't help but to be completely intrigued by the boldness of the blonde who sat next to him.

Maya frowned. That was completely unexpected. She anticipated the guy being completely freaked out by her, or for him to just wait as she continued the monologue she had prepared in her mind. Now that he had spoken to her, and had actually agreed to going out with her, she became completely unnerved. "Wait. I wasn't finished."

The guy chuckled. She seemed nervous around him. He couldn't help but enjoy the effect he seemed to have on her. He glanced over to where the now curious brunette stood as she stared back at them. "What are you talking about?"

"Shh," she silenced as she tried to remember the speech she had planned. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear as she tried to remember her speech. "Ok, so I said hey and that we should go out," she muttered as she tried to figure out what came after.

The stranger nodded.

Maya sat there for a long moment. Why couldn't she remember the rest of it? What was wrong with her? This was just a guy—some guy who had been caught staring at Riley and her. Some random guy she wanted to mess with. So why was it all backfiring on her. "Ugh," she moaned as she stood up. "Just forget it."

As she turned to walk away, the stranger reached his hand out to grab her arm. "Wait a minute," he said.

Maya swallowed harshly as she slowly turned to look at his hand on her arm. A shiver tore through her. Her gaze slowly lifted to his eyes. "Yeah," she said hoarsely.

"When are we going out?" He slowly slid his hand down her arm before he finally pulled his hand away from her.

' _You have a boyfriend,'_ her mind screamed at her. "I-I can't," she stammered.

He tilted his head to the side slightly, a smile played on his lips. "Why not?"

Maya crossed her arms over her chest. "I…I have a boyfriend."

The stranger frowned. "So why did you ask me out?"

She sighed. Riley was right. She should have just left well enough alone. Now she felt completely embarrassed and more than a little guilty about the whole thing. She knew that she had to tell Farkle about the whole awkward ordeal she currently found herself in. "I just…I was just trying to mess with you…I saw that you were staring at me and my friend."

He nodded as he leaned back in the seat. "Well, I was. You both are gorgeous."

Maya raised a curious eyebrow at him. "You're trouble," she deduced.

He lifted the corners of his mouth up into a sly smile. "I might be. Care to find out?"

Maya narrowed her eyes as whatever spell she thought she was under disappeared. She suddenly felt like she could see right through him. This guy was definitely trouble, and he knew it. "No," she huffed as she walked back toward a curious Riley.

As Riley opened her mouth to speak, Maya raised a hand to stop her. "I don't want to talk about it."

* * *

"Another day almost over," Maya sighed happily as she and Riley entered their class of the day: history. Besides the misadventure on the subway that morning, the rest of the day had gone by relatively easy.

"And it's your Friday," Riley grumbled as she slid into her seat. "No wonder you're so happy."

Maya grinned at the brunette as she sat her books on the desk. "It's not too late. You can still come with us."

Riley flipped through her notebook as she sighed. "I wish. I have to finish my English paper. It's due on Friday."

"It's not like you to wait til the last minute."

Riley shrugged. "I just…haven't had time."

Maya raised an eyebrow at her. "I wonder why," she said wryly.

Riley detected the tone that her best friend had, but chose to ignore it. They both knew why Riley had let her studies slip slightly over the last month. _Lucas._ It had been a month since that magical night on the hill. They ended up spending the whole night out there as they both fell asleep in each other's arms. It was the first decent night of sleep either one of them had since that horrible evening in the mountains.

Pure magic.

When they got back from Texas, they finally went on that first date, followed by their second the next evening, then the third the night after, and so on. Riley had never been happier. Her life was starting to come together. Everything in her world made sense again—better than that, every thing was perfect…aside from that nightmare.

Riley was pulled out of her reverie as her father closed the door to the classroom. She looked around the room. Did she miss seeing him walk in? No. Lucas definitely wasn't there. She frowned. He was definitely in school that day. She saw him in English and at lunch. She turned back to her father. "Dad?"

"So," he began as he ignored the curious look in his daughter's eyes, "The Great Depression."

"Dad," Riley repeated in a more urgent tone.

Cory let out a sigh as he looked at his oldest child. "What is it, Riley?"

She looked around the room as if her question would be obvious. "Where's Lucas?"

As if on cue, the door opened and a breathless Lucas rushed in. "I'm sorry Mr. Matthews," he apologized as he hurried to his seat.

"I hope we didn't keep you from anything important," he replied curtly.

Riley frowned as she looked at her father. Her father was never short with his students when they were just a few minutes late to class. Why did he have that tone with Lucas? She thought that her father had always liked him, respected him. She made a mental note to ask him about it later. She turned in her seat to look at her boyfriend; a frown still marred her otherwise flawless features.

Once Lucas sat down, his eyes landed on his girlfriend. When she turned to look at him, he gave her a reassuring smile. When she returned it, he relaxed slightly. He felt bad about not walking the girls to school that morning, and he felt bad about being late to Mr. Matthews' class, but what was he supposed to do when he got called to the guidance counselor's office? He had to go. Surely Mr. Matthews would understand that?

Ever since he met the man, Lucas knew he wanted to gain the respect of his history teacher. Even before he became interested in Riley in any sort of romantic way, he wanted the approval of his teacher. Mr. Matthews was different than any other teacher he had ever had. Sure, he stuck to the curriculum, something that apparently used to never be the case, but he was always available to talk to his students out of class. He always presented the material in a way that wasn't as boring as history should be. He seemed to love what he did. Lucas respected that. He hoped that one day he could find something to do with his life that he loved as much as his history teacher loved to teach.

As Mr. Matthews resumed his discussion on the Great Depression, Lucas couldn't help but let his eyes drift back over to Riley. His girlfriend. He still couldn't quite get used to it. Yeah, he had girlfriends before, but the title didn't seem to fit exactly what the brunette meant to him. She was so much more than that. She was his best friend. She was the one who held his heart in the palm of her hands. How had he gone through the first eighteen years of his life without her in it? He wasn't even sure anymore. All he knew was that he was prepared to do anything and everything to keep her in his world, to keep that perfect smile on her beautiful face. How did he get so lucky? They were only a month into their relationship, but it felt like everything came together that night in Texas. The transition into a romantic relationship for them came seamlessly. It was much easier than what they were before. They didn't have to hide from their own feelings. What they were doing wasn't considered wrong anymore. It wasn't considered dirty or tainted by anything malicious. They were free to be who they wanted to be, and all he wanted was to be hers.

And for some crazy reason, she wanted to be his.

He wasn't going to question it. He was just going to make sure she knew how much she meant to him.

* * *

Riley sighed for the fourth time as she paced outside of the classroom. Mr. Matthews had asked Lucas to stay after class so they could discuss his tardiness. Her father had been her history teacher for the last five years and this was the first time he ever had someone stay after class just because they were a few minutes late. "This is ridiculous," she told the small group who continued to watch her pace.

"Maybe he's just giving the Lucas 'if you hurt my daughter' speech," Maya suggested.

"He's had a month to do that already," Riley snapped. She stopped mid step as she gave her an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. It's just…he wasn't himself in class today, was he?"

"He did seem on edge," Farkle agreed. As a scientist, Farkle couldn't recognize emotional changes in people unless it was obvious, and to him, something was definitely bothering Mr. Matthews. He just couldn't figure out what it was.

"Maybe it's because it's the end of the school year," Zay offered. "I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you're dating someone with an intense history of violence."

"Zay," Maya hissed as she smacked his arm. "Not. Helping."

Zay turned back to a stunned Riley. "Sorry," he apologized.

"What are you talking about," she sputtered. "Dad knew about Lucas before we ever started dating."

"Yeah, but…you're actually dating now," Maya pointed out. "It's different now, Riles."

"Well, I'm not going to stand out here any longer," she spun around to walk toward the door. As her hand reached for the knob, the door suddenly opened, her boyfriend mere inches from her. Her determination melted into some sense of euphoria as her eyes found his. One look from him and her jitters completely disappeared. "Hi," she breathed.

"Hey." Despite the intense conversation he had just had with her father, he couldn't help the smile that formed on his lips as he saw her. It was a natural reaction for him now. Whenever he saw her, he was reminded of how grateful he was to have her.

Riley nearly melted on the spot. Being in love was so incredibly weird. On the one hand, she knew that she looked absolutely ridiculous—she knew she was staring at him like he was the only other person in the world, but on the other hand, she didn't care how she looked. The way her heart sputtered every time she saw him was the strangest, most incredible feeling in the world. She never knew that being in love was quite like this. It was everything every book she ever read made it out to be and so much more.

Maya cleared her throat from behind Riley, which brought the two teens back down to earth. "What happened?"

Lucas tore his eyes away from the brunette to look at the rest of the group. "He just…wanted to know why I was late."

"Why were you?" Riley was a little afraid to ask about it, and wasn't sure why. She knew that he hadn't done anything wrong. It must have just been the dream that had her still slightly shaken up.

"I had to go to the guidance counselor."

"Why," Zay asked.

Lucas shrugged. He really didn't want to get into the details of it all with the group. It wasn't anything worth mentioning. "Just checking in…seeing how I'm doing now that I'm almost done with the school year."

Riley looked at him for a long moment as she tried to determine if he was being honest or not. "What'd you say?" Although it felt like they had resolved their communication issue, there was still so much they didn't know about one another. Every day she learned something new about him, and every day she felt herself fall for the Texan more and more. She loved learning about his past, his quirks, and everything else that made him exactly who he was. She trusted him, and knew that if something was actually wrong, he would tell her.

He smiled as he looked down at her. "I told her that I have never been better."

She beamed at his words. "Really?"

"Absolutely," he said as she closed the distance between them to give him a hug.

When Lucas noticed his history teacher walk out of the classroom, he pulled back from Riley. A frown formed on her face at his reaction. She followed his line of vision to her father. She spun around to face him. "Is everything ok?"

Cory paused as he looked from Lucas back to Riley. "Yeah. I can take Maya and you home."

Riley glanced at Maya before she looked back at her father. "But Lucas was going—"

"That's fine Riley," Lucas interrupted. "I have homework I need to do anyway."

She tilted her head to the side. What happened in that classroom? Both of them seemed tense, anxious. "Are you sure? I mean…you guys walk us home everyday."

He glanced at Cory one last time before his eyes traveled back down to Riley. "Yeah. I'm sure."

* * *

"Now I really don't think I should go," Maya sighed as the girls sat at the bay window. They both had been silent for the better part of an hour as they both reflected on the day they just had. Riley's nightmare. The stranger on the subway. Lucas and Riley's dad. Somewhere in the back of Maya's mind, she had a feeling that something bad was going to happen. The day had been too weird considering the fact that the last month had been pretty non-news worthy. Maybe it was a sign that she should just stay put.

"No," Riley shook her head as she turned to the blonde. "You have to go. It's fine. It's only a few days." Yeah, it freaked Riley out that the day began just as her nightmare had, but it was all just a coincidence. It was just an off day. It had been a month without any incidents, maybe these small things just happened on the same day. It's not like anything major happened, right?

Maya thought about it. "Yeah, but it's been a weird day."

This was ridiculous. There was no way that she was going to let Maya give up a chance to see her art displayed just because of, at worst, a 'weird' day. Nothing catastrophic happened. There was no reason for her to not go on the trip. "I had a nightmare. Lucas was late to class. It happens."

"But your dad…"

"You're really going to stay here because my dad had a bad day at work? Maya, come on. I know you made it your mission to protect me, but I'm going to be ok. It's not like…Charlie…can get to me or anything like that. And everything else will just…work itself out. Maybe it's just a coincidence." Five months ago, Riley would have killed for an 'off' day like this one. It's all about perspective. Things had been great for weeks now. Of course one weird day would set them both on edge, but it was really nothing.

Maya looked at her for a long time as she tried to rationalize it all in her head. It really would be silly to just leave because Mr. Matthews was a little testy about Lucas being late to class. "Call me if something happens, ok?"

"It's going to be fine, Maya. I'm going to be fine. I mean, what could possibly happen within a few days?"


	3. Chapter Two

_**A/N: Thank you all so much for the feedback and follows/favs. I know I can't keep up with these rapid updates. I'm trying to get ahead again so I'll be able to update on a regular basis, but I thought that maybe you guys would like to read this chapter now instead of waiting a few days. Let me know what you think because, as always, feedback inspires me more than anything.**_

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Chapter Two

Riley leaned back in her chair as she tilted her head from side to side in order to stretch her aching neck. She reached her arms over her head as she stretched her arms as she thought about her English paper. The topic was fairly open. She had to write a short story pulling elements of Shakespearean tragedy into a more modern setting. At first, she was actually excited about the prospect of doing something creative for an English paper, but she had somehow managed to hit a brick wall when it came down to writing it. Up until a month ago, the entire school year seemed to be like a Shakespeare tragedy for her: dating one guy while in love with the other; trying to free herself from one relationship so she could follow her heart, but being thwarted at every turn; lying to the people closest to her to protect them from her own darkness…not to mention everything else.

Although she remembered the events of the school year vividly, the last month had made her so blissfully happy that she was now finding it incredibly difficult to get into the mindset to write a tragedy.

She looked back at the blank screen in front of her. "This is ridiculous," she muttered as she leaned forward in her seat once more. She placed her hands on the keyboard as she tried to force her brain to come up with something to get the story started.

She remained frozen in her spot for only another minute before she let out a loud, frustrated groan.

"Something wrong," a voice chuckled from the other side of the room.

Riley turned her head at the voice, her frown immediately replaced by a warm smile. "Not now." She reached the bay window in three steps as she closed the space between herself and her boyfriend. She wrapped her arms around his neck, more than grateful for the distraction.

"You sure," he smiled as they embraced. He had second-guessed his decision to come see her after his conversation with Mr. Matthews earlier that afternoon, but he knew that Maya probably would have left for her trip, and there was nothing, not even his history teacher, that could have prevented him from seeing how Riley was feeling about being alone for the next few days.

Riley pulled back from the hug as she reached for his hand as a sudden need to maintain some sort of physical contact with him hit her. "What are you doing here? Not that I'm not happy you're here."

He looked down at their hands. He quietly turned his hand over so he could interlace his fingers with hers. "Well," he began as he still looked down at their hands, "I know Maya was leaving this afternoon, and wanted to make sure you were doing ok."

"Three hours in, and I have managed to stay out of trouble so far." She looked back at her desk. "I just wish I was a little more productive on my English paper."

"Still nothing?"

She shook her head. "You?"

"I finished mine right before I came over here."

"Lucky," she sighed. "I just can't seem to think about anything to write about."

"Really? I figured you could have easily pulled from pretty much anything that happened this year."

"Yeah, but," she looked down at their joined hands as a soft smile formed on her lips, "all of that ended pretty well for me, you know? Shakespearean tragedies don't get happy endings." She tilted her head to the side as she looked back at him. "What did you write about?"

"Oh…" he gestured to the bay window. Riley nodded as they sat down. "Well, my story is about this guy who moves across the country and tries to get adjusted to a new life in a new town. While there, he encounters a princess who shows him nothing but compassion and somehow manages to pull him out of the darkness that he had tried to escape from."

"Sounds familiar," Riley lightly laughed. "So, what happens?"

"Well," he sighed, "she was actually dating this guy who seemed to be perfect in every way, but she didn't love him."

Riley squeezed his hand as she watched him look around the room. Anywhere but at her. "She didn't," she confirmed.

Lucas's eyes finally rested on her. She had told him once before that he was the first guy she ever loved, but it was something he needed to hear again. It wasn't that he didn't believe her the first time. He just couldn't believe that someone like her could ever love someone like him. "Well," he continued, "the perfect guy who everyone else seemed to love and who everyone else approved of began to show his true colors when he realized he was losing the princess. The stranger…the new guy in town…well, he did his best to protect the princess from him."

Riley's face fell. "What…what happened?"

"What happens in all Shakespeare tragedies. The stranger died protecting her from her boyfriend."

Riley closed her eyes as the mere thought of losing Lucas to the events of the past year created a blend of anger and sadness that she hadn't felt in a really long time. "Lucas," she murmured as she tried to chase those thoughts away.

"Don't worry," he soothed as he cupped her cheek with his hand. He lightly rubbed her cheek with his thumb. "He managed to destroy the other guy too, which freed the princess."

"You didn't finish the story then," she said softly as she opened her eyes. When she noticed the confused expression on her boyfriend's face, she took a shaky breath. "The princess wouldn't truly feel like she was free unless she joined the stranger." She looked down. "She loved him just as much as he loved her. Since he died protecting her, she would be willing to die just to be with him…if not in this world, then the next." She let her words hang over them for a few moments. When he didn't say anything, she tried to laugh it off, "I mean…Shakespeare, right? Usually his tragedies end with everyone dying."

Lucas watched the wave of emotions cross his girlfriend's face. A lot of awful things had happened in the last year. A lot of things that Lucas felt he could have prevented. "Riley."

She swallowed under his gaze. Her heartbeat quickened its pace as her eyes locked onto his green orbs. She couldn't help but get lost in his eyes. It was crazy. Sometimes his eyes were light green, like where the ocean meets the shore, and other times, the color got darker, deeper, just like emeralds. No matter the shade, she always managed to be completely hypnotized by them. She felt that she could always know what was on his mind, know what he was thinking, when she found herself lost in his eyes. It was one of a million reasons why she had always felt a connection with him.

"It's true." She spoke so quietly that she wasn't even sure if he heard her.

Lucas's heart dropped into his stomach at her words. One month. They had been dating for only a month, but their relationship was far from being a typical high school relationship. They had been through so much ever since they met—more than what most couples had deal with throughout their entire relationship. They told one another that they loved each other before they ever went out on their first date. They kissed six months before they found themselves ready to be with one another. There was nothing conventional about them.

And they wouldn't have it any other way.

He leaned forward as he captured her lips with his. One month. One month together. One month of freedom with the most incredible person he had ever met. Riley Matthews managed to accomplish the impossible. She brought him back from the darkness that had completely consumed him for nearly five years. He was completely bathed in the light again, and he never felt more at home.

Riley's head spun as she found herself drawing him closer to her. She opened her mouth against his, silently begging him to get closer.

That was another new thing for her. With Charlie, she just wanted the moment to be over. She always felt awkward kissing him. With Lucas, she could never seem to get enough. After their conversation on the hill, they both agreed to try to slow down the physical side of their relationship so the other aspects could catch up, but as the days passed, as they found themselves becoming closer and closer, it was becoming more and more difficult to establish those barriers. They both wanted more—needed more, but at the same time, neither wanted to push too much or too far.

At that moment, neither of them thought about any of that—or much of anything else. Lucas's hands moved to her scalp as he tangled his hands in her hair in an effort to get as close as he could to the angel who occupied his every waking thought. He felt her hands move from his face, down to his shoulders, and finally his biceps. He shuddered slightly as he felt her fingertips glide down the length of his arms.

Riley's fingers finally reached his hands, still tangled in her hair. She gently tugged them down.

Lucas broke off their kiss as Riley pulled his hands away from her. He feared that maybe he had gotten too wrapped up in the moment. "I'm sorry," he breathed heavily as he rested his forehand against hers. He closed his eyes as he silently began to berate himself.

She shook her head. "No, I just…I need you closer," she moved his hands down to her hips before she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling herself even closer to him.

Her lips found his before he had a chance to process her words. The logical side of Lucas knew that they were about to reach dangerous territory—territory that they hadn't explored since that night in Pappy Joe's truck. He knew he did the right thing at the time by stopping it before things got too far. Riley was intoxicated and they both had a lot to sort through, but now? Those lines were blurred. They knew how they felt about one another. They knew that their relationship was a lot stronger than the length of time that they had officially been dating, but at the same time, they also knew that Riley was still haunted by that night in the mountains. He wasn't going to push her into doing something she wasn't ready for.

On the other hand, he knew that if Riley wanted to stop, she would tell him.

She wasn't stopping.

She wanted more.

Lucas's brain stopped thinking as her tongue slipped into his mouth. He moaned as his need to get closer to her grew exponentially. In one fluid motion, he slid her closer to him as he lifted her up and sat her in his lap. He wrapped his arms around her as he brought her as close to him as they could get.

Riley thought she was about to explode when she felt him lift and place her on his lap. She propped up her right leg on the bay window while her left leg touched the ground as she straddled him. Her heart raced as they continued to explore each other's mouths. This was by far the furthest Lucas had allowed them to go ever since that night in Texas.

It wasn't enough.

She wanted to get closer to him.

She needed to get closer to him.

Apparently he felt the same way, as Lucas' lips left hers to kiss a trail along her jawline. Once he reached her neck, Riley squirmed a little to get even closer to him. The anticipation was maddening. She may have been intoxicated at the time, but she clearly remembered exactly where he kissed her that night that nearly drove her to the brink of insanity.

He had to hear it again. That moment in the truck had haunted him for the last month. He needed to hear that sound again. He needed to hear how much she enjoyed his lips on her neck.

It didn't take long. When he found that spot behind her ear, instead of moaning, Riley whimpered.

It wasn't the moan he had hoped for. It was so much more. He knew now that she wanted him just as badly as he wanted her.

"Please," she breathed, "don't stop."

He smiled against her neck as he realized that he had a new favorite sound. He had to hear it again and again. He began to lightly kiss around the area he knew would elicit that reaction from her. When Riley squirmed, he couldn't help but lift the corner of his mouth into a half smile. He knew she couldn't see him, but he couldn't help but to love this frenzy that he had apparently sent her in. She had driven him crazy for months and months. He loved knowing that he had the same effect on her.

Riley tried to move her head around so his lips would collide with the spot she wanted him to pay more attention to, but every time she shifted, he parried it with a move of his own to purposefully avoid that sensitive area. She was beginning to get frustrated, but somehow through the fog, she managed to devise a plan to get what she wanted. She began to squirm a little more on his lap.

Lucas grunted as she continued to wiggle on top of him. As innocent as she was, he quickly realized that she knew exactly what she was doing to get what she wanted.

 _God._ He'd try to give her the entire world if she asked for it.

He slid his lips back over to the spot they both wanted him to worship. When he heard her whimper again, he opened his mouth as he began to massage the area with his tongue and lips.

Riley moaned as her head dropped down. She felt like she was on a completely different planet right now. She felt like she could see the whole galaxy fly past them. They were the only ones who existed. It was just them. No one else was there. No one else mattered.

If only that were true.

Riley was quickly pulled back from her journey through space by the sound of her bedroom door opening. Her eyes flew open as she looked at the doorway. "Dad," she sputtered as she tried untangled herself from her boyfriend's embrace.


	4. Chapter Three

_**A/N: I feel like I spend every chapter thanking you guys for all of your kind words, but I can't help it. I'm so appreciative for all of you. I'm glad you decided to read this story. Things may seem a little confusing right now, but as the story progresses, they'll become more clear (and more complicated).**_

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Chapter Three

It's weird what happens when your life flashes before your eyes.

Lucas thought about his family, his friends, and above everything else, his girlfriend. He thought about all of the things he wanted to do in his short life that he never got to. He thought about how proud he was of himself for riding Tombstone, of facing his father. He thought about all the things he would miss out on: graduating high school, college, getting married, having a family.

As he looked into the cold eyes of his history teacher, he knew that he wouldn't live to see the next hour unless a miracle happened.

"Mr. Friar," Cory said evenly. About a thousand different ways to kill the teenager in front of him sped through his mind. What he had just walked in on was something he had never wanted to witness. His sweet, innocent little girl was straddling her boyfriend in her bedroom. His earlier conversation with Lucas flashed back to him. Was this what he took from it all? Was this how he planned to resolve the very real conflict between them? Cory began to seethe.

Lucas had to deal with a lot of anger and pain in his eighteen years, but he had to admit that no one set him on edge quite like Mr. Matthews did in that moment. He knew that he had faced guys twice his size and half his age before, but that wasn't the point. This was his history teacher. This was his girlfriend's father. This was one of the few men that he actually looked up to and respected. "Sir, it's not what it—"

"Oh, please don't finish that," he interrupted calmly as he casually strolled towards the now standing couple. He turned to his daughter. "Riley."

Mortified. That was the only world Riley could even think of to describe the situation unfolding in front of her. Mortified that her father saw what he did and mortified about whatever he was about to say or do to embarrass her. "Daddy, you don't understand."

"Oh, I don't understand?" He looked between the two guilty teenagers. "I understand a lot more than you think I do, Riley. It doesn't change anything though." He didn't get angry very often. In fact, he could count on one hand and have fingers left over at the amount of times he truly felt anger towards his daughter. She was always his princess. She was always Daddy's little girl. He knew she was seventeen. He knew that her mother and he often had similar make out sessions when they were her age, but it was different now. She was _his_ daughter, and Lucas was-. He sighed as he turned away from them. He said nothing as he walked back toward the doorway. Space. They needed some space from one another. They were getting too close too quickly. It scared him a lot more than he thought it would.

He placed a hand on the knob before he turned back to them. This was for their own good and for the sake of his own sanity. "Mr. Friar, you are not allowed to be in her room anymore. Got it? Not even to study. If you two need to study, you can use the living room or the library." He turned to his daughter. "Riley, two weeks."

"What?" Maybe she misheard him? Maybe he meant two weeks of extra chores or something. Surely, he didn't mean that-

"You're grounded. Two weeks."

Her frantic eyes shifted to Lucas before she turned her head back to her father. Maybe he didn't understand the situation. Normally she would have accepted whatever punishment for whatever reason, but this was different. There was no way that her father would do this on purpose. "But dad, if Lucas goes to Texas this summer, two weeks means I won't see him before he goes."

"Two weeks," he repeated with unshaken resolve. He looked at Lucas. "Mr. Friar? I think it's time you go."

Lucas sensed the tension between father and daughter. He could feel Riley's anger boiling at her father's punishment. The last thing he ever wanted was for them to get upset with one another over something that Lucas considered to be his mistake in the first place. "Sir, this is all my fault. Please don't blame Riley for it."

Part of Cory had to admire the fact that Lucas was willing to blame himself for the whole incident, but a more protective side of him knew he couldn't buckle now. "I think there is enough blame to go around, don't you think so?"

Lucas studied his teacher for a long moment. Mr. Matthews' words from earlier in the afternoon replayed in his mind. That conversation was one reason he almost didn't come over to Riley's to begin with. He now knew exactly where he stood with her father. He knew that while Mr. Matthews' was appreciative of Lucas and everything he did to help his daughter over the last several months, he didn't exactly approve of their relationship. "Yes sir," he said coldly. He cut his eyes back to Riley. "I'll see you tomorrow," he muttered.

She gave him an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He almost didn't recognize the sound of his own voice. It had been months since he had heard it. He felt almost numb. It was a feeling he hadn't experienced since he saw Riley in the subway his first day at school. He took a deep breath as his eyes moved back to her father. "It's my fault."

Riley watched helplessly as her boyfriend climbed out of her window. What was going on? When he disappeared completely from her view, Riley turned to her father. Her eyes pierced right through him. "What is your problem with him?!"

She wouldn't understand. How could she? He didn't understand any of it until he became a parent. "I'm your father. And as your father, it's my right to throw any boy out of here who gets caught in a compromising position with you."

Riley placed her hands on her hips as she prepared herself to challenge him. "What did you think was going to happen, dad?"

He sighed. He was tired. Tired of worrying. Tired of his own nightmares. He wasn't used to being put in a position like this. Topanga was the primary disciplinarian, but something had changed in him, and he knew that Riley wouldn't understand. "You tell me."

She threw her arms up dramatically. "You didn't seem to have a problem with Lucas before today. What happened?! I thought you liked him!"

"That's not the point. The point is that my seventeen-year-old daughter was making out with her boyfriend in her bedroom. I would love it if you could give me one example of a father who wouldn't kick him out afterward."

She crossed her arms over her chest. "Two weeks?" Would he really go through with this?

He nodded. "Two weeks, Riley. Look…your mother and I know that it's been a rough year on you. It has for all of us, but we have to establish some rules around here."

Her eyes narrowed. This was unbelievable. She had one more year at home and _now_ they decide to establish rules for her?"Rules? There weren't any rules when I dated…"

"Yeah," he let out a breath, "And this is us trying to prevent that from happening again."

Riley tilted her head to the side as some of the puzzle pieces began to click into place. "You think Lucas is going to do something like that?"

Cory stood there for a long moment before he looked over at her desk. "You have homework." He wasn't going to get into this with her. Not now.

"Dad," she practically begged. She wanted him to talk to her, to try to explain why he was suddenly treating Lucas like he was some sort of criminal. He had never been anything but polite and respectful to her father—even when he first started at the school. Surely, her father knew that Lucas would never do anything to hurt her.

Cory ignored her plea as he left her room. He quietly closed the door, leaving a stunned Riley behind.

She placed her hand on her forehead as she thought about everything that just happened. "Three hours," she mumbled as she walked toward her desk. "It only took Maya being gone for three hours before you got into trouble." Wasn't she supposed to be the good one? Since when did their roles switch? And did her father actually believe that Lucas was capable of hurting her? Was that why he seemed so cold to him? It couldn't be. If he really thought that, he wouldn't let them be together. On the other hand, two weeks? That was just long enough for her to not be able to see him before he left, if he decided to spend the summer in Texas.

Riley groaned. At least she was finally in the right frame of mind to begin her English paper. _Tragedy._ Two weeks without Lucas—followed by three months—definitely brought out a lot of inner turmoil.

* * *

 _Her heart raced as she felt the cold steel pressed against her temple. This was it. This was the end of everything. At least he wasn't here to see it. She couldn't bear to see the anguish in his eyes as she drew her final breaths. It wouldn't be fair to him. He barely knew her. She didn't want him to carry the burden of that memory around for the rest of his life._

" _Charlie," her voice quivered, "Please. You don't want to do this."_

" _I don't have a choice," he cried out as he pressed the gun into her temple. His grip around her waist tightened as he pulled her closer to him. "You're mine. You've always been mine and now you tell me that you want to be with him? I can't live without you, Riley. I'll be damned if I let you leave."_

 _She closed her eyes as tears formed in her eyes. No matter what move she made, she would never find her freedom. If she lied, she would have to stay with him. If she told the truth, she would die._

" _Let her go," a familiar voice said from behind them._

 _Charlie spun them both around as Riley's eyes opened. "Lucas," she screeched. "Lucas, please…just go!"_

" _No," Charlie sneered in her left ear, "The party is just beginning. Stay Lucas. Let's end this thing for once and for all."_

 _Lucas swallowed as he took a step closer to them. "Take me," he told him. "That's what you really want, isn't it? To kill me? To wipe me off the face of the earth so that you have your life back. Kill me. Don't hurt her. If you really loved her, you wouldn't kill her."_

 _Charlie considered it for a moment. "Sounds reasonable enough to me." He pointed the gun at Lucas and fired._

Riley sat straight up in bed as tears instantly filled her eyes. Her heart raced as she leaned forward and hid her head in her hands _._ She couldn't seem to catch her breath as she felt herself begin to hyperventilate. _'Not again,'_ she thought miserably. She took a few deep breaths as she tried to calm herself down.

She cringed when she felt her stomach lurch. Her whole body quaked as her mind wandered back to the nightmare she just had. As her breathing began to steady, she wiped away the tears that had streamed down her pale face. She turned her head toward her alarm clock. _'2 am.'_ Her hands shook as she reached for her cell phone which laid beside her alarm clock. She held it for a few minutes as she weighed her options. It was late. She didn't want to wake him, but she knew that there was no way she would find even a second of peace until she heard his voice. She had to know that he was ok.

Her hands continued to shake as she dialed his number and placed the phone to her ear. "I'm sorry," she immediately apologized. "Were you asleep? Oh. No, I just...I needed to hear your voice. I…I had…a nightmare. No. No, you don't have to. Are you sure that's such a good idea? I thought my dad…ok. Ok. Yes. Please. Ok. I love you." She ended the call and placed her phone back beside her alarm clock. She brought her knees up to her chest as she wrapped her arms around them.

 _It was only a dream._

 _It wasn't real._


	5. Chapter Four

_**A/N: Thank you guys for bearing with me as I try to get back into the swing of things. Also, thank you all for your kind words. I have to dedicate this chapter to Nan because I was stuck on a part of it and she helped me make one of the lines in this chapter a lot less cheesier. It's amazing what one word does to a sentence.**_

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Chapter Four

Half an hour later, Riley remained frozen in the same spot on her bed as her brain still attempted to process her dream. What did it mean? Why was all of this happening again? Why now? Everything had been fine for the last month. With the exception of the previous day's events, Riley had never felt happier with her life. She thought she was finally moving on from the events of last winter. Certainly, she still thought about her ex-boyfriend, but not nearly as much as she used to. When she was around her friends, around Lucas, she felt normal again. She was able to not dwell on the horrors she faced that night. She was able to walk into the light again, to begin to see the best in those around her once more.

So why was her subconscious trying to pull her back into a world she thought she had finally left behind?

Her muddled thoughts were interrupted by a light knock on her window. When she recognized the face of the one person she desperately needed to see, she practically sprinted over to the window to let him in. She took a few steps back to allow Lucas some space to enter her room.

As soon as he climbed in, she immediately wrapped her arms around his neck. "Thank God," her muffled voiced nearly cried out as she buried her head in his chest. The couple stood there for a few minutes as Riley tried to collect her chaotic thoughts. "I'm sorry," she told him as she pulled back. "It's just…it felt so real."

"It's ok," Lucas soothed as he stepped back to sit at the bay window. "You know me. I don't sleep that much."

She nodded as she sat down next to him. "Yeah. I had been doing better for awhile, but the last few nights…"

"This isn't the first one?"

She shook her head. "I had another one last night. I just thought it was a one-time thing." She ran a hand through her tangled locks. "And with everything that happened yesterday, I figured a nightmare wasn't worth mentioning."

"Riley, if something scares you or worries you…even a dream…I want to hear about it." He placed a hand on her back as he began to gently rub it in an attempt to comfort her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She leaned in closer to him as he continued to softly caress her back. The simple act comforted her more than any words ever could. He was here. They were together. Everything else would be ok. She started to feel slightly embarrassed about the whole thing. She made him come all this way just because she had a nightmare? "I just...your story…maybe it was just in my head or something."

He let out a long breath. On his way over to her apartment, he considered the fact that maybe his story had somehow sent her imagination spiraling out of control. That topped with the confrontation with her father earlier could have easily created whatever nightmare she had. "I'm sorry." He leaned in slightly to kiss the top of her head. "I shouldn't have told you about that."

Riley marveled at the guy who sat next to her. Why was he apologizing? He was here with her, comforting her over a silly nightmare. He was the most considerate person she had ever met. It infuriated her that for some reason, her father refused to see it. "No. I'm the one who should be sorry. My dad—"

"He's just worried." It was completely true. Mr. Matthews had told him as much in his classroom the previous day. Lucas wasn't sure that it was the right time to share his exact reasons with Riley. He knew there were some things that she was unaware of, things that he wasn't proud of, and that she should know, but now wasn't the time.

Riley wasn't as willing to accept that explanation. Why should he be worried about Lucas? Hadn't he more than proven that, not only would he never hurt her, but also actually do everything in his power to protect her? He even saved her from herself when they were in Texas. Granted her father wasn't exactly aware of that situation, but still, why, according to her father, was Lucas suddenly incapable of doing anything right by her? "I don't understand why."

Lucas let out a long breath. He needed to tell her, he just wasn't sure how. After everything they had been through in order to be together, why did it feel like something else was trying to pull them apart? And that particular something just happened to be the one thing he could only run away from for so long before it finally caught up to both of them: his past. "Because of everything that happened."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "Yeah, but you didn't do any of that. You shouldn't be the one to take the heat for it." Her father was normally so level headed, so sensible. She was just like him. He always saw the best in others. It's why this whole situation didn't make any sense to her. Something else had to be going on.

"It's ok. You know," he glanced around her room to avoid making eye contact with her, "maybe I should go to Texas for the summer? Maybe he'll be more comfortable with the idea of us if I'm gone for a few months. It'll give him some time to get used to the idea." He had gone back and forth about the whole idea ever since they got back from Texas. On the one hand, he and Riley had just started dating, but at the same time, he was given the chance to not only help out Pappy Joe, but to maybe try to find a way to forgive his father for everything. It was an impossible decision. He didn't want to leave her, especially if she needed him, but this whole situation with her father also made him realize that he didn't want to be the reason for their relationship to become fractured. Her father was an amazing man. He was just doing what he thought was best for his daughter. Lucas couldn't fault him for that because he wanted the exact same thing for her.

She had suspected that he would end up in Texas over the summer. Part of her had hoped that he would spend the time with his father. The more selfish side of her hoped that he wouldn't, but she knew he needed this time with his family. At the same time, after the events of the previous day, she wanted to make sure that he wasn't doing this just because he felt pressured to. "I don't want you to feel like you're being run out of town by my dad."

"I don't." _'For the most part,'_ he added to himself. "I was leaning more toward it anyway. I want to help Pappy Joe out and…I don't know…maybe see what happens with my father. Figure out if he's being genuine or not."

She nodded as she seemed to accept his answer. "I think that's what you should do. If there is a way to try to get past everything that happened and maybe find some peace, I can't not support that." She was going to miss him. Oh boy was she going to miss him, but there was no way that she would ever ask him to stay. "I want you to be happy."

His eyes finally landed on hers. "I am happy."

Riley smiled at him, but as her mind began to slide back into her earlier concerns, her face fell. "Even after this afternoon?"

"Yes." He rubbed the back of his neck as his mind wandered back to his history teacher and their conversation. He really needed to talk to her about it, but not now. She already had enough on her mind that she was worried about. The last thing he wanted to do was to give her another reason to pull back from him. "It'll be ok, Riley. Look at everything we've been through already. This is just a small bump. He'll come around." He wasn't sure who he was trying to reassure: her or himself. He would be lying if he said he wasn't worried. From everything he had seen and heard about Mr. Matthews, he knew that he was a sensible, levelheaded man. Knowing that he didn't approve of his relationship with his daughter nearly destroyed Lucas, but as soon as he saw her face after walking out the classroom, he immediately resolved to change Mr. Matthews' mind. He knew he wasn't worthy of her, but he was determined to prove to her father that he would never treat her as anything less than what she truly was: his salvation.

She couldn't help but laugh a little at his comment. Since when was he the idealist and she the cynic? There had to be a full moon out or something. It was the only way to explain all of the insanity of the last 24 hours. "Aren't I supposed to be the one to say that to you?"

He lifted the corner of his mouth into a sly smile. People change people, right? He never thought he would be hopeful about the future. Yes, there were a few things to work out, but he couldn't help but to hope. She was the one who taught him that. "What can I say? You make me an optimist."

She watched as his green eyes seemed to marvel at the realization that he now saw the world in the opposite way that he used to. The smile that formed on his face, as he told her the effect that she had on him, made her heart melt. She couldn't ever imagine loving anyone any more than she loved him in that single moment. He had hope. If she hadn't been lost in his gaze, she would have been able to stop herself, but she uttered the command before she realized it. "Stay."

Lucas tilted his head to the side. "What?"

She tore her eyes away from him as she tried to process what she just asked him. It wasn't too late. She could take it back. She could just tell him that she was fine and that he could go back home and that they would see each other at school in a few short hours. As she opened her mouth to back peddle, she found herself doing the opposite. "Please? I thought I could do this. I thought I could be fine on my own, but I'm not. I don't…I don't want to be alone."

"What about your dad?"

"I'll set my alarm for even earlier than I normally do. You'll have plenty of time to leave before he even wakes up." She turned back to him. "Please. Please, stay." Five minutes ago, she wouldn't have dreamt of asking him. After she let it slip, she couldn't take it back. She needed him there, just for tonight.

He couldn't refuse her. Without uttering a word, he took off his shoes.

They silently climbed into Riley's bed. Lucas laid on his back, while Riley curled up next to him. "I'm having déjà vu right now," Riley chuckled as she rested her head on his chest. "What about you?"

A smile formed on Lucas's face as he thought about Christmas Eve. Of course at the time, he was completely torn up about everything that had happened to her, but he had to admit that was one of a limited number of nights in the last six months where he had slept for more than a few hours. "Definitely under better circumstances this time."

"Absolutely," she agreed as she looked up at him. "Things could be worse, you know? I mean…look at how far we've come already."

"Yeah." He began to lightly rub her back. "Eight months ago, we didn't even know each other, and now…"

"And now?"

He looked down at her. "And now I can't imagine my life without you in it."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Good, because I feel the same way." She craned her neck up to give him a light kiss on the lips. She lingered for just a moment as her eyes slowly opened to meet his.

He knew that she only meant to give him a kiss goodnight. Nothing wrong with that- except for the fact that the physical side of their relationship had been intensifying ever since they began dating. If her father hadn't walked in on them earlier, he wasn't sure what would have happened between them. He knew that she wasn't ready for a physical relationship, but in that moment with her, he wasn't sure that he would have been able to think logically enough about it to make them stop.

As he laid next to her, as he gazed into the spellbinding eyes of the girl he gave his heart to way before they began dating, he couldn't help but to want her closer. He softly brushed the back of his hand against her cheek.

Riley swallowed before she leaned forward once more. Her lips brushed against his in the same manner as before, except she didn't pull back this time. Instead, she slid herself further up as she opened her mouth against his.

They needed to stop. They needed to try to get some sleep. They needed to do anything other than what they were doing at that moment. Lucas wanted to respect Riley's parents by respecting their daughter in their apartment, but he was a teenage boy, and Riley Matthews stirred up feelings in him that he didn't even know existed. Instead of pulling back from her, he found himself pulling her closer instead as he wrapped his arms around her petite frame. She was like a drug to him. Whenever she was around, whenever they were alone, he couldn't ever seem to get enough of her.

His brain nearly imploded when she slid her lips down from his lips to his neck. He thought she was going to stop, that she would simply curl up next to him and attempt to get some sleep, but she didn't.

She continued to kiss a trail down to the top of his chest. She stopped when she reached the cotton material from his shirt. She said nothing to Lucas as she suddenly sat up.

It wasn't until she began to slide his shirt up his stomach that he realized what she was trying to do. He took a shaky breath as his hand reached out to stop her. "Riley, what are we doing?"

She bit her lip in confusion as she stared at his shirt. "Am I doing it wrong," she finally asked him timidly.

It was a loaded question. She was doing everything right, more than right. He felt that he had completely lost all sense of reality when her lips connected with any part of his body. Luckily, when she paused before trying to pull his shirt up, he was finally able to clear the haze in his brain long enough to realize what they were doing. "We can't do this."

"Why not?"

"Riley, we are in your bedroom. Your parents are down the hall. And as much as I want to…" he trailed off as he couldn't help but to take in her beauty from head to toe. His brain began to wander back to the thought of them taking their relationship to the next level. He shook his head as he tried to remain sensible. God, he hoped that he was building up some good karma somewhere for saying what he was about to say. "We should wait."

She tilted her head to the side. Wasn't this the next step for them? She wanted to be with him and she thought he wanted the same thing. Why did they have to wait? "Wait for what?"

"You're not ready," he told her as he reached up to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. "You went through something pretty traumatic, and I want to make sure that you don't think about any of that whenever we decide to…" He gave her a warm smile. "We have all the time in the world to get there."

All she knew in that moment was that she felt ready. Six month ago, she thought that she would never be ready to have that kind of relationship with anyone, but somehow, even then, when she thought about Lucas, all she wanted was for him to be closer to her. She had never been afraid of him. She always had felt completely safe with him. "I'm ready."

She wasn't making this easy. He nearly broke when he saw her bottom lip poke out slightly as she pouted. It was taking everything in him not to pull her close to him again, but he knew it would be his undoing. "You deserve so much more than for our first time together to be like this. You deserve an entire romantic evening."

"I only want you." Why was he fighting her about this? She felt her insecurities begin to creep back in. Didn't teenage boys eat, sleep, and breathe sex? So why was her boyfriend pushing her away?

He knew her. He knew what thoughts were starting to consume her. He needed her to know that this had nothing to do with physical attraction and had everything to do with timing. "And I only want _you_. Let's wait, ok? There's no rush."

Riley let out a long breath. "When did I become the guy in this relationship?"

He chuckled, relieved that she didn't seem to be taking his hesitation the wrong way. "I just want everything to be perfect for you."

She was starting to believe that he might actually know her better that she knew herself. As she tried to clear her mind once more, she realized that he was right. As much as she wanted to show him how much she cared about him, they weren't under any time restraint. "As long as I have you, then everything is perfect."

"Come here," he gently commanded as he gestured for her to lay beside him once more.

When she complied, he wrapped his arm around her. "I want to do everything right with you, Riley. That means taking it slow. I know that we jumped right into a relationship because of everything that happened before. This is the one thing that I can control, and I want to make sure that it will be something you won't regret doing one day."

"I could never regret being with you."

He kissed the top of her head. She had no idea how badly he needed to hear those words from her. "I love you."

She couldn't help the yawn that escaped her lips. She glanced at her alarm clock. _'3:30 AM.'_ "I love you too."

"Get some sleep," he said as he began to rub her back once more. "I'm not going anywhere."


	6. Chapter Five

_**A/N: Sorry for the little wait in between updates. I'm hoping to spend a little time this weekend working on this fic to try to get ahead like I did in Serendipity. Thank you ALL for the continuous feedback and support. It means the world to me.**_

* * *

Chapter Five

They slept. Just the mere act of them wrapped up in one another's arms put their own troubled minds at ease. For Riley, it was her nightmares and her two-week punishment. For Lucas, it was the thought of constantly battling in his inner demons while continuously aspiring to be the man he wanted to be, the man Riley deserved. He was more than a little troubled by her father's cold shoulder, but he couldn't blame him for it. If he had a daughter who dated someone with the history Lucas had, he would act the same way.

Neither thought about the outside world and all of the trouble it held for them as they both found a peaceful slumber.

As morning came, as time slipped by, Riley's alarm clock did not go off as scheduled. Neither of them budged as they continued to be lost in their welcoming dreams of the other.

Riley sighed happily as she rolled over to rest her head on his chest. She was transported back to the hill on Pappy Joe's farm. They were stargazing once again, lost in conversation, lost in the endless sky above them, lost in one another. Nothing bad could touch them when they were on that hill. They were completely free to be with one another in whatever capacity they chose. The world wasn't there to tell them to stop or that their relationship was too new or they were too young to feel everything that they felt for one another.

No.

While they laid under the endless sky of stars, they were free.

Lucas's dreams aligned closely with Riley's. They were on the hill again, at night, but it had to have been several years in the future. And they weren't alone. A little boy and girl were with them as they played around a picnic, which had been meticulously set up. The little girl with chestnut curls crawled into his lap as he pointed out the different constellations above them. He watched as her curious brown eyes widened at the sight of the images above her. She was a marvel. She looked just like Riley. He glanced over at Riley, who held the younger boy in her arms as she looked up at the heavens above them. The little boy couldn't have been much older than two, with light brown hair and green eyes that reminded Lucas of his own.

Lucas reached his hand out to where Riley sat beside him. When she reached out her hand to hold his, he noticed the band on his left ring finger.

"Lucas," he heard her call out to him.

He glanced at her as she watched the heavens above them. She looked simply breathtaking as he took in her appearance. She wore a white sundress, which seemed to highlight her olive complexion perfectly. She also adorned a crown of daisies in her hair.

"Lucas," she called once again.

He frowned as he watched her. Her lips weren't moving, but she was calling out his name. And the voice that called out to him didn't even sound like hers. What was going on?

"LUCAS!"

Had he fallen asleep in class? Lucas's eyes snapped open at the sound of his name from the very familiar voice of his history teacher. He sat straight up in bed as he realized that he was still in Riley's room. His eyes immediately landed on the very angry ones of Riley's father.

Riley awoke at the sound of her father's voice. She sat up next to her boyfriend as they both stared at her father like a deer caught in the headlights.

Cory looked back and forth at the stunned teenagers.

Riley was the first out of the three of them to find their voice. "Dad, this isn't what it looks like."

"Oh no?!" Cory knew that he was the one who spoke, but he didn't even recognize the sound of his own voice. It was deep, raw. His hands shook as a white-hot anger began to replace the shock at the sight of his daughter wrapped up in the arms of her boyfriend. He knew he had to remain calm. The current level of his own anger scared him. He knew if he weren't careful, he would surely do something that he would one day regret. "Cause it looks bad, Riley…really bad. Did I not just tell you two about ten hours ago that _you_ were grounded," he turned to Lucas, "and you weren't allowed in her room anymore?!"

Lucas swallowed as his heart began to race. Why was everything beginning to fall apart? Surely Mr. Matthews would understand that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding and that nothing had actually happened between them. "Yes sir, but—"

Cory shook his head as he held his hand up to silence the Texan. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want any excuses. He just wanted to launch himself at the blonde haired boy. "No, Mr. Friar. No buts. You both deliberately disobeyed me."

"This isn't Lucas's fault!" Riley got out of bed as she stepped closer to her father. He had to see some sort of reason with this. None of this was his fault. All of it was hers. She had to make him see reason. "I asked him to come over."

Cory shifted his gaze, and with that, his anger, from the teenage boy in his daughter's bed to his daughter. "Who _are_ you?"

Riley scrunched her face up at his question. "What are you talking about?!"

Cory crossed his arms over his chest as he stared at his eldest child. "The Riley I know would never do this. She'd never willfully disobey me. She'd never sneak a boy into her bedroom in the middle of the night. She'd never raise her voice at me."

"Maybe it's because you don't know me anymore!" She was upset, hurt at her father's words. If he would only listen for just a moment, he would see that he was overreacting. Nothing happened between them. She simply needed him, and he was there.

Riley's words stung her father. He let out a long breath as his anger continued to boil over. "Well, that we can agree on. You haven't been the same since…"

"Since what? Since the ski trip? Since I almost got raped by my ex-boyfriend?! Well, you're right about that. I'm not the same girl I was." A fire in Riley had been ignited. He didn't know her anymore. She could agree with that. She had changed so much in the last few months, but he refused to see any of it until she started dating Lucas.

"No! This goes further back. You haven't been the same since _he_ came into town," he gestured to Lucas who had climbed out of the bed and walked up behind Riley.

Riley shook her head as she tried to steady her own fury. Yelling and screaming wasn't going to solve anything. The three of them had a problem, and according to her normally levelheaded father, conversation was the best way to solve issues. "He's not the problem, dad."

"People change people, right Riley?"

He wasn't listening. For some reason, he believed that Lucas was the problem, when in reality, he was the only reason she even survived the last six months. " _I_ was the one who asked him to come over. _I_ was the one who kissed him yesterday. _I_ was the one who fell apart. _He_ is the one who brought me back. _He_ is the reason I broke up with Charlie after he hit me. _Lucas_ was the one who I chose to lean on throughout the last six months, dad."

Cory took a deep breath. He would always be grateful for Lucas for doing all of those things for her, but at the end of the day, he was still a troubled teenager with a past as colorful as anything Cory had ever seen in his life. "You don't know him, Riley."

Riley scoffed. "I know him a lot better than you do."

"Do you," he challenged. His eyes ticked over to Lucas. "Mr. Friar, I suggest you leave. And just so we are all clear, until further notice, you are not welcome in this house. If I catch you again, so help me God—"

"No need to finish that sentence, Mr. Matthews," Lucas interrupted as he grabbed his boots. He walked over to the bay window, unlocked it, and lifted it. He turned to face his teacher. "I understand that you don't respect me, but I love your daughter, sir. I'm not the same person I used to be." He threw one last glance to Riley before he disappeared out the window.

Tears formed in Riley's eyes as she watched his retreating form climb down the fire escape. She turned back to her father. "How dare you," she snarled as the tears started to fall. "He's the best thing that ever happened to me. He's done nothing to make you question him. You want to blame someone for the change in me? Blame Charlie. Yeah. Remember him? The guy who tried to rape me?! Who beat me? Gave me a concussion? Any of this ringing a bell?!" Her chest heaved as tears continued to sting her eyes. "No, dad. I'm not the optimistic, naïve girl I used to be. I'm stronger now. And I won't let you stop me from being with him because you have no idea what we went through just to be together."

Cory flinched at her words. He beat himself up everyday over the fact that he didn't see the signs. He never understood why Riley broke up with Charlie. He didn't see the bruises until it was too late. He never knew what all had gone through his daughter's life. When Farkle and Zay found him that night and told him what had happened to Riley, Cory never felt more of a failure as a parent. His job was to protect her, and he had failed her. He wasn't going to make that mistake again. She could hate him all she wanted to. Her safety was his only concern. Maybe Lucas seemed perfect now, but with a past as dark as his, he couldn't help but to want to keep him away from his abused daughter. "You don't know him, Riley. You don't know who he is. And if you think I'm just going to stand around and let this happen to you again, then you are the one who doesn't know me at all. I'm doing this for your sake. I only hope that you wake up one day and realize it." He sighed. "You need to get ready for school. I'll take you until Maya gets back." He said nothing more as he left her room.

Riley stood completely shell shocked for a moment as she tried to process everything that just happened. What was going on? She walked back to her nightstand as she grabbed her phone. Why didn't her alarm go off? She opened up her alarm. "PM," she groaned. She took a shaky breath as she began to type out a text to Maya. Just as she was about to send it, she stopped. No. That wasn't fair to her. She needed to have a good trip and not get thrown into another Riley mess.

 _12 hours._ That was all it took for everything to unravel around her.

Riley deleted the text to Maya, but quickly typed one out to Lucas.

 _R: I'm so sorry. I accidentally set the alarm for 6 PM instead of AM. It'll be ok. Once he calms down, everything will be fine. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I love you._

She sat the phone down as she tried to compose herself. She had to get ready for school, but how was she going to go through the day without Maya? She knew Lucas was upset. He had to be. If the roles were reversed, she would be upset too. Things had just come together. Why were they now falling apart?

She walked to her closet to pull out something to wear. As she threw the garment on the bed, she glanced at her phone.

Nothing.

She sighed.


	7. Chapter Six

_**A/N: Ahh. I hope this doesn't seem as boring as I'm starting to think it is. It picks up, but I need to lay the groundwork first.**_

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Chapter Six

Two classes and lunch. Those were the only times she could see him. One of those precious classes Riley also had with her father. She knew that her father took his lunch around the same time as she did, and something told her that he would suddenly decide to start eating in the cafeteria.

She also knew Lucas. Her father only forbade him from coming to the house. He didn't forbid them from speaking at school, but she knew that Lucas would take it a step further and full respect what her father's wishes. Cory didn't say they couldn't speak to one another at all, but Lucas knew that was what he wanted.

When she saw him walk into their English class, he avoided her gaze. Her stomach dropped as he breezed past her to get to his seat. Why was this such a big deal? It was all a misunderstanding. If everyone could just calm down, if they could all sit and just talk about everything, then everything would be easily fixed. Communication was key, right?

As she glanced back at him, she knew it wouldn't be that easy. She knew his insecurities. She knew that for some reason, he didn't feel worthy of her. She knew how much he respected her father and if her father wanted him to stay away from her, he would.

To be honest, that angered Riley. Did her father's approval somehow mean more than her own approval? What about what she wanted? What about what was best for them? They had just started dating and he was already trying to shut her out because of a misunderstanding with her father?

She couldn't concentrate in class. All she wanted was for him to throw one glance in her direction. One look to tell her that everything was ok, that everything would be ok.

It never came.

Five minutes before the bell rang, she scribbled down a note to him. As soon as the bell rang, she slipped it into Farkle's hand with instructions to give it to her boyfriend. When he gave her a questioning look, she simply told him that it was a long story and to just help her out with that one favor.

Of course, Farkle complied. He was confused, but he did exactly as Riley instructed. He watched as his best friend read the note and simply stuffed it in his locker without a word.

"What's going on," Farkle asked. Had they gotten into a fight? Was this about the conversation Lucas had with her father the previous afternoon?

Lucas sighed as he reached for his Pre-Calculus book. "Trust me. You don't want to get involved."

"Something happened between two of my best friends. I'm already involved."

Lucas closed his locker. He stood there for a moment as he tried to figure out what to do. He needed to respect Mr. Matthews' wishes. It was the only way they would even stand a chance of making it out of this mess together. On the other hand, he knew Riley was about to lose it, and he couldn't let her think that he didn't care anymore. He looked at Farkle for a moment. He hated to reduce his best friend to being a messenger between them, but he wasn't about to risk texting her. What if her dad took her phone away too? "Do you have a piece of paper?"

"Sure," he said as he ripped a piece of paper from his notebook.

Lucas placed the paper on top of his locker as he quickly wrote a message on it. He folded the paper and handed it to Farkle. "Give this to her for me, ok?"

The look in his eye made Farkle's concern grow. "Everything isn't ok, is it?"

"No," he let out a long breath, "It's not."

* * *

Riley hadn't heard anything back from him. She didn't see him in the hallways. She didn't have a note waiting for her at her locker. As she walked into her history class alone, she prayed for the strength to just make it through this last class. Her eyes immediately landed on her father. When he looked up at her, she quickly looked away as she numbly slid into her seat.

As she opened her textbook, Farkle and Zay walked in. "Hey Riley," Zay greeted, completely oblivious to the saddened demeanor of his friend.

"Hey," she mumbled.

Zay frowned as he turned to Farkle. "Ok. What's going on? I got that same reaction from Lucas."

"I don't know," Farkle told him truthfully as he approached Riley's desk. Lucas still hadn't said a word about what happened between he and Riley. He was convinced that Riley hadn't said a word to Maya about it, or else his girlfriend would have already told him the plan to fix it. "Hey," he said.

Her eyes slowly looked up at him. Farkle was the only person who could brighten her day at this point—as long as Lucas had told him something, anything, about where his head was at. She was desperate. "Hey Farkle." She held her breath as she waited for him to speak.

Farkle glanced at his history teacher, who seemed engrossed in something he was writing on the board. He turned back to Riley as he slid the note across her desk toward her. "He wouldn't tell me what was going on, but whatever it is…he's acting the same way you are about it."

She gave him a small nod before he walked to his seat behind her. She glanced at her father to make sure his back was still turned toward her before she quickly opened the piece of paper.

' _I want to be the person you think I am. I'm not, but maybe one day I will be. I want him to trust me to be around you, but he doesn't. I love you.'_

She folded up the note just as Lucas crossed the threshold into the classroom. Her eyes immediately connected with his. "I love you too," she mouthed to him.

He nodded as he continued to walk to the back of the classroom to take his seat. As soon as he sat down, the bell rang.

* * *

It didn't take long for Maya to find out that something happened. Riley barely made it to her bedroom before her phone rang. "Farkle told you something was wrong," she said into the phone. No greeting. No small talk. Riley was exhausted. She knew that Farkle kept nothing from his girlfriend. Riley hated not running to Maya about it as everything developed, but she didn't want Maya to have to deal with another Riley problem when she was supposed to be basking in the afterglow of having her artwork displayed.

Maya flinched slightly at Riley's defeated tone. It seemed worse than what Farkle had assumed. He thought that Lucas and Riley got into an argument over his conversation with Mr. Matthews. Maya knew better. It went deeper. A lot deeper. "What happened?"

"What didn't happen," she sighed as she sat at the bay window. She looked outside at the cloudless sky above her. "Dad caught us making out in my room."

Ok. That wasn't good, but it definitely didn't seem worth all of the doom and gloom that accompanied the tone in Riley's voice. "That's pretty intense."

Did that only happen yesterday? It suddenly felt like another lifetime ago. "Yeah, it was, but it wasn't like we were on the bed or anything. Just at the bay window."

"The bay window," Maya shrieked. How could she? How could they? WHAT?! "Riley, the bay window?! That's sacred! It's where we figure out our lives!"

Riley sighed. "Sorry. We didn't mean for it to happen. We just started kissing and then—"

The last thing Maya wanted to hear was what exactly her best friend and boyfriend did to taint the sanctity of their spot. "Please spare me the details."

Riley stood up from the window and walked toward her bed. "It wasn't bad. It just looked a lot worse than what it was."

Maya knew she was going to regret asking this, but she knew that Riley needed help with the situation and the only way Maya could do that was to hear what exactly happened to send her father into a tailspin. "Why?"

Riley waited until she was curled up in her bed before she spoke. "I was sort of in his lap."

Maya was stunned. She and Farkle had been dating for awhile now, longer than Riley and Lucas, and she never ended up in his lap while they kissed, and here was Riley Matthews, the good one, and she was caught making out with her boyfriend, in his lap, in her bedroom. "RILEY!"

She ignored Maya's shock. If Maya thought that was bad, Riley had no idea how she would react to the rest of the saga. "Dad came in. He freaked out. Forbid Lucas to be in my room anymore. Grounded me for two weeks."

"Two weeks? That's pretty harsh. No wonder you guys seemed all depressed this morning." Two weeks was rough, but considering everything else they had been through in order to be together, two weeks didn't seem to be that earth shattering. "Two weeks is nothing," she tried to reassure.

Riley rolled over onto her back. If only that was everything. If only the story ended there. "That's not everything."

"What else happened?" Maya couldn't believe this. How could it get any worse?

"Well…I had another nightmare last night."

"Oh, Riley. Why didn't you call me?" That was the deal. If something happened, even something as insignificant as a nightmare, Riley was supposed to call her.

She knew what Maya's instructions were. She even agreed to follow them, but she didn't. She didn't want to depend on her to make everything better. She wasn't going to let Maya sacrifice anything for her, especially an art show. "Because your job isn't to take care of me. I ended up calling Lucas. He came over."

"He did?" Her mind began to wander. So, Lucas was forbidden to be in Riley's room, yet he went back into her room only a few hours later. Maya didn't like where the story was headed.

Riley rolled to the other side as she brought a pillow to her chest. "Yeah. We talked for a while, but then…I begged him to stay with me. I told him that he would be out before dad woke up."

Maya groaned as she rubbed her forehead. This was a lot worse than she thought. "Let me guess…he wasn't."

"I accidentally set my alarm for PM instead of AM."

"Oh no." Why? Why was the universe conspiring to prevent her best friend from actually being happy for once? Why was everything falling apart for her while she was away at some dumb art show? She should be there for her. She should be trying to talk to her dad about it, and explain that Lucas only had the best intentions and how Riley just needed someone there for her. Maya wasn't sure if Riley's parents knew that her nightmares at returned. She wasn't sure if they ever really understood how intense they were for their daughter.

"Yeah," she closed her eyes as the memories of that morning rushed back to her. "Dad came in and freaked out. The short version is that Lucas isn't welcome here anymore. Lucas took it a step further and hasn't talked to me all day."

This wasn't adding up. Mr. Matthews was always the most sensible, levelheaded person she knew. Something was wrong with him. "I don't understand why you're dad is acting like that. I understand finding your daughter's boyfriend in your daughter's bed, but I'm sure you explained that nothing happened."

"I didn't get much of a chance. I don't understand. Dad liked Lucas just fine. And now he thinks that Lucas is going to be just like Charlie."

Maya bit her lip as she furrowed her eyebrows. Sure, Lucas had a past, but it was one that they were all well aware of. They all knew that he wasn't the guy he used to be. Mr. Matthews would be the first person to acknowledge that a person's past wouldn't necessarily dictate their future. "I wonder why."

"I don't know!" It was the only thing that had been on Riley's mind all day, besides trying to get Lucas to talk to her. Her dad wouldn't just fly off the handle like that. "Something happened between them. Neither one of them will tell me anything. How can I fix something that I don't know about! Today was awful. I don't know what to do…and I'm grounded for God knows how long. And he's going to Texas once school gets out."

Maya nodded. She figured that after this incident that he would go to Texas for the summer. She really couldn't blame him. Riley's father would surely calm down after a Lucas-free summer. "Oh, he is?"

"Yeah. He decided after Dad kicked him out the first time."

This one was a dozy. It was completely uncharted territory. Sure, Riley had gotten into trouble with her father before, but it was always over little things. After a day or two, he would calm down and they would go back to being the poster pair for father/daughter relationship of the year. Maya knew that something like this wouldn't get resolved within a day or two. "I can't leave you alone at all, can I?"

"Apparently not," she mumbled. "Maya, what am I going to do?"

She let out a long breath. "Maybe you just need to wait it out. I know it stinks, but if your dad is that mad, I'm not sure how to fix it. I don't think I've ever seen him mad. Maybe Lucas leaving will give you all a few months to recover from it."

Riley buried her face in the pillow she held. It was the one Lucas rested his head on last night. It still smelled like him. Riley took a deep breath as she allowed the smell of her boyfriend to fill her senses. "I don't want him to go."

"I know you don't. You have Farkle and me though."

Riley opened her eyes as she slid the pillow away from her. She needed to figure out a way to bottle that scent. It was going to be a long summer. "Yeah. Nothing like spending your summer around a couple to make you think about how much your relationship with your boyfriend has fallen apart."

"We'll have fun, Riley. I promise."


	8. Chapter Seven

_**A/N: Don't bail yet, guys. Last chapter of the set-up.**_

* * *

Chapter Seven

Two months later…

"So when is the fun supposed to start," Riley groaned as she watched the rain slide down the bay window. Two months since the incident. Six weeks since he left, and she didn't feel any better about the situation. Nothing got resolved. No conversations were had between two of the most important men in her life. Everything was at a standstill, and Riley hated every second of it.

Farkle and Maya exchanged looks. "The rain is supposed to stop soon," Maya told her. "Then we can go over to Farkle's and swim. It could be worse. You could still be grounded."

"Yeah. My first day of freedom and it rains. Fabulous." She continued to watch the rain as it fell outside. Instead of being grounded forever, which was what he initially told her, she ended up getting an extra six weeks tacked on for Lucas being in her room when he was told not to be. Two months. For a girl who had never been grounded for more than two weeks before, it was rough.

Lucas's self-imposed exile from her life was a lot worse than any punishment her father could have ever come up with.

"Have you heard from him?" Farkle already knew the answer.

"A little. Not a lot. He wants to respect my father. Wants to do things the right way. Wants to make sure my dad is comfortable." She heard from him maybe twice a week and even then, it was mostly through one-worded texts. Was he trying to push her away or was he just trying to weather the storm? She wasn't even sure anymore. She felt like she was losing him, but as the days wore on, she began to question whether or not she ever had him to begin with? She turned her head back to her friends. "What about what I want? Are we even still together? I think I've talked to him on the phone three times in the last month and we've texted maybe twice week in the last few weeks." She looked down at the ground. "At this rate, we won't make it through the summer."

"Don't say that." Maya climbed off the bed and walked toward the bay window.

"He's just trying to do the right thing. He doesn't want to get in between you and your father." Farkle hated seeing her like this. He knew that Lucas had a lot going through his mind. Between the issues with Riley's father, he also had to deal with trying to find a way to forgive his own father for their sordid history. He had spoken with Farkle about some of it, but he knew that the Texan really wanted to discuss it all with her. For whatever reason, whenever Farkle suggested that he should call Riley, Lucas clammed up. He thought as time wore on, things would get better for them, but it all seemed to get worse. He wasn't sure how to stop it. Two of his best friends were hurting and he had no idea how to end it.

"I don't care!" She brought her knees up to her chest. "I don't," she said softly. "I just need him. I can't do this all summer."

"I'm not sure how it's going to change right now." Farkle thought back to the only conversation he had with Lucas where he actually said anything pertaining to the situation. "Lucas doesn't think he's good enough for you."

"But he is," she insisted as tears began to form in her eyes. This whole situation wasn't fair. "He deserves so much more than someone whose father insists that he's no good for his daughter."

Maya sat next to Riley as she wrapped her arms around her. Two months of trying to interrogate her father had gotten her nowhere. She used to be a pro at it. Whatever happened…it wasn't good. "You have one month left. It'll be ok. He's not going anywhere."

Riley sniffed as she tried to wipe the tears away. She was tired of crying. She was tired of checking her phone every five minutes to see if he texted or tried to call her. She was just tired. "You sure about that? I mean we all know who is in Texas with him."

Maya nodded. She knew that Riley had a lot insecurities when it came to Lucas's ex-girlfriend, insecurities that Maya thought had disappeared, but as time wore on, as Lucas and Riley's relationship became more strained, Maya knew those insecurities would surface. "Yeah, we do, but we also know that he loves you." They had to do something. Riley was coming apart at the seams. "Do you not trust him?"

"I trust him with my life."

"Then just wait until he gets back," Farkle advised. "It'll all work out."

* * *

She couldn't stand it anymore. She thought she could wait until he got back to the city. She thought the time apart would soften her father. She thought that if she carried out her sentence peacefully, he would reconsider his sudden adverse opinion of her boyfriend. When her father tried to shut down any mention of Lucas, an anger Riley didn't even know she possessed quickly boiled to the surface. She was tired of rolling over, of giving in and giving up the one good thing that had happened to her ever since Charlie beat her. She knew she was losing Lucas, and she wasn't going to let it happen—not without a fight.

"All I want to do is see him," she yelled at her father. All of the restrained rage from the last few months rumbled through her whole body as her face turned bright red. Couldn't he see what his hang up was doing to her? Did he not care that his daughter had been miserable for two months now? "Just tell him that you approve of him!"

Cory hated this. He hated how far his relationship with his daughter had sunk over the last few months. True, she stayed in her room those two months without asking for even one night off from her punishment, but as he watched her face morph into a rage that he never knew she had, he couldn't help but to notice the difference in his daughter. "I can't do that, Riley."

Completely exasperated by the fact that no one was bothering to tell her what was going on, she placed her hands on her hips. "Why not?"

He sighed. He always wanted to be honest with his daughter. He wanted to tell her about all of the fighting incidents that were in his file. He wanted to tell her about the one that finally broke his resolve to give the Texan a chance, but he knew that she had to hear it from him. "Because I don't."

Tears stung in her eyes, but she refused to give into the urge. She was angry, furious at the stubbornness of her father. She wasn't about to break down in front of him. "Are you kidding me?! Why? I'm tired of not knowing what your problem is with him. Tell me. If it's so terrible, wouldn't you want me on your side with this? Wouldn't you want me to hate him like you do?"

"I don't hate him, Riley." He appreciated the fact that Lucas seemed to take his words to heart. He wanted him to have some space from Riley for a number of reasons. His past was part of it, a big part, but the other part of it was currently staring daggers into him. He hated this. He hated how much she had changed over the last year. He knew Charlie was a lot of it, but the intenseness of her relationship with Lucas had also changed her.

He didn't hate Lucas? Then why would he purposefully try to keep them apart? It made no sense. "Yes, you do. Why else would you do this?"

She wouldn't understand. She wouldn't get it until she had children of her own someday. As a parent, you develop a sense for knowing when something isn't quite right. He had completely missed it with Charlie Gardner, and he wasn't about to make the same mistake again. "I'm just trying to protect you."

As the tears continued to form in her eyes, Riley clenched her fists. This was the problem! Why did he feel like she needed to be protected from the one person who had protected her the most? "Protect me?! From what? From being in love for the first time in my life?!" She didn't mean for it to slip out, but she didn't care. She was in love. She loved Lucas, and her father needed to know exactly what he was doing to ruin it.

Cory let out a sigh. "You barely know him."

She shook her head. It didn't matter how long she had known him. Love doesn't measure time. Love was just love. It was given and received freely by both of them. Shouldn't that be all that mattered? How could he not see that? "I know enough."

Cory's mind flashed to them in the bay window, them in her bed, the file in Lucas's permanent record, and to the moment Cory saw her battered body by the ambulance. "No, you don't."

"YES I DO!"

The pair suddenly stopped their verbal sparring match when Riley's mother opened the door, her brother trailed behind her.

Riley looked between the two of them for a moment. "How would you guys have acted if someone was trying to tear you apart?" She shook her head as she sprinted toward her room, the dam of tears finally bursting at the seams.

Topanga sat her briefcase down as Auggie looked at his father. "Rough day?"

Topanga walked up behind the ten year old. "Hey, Aug. Why don't you go play some video games in your room while I talk with your dad?"

Auggie looked back at his mom. "I feel like this would be more fun."

She let out a chuckle. "It really won't be." She waited until she heard his door shut before she walked toward her husband. "She hasn't said anything about it in two months."

He sighed. He wasn't up for another round with his wife. "I know, but you know why I—"

"I do," she nodded as she looked at the ground, "But you know that I don't agree with it, right?"

"I do." He sighed as he sat down on the couch, exhausted from the argument with his daughter. He hated feeling like the bad guy. He hated himself for being the reason she was so miserable, but he would rather her be upset with him than-"I hate fighting with her. We were never like this before."

"She's in love," Topanga said as she sat next to him. She had let Cory take the reigns over the situation once he found them in her bed. Topanga agreed that Riley needed to be punished for it and that maybe they did need a small break apart, but she never intended for it to be a permanent chasm between the young couple. Mistakes and accidents happen. Topanga fully believed her daughter when she said all they did was sleep. It was well past time for them all to move on from the incident. "And he does have a past."

"It's not just that," Cory said as he looked down at his hands. He was losing his daughter. Why was he the only one who saw it? "It's…everything. They're getting too close, way too quickly. She's changing. I mean…would the Riley you know ever yell and scream at me?"

"No," Topanga sighed, "But she never had a reason to until now. She's fighting for what she wants, and you aren't fighting fairly because you aren't giving her all the information."

"We agreed that she needed to hear it from him."

She nodded. They did agree to that, but they also agreed that they wouldn't throw Lucas's past in his face, and that's exactly what her husband had done. "And I think he will tell her about his past when he needs to, but Cory…you've known him for almost a year now...has he ever given you a reason to think that he would ever hurt her?" Topanga had learned over the years that it always worked out better if the parties involved came to a resolution themselves, but she was tired of seeing how miserable her daughter and husband were. Nothing was getting resolved. It was only getting worse. He had to know that.

Cory sighed. "This is where I'm torn between being a teacher…someone who wants to have every ounce of faith in the world for his students…and being a father…someone who wants to lock his daughter in her room so she never gets hurt again. All I wanted was for them to have a little bit of space…and it turned into…this." He looked up at his wife, worry and concern etched across his features. "How did it turn into this?"

"Because all it takes is one thing…one pebble to roll down a snow covered hill and become a huge snowball. It's been one thing after the other and that little seed of doubt has turned into this huge snowball for everyone." They were silent for a moment as they both reflected on how they got to this point. "Do you remember when my family moved to Pittsburgh?"

He nodded. He would never forget how helpless he felt. "I thought the world had ended."

"I did too." She placed a hand on his knee as she gave him a small smile. "Do you remember what we promised one another once it all ended?"

"That if we had a child, we would never do that to them." He sighed. "But that's different. We were together…forever…and they've barely started dating." _'And it's moving too fast,'_ he thought.

"It doesn't matter how long they have been together, Cory. Love is love. It just happens. It doesn't matter when you find it. She has both of us in her. She's going to hold on to it. She's going to fight for it. Do you really want her to fight you for it?"

"I just want her to be safe."

Topanga rested her head on his shoulder as the thought about the last year. Every day she asked herself if there was something she could have done to prevent everything from happening like it did. As a mother, she thought she had failed her daughter because she didn't see the signs. "So do I. From what I remember, Lucas was the one who helped her through everything that happened last winter." She hated that Riley wouldn't open up to her about everything, but she was more than grateful that she finally found the strength to open up to someone. Yes, he had a history that Topanga knew he wasn't proud of, but she also knew that Lucas would move mountains to protect Riley. That was enough for her to trust him.

He nodded. "I know. I know all that."

"Give him a chance, Cory. Don't let his past dictate his future."

* * *

It had been raining for nearly three days by the time she landed in Austin. It was rash. She knew it was. She just couldn't stand it anymore. She had to get away. She needed to be with him. She had to see him. So, she snuck out after the fight with her father. He wouldn't listen to what she needed. She was driving herself crazy with worry.

She went directly to the airport and hopped a plane to Texas. It was the craziest thing she had ever done in her life. She knew she would be grounded until she was forty, but she also knew that it was a decision she would never regret. She wasn't going to lose him. She refused to let her father ruin her love life over a simple misunderstanding.

As she rode in the cab out to Pappy Joe's farm, she briefly wondered if she should have called him and told him that she was on the way. She picked up the silver heart shaped pendant she wore and slid it around her neck, her nerves completely jumbled up. She dropped it after a moment as she started to shake her leg. Were they ever going to get there?

After her fight with her father, she had to get away. She considered spending the night at Maya's, but that wouldn't help anything. She needed to see him. She missed him more than anything else, and her father's refusal to listen to her drove her to madness. Couldn't he understand that Lucas was one of the good guys? She had never openly defied her father before. She was always daddy's little girl.

But not now. Not this time.

Her heart screamed that this whole situation wasn't right. Lucas had to run to Texas for the summer to get space from them, from the incredibly difficult situation that she had once again put him in. This time it wasn't because of Charlie. It was because of her own father.

She couldn't stand it anymore. Why couldn't they be together? Why couldn't they be happy and everyone just be happy for them? Why was it all so difficult?

As they reached her destination, a panic came over her. What if he didn't want to see her? What if he sent her back? She wouldn't be able to stand it. It had been two long months without him. Though they had spoken a little, it wasn't the same. He had built up this wall between them, and she was suffocating because of it. Her heart ached for him. She had to see him. Even if he turned around and sent her back.

She slowly walked to the front door as she enjoyed the warm summer rain that poured over her. She knew that she looked like a wreck: her eyes were blood shot and puffy from the tears that led her to run away, and she knew that the rain she just walked through made her look like a drowned cat. Her hands shook as she lifted her hand to knock on the door.

She held her breath as the door opened. She half expected to see Pappy Joe at the door. When her chocolate eyes met his emerald ones, she couldn't help herself. A fresh batch of tears formed in her eyes as she launched herself at him.


	9. Chapter Eight

_**A/N: The song used in this chapter is called "Weak" by Wet.**_

* * *

Chapter Eight

As Lucas opened the door, he thought he must have been dreaming. There was no way that she was standing in front of him. Sleep still eluded him most nights, but on the rare occasion that he did find enough peace to dream, she always invaded them. Most of the dreams were like this: she would come to him, tell him that everything was ok, that they could be together and that everyone was happy for them. Her father would tell him that he was worthy of her, and for once, he would actually believe it.

Was this another one of those bittersweet dreams? Or was this real and something happened? He knew that he had pushed her away over the last few months, but he had his reasons for it. Obviously the first reason was that he wanted to respect what her father wanted. He wanted them to take some time apart to assess how they affected one another and whether or not it was in a healthy or unhealthy way. Lucas also wanted the chance to prove to her father that he was worthy of her. He wanted Mr. Matthews to feel completely comfortable with him dating his daughter. He knew the she had been suffering because of it, and he hated that, but if a few months apart meant attaining her father's blessing, it would be more than worth it.

When she launched herself into his arms, his quickly dismissed the dream scenario. This was real. She was here with him. "Riley," his worried voice questioned.

"I needed to see you," she answered his unspoken question as she read his mind. She pulled back from their embrace to kiss him.

Although he always loved it when her lips found his, he reluctantly had to pull away from her, confusion marring his otherwise perfect features. "Are you ok?"

She nodded as she shivered, cold from her rain soaked clothes.

She didn't seem hurt. A small smile formed on his face. Had the seemingly impossible happened? Was it all over? Was he finally relieved from his purgatory? "Does your dad know you're here?"

She froze. She never wanted to lie to him. She never wanted to hide anything from him ever again, but she knew that if she told him the truth, he would just put her on the first plane back to New York. She couldn't stand the thought of leaving him so soon after being reunited with him. She flew across the country for him. She needed to be near him for more than just an hour or two.

She slowly nodded her head.

Lucas couldn't believe it. It was all over? Her father realized that they brought out the best in one another? He realized that, despite his past, he was worthy of her? The corner of his lips turned up into a smile. "So, he's ok? With us?"

She nodded once more.

"Thank God," he breathed as he embraced her once more.

Riley thought she would be ok once she saw him, once he held her, but she wasn't. She needed more. She needed him closer. She thought she was losing him, had lost him. She thought that he was pushing her away because of everything that happened.

She pulled back from him as she gave him a small smile.

"What's wrong?"

Her heart pounded in her ears as she looked at him. She had missed him more than words could possibly say. She didn't know if anyone else was home. She really didn't care. There was only one thing in the world that she actually cared about in that moment. And he was right there, in the flesh.

"Nothing now," she breathed before she pulled him to her.

He must have thought about going back to New York a million times over the last few months, but he knew that it would just cause another fight between Riley and her father. The last thing he wanted was to cause more friction between them. It was the main reason why he decided to spend the summer in Texas. He thought that maybe three months away would cool Mr. Matthews down. And apparently it did, because she was here. In Texas. With him. God, he was so happy.

He wrapped his arms around her as he met her urgent kiss with one of his own. He had missed her more than words could possibly ever convey.

 _You, you make me weak  
Yeah you, you bring me to my knees  
And all I ask of you  
And all I ask of you_

 _Is baby, please don't leave me  
You are all I ever need_

He knew that their kiss was starting to get too intense. He began to pull away, but instead of allowing him space, she brought him closer to her. She wasn't about to let him go. Not now. Not ever if she could help it. They had fought too hard for this. Too hard and too long to let go now.

She jumped into his arms as he lifted her up. It was a lot like that awful night a few months ago, but this time was different. She wasn't drunk. She wasn't trying to prove something. She was completely sober as her heart continued to race.

There was so much he wanted to say to her, but as he lifted her into his arms, he forgot everything he wanted to say. She was here. She was safe. She was sober.

And God, he never wanted to let her go.

 _Oh baby, baby, baby  
If you're leavin', leavin', leavin'  
You would only, only, only  
Take from me, me, me_

Her lips refused to leave his as he wandered around the house strictly based off of his memory. By some small miracle, he finally made it into his room, his beautiful girlfriend still wrapped around him. He kicked the door closed behind them as he was finally able to focus his full attention on the incredible angel in his arms. She was soaking wet from the rainstorm that had settled over Austin. He noticed that she was trembling and wondered if it was because she was cold or if it was the simple electricity that pulsated between them.

Two months.

Two months without her.

Two long, lonely months of dreaming of her beautiful face. Two months of dreaming about holding her, kissing her just like this. Two months of wishing they could both be back under the blanket of stars that had enchanted them that perfect spring night.

At that moment, no one else existed. It was just them. The forces of the outside world that always seemed to keep them apart wouldn't win this time.

Oh no. She was here. And he couldn't let her go if he tried.

 _Yellow, bracing teeth  
These visions haunting me  
Get me out of my head  
You get me out of my mind  
You get me out of my dreams_

He found his way to the bed as he sat down with Riley's legs still wrapped around him. He moved his hands to her face as he focused his attention, his love, on the girl in his lap. This wasn't quite like that night at Chubbie's. This wasn't some sort of anger blended with passion. The passion was definitely there, the need, the desire were ever present, but this was so much more.

After a few more moments of pure bliss, he pulled his head back from her. He smiled as he gazed into the hypnotizing chestnut eyes that haunted every dream he had over the last two months. God, he missed her. He didn't realize how much until the moment that he saw her, drenched head to toe. That beautiful summer rain brought his sunshine back to him.

"I missed you," he told her softly.

"Not as much as I missed you," she murmured before she leaned in to kiss him again.

Before he got carried away or misread the situation, he had to make sure that they were on the same page. He pulled back from her as he searched her eyes for any hesitation, any sign that she wasn't ready for this. "Riley, are you sure?"

She rested her forehead against his as she simply breathed him in. She had thought of a thousand different scenarios for what she was about to say next, but none included this. She never thought she would do something so impulsive as to fly across the country against her parents' wishes to see him. She knew it wouldn't be the first time she uttered the words to him, but she was going to make sure that he believed every syllable of it. She gave him a warm smile. "I love you."

Lucas took a shaky breath. It wasn't the first time she told him that, but the way she said it: softly, but with so much conviction that it forced him to believe that she really meant those words. He returned her smile as he cupped her cheek with his hand. "I love you, too."

Riley couldn't help the tears that swam in her eyes. They had declared their love for one another months earlier, but something about this moment between them felt raw. "I need you." She placed her hands on either side of his face as she stared into his beautiful green orbs. "I missed you so much, Lucas. I feel like I can't get close enough to you."

He swallowed as his heart pounded in his chest. She felt the same way he did? She needed him like he needed her? They had been apart so much and so often, that now that they were reunited away from everything that tried to break them apart, he felt that there wasn't such a thing as being too close. That's why he needed to know her boundaries. He wasn't about to presume anything and risk losing her—not after everything they'd been through together. "I can't either," he admitted as their lips fused together once more.

 _Marble browed in teeth  
Come back to me in pieces  
You get me out of my head  
You get me out of my mind  
You get me out of my dreams_

He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear as he began to kiss a trail down her neck.

Riley moaned as goose bumps peppered her arms. How was it possible to love someone so much, so intensely, so completely? She had no idea, but it was exactly how she felt about the guy in front of her. And for some strange reason, he loved her back.

She needed more. She moved her head down, disrupting Lucas's attention on her jawline. He looked up at her, puzzled. She reached down and tugged on his white t-shirt.

He noticed that her hands were trembling as she tried to pull it up. He took the hem of the shirt in his hand and pulled it over his head in one fluid motion. "We don't have to—"

She placed a finger over his mouth to silence him. He brought her hand to his lips as he began to lightly kiss her fingertips.

"I want to," she told him as she watched him kiss each finger. "I'm ready. I-I don't want to wait any longer."

"Just promise me one thing," he said hoarsely as he lowered her hand.

She nodded.

"If you want to stop at any point, tell me."

She wrapped her arms around his neck. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

He rested his forehead against hers. "You're the best thing that will ever happen to me."

Their lips fused together once more as Lucas pulled them backward on the bed. Riley laid on top of him as she detached her lips from his in order to kiss a trail down to his neck.

"This is so not fair," Lucas groaned as Riley found the spot right below his earlobe that always drove him crazy. She smiled against his skin when he moaned.

When Lucas felt Riley stifle a giggle at his reaction, he flipped them so he was now on top of her.

 _Baby, please don't leave me  
You are all I ever need  
Oh baby, baby, baby_

 _If you're leavin'  
You would only, only, only  
Take from me_

He interlaced his fingers with hers as he raised her arm. He began to plant kisses on the back of her hand, leaving a trail as he began to move up her arm, his eyes never leaving hers.

Riley shivered as his mouth slowly climbed up her arm. Goosebumps peppered her arms once more as she felt the white hot electricity that only his touch could provide. When he reached the sleeve on her top, he slid it up to her shoulder, where he planted a few soft kisses. She gently pushed him back as she scrambled to sit up. She grabbed the bottom of her top and tried to tug it up, but somewhere between her nerves and her constant shivering made the simple task more complicated. She softly grunted as she struggled with the garment more than any normal person would.

When he noticed she was struggling, Lucas leaned down and helped her remove it. She threw it on the floor before she turned back to him. She furrowed her eyebrows when she noticed that he was staring at her. "What," her voice quivered. Was she not what he expected?

He was in complete awe at the perfection that was the beautiful creature in front of him. Every trial had led them to this moment with one another. They had been through so much, had fought through so much to be together. Was it all really over? Were they finally free to be with one another? He couldn't help the smile that formed on his face as he looked into her eyes. He never felt more alive than he did at that very moment. "You're perfect."

 _Come clean, summer breeze  
You leave it up to me  
Just the thought of you leavin'_

 _Had me on my knees, on my knees  
Lately I've been feeling so weak  
So set me free_

She returned his smile as all of her insecurities melted away. The way he looked at her now was exactly how she had always dreamed of being looked at. He made her feel confident, beautiful, but it was also so much more than that. She felt completely safe with him. The world could crumble all around them, but she wouldn't care. Nothing could touch her. Nothing could harm her. Not when they were together. Not when he looked at her like that.

She trembled as he approached her, but it wasn't from being nervous anymore. She was still slightly cold and damp from the summer rain that beat down on the roof above them, but she was also trembling from anticipation. How long had she waited for this moment with him? They had an immediate connection, it was undeniable, but she had run from it for so long. It never stopped her dreams of him. No. She had dreamt of this far longer than she should have. As he cupped her cheek in his hand once more, she realized that this moment with him would exceed any dream she ever had.

Lucas captured her lips with his own once more, his desire to express his emotions to her in a way that words were never able to properly communicate. She deserved everything she ever wanted, but for some strange reason, she only wanted him. He knew that now. After everything, it was one thing he was certain of. How did he get so lucky to claim this angel as his own? She had helped him become the man he wanted to be, he would always be grateful for that. He would always be grateful for the fact that she never gave up on him. As her lips parted, he knew he had to get closer to her. He had missed her more than he thought he could ever miss anyone. Now that she was here, he had no idea how he was going to let her go.

He quickly chased those thoughts away as his focus was pulled back to the angel before him. He wasn't going to worry about that—not while she was here. Not while they were like this. He wrapped his arms around her as he pulled her closer to him.

A shiver tore through Riley as she felt his skin on her's. He was warm.

"You're shivering," he mumbled.

She swallowed as she looked into his eyes. "I need you, Lucas."

 _Oh baby, baby, baby  
Please don't leave me, leave me, leave me  
You are all, all, all  
I ever need, need, need_

As their lips fused together, they both felt as if they were about to combust. Their one perfect month together felt like a dream that had long sensed past. Two months apart filled them both with a sudden desperation to cling to one another.

Riley moved her hands to her back in an effort to remove her bra. Before she could, he slid his hands behind her to do it himself. She held her breath and closed her eyes as he slowly removed it.

He said nothing as he tossed the garment across the room. When he turned to look back at her, he smiled. If he lived to be a hundred, he knew that he would never forget this moment and how incredible she looked. He lifted her chin up so he could look into her captivating orbs. "I love you," he told her softly.

Riley slowly opened her eyes. When she noticed all of the love that shone through his eyes, she no longer felt afraid. She felt loved. She felt beautiful. "I love you too," she told him as she reached up to place her hands over his. She slowly brought them down to her hips. "Show me," she softly commanded. "Show me how much you love me."

He took a step closer to her as his lips crashed against hers. He wanted so desperately to take his time with her, to worship every inch of her. He wanted to show her that not every touch was bad, that there was nothing to be afraid of with him. He wanted to take her only memories of intimacy with someone and replace them with this moment. His lips slowly slid down her neck as he began to commit every freckle, every crevasse, to his memory.

 _Baby, baby, baby  
If you're leavin', leavin', leavin'  
You would only, only, only  
Take from me, me, me  
_


	10. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

The next morning, Cory awoke with a better sense of clarity than he had when he went to bed the night before. Topanga had advised him to give Riley some time to herself in order to calm down. At the time, he thought that she told him that in order to help her daughter, but in reality, and true to form, he realized that she did that in order for him to calm down and in order for him to see things from Riley's point of view.

Yes, he was scared. He was scared about how deep his daughter's connection was to someone who had, at best, a checkered past. He was scared that she would get hurt again. He was scared that she had changed into someone he couldn't possibly ever see eye-to-eye with. She was disobedient, irrational, emotional. She was being rebellious, but as Cory rose from his bed, he realized that once upon a time, he felt the same way when he felt that Topanga was being ripped away from him.

Maybe he needed to trust her. Maybe it all was some huge misunderstanding. Lucas had always been responsible and respectful when it came to Riley. Cory knew that Lucas loved her. Maybe that's what scared Cory more than anything else.

Lucas had a past—a past that Cory wasn't full aware of until well after Riley befriended him. He tried to ignore it, move past it, see Lucas for who he was now, but after Charlie—after he failed to protect his own daughter from something so horrific that the mere thought of it made him physically ill—he couldn't help it. Perhaps, he overcorrected. Everyone deserved a new start, a second chance. Hadn't Lucas proven time and time again that he was worthy of it?

Cory let out a long breath. He had a lot of apologizing to do. The conversation with his wife the previous night helped him to remember exactly what it was like to be young and in love. Topanga even ran away from home just to be with him.

Cory froze. Riley had been in her room all night. He hadn't heard a peep from her. He looked down at his still sleeping wife. Riley had a lot of Cory's attributes, but her stubbornness, her spontaneous nature all came from Topanga.

He sprinted out of the room as he quickly climbed the stairs of their townhome two at a time. He flung open the door. Her bed was unmade. His eyes scanned the room. Her phone was nowhere to be seen, neither was her purse. "Topanga," he yelled.

In a flash, every other thought he had that morning vanished. She was gone. Even before he called Katy's number to see if she spent the night with Maya, he knew. She wasn't there. She wasn't in the city. She wasn't even in the same time zone.

' _People change people.'_ The secret of life lesson that he taught his daughter in 8th grade repeated in his mind as he flew back down the stairs in order to call Maya's mother.

* * *

Lucas couldn't help but to smile as he watched her sleep next to him. She seemed peaceful, more peaceful than he had ever seen her. She also seemed so ethereal. How did he get so lucky? He thought for sure a few months ago that he and Riley would face more of a battle from her father after their missteps. To know that he finally had the approval of his favorite teacher to date his daughter? To know that he allowed his daughter to let her fly across the country to see him? It meant more than the world to him. It meant everything. Maybe he wouldn't have to pay for his past mistakes anymore? Maybe he did get the second chance he so desperately wanted. Maybe now his demons could rest in peace.

He heard the house phone ring in the other room, but Lucas didn't budge. It was early still. The only person who would call at this time in morning would be Pappy Joe, who was away for a few days at a livestock sale. If it were something important from his grandfather, he would just call Lucas's cell phone. Lucas didn't want to get up from his bed. He didn't want to risk disturbing her. He didn't want to leave her. They were finally together again. They finally found their peace.

A flash of light by his nightstand distracted him from his current adulation of his beautiful girlfriend. He sat up to look at his cell phone. He frowned when he saw who was calling him. _'She probably forgot to tell him when she landed,'_ he thought as he carefully climbed out of bed. He quickly slid a pair of pants on and grabbed a shirt as he walked out of his room.

Riley remained blissfully unaware as her dreams brought her back to the magic that was the previous night with him.

"Hey Mr. Matthews," Lucas greeted as soon as he closed the bedroom door. He couldn't help the smile that formed on his features. It was all-ok. Everything was finally-

"Where is she," his voiced boomed so loud that Lucas had to pull the phone away from his ear. "Is she with you?!"

His smile slowly faltered. What? "Sir?" Lucas could practically hear Cory seething.

"Riley," he gritted out. "She's not here. Maya and Farkle have no idea where she is. We got into an argument about you yesterday and she stormed off to her room. She hasn't been seen since. Have you heard from her?" Was he playing dumb on purpose? There were only so many places she would go. Texas was at the top of the list. If she weren't there, then Lucas would at least have some idea about where she went. She wouldn't run off without telling someone, and the fact that she didn't bother to tell Maya or Farkle disturbed Cory far more than he ever thought it would.

"I'm confused," Lucas began slowly as he sat down at the kitchen table. "She told me that you were ok…that you agreed to let her come visit me."

"She's in TEXAS," he shrieked. He knew it. He just didn't want to believe it. His normally rational, sane little girl jumped a plane to Texas.

"Yes, sir," Lucas continued to answer slowly, unsure of what exactly was going on.

Cory took a deep breath. He had to make Lucas see reason even if Riley didn't. He was prepared to start over with the Texan not even an hour ago, but this? This wasn't his little girl. Not anymore. "Do you see what I mean now, Lucas? This isn't Riley," his voice broke as the events of the last few months finally hit him. He missed his little girl. He missed their relationship. She used to go to him with everything, and now she couldn't get away from him fast enough. "Riley doesn't just leave without telling anyone, even her best friend."

Lucas looked down as the realization of the situation hit him. She lied to him. She lied to him about the one thing he was the most insecure about. He stayed away from her in order show her father that he respected his wishes and to show him that he respected the relationship Cory had with his daughter. In the span of less than 24 hours, all those months of hard work—all those times he wanted to go to her, talk to her, even text her, but didn't—were for nothing. He knew instead of taking two steps forward, they had all taken a hundred steps back. As the earth shattering realization hit him, Lucas could barely find the words to explain his innocence to his history teacher. "Mr. Matthews, I swear I didn't know about—"

Cory let out a sigh. He didn't want to talk to Lucas. He didn't want to say something he knew he would end up regretting. He just wanted her back. "Just…send her home."

"I'll get her on the first plane back," he quickly vowed. "Sir, I'm sorry that—"

"Save it, Mr. Friar," Cory closed his eyes as he finally allowed himself a moment of relief over the fact that she wasn't hurt or dead somewhere. "I just want my little girl back."

As they hung up, Lucas looked back toward the bedroom door. He could tell that something had suddenly shifted within him—within them. She lied to him. She flew all the way here, and she lied to him. She snuck out. She didn't even tell Maya where she was going. She just left without a word.

It sounded exactly like something he would have done.

People change people.

She wasn't the same person she was when they first met. She wasn't even the same person she was three months ago. She was more rebellious now. She did what she wanted, when she wanted, and didn't seem to care about who she lied to on the way to getting whatever he heart desired. First, to her father, then, apparently to her best friends, and now, to him.

Lucas knew he was responsible for that. He was the one to blame for all of it. He didn't know about her plan, but he was the one who influenced her, who brought her to this point. From everything he had been told, the old Riley would have never done anything like this. The old Riley wasn't devious. The old Riley wouldn't intentionally hurt and lie to everyone she loved in order to satisfy her own desires.

But the old Lucas would.

He stood up as he went to retrieve his laptop. He wasn't going to be the reason for her fractured relationship with her father. He wasn't going to be the reason for her fall from grace. She was too pure, too innocent to just throw it all away on him.

He knew what he had to do.

He had to let her go.

* * *

Riley was disappointed to wake up alone in Lucas's bed. She quickly got dressed, curious as to where her boyfriend had disappeared to without telling her. She didn't have to wander far. As she opened the bedroom door, she saw him sitting on the couch in the living room.

"Hey," she smiled as she walked toward him. As she drew closer, she noticed that he seemed pensive.

He stood up and turned to her, his face grave. His mind had been spinning for the last hour. He had a whole speech prepared, but as he looked at her, he knew that none of those words would come close to conveying how he felt in that exact moment. He had failed everyone in her world. He failed her. She had turned into someone that she wasn't. His heart sunk as he realized that lying had suddenly become very easy for her. It was a trait she didn't possess before. No, this was all a part of his handiwork—his influence.

Riley's smile faded as she watched him brood. Something was wrong. Something was really wrong. "What is it?"

He looked down at his phone, which was still clenched in his hand. "You lied to me." The deep, emotionless voice that came from him took him by surprise. It terrified him. He could already feel the effects of his decision. It was better him than her though. If he had to sacrifice his progress in order to salvage hers, then he'd do it a million times over.

She frowned. "What are you talking about?"

He grit his teeth as the severity of the situation trickled into his brain. He tried as hard as he could to resist the bitterness, the anger from coming through in his speech, but he knew he could only hold it in for so long before he finally succumbed to it. "You told me that your father approved of us. You said that he agreed to let you come here. Well…he called about half an hour ago…worried about you."

Riley bit her lip. She had been caught. She knew that he would eventually find out, but she hoped that he would understand why she did what she did. She needed him. She needed his arms around her. She needed to see him for more than an hour. "I'm sorry I lied. I knew that if I told you the truth that you'd—"

"Put you on the first plane back? Well, I already got your flight moved up to this afternoon. I'm taking you to the airport in twenty minutes."

"What?! Why? I flew all the way out here to be with you." She took a few steps closer to him, but stopped when he stepped to the side to create more space between them.

"Behind everyone's backs, Riley." He gripped his phone a little tighter. "Don't you understand how that makes me feel?! I feel like I'm the reason for all of the tension between you and your dad. And now you're disappearing on your friends too? That's not you, Riley. It's not. It sounds like me…something that I would do."

She shook her head. She knew where this was going because she knew him. She knew that he would somehow shoulder the blame for this entire situation. She had to make him see reason. He wasn't the problem. All of the miscommunication with her father was. "Lucas, I know what you're about to say, and you're wrong. You're not a bad influence on me."

His eyes, which had rested on hers throughout their exchange, suddenly looked down. He felt a knot form in his throat, but he wasn't about to give into the grief he felt over what he had to do. He needed to focus on the anger, the betrayal that he felt. It was the only way he would be able to convince her that she was too good for him. "Riley, you never would have done any of this until you met me. I'm a bad influence on you."

She furrowed her eyebrows. He wasn't looking at her anymore. He was looking at the ground. He wasn't allowing her to get close to him. He was pushing her away. She swallowed. "What are you saying?"

He took a deep breath. _'Focus on the anger. Focus on what would be the best for her. Focus on what she needs: her family, her friends.'_ "I'm saying that…I think we need to break up."

Riley's eyes widened. She must not have heard him correctly. "WHAT?"

He couldn't do it. He couldn't stand there and be forced to watch the tears form in her eyes without giving into his own anguish over what their relationship was now reduced to. He turned around as he walked into the kitchen. "I'm not going to stand around and do nothing as you destroy every important relationship in your life for me. I love you too much to do that."

She followed him as she forced herself to hold back the tears that had already began to slide down her cheeks. "So, we fight. Together."

He grabbed the truck keys off of the table. "I thought that we could, but you're lying to me now, too."

He wasn't thinking clearly. He was just upset about the lie. He had a right to be mad at her about it, but breaking up? Giving up? After everything they've been through? Riley's own anger began to flare up. How dare he stand there and blame all of this on her decision to see him. That wasn't the problem. "You've lied to me too. You and my dad have been keeping this huge secret from me for how long now? And neither of you will tell me what happened that was so bad that my dad has now committed his life to keeping us apart."

He knew someday that it would all come to this. He knew that his past would eventually ruin his future. He rubbed his temple. Fighting his true self, fighting his rage, his anger…it had all been for nothing. His past was already written. His future now demolished. He would have to deal with the consequences of his actions for the rest of his life. He wasn't about to drag her through that too. "Grab your stuff," he finally commanded. "We need to go or you'll miss your flight." He said nothing more as he went outside.

Riley wasn't going to let it go that easily. If he was breaking up with her, she had a right to know exactly why they were breaking up. It wasn't because she lied. It was because of whatever happened before she even met him. It was over something that she had no control over. She grabbed her purse, the only item she took with her, as she quickly followed him out of the house. "Tell me," she begged as they walked toward the truck in the pouring rain. She stopped walking when she realized that he wasn't listening to her. "Lucas," she called out.

He turned to her and swallowed. He always knew he would have to do this one-day. He thought that if he put it off long enough, it wouldn't be as bad. He couldn't help the anguish that escaped his lips as his voice cracked. "You really want to know? You really want to know how bad I am?"

"I want to know what has you so scared that you are running away from me, from us."

"Fine," he took a few steps closer to her. She needed to see exactly who he was—his true self that he had managed to keep from her this whole time. She wanted to know the truth? If it helped her to realize that this was the only solution to their problem, then so be it. "You know that I blacked out when I beat up that guy for Zay, right? Well, after Zay moved to New York, it got worse. I got into several more fights…with anyone who even looked at me in the wrong way. I was…I was always looking for a reason to fight, to hit something…to hit someone."

Riley's bottom lip quivered at his words. She knew that he had a lot of rage towards his father. She knew that he had beaten up a guy who bullied Zay. She didn't know that it had gotten worse. She never allowed her mind to think about what he went through after Zay—his good influence—moved away. She tried to recover from the initial shock of his revelation. All that mattered was that he wasn't that guy anymore. "I don't care. It's not who you are."

He took several deep breaths. His story wasn't over yet. She wanted to know who he was—who he truly was? Well, she was about to find out. "One day, I found Jessica under the bleachers of the football field with some guy. I wasn't lying when I said my relationship with her was…complicated. I found them right after my dad and I got into one particularly nasty fistfight. I was already drunk and pissed off, looking to blow off some steam. I…I completely blacked out. Later on, I was told that I knocked the guy out." He noticed her flinch at his words. If only that was everything. He tried to brace himself as he tried to come up with the nerve to tell her the rest, and effectively slam the book closed on any chance of them ever being with one another again. "I broke his nose. He suffered a few fractures to his ribs too." He took a deep breath. "I was also told that Jessica tried to get in between us at one point and…" he rubbed the back of his neck. Could he go through with it? Could he finish this and watch her turn against him right before his eyes? He knew it was what needed to happen in order for her to see that her father had been right about him all along, but the selfish side of him wanted to stop, to lie, to tell her anything to avoid the truth.

Riley held her breath as she waited for him to continue. When she realized that he had hesitated, she took a tentative step closer to him. She had to know. Her heart raced, her brain suspected the truth, but she had to hear it for herself. "You can tell me."

"She had gotten in the way. I didn't mean to…" he let out a long breath in order to brace himself for the reaction he had dreaded ever since he allowed himself to fall in love with her. It was the reaction he needed in order to let her go. "I accidentally hit her too. I gave her a black eye."

She felt her whole body go into shock. He hit her? When he mentioned his ex-girlfriend, Riley suspected that somehow she had gotten into the fray, but a black eye? She was aware that Lucas had blacked out in fits of rage before, but during one he actually hit his own girlfriend? She placed a hand over her mouth as the shock of it all rippled through her. Memories of Charlie and that night in the mountains flowed through her mind, and she was helpless to chase them away.

Lucas immediately noticed her shiver. He noticed her place a hand over her mouth in horror. He noticed the small step back she took from him. He noticed the sudden fear in her eyes. Fear of him. His heart shattered at the sight. She was afraid of him.

Maybe she should be. He wasn't any better than Charlie. He wasn't any better than his father. The look on her face as she took in the story told him that much. "The guy…wanted to press charges, but Jessica told the cops that I did it in self defense. It still went on my permanent record and I got kicked out of school for a year as a result since the fight happened on school property, but no jail time."

His words brought her back to the present. She shook her head as she forced Charlie out of her mind. No. Lucas wasn't Charlie. Lucas was Lucas. Surely they could explain it all to her father. "My dad only saw that you beat up this guy and that you gave Jessica a black eye. Maybe if we just tell him the whole story…try to explain that you weren't in a good place at the time and that everything with your dad started it all, then everything would be ok."

His lips formed a thin line as he shook his head. His confession only increased his resolve. He wasn't good enough for her. He never was. "It's not going to be ok, Riley. Even if we were able to talk to him, I know what you're thinking. I saw the look on your face."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're afraid of me." He paused as his own words coursed throughout his body. The one thing he never wanted, and he had not only witnessed it, he was the direct cause of it. Riley was afraid of him. "And you should be."

She took a step closer to him as the shock of his story wore off. He wasn't that guy anymore. She wasn't going to let him do this. "Don't push me away, Lucas. Don't push me out."

The look of terror in her eyes at his confession was seared into Lucas's brain. It took ahold of every touch, every kiss, every smile, every beautiful moment between them and squeezed them until they all crumbled to ash and disappeared. "I never wanted you to look at me like that. I never wanted you to fear me. I thought…I thought that I could be different, better, but I'm not. Maybe you haven't changed me. Maybe I've just changed you. You're too good for me. I know it. You know it. Your father knows it. You can't be with someone like me with the history you have."

Thunder rumbled in the distance, but neither one of them noticed. It was hard to notice anything when your whole world had imploded. "You helped me through all that. You aren't the same guy."

He shook his head. "What if I am?"

"You aren't."

He reached her in a second as his hands loosely gripped her arms. She couldn't help the gasp that escaped her lips as she stared into his piercing green eyes. Her heart began to race.

He held her there for a moment as he watched the emotions dance across her face. He had been careful not to grasp her, not to squeeze her, or hurt her in any way. He needed her to feel what he saw on her face at his confession. He needed her to realize that she was scared of him. "You're scared of me right now," he said as he released her arms. He turned to walk toward the truck. "Let's go."

She stood there completely dumbfounded. She would have reacted the same way no matter who had done it. It just took her by surprise. It didn't mean she was scared of him. "No."

He opened the driver's side door before he turned back to look at her. She hadn't budged. "You have to go."

She shook her head.

He slammed the truck door closed as he stalked back towards her, his anger barely in check. Couldn't she understand what was going on? How long was he supposed to endure this torture? She needed to get out of Texas—out of his orbit. She needed to understand that he was the reason for all of her pain in the last few months. "Riley, I'm not kidding. It's done. We're done."

"No!" The tears flowed freely from her eyes. She didn't bother to wipe them away. She didn't care about them. She cared about him. He had to know how much she cared, how much she needed him. "I love you. You love me. We can get through it."

"Get through what," he scoffed. "The lying? The fact that I gave my ex-girlfriend a black eye and you were abused by your ex-boyfriend?! Your dad was right, Riley. It's too much." He couldn't handle this anymore. He couldn't stay strong for much longer. He tried to let the anger overtake him, but the pain, the anguish of watching the tears fall from her eyes was almost enough for him to take back every word, to beg her forgiveness and swear that he wasn't that guy anymore. He wanted to beg her to not be afraid of him. He was barely hanging on by a thread.

"I'm not giving up."

He shook his head. "Then you're just going to be disappointed."

Riley leapt toward him as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Her lips crashed against his as she put every piece of her soul into the fiery kiss. She had to make him see, make him listen to reason. They were everything that was right in the world. They weren't the problem. The world around them was the issue. Together, they were perfect. Together, they could get through anything—even this.

He wanted to push her away. He wanted to resist her, but he couldn't. The feel of her lips on his scorched his very soul. It soothed the shattered pieces of his heart. He couldn't help but to savor the moment. He had to have one last taste of her. He had to have one last memory of her, of them. One last moment of pure love.

Reality came crashing back to them quickly as a bolt of lightning shot across the sky, followed by a loud clap of thunder. It was loud enough to send Lucas plummeting back to earth. He pulled away from her as he turned to walk back to the truck. "We have to go," he told her numbly.

"Lucas," her voice cracked as she tried to hold back a sob. It didn't work. He was still leaving her. "Please don't do this."

He didn't turn around to look at her as he opened the door. "Riley…please get in the truck." The coldness in his voice shocked him, but he was thankful for it. He knew eventually the numbness would wear off and it would be replaced by the anger that he had been able to quell for nearly a year. His demons raged within him. They were ready to come out and play, and for the first time in a long time, Lucas didn't care to stop them.


	11. Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

Lucas had to clench his jaw the whole way to the airport. He was seething. Why did his life have to take one hit after another? Hadn't he atoned for his past sins? Why did they have to come charging back toward him and destroy everything he had spent the last year working toward? Why did they have to take something as pure and innocent as the angel who silently cried next to him and slowly turn her into someone who closely resembled his former self?

"Please Lucas," she begged for a second time as he exited off of the highway. When Riley saw that they were only a few miles from the airport, the desperation in her tone increased. She couldn't leave him like this. This wasn't supposed to happen. They weren't supposed to end up like this. "Don't do this. You love me. I love you. Everything else can be fixed."

He said nothing as they inched closer and closer to the airport. He was afraid to open his mouth, to say anything to her. It took everything in him to ask her to get into the truck. He was scared that if he opened his mouth to tell her there was nothing more to say, he would instead beg her not to leave him.

He couldn't do that.

He wouldn't do that.

It wasn't fair to her.

She deserved the world and everything good in it, and he was everything that was bad. She knew his secret. She knew what he had done, and no matter what happened next, she would always see Charlie Gardner when she looked at him. He was a daily reminder of the evil that could—and did-exist in the world.

The thought alone made him want to run to the other end of the earth to get away from her.

He didn't deserve her. He never did.

As he turned into the airport, the tears that had steadily streamed down Riley's cheeks ever since he said that they needed to break up intensified. He was actually doing this. He was going to put her back on a plane to her parents. He was breaking up with her. He was giving up on them. She wasn't worth the fight. "Lucas," her voice was hoarse, distressed so much that she could barely understand what she was saying, "Please," she pleaded, "Please just tell me that you love me."

He bit the inside of his lower lip to keep himself from saying a word to her. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and tell her that he wasn't going anywhere. He wanted to fight the forces that had now ripped them apart, but how was he supposed to do that when the main problem was himself?

He found her terminal and pulled up to the curb. As he put the truck in park, Riley leaned over and hugged him. He gripped the steering wheel as he stared straight ahead. He couldn't give in to her—no matter how badly his heart roared for him to.

"I love you," she cried into his ear as her grip on him tightened. She didn't want to let go. She couldn't let go. "I love you so much."

He closed his eyes. She had to go before he changed his mind. "You'll miss your flight," he said stoically.

She swallowed before she kissed his cheek. "I love you," she repeated. "Please…tell me you love me."

He let out a long breath before he turned to look at her for the first time since she got into the truck. "I can't," he answered.

Riley's chest heaved twice as she tried to bite back the sob that was threatening to escape her lips. He couldn't tell her that he loved her? Had everything changed so much so quickly? He told her at Pappy Joe's that he loved her. But now he couldn't do it?

No. It wasn't because he didn't love her anymore. He just was pushing her away. He loved her. She knew he loved her. He was pushing her away because he thought it was what was best for her. Couldn't he see that he was wrong?

"You can't push me away," she told him as she opened the door to the truck. "I'm not going anywhere, Lucas. I'll wait."

"It's over," he clenched his jaw. "We're toxic to each other."

She blinked several times. Toxic? "No, we aren't. We're everything that's right."

He shook his head as he turned back around to look at the steering wheel. He couldn't look at her anymore. He couldn't see what this was doing to her. He knew he was doing the right thing. "No, we aren't."

Riley fell silent as his words sunk in. She nodded once before she climbed out of the truck. As soon as she closed the door, Lucas sped off—to get away from the airport, away from her. Riley watched as the silhouette of the truck got smaller and smaller the further he sped away from her. She turned back to the building in front of her.

It was time to go home.

* * *

By the time Lucas got back to Pappy Joe's, he was more than ready for an escape from the last 24 hours—even the last year. He wanted to forget everything that reminded him of her. He stomped through the house, looking for something to distract him, something to numb him. He felt completely ripped in two. On one hand, his anger, his rage had peaked for the first time in nearly a year. A heightened sense of adrenaline flowed through him as he tried to figure out who he was the angriest with. On the other hand, depression beckoned to him and reminded him that the person who caused this whole situation was himself.

He walked into his bedroom and nearly stumbled back at the sight. His bed was still unmade. There was still a perfect indention of Riley's head on the pillow that she slept on. Did all of that really happen last night?

Lucas felt his heart sink even further. He slowly approached the undisturbed monument to their one night of pure devotion to one another. He slowly picked up the pillow and brought it to his face.

It still smelled of her.

He closed his eyes as he inhaled her honey-scented shampoo. A thousand memories of the brunette flooded his senses: her smile, her laugh. The way she always made him feel like he was her hero somehow. The way she put her faith in him, when he in no way had earned it. She had completely flipped her whole world upside down for him, and he selfishly let her.

He gripped the pillow as he slowly opened his eyes. He looked down at it for a moment before he threw it across the room. He quickly ripped the sheets off of the bed as he threw them in the same direction as the pillow. His impassioned eyes scanned the room for any other remnants of her presence. Not finding anything, he stalked out of the room as he headed toward the kitchen.

He grabbed a glass from the cabinet next to the sink and sat it on the counter. He opened the cabinet above the counter and pulled down a half-empty bottle of whiskey. He sat it next to the glass before he leaned against the counter. He swallowed as he felt his recently ignited demons declare war on his conscience.

Suddenly, he grabbed the glass and threw it against the wall. When it made contact, it shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.

* * *

The whole plane ride back to New York was nothing short of a nightmare for Riley. Thankfully, everyone around her left her alone with her thoughts, but her dismal reflections about Lucas and everything that happened were enough to make her silently cry the whole three and a half hours back to the city.

As she deboarded the plane, she knew that she looked like a complete wreck, but she didn't care. It didn't matter. Nothing really did. She screwed up again. Last time, she held onto the hope that someday things would right themselves, but now, her entire faith seemed to be crumbling with every passing second. She took a deep breath as she came out of the tunnel. She knew her parents would be waiting for her.

True to form, her eyes immediately landed on them as she trudged out of the gate.

Topanga glanced at Cory before she looked back at her daughter. Her heart broke on the spot. She had never seen Riley look so desponded, so dejected. She wanted to run to her, to hold her, to tell her that everything will be ok, but she didn't. She was frozen. As her daughter inched closer, Topanga noticed her swollen eyes and the tears that slowly trickled from them.

Cory was taken aback when he saw how disheveled Riley appeared. His heart constricted when he saw her tear-filled eyes. He didn't know what happened between Lucas and her after his phone call, but he had a feeling that she now knew why he had acted the way he did toward Lucas. Despite his desire for the couple to have a little space from one another, he never wanted it to come to this. He never wanted his daughter to be in that much pain, that much anguish. He was trying to protect her from all of that hurt, but as she neared them, Cory realized that, once again, he had failed her.

Riley finally reached her parents. Her bottom lip quivered before she launched herself into her father's arms. "I'm so sorry," she sobbed as a fresh wave of tears poured from her eyes. "I'm sorry I'm so much trouble."

Cory closed his eyes as he held his daughter. He never wanted her to feel like this. He never wanted her to lose everything that made her the unique blend of himself and Topanga. "You aren't," he soothed.

Topanga rubbed Riley's back as Cory held her. Riley knew at that moment that she didn't deserve them. Her parents, though furious with her, were both comforting her instead of screaming. "I'm sorry, daddy."

"It's ok," he said softly before he kissed the top of her head. "You're home now. It'll be ok."

* * *

Lucas wandered to the hill, the whiskey bottle in his right hand. He hadn't opened it, hadn't taken a sip. He just wanted it with him. As he plopped down at his spot—their spot—he stared at the pond. The reflection of the sun seemed to dance along the rippling water. It would have been the peaceful moment he so desperately sought, if it weren't for the civil war raging within him.

The image of Riley taking a step back from him, of her placing her hand over her mouth, of her wide set eyes at his confession was seared into his brain. Every time he blinked, he saw it. Every time he tried to think of something—of anything—else, that image came charging back.

He came to the hill to find his peace, to escape everything that his tortured mind forced him to dwell on. As the realization dawned on him that the serenity of the moment wasn't going to allow him to forget her for one second, to allow him one breath of respite, he turned his attention to the bottle in his hand.

He had sworn off alcohol after he moved to New York. He didn't like who he was when he drank. He always associated alcohol with his Mr. Hyde personality that he had been able to control since the move. It was one reason why he didn't want Riley to drink that night during Spring Break. It was why he was more than grateful that she didn't take him up on the offer to drink together. He didn't want to, but he would have done anything to protect her—even provoking the creature that resided within himself.

 _Riley._

He was an idiot to believe that he could ever have her and be able to keep her. He should have pushed her far away once he found out what Charlie had done to her, but he didn't. He tried to. He tried so hard to remain friends (if you could even call it that), but then Spring Break happened—that night happened, and everything changed. She made him believe that he was better than his past, he was somehow someone completely different, someone worthy of all the love she had to give.

So, he did something selfish.

He gave in to what his heart desired.

He loved her. More than he loved himself. It was the only reason he could think of as to why he was able to let her walk away. He was doing this to help her, not hurt her. In the long run, he knew that she would be better off without him.

He was only weighing her down, holding her back, causing friction between her and the most important people in her life.

He unscrewed the cap of the bottle. He let her go, but she still resided in his heart. He needed to rip her out and to forget that she ever existed.

As he closed his eyes, every memory he had of her flashed through his mind as if he were watching a movie. He brought the bottle to his lips as he quickly chugged the bitter alcohol. He forced himself to continue to drink even as the taste of it nearly made him vomit on the spot.

He didn't stop until the entire contents of the bottle were coursing through his veins. He stood up, empty bottle in hand. He knew that he wouldn't be able to completely detach himself from her today, tomorrow, or even the next day, but he was determined to rid himself of her even if he had to shred his entire essence in order to do so. It was what was for the best for everyone concerned—maybe even what was best for himself.

He chucked the bottle toward the pond, which now seemed to taunt him with the tranquility he knew he would not be able to ever experience again. He was slipping back into who he was, he knew that, but he didn't care. Giving into his former self, showing everyone how they were right when they said he wasn't good enough for her was the only way he would ever survive this.

"Goodbye Riley," he murmured.

* * *

"So, they didn't punish you," Maya asked as she stroked Riley's hair. The brunette laid in the window, her head in Maya's lap.

"No," Riley said softly. "Not that I plan on going anywhere…at all…ever again."

"You know he didn't mean it."

"He did. You didn't see the look in his eyes, Maya. He meant every word. We're done." She looked down at her phone before she reached down to grab it off the floor. She hit the home screen button to check her notifications. "I texted him when we got back. He hasn't responded." She sat the phone back down on the ground. "What am I going to do? How am I going to be able to go school, see him, and not fall apart?"

"Even if you do, I'll be right here beside you."

Everything he told her earlier ran through her mind. "Do you think he's wrong for me, Maya? You know everything now. Do you think that our pasts are too much a part of us that a future together would be impossible?"

Maya thought about it for a long time. "I think that…you shouldn't ask me that. And you asking me that only proves his point about your own doubts about his past." Truthfully, Maya felt torn about this whole thing. Her first instinct was always to protect Riley, but she knew Lucas. She trusted him with her. Knowing that he had the potential to be that violent scared Maya, but at the same time, she knew that Lucas would never hurt Riley.

"It was a lot to take in," she defended. "I think anyone would have reacted in the same way."

Maya sighed. She knew Riley wouldn't want to hear this next part, but Maya felt that she had to say it. "Yes, but you both have been through so much. You're both so similar, but also so different. Maybe you do need some time apart from one another."

Riley sat up so she could face her best friend. "Tell me the truth, Maya. Have I changed? Am I that different?"

Maya reached for her hand. "You jumped a plane to Texas and you didn't tell anyone…not even me. That's not like the Riley I know." She took a deep breath. "But I don't know if it was because he rubbed off on you. I feel like maybe…maybe for the first time in your life, you were faced with losing someone you really, truly loved…and instead of letting it happen, you decided to fight for it."

Riley looked around her room. "Look where it got me."

"It'll all work out how it's supposed to, Riley. We have one month until school starts again. Maybe things will settle down between now and then. Maybe when he comes back, he'll be ready to talk." She knew it was a long shot based off of everything she was told, but she hated to see Riley so hopeless.

Riley tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Since when did you become such an optimist?"

Maya gave her a small smile. "I think it was when you became a pessimist. We balance each other out, right?"

"Right." She bit the inside of her cheek. "I'm sorry I ran off without telling you where I was going. I was afraid you'd talk me out of it."

"I know. And I would have."

Riley laid back down in Maya's lap. She was tired—mentally, emotionally, and physically. All she wanted to do was sleep. "One month until school starts."

Maya nodded. "Yep."

One month until she saw him again. One month until they were in the same time zone, same city, same high school with one another. Riley scrunched up her face as another tidal wave of tears stung the back of her eyes. "Maybe by then I won't have anything left to cry out."


	12. Chapter Eleven

_**A/N: I know some of you (maybe all of you) are questioning some moves I'm making in the story. Hopefully as the story goes on, it will begin to make sense. I do have the whole plot outlined, so I'm not just doing things to do them. Thank you all for the feedback and continuous support of this story. I appreciate every word you guys have sent my way.**_

* * *

Chapter Eleven

One Month Later…

Riley stared at her alarm clock as it flashed the time at her: _6:30am_. It was officially the first day of senior year, but she didn't feel like celebrating. All she wanted to do was stay exactly where she was. The last month felt exactly like a waking nightmare. He never called her, never texted her. Maya told her that he barely texted the guys, and never answered any questions about how he was doing. Riley had no idea what the day was going to bring her. She hadn't seen him since that awful day at the airport.

She spent the last month much how she currently was: in bed-unless she was forced out to do something. Maya drug her around to various art museums. Farkle took her to see the Statue of Liberty. Zay took her to Central Park to get some fresh air. Her parents took her to see half a dozen Broadway shows. They were all things that used to bring her so much joy, but now—now she felt numb to the world around her. The tears stopped after three days. Riley thought maybe she had gone through the worst of it, but then the numbness set in. After the whole ordeal with Charlie, she recognized the signs of the depression she found herself slipping back into, so after a week of numbness, she finally had her mother call Dr. Singer, her therapist.

She had seen Dr. Singer for the past two weeks, three days a week. Riley didn't cry once in her sessions, which worried her even more. It felt like she was slipping into a world she had never known: indifference. All she wanted to do was to feel something—anything. It felt like she had no energy, no spark within her. She knew that somewhere in the back of her mind she should be furious with her father and whatever he said to Lucas that completely obliterated their relationship, but she wasn't. Riley knew that it all came back to her decisions. She was the one who lied to Lucas. She was the one who ran away. She was the one who pulled back from him when he admitted what he did.

At the end of the day, Riley knew it was all her fault.

She reached for the pill bottle beside her alarm clock. She slowly sat up as she unscrewed the cap. She popped one of the pills in her mouth before she reached for the glass of water on her nightstand.

As soon as she swallowed, she heard Maya open the window.

"I'm surprised you're up," Maya smiled as she climbed in. The blonde figured that she would have to spend at least ten minutes trying to wake Riley. She hadn't done much else but sleep for the last few weeks. It worried her. Riley had gone from barely sleeping to sleeping all the time. She knew it was the medication for the most part, but it still took some getting used to.

"Couldn't sleep," Riley mumbled.

Maya closed the window. "But you're on medication for it."

Riley nodded. "Yeah. Didn't work last night." She sat the glass of water on the nightstand. "And I just took my happy pill, so no worries there."

"More like your zombie pill." Maya sighed as she sat on the edge of the bed. She hated to see her best friend like this. She was more than grateful that Riley was able to recognize the signs of the depression she was slipping into, but this somehow seemed worse. She was stoic—quite the opposite of the Riley Matthews she grew up with. "You ready to do this?"

Riley shook her head. "Not at all." She noticed Maya's smile waver slightly. Riley mustered up the most genuine smile she could manage. "But I'm glad you're next to me." She knew that Maya was worried. Everyone was worried about her. It was one reason Riley sought out her former therapist. She didn't want to have to deal with the guilt of having them worry about her on top of everything else. She was well aware of the fact that pretending to be happy wasn't the healthiest thing in the world, but she didn't want the others to suffer because of her mistakes. They all had tried to cheer her up over the summer. They all tried to distract her. Riley promised herself that once school started, she would be back to normal—even if it meant that she would agonize in silence. It wasn't just about her. It was about everyone. She wasn't going to drag them through her problems any more.

She climbed out of bed. "Ok. What should I wear?"

* * *

She couldn't help but scan the crowded subway for any trace of him. They had the same stop. He rode with the girls to school during the last month of their junior year. Riley figured she would have spotted him that morning, but he was nowhere to be seen.

Maya watched Riley subtly scan the area around them. She had no idea why Lucas wasn't on the subway with them. She knew that Zay got a text from him the previous night saying he was back in the city. She never got the entire story of what happened between Riley and Lucas in Texas, other than Riley lying to Lucas about her parents letting her go in the first place. Honestly, the details didn't matter. What happened between them was between them. All she cared about now was making sure that Riley was ok. She glanced around the subway once more. Nope. No sign of—"Crap," she groaned.

Riley's eyes darted to the blonde. "What?" Did she see him? Was he there?

Maya let out a long breath. "It's that guy. Remember last spring there was that guy who stared at us and I went to tell him off?"

"And you completely fell apart," Riley teased. "Yeah, I remember."

"He's back again." Maya looked over Riley's shoulder.

Riley spun her head. He was there. Again. Just like the dream she had last spring. Just like that day on the subway. She swallowed. What did it all mean? Was it all a coincidence or was it something more? "Maya?"

"Hmm?"

Riley turned back to the blonde. "What if I can't do it? What if I see him again and I…what if I fall apart?"

Maya put her arm around the brunette. "Then I'll be there to hold you up."

* * *

First class of the day. History. Of course, Riley wouldn't have the option of easing into whatever their relationship would be from now on. Oh, no. She would be forced to see him for the first time in a month in front of all of her friends and her father.

She took a deep breath as she slid into her seat, careful to ignore the bustle of everyone coming in behind her. She couldn't look up. She didn't want to. She wasn't ready for this moment. She didn't even look up when Farkle and Zay greeted her. She simply mumbled a reply.

Once the bell rang, she felt herself relax slightly from her position on the front row. She managed to not see him come in. She couldn't even feel his presence behind her. Her heart lurched at the realization. Maybe that connection had also been severed within the past month. Maybe it was a step toward moving on from all of it. A part of her wanted to turn around, to see him, but an even greater part of her refused to give in, out of sheer fear that she would immediately fall apart.

Her father scanned the attendance sheet. He looked around the room. "Zay, have you heard from Mr. Friar?"

"I know he got back last night," Zay answered. "I don't know why he isn't here."

Riley frowned as she spun around. In the back of the room was an empty desk. _His desk._ He wasn't there. She turned back around and looked up at her dad. He was back in town. Why wasn't he at school?

Cory let out a sigh as he placed the attendance sheet on his desk. "Well, good morning to everyone who made it today."

"Dad?"

Cory looked at his daughter as he walked toward the middle of the room. "What else am I supposed to do?"

Riley glanced at Maya who shook her head at Riley's silent question. She had no idea where Lucas was, but she had a bad feeling that it wasn't a good sign that he was missing on the first day of school.

Just as Riley turned back around to face her father, the door to the classroom opened. Her eyes immediately moved to the door, before she could stop herself. As their eyes connected, she realized that at that moment, she was grateful for the numbness that had claimed her for the past few weeks. She wasn't going to fall apart. She wasn't going to run out of the classroom. She wasn't going to make a scene. Her heart dropped, but the tears she knew she'd cry at the sight of him never came.

His eyes instantly landed on Riley as he walked into history class. In the last month, he had done everything he could think of in order to forget the perfect shade of brown that her eyes had, the way her mere presence seemed to light up the darkest of rooms, the way his heart couldn't help but to react every time he saw her. As he found himself entranced by her mocha orbs, those weeks of trying to forget her suddenly came back with a vengeance. He knew he was being pulled under her spell again.

He had to stop it.

"Mr. Friar," Cory acknowledged.

For once, Lucas was grateful for the interference of his history teacher. He tore his eyes from the brunette as he found himself thrust back into reality. He knew what he had to do. He wasn't about the stray from the plan. Fake it until you make it, right?

"Why are you late," Cory asked.

Lucas shrugged. It was easier not to care.

Riley furrowed her eyebrows at her ex-boyfriend's reaction. That didn't seem like him.

"We'll talk about it after class then. Take a seat."

"Looking forward to it, teach," he raised his hand to his forehead in a mock salute before he stalked to the back of the classroom.

Riley glanced at Maya, who turned to look at Zay as she sought out answers to Riley's unspoken questions. He shook his head at her. He had no idea what was going on, but he had a bad feeling about it.

* * *

Riley didn't wait for him after class. She needed space. They needed space from one another. Seeing him again only confirmed it. Sure, she wasn't able to feel much of anything, but the pit in her stomach told her that underneath the haze she was in laid a lot of unresolved feelings. So, she did what she needed to. She went to her next class and pretended that she was ok.

Until she saw him again.

She forgot that they signed up for theatre together. It was a class only offered to seniors as an elective. Riley had waited her entire high school career to take the class. Thankfully, Maya was in it as well since Ms. Thompson insisted she stay on as stage manager for both of the school's productions that year.

Riley had a buffer. She had someone to pull her back.

"Good afternoon," Ms. Thompson greeted as she wheeled a television into the classroom. "Before we begin, I wanted to announce the two plays we will be producing this year. The fall play will be Thornton Wilder's _Our Town_ and the spring play will be William Shakespeare's _Much Ado About Nothing_. Everyone in this class must participate in some form or another in both plays in order to pass the class. Since I know all of you have been active in past productions, I don't foresee that being an issue." She paused as she plugged the tv into the wall. Once she faced the class once more, she continued. "I typically start the first few days with watching the play we will perform first this year, so we will begin by watching _Our Town_. Afterward, we will do some workshops with key scenes, and also begin to get organized with play auditions. Once parts are assigned, we will all work on set design. Now, _Our Town_ does not require much in the way of sets, which is good because the set and costumes for _Much Ado_ will need a lot of attention. Ms. Hart has agreed to be my stage manager for both productions, so should questions arise and I'm not around, please direct them to her."

Lucas raised his hand.

Ms. Thompson smiled at him. "Lucas, you have a question?"

He leaned back in his seat. "Yeah, do we have to act? Can't we just paint some sets, get an A, and call it a day?"

Riley glanced at Maya. Now he didn't want to act? That couldn't be right. Riley knew that Lucas enjoyed acting. Was it because of her? He couldn't stand the thought of sharing the stage with her? For the second time that day, Riley felt a pit in her stomach.

"Well," Ms. Thompson drawled out, "I thought you enjoyed working on _Romeo and Juliet_ last fall. I thought that was why you took this class."

He smirked. "I'm in it for the A…whatever will make this year fly by."

She studied him for a long moment. "We'll see, Mr. Friar."

Another hand went up.

"Yes, Mr…."

"No mister," the cool voice replied. "Jordan. Just Jordan."

Riley and Maya turned toward the voice, both of their eyes widened. "You," they said simultaneously.

The guy—Jordan—smiled at them. "Well, my day just got a lot better."

"What are you doing here," Riley asked. It was very surreal. A guy she dreamt up actually appeared on the subway and now he was in her class? When would that ever happen? Riley bit the inside of her cheek. _'Oh. Yeah. That exact thing did happen before—and it turned out so well the first time.'_

"My parents moved to the village, so here I am."

Ms. Thompson looked between the three of them. "So, you three know each other?"

"Hardly," Maya replied wryly. She knew that Jordan was trouble. She didn't like him, and more importantly, she didn't trust him.

"I seem to remember you asking me out last spring," Jordan smirked.

Maya's mouth fell open. "W-W-What? I did not." She turned to Riley. "Tell everyone I didn't."

"Actually…"

Maya growled at her best friend before she turned to Jordan. "I only did that because you were being all creepy on the subway. You wouldn't stop staring at Riley."

"Oh, she has a name," he grinned. "Well, then…Riley…I'm Jordan."

Riley gave him a small smile before she glanced at Lucas. He seemed to have ignored the whole conversation as he was writing something down in his notebook. She slowly turned back around in her seat. Thank God this was the last class of the day. She had expected to fall apart no fewer than three times today. Luckily between her medication and own spiral into indifference, she hadn't lost it yet, but she didn't want to tempt fate. Lucas's unresponsiveness to her exchange with Jordan made her realize that he really didn't care anymore. That little insight was enough to make the back of her throat sting as she forced down the tears that threatened to fall.

And what about Jordan? He was suddenly in her life as something more than just that guy who challenged Maya on the subway that one time. She frowned as she thought about the nightmare she had before she first saw him. Did it mean something? Was he now in her world for a reason? It was a small class. There were only fifteen students. They would have to interact with one another. She wasn't sure what to make of him. In her nightmare, he turned into Charlie, but she couldn't judge him based off of that, could she?

And what about Lucas? They hadn't said so much as an awkward 'hello' to one another. He was in this class too. They would have to interact at some point. He didn't seem to care at all that Jordan seemed curious about her. Maybe he really was over everything that happened between them. Maybe he moved on. Maybe he didn't want to know her. She swallowed as she forced herself to pay attention to the television. She couldn't think about that right now.

Lucas sighed dramatically as he closed his notebook. He had to do something—anything—to keep himself in check. True, he wasn't quite the same person who left New York three months ago, but he hadn't slipped down so far yet as to punch some kid out for simply talking to Riley—a girl he broke up with weeks earlier. Still, the demons that held his attention for the last month instantly sent him a mental image of a hundred different ways he could annihilate the guy. She met him last spring? He glanced at the smug brunette who openly admired the back of Riley's head. All Lucas set out to do this year was to coast until graduation, then run off to Texas and forget all about New York. However, as he watched this Jordan guy stare at Riley, Lucas suspected that he wasn't going to be able to placate his demons by simply ignoring this guy's obvious attraction to her.


	13. Chapter Twelve

_**A/N: Thank you for the feedback on the last chapter. And thank you for the song recommendation, guest! Definitely fits the story and I added it into the playlist. Sorry this update took a little longer than normal. I've been struggling over the last few weeks with some fandom issues (several things tbh that have really shaken my already fragile confidence in my writing abilities), but I'm trying to push through it in order for this fic to be what I want it to be.**_

* * *

Chapter Twelve

 _EMILY: You're welcome. My, isn't the moonlight terrible? And choir practice going on. I think if you hold your breath you can hear the train all the way to Contoocook. Hear it?_

 _GEORGE: M-m-m What do you know!_

 _EMILY: Well, I guess I better go back and try to work._

 _GEORGE: Good night, Emily. And thanks,_

 _EMILY: Good night, George._

Riley closed the book as she turned to look at Ms. Thompson. "How was that?"

"Great, Riley," Ms. Thompson smiled. She looked over Riley's head to address Jordan. "Great work, Jordan. You two have an interesting dynamic. You play very well off of one another." She turned back to the class. "Ok, Maya? Lucas? Same scene."

"Wait. I thought I was excused from this," Maya nearly sputtered. Sure, she was in theatre class, but she didn't think she'd actually be forced to act anything out. She thought it would give her more time to organize the set design.

Ms. Thompson shook her head. "Not from workshops, Maya. Everyone must participate."

"Do we have to do this," Lucas groaned from the back of the class. He was tired of hearing the same scene over and over again. The last thing he wanted to do was to stand in front of the whole class and spout off George's dialogue with his ex-girlfriend's best friend.

"If you want to pass and graduate, then yes," she curtly replied. She usually held a soft spot for the Texan, had always given him the benefit of the doubt, but his attitude ever since the first day of school troubled her. He was constantly late to class and seemed completely disinterested in everything around him. Ms. Thompson felt that she had gotten to know Lucas during the play the prior fall. The guy who now constantly complained in the back of the classroom was not him at all.

He sighed as he stood up. He knew he couldn't fail the class. He needed to graduate in order to finally get away from them all. "Fine." He made his way toward the front of the room, breezing past Riley's desk along the way.

Riley leaned back in her seat as she crossed her arms over her chest. October. They had been back in school for over a month, and everything was just as it was on the first day. They hadn't spoken to one another, hadn't even acknowledged one another's presence. Truthfully, the coldness made it easier to deal with everything. Visiting colleges on the weekends occupied a lot of her free time, as did filling out her college applications. Her sessions with Dr. Singer also helped her maintain her sanity. She still hadn't broken down. The few times she felt that she might cry-that the dam she had carefully constructed might burst-she would dismiss by simply closing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths to quell the urge. The numbness that once scared her suddenly felt like the only safe place she knew.

At the same time, she couldn't help but be troubled by his actions. Though she felt like she was able to emotionally detach herself from everything that happened, she still deeply cared about him. He didn't talk to the guys that much anymore, never hung out with the group, and was frequently late to his classes. He didn't seem to respect anyone. He never answered questions unless they were directed at him. It bothered her. She knew she had no right to pry into his life, and knew that the consequences of doing so would be catastrophic at best, but as she watched him fumble through his lines with Maya, she couldn't help but worry.

"Ok, I'm going to stop you two right here," Ms. Thompson interrupted. It was pure torture watching Lucas and Maya blunder their way through the scene. "Riley, come here."

Riley shook herself from her reverie as her confused eyes landed on Ms. Thompson. "What?"

"Come," she gently commanded.

Riley frowned as she grabbed her book and walked to the front of the classroom.

"Let's try a different scene. Act Two. Page 61. Maya, come stand by me. Riley, read Emily. Lucas, read George."

Riley ran a hand through her hair. She knew the play backwards and forwards. It was her father's favorite. The book in her hand only served as something she could look at while she delivered her lines. She couldn't look at Lucas—not with the whole class staring back at them. She cleared her throat.

 _EMILY: I can't, Louise. I've got to go home. Good-by. Oh, Ernestine! Ernestine! Can you come over tonight and do Latin? Isn't that Cicero the worst thing-! Tell your mother you have to. G*by. G*by, Helen. G*by, Fred._

Lucas sighed. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to be here, especially with her. Even reciting lines with her in a classroom setting was too much for him. She was physically closer to him than she had been since everything fell apart. He had managed to avoid her fairly well for the last month. They hadn't spoken to one another at all. He knew it would always come down to this: their first words to one another in two months would be in front of a crowd and it wouldn't even be their own words. He kept his focus on the book in front of him, although he already knew the dialogue by heart. His grandmother took him every year to see the local production of _Our Town_ when he lived in Texas _._

 _GEORGE: Can I carry your books home for you, Emily?_

 _EMILY: Why ... uh ... Thank you. It isn't far._

"You aren't even trying," Ms. Thompson told the pair. "I directed you both in _'Romeo and Juliet'_. I know when you're trying and when you aren't." She crossed her arms over her chest. "We have almost half an hour until class is over. I can spend it trying to get you two to open up, or you can let go and move on."

Riley looked up at her teacher. She always loved Ms. Thompson, but really? Was she aware of everything that happened to them this summer? Riley turned back to Lucas. She closed the book and crossed her arms over her chest. Her eyes fell to the ground. She didn't want to have an impromptu therapy session in front of her classmates.

Lucas tossed his book on Ms. Thompson's desk before he faced Riley. He slid his hands in the front pocket of his jeans as his eyes also became preoccupied with the ground. He needed to get this over with. The proximity to her was beginning to overwhelm him.

 _GEORGE: Excuse me a minute, Emily. Say, Bob, if I'm a little late, start practice anyway. And give Herb some long high ones._

 _EMILY: Good-by, Lizzy._

 _GEORGE: Good-by, Lizzy. I'm awfully glad you were elected, too, Emily._

 _EMILY: Thank you._

"No," Mrs. Thompson interrupted once more. "Ditching the material was a good step, but you two have to look at one another…and what's with that body language? Look, it doesn't matter what personal issues you two clearly have with one another. In here…right now…you aren't Riley and Lucas. You are Emily and George. Act like it."

Riley closed her eyes. She knew her teacher was right. In this classroom, at this moment, she wasn't Riley. She was Emily Webb, and he was George Gibbs. She took a deep breath as she opened her eyes and looked up at him.

Lucas's lips formed a thin line. He thought about walking out of the class. He shouldn't have to put up with this—with having to be this close to her. It was complete torture. Couldn't anyone else understand that? He was doing everything to live up to the expectation that everyone in her world had of him—including her. He avoided her. He became the person they all really saw him as. He gave into their demands of him. So, why couldn't they all just leave him alone?

He slid his hands out of his pockets. Acting. He had done a pretty good job of it for the last two months. Hiding from her—pretending it didn't gut him every time he laid eyes on her. All of his old habits were easy to fall back into: skipping class, avoiding his friends, disrespecting everyone around him, drinking—but letting go of her felt impossible. He knew it would be hard, and it was something he would have to eventually do, but he couldn't bring himself to take that last step yet.

He subconsciously held his breath as he lifted his eyes to hers. He had been careful to avoid eye contact with her in the last month, but here they were—in front of the whole class. She was close—so close.

Riley swallowed as the intensity of his gaze nearly made her stumble backward. Two months without looking into his eyes. Two months without speaking to him. Theatre brought them together the first time. It only made sense that it was also the force that made them face once another again. "It's…it's your line," she said softly.

He blinked several times to snap himself back into reality without breaking eye contact with her. It took everything in him to look at her. Now that his eyes were locked on hers, he couldn't look away. He took a deep breath.

 _GEORGE: Emily, why are you mad at me?_

 _EMILY: I'm not mad at you._

Emily may not have been mad at George, but Riley was mad at Lucas. She hated that he still made her feel this way. She hated that she had to see a therapist and take medication because of what happened between them. She hated that she completely lost herself within 24 hours of finally feeling like she had found peace when she first came to him in Texas. She hated that he hadn't talked to her. She hated the nagging feeling she had that he was slipping back into who he was and she was somehow to blame for all of it.

 _GEORGE: You've been treating me so funny lately._

 _EMILY: Well, since you ask me, I might as well say it right out, George-Good-by, Miss Corcoran._

 _GEORGE: Good-by, Miss Corcoran. Wha what_ _is it?_

Riley searched his eyes as, against her better judgment, she took a step closer to him. She felt as if Emily was speaking through her. She had no idea when or if she would ever have the chance to tell him everything she wanted to. The heaviness of the air that surrounded them weighed down on her. She needed him to know that she saw what he was doing.

He held his breath as she neared him. They hadn't been this close since they kissed in the rain in Texas. Her gaze completely drew him in, as it always had. For the first time in two months, he felt something akin to peace. The demons that raged within him were silent for the first time in months as he waited for her next move.

 _EMILY: I don't like the whole change that's come over you in the last year. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I've got to tell the truth and shame the devil._

Another crash back to reality. Her words, though they were technically Thornton Wilder's words, hit him. Riley was a great actress, but he knew that she meant the words she uttered. She was always able to read him, and at one point, he loved that about her, but now it was dangerous. She was dangerous. She was everything he couldn't have because he was who he was.

He forced himself to look away as he took a step back from her. "Are we good," he asked Ms. Thompson.

Ms. Thompson blinked several times as she tried to find her voice. "Y-Yes. That's…great. Thank you both." She watched as the now awkward pair went back to their desks. "Well…that was exactly what I was looking for…some emotion, range. Thank you Riley and Lucas. It was…perfect."

* * *

As soon as the bell rang, most of the students fled the room, anxious to begin their weekend. Riley ran a hand through her hair as she slowly stood up. She glanced at her best friend who had already pinned her with a knowing look. "Don't start," she softly commanded.

"Riley?" Jordan cleared his throat as he slung his backpack over his arm.

"Hey Jordan," she answered as she turned to face him. They had slowly gotten to know one another over the first few weeks of school. He had a few classes with Zay and Farkle and found himself slowly becoming a member of their group.

He lifted the corner of his lips into a smile. When he first met Riley and Maya, he found himself equally attracted to both girls for very different reasons. As he got to know them over the last month, he definitely felt a stronger attraction to the brunette. Of course, the fact that Maya and Farkle were dating also tilted the scale into Riley's favor, but even if Maya were available, Jordan wouldn't pursue her. There was something special, rare, about Riley Matthews, and he had to figure out what it was. "Would you mind running lines with me before the auditions next week?"

Her eyes drifted to the back of the classroom as she watched Lucas pack up his stuff. She knew that he wasn't in a rush to leave the classroom as Ms. Thompson asked to speak to him after class. She swallowed before she turned back to Jordan. "Yeah. Sure. When are you free this weekend?"

"Tomorrow afternoon sound good?"

She nodded. "My place? The bakery gets crowded on Saturdays and the library is…the library."

His smile grew. Whenever he hung out with her, it was always in a group setting. This would be the first chance he would have to spend any amount of time with her alone. "Yeah. Sounds good. 3:00?"

She grabbed her books. "Perfect." She bit the inside of her cheek as she watched him walk out of the classroom. It was just one friend helping another, nothing more. She looked back at Maya who was in discussion with Ms. Thompson about something. Riley's eyes roamed around the room as she tried to patiently wait for her best friend without looking at her ex-boyfriend to see if he overheard the conversation she had with Jordan.

It only took about thirty seconds for her to finally break. She couldn't not talk to him. It wasn't who she was. It wasn't who they were. Still, the chasm between them made her hesitate. Against her better judgment, she took a few steps toward him. "So," she finally uttered.

He felt his shoulders tense as she spoke. He didn't want to hear her conversation with the new guy, but he couldn't help it. There were only five people in the classroom and Maya and Ms. Thompson were too far away to drown out Riley's conversation. "So," he echoed. He didn't want to talk to her. He didn't want her to step closer to him. He wanted to bolt from the room. He wanted to go back to Texas. Being around her, watching her from afar was pure torture.

They fell silent. Both had a thousand things to say to the other, both afraid to voice any of them. Riley was the first to speak. "You know, it doesn't have to be this way."

He dared himself to look at her, to punish himself for even breathing the same air as her. He was jealous. He knew he had no right to be. He was the one who ended it. He was the one who willingly engaged in a war with himself 24/7 to stay away from her, to avoid her at all costs. Logically, he knew that she would eventually move on, but the reality of it hurt worse than he ever imagined. He could never let her know that.

He leaned against the back of his desk as he eyed her from head to toe. "From where I'm standing, you seem to be doing just fine." He surprised himself with the nonchalant tone that emerged from within him.

She could've lied. She could have easily told him that he was right. She was doing fine—better than fine—but she needed him to know that it wasn't true. For some strange reason, she wanted him to know exactly what hell she had been through the last two months, but she knew that now wasn't the time for it. "Well, looks can be deceiving." She eyed him just as he did to her before she tilted her head to the side. "Am I right?"

Before he could respond, Maya interrupted them. "Riles?"

Riley turned her head to the blonde.

"You ready to go?"

Riley turned back to where Lucas had stood not thirty seconds earlier. He had already made his way to the front of the classroom to speak with Ms. Thompson. "Yeah," she said softly. "I'm ready."


	14. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen

Lucas stared at the box that sat by his bedroom door as he took another sip of whiskey. He finally packed it all up. They had only dated for a few months, but after knowing her for nearly a year, he had acquired a lot of mementos that reminded him of her. Some of the stuff was hers, some of it she had given to him, and the rest were things of his that simply reminded him of her—namely the Round Up Rodeo sweatshirt he let her borrow one day last March when she got cold studying at his place. She accidentally wore it home where she kept it for a week before giving it back. As Lucas stared at the sweatshirt, he couldn't resist picking it up and inhaling it. The honey scent that had lingered on it for months had now faded. He could barely smell her anywhere on the unwashed garment. He let out a long breath as he placed the sweatshirt back in the box.

He knew the timing of dropping it off would seem suspicious, but he didn't care. The thought of her with Jordan had occupied his mind ever since he heard their conversation in class. He didn't sleep, which wasn't that big of a surprise. Unless he drank enough to pass out, sleep continued to evade him. If he was lucky, he got maybe three or four hours a night. Last night, he got zero—even with tearing through half a bottle of Jack Daniel's. He had to know what was going on between her and that Jordan guy, and he had to give her this stuff back. Maybe if he saw her with someone else, he would finally be able to put them where they belonged-in the past. Two birds, one stone.

He took one more sip before he hid the bottle back in the middle drawer of his desk. He only needed enough to numb himself to the situation. He hadn't been to the Matthews' apartment since the morning her father threw him out. He knew getting drunk and going over to her apartment wouldn't be the best idea, especially if her father was around. The amount of anger and resentment he felt toward his former favorite teacher was practically palpable whenever he drank—whenever he thought about everything that went wrong.

He felt like he was in the right frame of mind in order to behave as best he could if Mr. Matthews was around, but not sober enough to care that Riley was with another guy. He needed to start taking the steps necessary in order to move on, to forget about her. Removing any trace of her from his room was the first step. He checked the time on his phone. It was nearly four in the afternoon.

* * *

 _EMILY: You're welcome. My, isn't the moonlight terrible? And choir practice going on. I think if you hold your breath you can hear the train all the way to Contoocook. Hear it?_

 _GEORGE: M-m-m What do you know!_

 _EMILY: Well, I guess I better go back and try to work._

 _GEORGE: Good night, Emily. And thanks._

 _EMILY: Good night, George._

"That was good," Riley smiled as they finished the scene. She had been running lines with Jordan for nearly an hour, and he hadn't stumbled once. "I don't think you needed any help with lines."

"I've never read _Our Town_ before," he said as he dodged her comment. He looked down at the book in his hand. "Seemed pretty simple until the third act."

She let out a long breath. "Yeah. It's my dad's favorite play. He took me to a few productions of it when I was younger. I know it pretty well."

He placed the book on the coffee table before he sat down on the couch. "What about you? What's your favorite play?"

Riley's mind flashed back to the school's performance of _'Romeo and Juliet'_ last fall. She slowly sat down on the couch next to Jordan as she let out a light chuckle. A thousand memories of the play and everything that went so wrong—and _so right_ —continued to run through her mind. Lucas. The costume closet. Charlie. The realization that her relationship with him wasn't normal and wasn't healthy. She shook her head to bring herself back to the present. All of that seemed like another lifetime ago. "I honestly don't know. You?"

"We did _'Arsenic and Old Lace'_ at my old school last year. There was so much going on, but it was such an entertaining play."

"I never took you for the type to enjoy theatre…let alone participate in it." Riley had him pegged as nothing more than a flirt—a troublemaker. Jordan had really surprised her over the last few weeks. He seemed eager to contribute to the school play. He got along with all of her friends. They had a lot in common.

She heard the intercom buzz followed by an all too familiar voice announce "It's Lucas." Riley couldn't mask the surprise on her face when she heard his voice. Was she dreaming? Was he really here? At her house?

"Lucas," Jordan questioned. "Theatre class, Lucas? The guy who doesn't say anything?"

"Apparently," Riley said wryly before she stood up and walked to the intercom. "Um…yeah, come on up," she said as she buzzed him in. She turned to Jordan. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry," he asked as he stood up. "I mean…I've picked up on a few things here and there. I…I figured there was some history between you two."

' _That's one way to put it.'_ "Yeah. There's a lot there, and…I'm not exactly sure what's going on right now." She felt her heart stop for a second as she heard a knock on the door. She quickly whispered a silent prayer that her father wouldn't come into the living room while Lucas was there. She wasn't sure where her father stood on the subject of her ex boyfriend anymore, and since she had barely said two words to Lucas since she left Texas, she had no idea how he currently felt about her father. Being in class with both of them was awkward enough, but outside of school, she knew all bets were off.

She took a deep breath as she opened the door. She said nothing to him at first as she took in his appearance. To anyone who didn't know him, he looked fine, but Riley wasn't so quick to accept it. She could tell that he hadn't slept well. It had been a problem for him for as long as she knew him, but the bags under his eyes told her a lot more than he would ever divulge. "Hey."

"Hi," he murmured. He had been so sure of his mission up until that point. As soon as she opened the door, as soon as his eyes landed on her heavenly form, he knew he had made a mistake. Keeping his distance from her at school was one thing, but they weren't at school now. Fourteen other people weren't staring at them, waiting to catch a glimpse of their show. He tried to think of something—anything—other than the brunette who had slightly tilted her head to the side as she looked at him. He felt as if she could see right through him.

"Hey," she weakly replied. _'Damn it!'_ Riley mentally smacked herself. She tore her eyes away from his as she noticed the cardboard box in his arms. She didn't have to ask about it. She knew what it was. It didn't make the moment any easier. "What are you…What's up?"

"Mind if I come in?" _'Mind if I come in,'_ he inwardly screamed at himself. He knew he should simply hand her the box and leave. He took a step forward to do just that when he noticed movement inside the apartment. His eyes landed on Jordan. The whole reason he wanted to do this now was so that he could see them together, see that she had moved on, so he could finally rid himself of her. As he looked at the brunette guy who seemed more than a little put off by the interruption, the reasonable side of Lucas was swiftly pushed aside as his demons roared at him to crash their date.

"Y-Yeah. Sure," she took a few steps back to let her ex-boyfriend into the apartment. After Riley closed the door, she walked toward the two guys who seemed to be sizing one another up. She looked between them. "Jordan, you know Lucas from theatre class, right?"

Jordan nodded. "Yeah, the guy who shows up late every day." He couldn't help the annoyance in his tone. He didn't know the situation or history between them, but he sensed how uncomfortable Riley was, and that was more than enough reason for him to be irritated.

Lucas smirked as he sat the box down on the couch. "You're not wrong." He looked between them. "Oh, am I interrupting?"

"No. We were just finishing up." She turned to Jordan. "See you on Monday?"

Jordan paused. He didn't want to leave her alone with the guy. The guy seemed more than a little unhinged. "I could stay."

Lucas scoffed. "Oh, you think I'm going to do something to her?"

He narrowed his eyes at the Texan. Sure, Lucas probably had about thirty pounds of muscle on him, but Jordan didn't care. He wasn't about to leave Riley alone with someone she didn't want to be alone with. "I don't know. I don't know you, but I know what I've seen in class…the way you treat people."

Riley rubbed the back of her neck. The last thing she needed was to try to break up a fistfight between the two guys in her living room—or worse, have her dad break it up. "Jordan, it's fine."

He looked at Riley for a long moment as he tried to detect any sign of fear from her. He glanced at the Texan before he focused on the brunette once more. "Ok. Will you text me later?"

She nodded.

Lucas waited until Jordan left the apartment before he said another word. He didn't like the guy. Sure, he could respect the fact that he wanted to protect her, but did Jordan really think that he would ever hurt her? Lucas wanted Riley to be happy, but he knew that she wouldn't be with that guy. It would be just like Charlie all over again. She wouldn't really love him. She would be settling. She didn't deserve that. She deserved so much more.

"I didn't mean to ruin your date," he said as he watched her stare at the closed front door. Was it possible that she liked him? Had he read her wrong? He felt a rumble stir from within him. He had been fighting that all too familiar feeling for the last month, but now had finally felt himself give into it. He was completely and utterly jealous of Jordan.

Riley slowly turned to face him. It was the first time they had been alone with one another since they broke up. She had no idea what was about to happen between them. She began to fear that the numbness she had sought refuge in would disappear. She placed her hands on her hips. "You knew he was coming over here. You knew he was here. You know what you're doing."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he feigned ignorance. He should have known that she would have picked up on his intentions immediately. He was always able to fool everyone else in the world, but somehow, she always saw right through him. "I was in the neighborhood—"

"With a cardboard box?" She raised her eyebrows.

He bit the corner of his bottom lip as he furrowed his eyebrows. Some things would never change. She would always challenge him. It was what scared him the most now. He needed to get out there as soon as possible. He wasn't sure how long his reserve would last. "It's your stuff. I packed it up a few weeks ago, but didn't know how to get it to you."

"So, you decided to pop by when you knew I had company?" She wasn't sure what had overcome her. She thought for sure after Jordan left that she would fall apart, beg him to take her back, plead with him to figure everything out together, but for some reason, she felt strong.

Did she still want to be with him? Do the tides need the moon in order to move? She wanted nothing more in that moment than to simply melt into him once again, but she wasn't naïve. She knew that wasn't going to happen, not that easily, and possibly not ever again. She felt a familiar burn in the bridge of her nose as she felt the numbness slowly fade away.

He slid his hands into his back pockets. "So, it was a date."

Riley sighed as she crossed her arms over her chest. "You can't ask me that anymore."

He nodded as he mentally chastised himself. He had no right to pry. She was right. He needed to leave. The urge to get closer to her, to beg her to take him back, to reclaim her as his, was beginning to take over him completely. He had to remain strong. He had to keep her shut out. "You're right. And yeah…I don't even care to know." He breezed past her on the way to the door. "You can just burn whatever you have of mine. I don't want it back."

The tears began to form in her eyes as he walked past her. She couldn't let him go. Not like that. "Lucas," her voice cracked as she turned to his retreating frame.

The desperate tone in her voice as she called out his name made him stop dead in his tracks. He was frozen. He wanted to leave. He needed to leave. It was so much easier to be angry. It was so much easier to constantly remind himself of how unworthy he was of her. Instead of storming out, instead of doing what he knew he should do, he turned to face her.

"I…know what you're doing," she said slowly as she inched closer to him. She felt the moisture continue to form in the corners of her eyes. She wasn't going to give into the tears. Not now. Making sure he knew that she was onto him was what was important. "And…it's not going to work."

He narrowed his eyes at her as she boldly stood in front of him. Her proximity sent off a million warning signals in his mind, but he ignored them all as their eyes met. "Really? And what exactly am I doing?"

She wasn't going to back down under the intensity of his gaze. "You're giving up. You're trying to reassure yourself that what you did in Texas was the right thing. You're trying to prove that you haven't changed…that you're the same guy you were before you moved here."

He knew she could sense the cracks around the very shaky foundation of anger he had spent the last few months trying to form. "I am the same guy."

"No," she told him as her eyes bore into his. Did he think he could fool her? Did he really think that she would buy the whole _'I don't care'_ air that he put off with everyone around them? He may have been able to fool everyone else, but not her. Him showing up during her study session with Jordan proved what she had suspected. He still cared. "You aren't. You can put up as many walls as you want to. You can bring me the entire contents of your bedroom if that's what you want to do, but it's not going stop me from fighting for us." She took a shaky breath as she placed her hands on either side of his face. Tears continued to swim in her eyes. Were they going to eventually fall? She had no idea, and she didn't care. At that moment, her sole focus was on him. He needed to know how she felt. "I still love you."

As soon as her hands touched his face, his resolve weakened. For a moment, he forgot who he was, who she was. He forgot about their past. He forgot why they broke up. He forgot about everyone else around them who disapproved of him. As he stared into her warm, loving eyes, he found himself completely hypnotized. He leaned in closer to her, enraptured by her very essence. He had to be close to her. He needed to be close to her.

Riley's breath hitched in her throat as she found herself leaning closer to him. God, she needed this. Just one touch, one kiss, and everything would be back to normal. Their world would make sense once again. Her eyes fluttered closed as their lips lightly brushed against one another.

"Riley! Who was at the door?"

Riley practically jumped away from Lucas as she heard her father's heavy footsteps edge closer and closer to the living room. Unfortunately, she didn't have time to process the moment that had just occurred between them as she watched her father stroll into the living room.

"Lucas," he questioned. "What are you doing here?"

Whatever spell she pulled him under with-whatever fleeting thought he had that maybe, somehow, it could all work out-went out the window faster than the speed in which she sprung away from him. Her reaction to the notion of her father catching them together quickly reassured him that everything he was doing to keep her away was the right decision. She was still scared to be with him. As he studied the stern face of her father, he realized that she would still have to choose between her family and him. She shouldn't have to make that choice. She wasn't going to make that choice.

He had to make it for her.

"Giving Riley her stuff back," Lucas answered without a hint of emotion behind his words. He glanced at the brunette briefly before he looked back at his history teacher. "And I did, so I'm leaving."

Riley watched helplessly as Lucas abruptly left the apartment. She didn't want him to go. She wanted him to stay and talk to her about what had just transpired between them, but she couldn't find the words to say anything. As soon as he closed the door, she turned to her father.

"Are you ok," he asked. He hadn't caught a word of their conversation, and hadn't intended to interrupt them at all. He didn't even know Lucas was at the apartment.

She nodded. "Yep." Whatever tears had formed in her eyes, whatever break down she thought she might have had, disappeared as she felt the numbness sweep back over her.

"Riley, you know you can talk to me about this, right?"

"There is nothing to talk about," she said as she walked toward the coffee table. She picked up the book that Jordan left. "I need to go practice some more. Is it ok if Maya comes over for dinner?"

"Absolutely."

"Thanks," she mumbled as she quickly retreated to her room. She couldn't talk to her father about what had just happened. He was part of the reason for this whole situation. She needed to talk to someone who might understand: her best friend.

When Cory heard his daughter close her bedroom door, he walked toward the box that sat on top of the coffee table. Curiosity got the better of him as he slowly opened the flaps. On top of various items of clothing, letters, and other mementos was a framed picture of Riley and Lucas. It had to have been taken at the Statue of Liberty because both of them wore the typical green tourist Liberty crown on their heads. Cory was taken aback at how happy both of them looked. Whoever took the picture, (Cory figured it must have been Farkle) captured a beautifully candid shot of them laughing as they looked at one another. When was the last time he saw his daughter laugh—smile even?

He slowly sank to the couch as he stared at the picture. He had been so angry over everything that happened over the spring. Riley's escape to Texas had only confirmed his fears that he had somehow lost his daughter.

He looked up at the ceiling as he thought back to how they both acted when he interrupted their conversation. Both of them seemed so lost and confused now. Lucas was constantly skipping his classes, getting into trouble, and doing everything in his power to avoid eye contact with anyone. Riley seemed like a walking zombie. She was so far removed from who she used to be, from who she really was.

Cory looked down at the picture again as the realization hit him: he screwed up.


	15. Chapter Fourteen

_**A/N: Hang on...I promise it gets better. Hopefully. Yeesh.**_

 _ **Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to one of the sweetest people in the fandom, Andii!**_

* * *

Chapter Fourteen

Riley glanced at her phone for the fifth time as she paced around her room. She knew he wouldn't call, wouldn't text, but she couldn't help but hope that maybe, perhaps he would. They kissed—sort of. Would you consider that a kiss? His lips brushed against hers. There was contact, no matter how light.

She stopped pacing as she lightly touched her lips. It was as if she could still feel his mouth on hers. She closed her eyes as she tried to relive that moment. She didn't realize how much she had missed the effect he had on her. Of course, she had done nothing but miss him over the last two months, but when she closed her eyes and leaned into him—giving into the moment that surrounded them-she realized that she also missed every little detail. She missed the adrenaline rush that would hit her in anticipation of his kiss. She missed the way her heart seemed to stop beating in the second before their lips touched. She missed the goose bumps that would always pop up on her arms when his lips met hers. She missed the warmth that she always felt when she was around him.

It was at that moment in her reverie that she realized that something wasn't right. She didn't think anything of it at the time, because she wasn't thinking about much of anything, but now that she had a chance to analyze every second of that moment, she remembered something else about Lucas. Something was different this time. And it wasn't because they weren't together.

She slowly opened her eyes. Alcohol. His breath smelled like alcohol. She groaned as she dropped her hand and resumed pacing. Of course he had been drinking. He would never kiss her sober.

"Riley," Maya began as she climbed into the bay window, "We really need to talk. I—"

Riley spun toward her best friend. "Lucas and I kissed."

Maya's eyes widened as she stood up. "What?!"

"Sort of," she quickly amended. "Maybe." She threw her hands up in the air. "I don't know what it was. We were about to. Our lips touched."

Maya shook her head as she sat down. "I'm confused. Start from the beginning. I thought you were hanging out with Jordan today?"

Jordan. She had completely forgotten about Jordan. Was that only an hour ago? "We were just running lines for the audition next week. Then…Lucas showed up."

"Ooh," Maya cooed as her eyes danced with glee. "Jealous, was he?"

Riley ran a hand through her hair as she paced. "I don't know to be honest. Maybe? He brought over a box of my stuff."

Maya smirked. It was a sure sign that the Texan was jealous. The timing of it all was highly suspicious. He had been back in the city for over a month now, and he decided to drop by at the exact time that Riley had another guy over? "And he picked the time Jordan just so happened to be over here?"

She stopped pacing as she pondered the whole situation. Riley had all but convinced herself that Lucas hadn't known that Jordan was around, but Maya had a point. "Yeah. I think he knew about it too, because there is no way he didn't overhear Jordan and I talking about it after class yesterday." She shook her head. What did he have to be jealous about? Couldn't he see that she and Jordan were just friends? "Anyway, he and Jordan got into it a little bit. I asked Jordan to leave because the last thing I need is for my dad to have to break up a Lucas fight in the living room." Mentally exhausted from deconstructing the last hour, Riley finally sat down at the bay window. "I asked him why he came over, because…it's a little suspicious, right?"

Maya nodded. "It was calculating."

"He got mad and went to leave, but I stopped him. I walked up to him, told him that he wasn't fooling me with the whole _'I'm a bad guy'_ act. Then I grabbed his face like this," she took Maya's face in between her hands, "And I told him that I love him. The next thing I know, I'm feeling his lips brush up against mine."

Maya was completely enthralled by her story, even as Riley still held her face in her hands. "So what happened next?"

Riley let go of Maya's face as she looked down at the ground. "My dad came into the room. I jumped back from Lucas, because I didn't want to get into everything with my dad, because I don't even know how we ended up like that. Lucas stormed out almost immediately."

"Woah."

"Yeah." She sighed. "There's something…I haven't told you. I haven't told anyone." She debated on telling Maya for nearly two months, but she hadn't because she never felt the need to. The last thing she wanted was to give any of her friends any more reasons to not like Lucas anymore.

Maya frowned. "What is it?"

Riley couldn't look at her. The only way she was going to confess everything to her was to stare at the ground. "When I went to Texas…before Lucas found out that I lied to him about dad being ok with us…something…happened."

"Riley, what are you talking about? What could have possibly," she searched her best friend's sheepish face before the realization dawned on her. "Oh. Woah." How had she not seen it before? Riley had definitely changed when she got back, but Maya assumed it was because of the break up.

Riley nodded. "Yeah," she softly confirmed.

"Oooook," Maya drawled out, "Things are starting to make a little more sense now. So, you two…you know…and then your dad called him."

"Yeah. I'm such an idiot." She finally dared herself to look at her best friend. Now that she knew everything, she could finally ask her the same questions she had been beating herself up over for the last two months. "Why did I lie to him? Why did I tell him everything was ok when it wasn't?"

"Because you know him. You know that he would have sent you back, maybe pushed you away even further than before. You were only thinking about the moment and not the repercussions of everything."

"Where were you when all of this happened?" Riley should have called Maya before she left. She should have talked herself out of the whole scheme. Who knows what would have happened if she had? Maybe she and Lucas would still be together? Maybe she would be happy? Maybe she would be more focused on enjoying her senior year as opposed to being focused on simply surviving each day?

"No offense, but I'm glad I wasn't there for all of that," Maya weakly joked.

Riley bit the inside of her cheek. "Honestly, Maya? It was the best moment of my life…but when I woke up the next morning, it was like I had fallen right into a nightmare. Absolutely the worst day of my life."

"No wonder you're back in therapy."

"Funny."

Maya reached for her hand. "I'm serious. I know how much you loved him. I know how much he loved you. It's just that all of this crap got in the way of it. So many misunderstandings and bad moves." Their entire world was changing so quickly. What Maya wouldn't give to go back to last spring.

"I still love him, Maya."

Maya gave her sad smile. "I know you do."

Riley squeezed the blonde's hand. "Do you think that…maybe he…still loves me?"

"He's been so hard to ready lately." As much as Maya wanted to give her a simple 'yes', she knew that Riley needed to hear the truth. No matter how much it might hurt. "And he has changed, Riles. Maybe he isn't the bad boy he's pretending to be, but he hasn't talked to Farkle or Zay…he's completely disrespectful to everyone…he's not the same guy you knew."

"I think he is…deep down. I feel like…he's just trying to push me away…like he's trying to live up to this perception that he thinks everyone has of him now." She saw a flash of the Lucas she knew earlier. Right before he closed his eyes, right before they got interrupted. She knew that he was still there, somewhere. He was just buried under a lot of anger and resentment—both of which Riley knew she was the cause for.

"It doesn't change what happened, Riley. He used to be violent. And you're a survivor of—"

"I know." She didn't want to hear all of that right now. She thought Maya would understand that was his past, not his present, not his future. "I know him. He's not like that anymore. He wouldn't hurt me…ever."

"Hasn't he already?" When Riley looked back at her in horror, Maya cringed. "I'm not saying I don't want you two to get back together. You know that all I want is to see you happy. I'm just trying to get you to see everything. See him for who he is…that includes his past mistakes. I think the old Lucas learned from that experience, but this Lucas? I'm not so sure."

"I wish he would talk to me. I wish…I wish I knew what to do to fix this."

"I know. Me too." Maya sighed as her eyes drifted to the ground. "Don't you wish we were kids again? I remember sitting here when we were ten years old, dreaming about being seniors, having boyfriends, planning our futures. Can we go back to that and just go out to play instead?"

Riley frowned as she noticed the change in the blonde's demeanor. "What's wrong, Maya?"

"It's Farkle," she said distantly as her mind took her back to the conversation she had right before she came over to Riley's.

"What about him?" When Maya didn't answer, Riley squeezed her hand.

She let out a long breath. "I don't think you're the only single person sitting in the bay window right now."

"What happened?" Riley tried to hide the surprise in her tone. She knew that the last thing Maya needed was a million questions she might not know the answers to, but still, Riley knew that she needed to talk about whatever was going on.

Maya pulled her hand away from Riley as she crossed her arms over her chest. "We were at MOMA earlier today and he…well…he's so…stupid."

"Maya…"

Maya chewed on her lip. Riley was going to find out one way or another. After her confession about her night with Lucas, Maya knew she owed it to Riley to be completely honest with her. "He told me that he loved me, ok?"

Riley's eyes widened. "Farkle told you he loved you and you let me talk about Lucas for the last half hour?" She narrowed her eyes. "Why? What did you say to him?"

"I didn't say anything," Maya stood up from the window as she began to pace. "I mean. Love. What is that anyway? I mean…I've seen it before. Your parents have been my second family for most of my life and I see how your dad looks at your mom everyday and for as long as I can remember, that's what I've wanted. And then…I saw it with you and Lucas. But things fall apart. After you put yourself out there, and you give your heart to someone, it's like you're always sitting around…waiting for them to break it. I've heard the stories. Your parents broke up how many times? And now you and Lucas are in this huge mess, and…I don't want anything to change between Farkle and me."

Riley watched as Maya paced around her bedroom. She had never seen her act like this before. Riley was used to Maya acting so practical, so calm. She sensed that the blonde was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. "You can't compare everyone's experiences, Maya. You know that. You taught me that."

"I don't know," she threw her hands up. "With Josh…I knew how I felt. He was my first crush. I liked him so much. But with Farkle…he's been my friend for as long as I've been friends with you. It's always been the three of us. If things end badly," she stopped to look at Riley, "I don't want to lose him. I can't lose him, Riley. So, maybe it's for the best if we take a step back from each other for awhile…figure this whole thing out."

Riley knew it wouldn't be that easy. A few weeks-even a few months apart-wouldn't solve anything. It would just come up again and again. Why was Maya running from this? "You've been dating for months now. You didn't think this was going to eventually happen?"

Maya stopped pacing as she stared at the brunette. "Yes." She shook her head. "No." She paused before she resumed her trek around Riley's room. "I don't know. I never thought about it. We're all filling out these college applications now, and I don't know where any of us are going to be next year."

"So, how did you leave things with him?"

She let out a long breath as she finally sat back down beside Riley. "I told him I needed some space."

Riley cringed. "I'm sorry."

Maya stared vacantly ahead. "You wanna know the worst part?"

Riley was afraid to ask. She knew that Maya was teetering on the edge of completely breaking down. She also knew that Maya needed her to play along—to ask her what the worst part of it was. Maya wanted to break down. Riley was determined in that moment to be there for the blonde, no matter what was about to come out of her mouth. "What?"

"He let me go." Maya scrunched her face up as the tears she had been able to hold back for nearly an hour finally cascaded down her cheeks. She never thought he would be able to let her go so easily, so willingly. She thought he would fight her on it, hold her, force her to face her fears, but he didn't. He simply agreed and walked away.

Riley reached for her best friend. "It's going to be ok," she soothed as she embraced the sobbing blonde. "I've got you."

Riley gently rocked them back and forth as Maya continued to let out the tears she had managed to control ever since her conversation with Farkle. This wasn't her. She wasn't the girl to break down like this. She hated feeling weak, vulnerable—even in front of Riley. She was supposed to be the rock, the one that Riley leaned on.

"Maybe we should just date each other?"

Riley let out a soft chuckle as she stroked Maya's hair. "No offense, peaches, but you aren't exactly my type."

"Yeah, it would never work." Maya sat up as she tried to wipe her eyes. "Who would I talk to about all of my girlfriend problems?" She smiled.

"Knock, knock," Cory said as he slowly opened the door. Maya turned her head away as she tried to compose herself. She hated it when people saw her cry—even Riley's parents who had witnessed her break down more than once over the years. She hated being vulnerable.

"Hey," Riley greeted.

"Hey." He looked at Maya who seemed to be looking everywhere else around the room but at him. "Maya? You ok?"

"Yeah," she said before she cleared her throat. She knew that her eyes had to be bloodshot, and her face red. "Just…allergies."

He raised an eyebrow. "In October?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "Allergic to school."

"It's Saturday," he pointed out.

"Allergic to the _thought_ of school."

He knew he needed to drop the conversation. It was obvious that she wasn't going to tell him what was going on. Besides, he had already caused enough trouble by sticking his nose somewhere it didn't belong. "Ah. Well, dinner is ready if you girls want to eat."

"Can Maya spend the night?"

Cory nodded. "Absolutely. Come down whenever you're ready." He said nothing more as he quickly closed the door behind himself.

"Thanks Riles," Maya sniffed as she wiped her eyes once more. "I don't want to have to explain all of that again right now."

"You were there for me. I'm there for you. It's how it works."

Maya tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Yeah…we need to stick together. We are going to have to see both of them during play rehearsals. At least maybe you and Lucas can work it all out like you did during _'Romeo and Juliet'_."

The thought of history repeating itself sent a jolt through Riley. The intensity, the heat between their exchanges on and off stage during that time was unlike anything she had ever experienced. She knew that it was also something that couldn't possibly happen this time. Not with the play choice. "We didn't figure anything out during _'Romeo and Juliet'_. The only thing I figured out was that I couldn't be with," she paused. "Besides, it's a big cast. We probably won't even have to practice together."

"I read the play. Emily and George get married."

Riley shook her head. "We haven't even auditioned yet. How do you know we are going to be Emily and George?"

"Because I know Ms. Thompson." Maya stood up before she walked toward the door. "She thinks you two have this insane chemistry…and she's not wrong. You'll be Emily. He will be George."

Riley sighed as she forced herself to stand up. "I'm not sure how I feel about that."

* * *

"Surprise, surprise," Maya wryly stated as she scanned the cast list. She turned to a stoic Riley. "You know…one of these days…I will be proven wrong." She scanned the list once more. "Unlucky for you, today isn't one of those days."

Riley let out a long breath as she hugged her calculus and history books. Maya was right. Riley Matthews was cast in the roll of Emily Webb and Lucas Friar was cast as George Gibbs. "Well, at least we only have a few scenes together, and it's not as intense as _'Romeo and Juliet'_."

"Hey ladies," Jordan greeted as he stepped up next to Riley. "How did we do?"

"You're the stage manager…the lead." Riley turned her head toward him as she smiled warmly. "Congratulations Jordan."

He smiled back at her. "Thanks Riley." He glanced at the cast list. "You got Emily!"

"Yeah," she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

He continued to scan the list. "Farkle is playing Mr. Webb." He looked at Maya. "That's great! You two will be able to spend more time together."

"Yeah, real great," Maya replied sarcastically. She hadn't spoken to Farkle in a week. It was easily the worst week she had ever had. Even when they were just friends, they talked to one another everyday. They were at the point now that she didn't know what to say to him, and she was sure that he didn't know what else to say to her. They were at an impasse. He loved her, and she had no clue what the word even meant.

"We should all go out and celebrate," Jordan continued, not picking up on the change in Maya's tone and demeanor.

Riley glanced at Maya before she looked back at Jordan. She knew Maya wasn't ready to explain what was going on with her and Farkle. "The three of us should go do something. It'll be fun."

He frowned. "What about Farkle?"

"Yeah," Farkle spoke up as he walked up beside Maya. "That seems to be the million dollar question, right? _'What about Farkle?'_ " He skimmed the cast list. "Congratulations Jordan, Riley."

"Thanks Farkle," they replied in unison.

He turned to Maya. "You know we need to talk about this."

She nodded. "I know. I just don't know what to say."

"Well," he let out a long breath. "When you figure it out, let me know." He looked at Jordan and Riley once more. "Congratulations again guys."

"Thanks," the said in unison once again. Normally, they would laugh about it, but both of them were too focused on the awkward interaction between their friends. Jordan had no clue what any of it meant while Riley understood every single word, but felt completely powerless to help them.

How had everything gone so wrong between their group? Six months ago, Riley would have never predicted how fractured her circle would have become.

She felt a slight chill in the air as she heard footsteps approach the small group. She didn't need to turn around. She knew who it was. She still found it confusing and weird that she could always sense his presence. "Can you give me a minute," she asked Maya.

"Yeah. Sure."

"I'll be right back," she told Jordan before Riley turned around and walked toward her ex-boyfriend. "Hey," she said softly.

He nodded.

They both stood in silence for a moment as Riley fought the urge to ask him about last week. "So…you got George." Small talk. At least it was something.

"Yeah," he let out a disinterested sigh. "I know."

She wasn't going to let it end there. "And…I'm Emily."

He didn't look at her. He couldn't. Instead, he looked over her shoulder as he pretended to look at the cast list. "Yeah. I figured."

Riley bit the inside of her cheek. This was ridiculous. She needed answers. Surely he felt the same way. "Lucas…can we talk? About what happened?"

He shrugged. "What's there to talk about?"

Riley shifted the books in her hands as her nerves began to bubble up. "I mean…we almost…kissed."

"Don't turn it into something it's not," he told her coldly. He still refused to look at her. It made it a lot easier to lie to her this way. "It was an accident."

She gripped the books in her arms. She had analyzed every millisecond of their exchange ever since it happened, and it meant nothing to him? "So, it was nothing then?"

"Nope," he said as he popped the 'p'. He swallowed as he looked up at the ceiling. Disinterested. He had to keep up appearances no matter how much his heart screamed at him to stop. "We broke up, remember?"

"Yeah, but I thought that maybe…"

"Look…" he nearly growled as his eyes moved down to look at her. He was afraid that his resolve would break if he looked at her, but it didn't. Quite the opposite, actually. He felt himself finally capable of cutting off his emotions as he noticed the bewildered expression on her face. He was doing what was best. She needed to move on, so he could finally move on too. "We have to get through this stupid play…and then the spring one where I'm sure we'll be cast opposite one another again. All I want to do is graduate so I can move back home. I'll play nice during rehearsals, but outside of that? I don't want to talk or hang out, ok?"

She nodded as she took a step back from him. "If that's what you want." Her voice shook from the harshness of his tone. For a split second, she thought the floodgates would open, but as she stared into his eyes, she realized that, once again, she wasn't going to give in to the urge.

He shifted his eyes back to stare at the space behind her. Of course it wasn't what he wanted. It was what he needed though. He had to ignore her, be cruel if that's what it took to get the message across to her. It was already going to be hard enough to see her at practice everyday, let alone have her portray his love interest. He knew he wouldn't be able to handle simple conversation with her outside of that. "It is."

She knew she needed to step back from him for the sake of her sanity. She also knew that her own insecurities were currently waging a war with the more logical side of herself. There was no way the Lucas she knew would kiss someone and not mean it—especially if she was that someone. On the other hand, with every passing day, she wasn't so sure that he was still the Lucas that she once knew.


	16. Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen

The weeks rolled on by. Lucas kept his word. He stayed engaged during rehearsals. He helped with what little set preparations Maya needed, but that was it. As soon as rehearsals ended, he was always the first one out the door. His tardiness in class became more frequent. He even got into a fight with a member of the football team. Riley didn't know what it was about or how it started. She only knew that he got suspended for a week as a result.

With every passing day, she could feel the hope of those around her fade when it came to Lucas. They had all become convinced that the guy they knew last year was gone, and the former version of him was his true self. Riley refused to accept it. She still believed in him. Part of her knew that she shouldn't. The logical side of her knew that she needed to let him go. Her therapist had practically told her as much. Holding on hope could sometimes be damaging. It made sense, but at the end of the day, she didn't care about the damage. She just wanted him back. She wanted to see him smile—really smile—again. She wanted to joke around with him. She wanted to hang out with him again. Even if they couldn't be together romantically, she just wanted her friend back.

As Riley sat down in the makeup chair on opening night, her mind wasn't on the play. It wasn't even on Lucas—not directly, anyway. Her mind was on her father. Soon after Maya and Farkle broke up, he came to Riley completely humbled, completely remorseful over everything that happened with Lucas. He apologized—even begged for forgiveness. He tried to explain how he felt so defenseless after the Charlie incident. It was something that lingered within him ever since that winter night—so much so that one day, he woke up with this notion that history was bound to repeat itself with her relationship to Lucas. At first, he simply wanted them to slow down. He thought that over time, his anxiousness about Lucas's past would settle and be replaced with everything he knew about him now. Then he caught Lucas in his daughter's room that spring morning. And then Riley ran away. All he wanted to do was to protect her, prevent her from getting hurt again. He told her that he thought that after a little time, both of the teens would move on, become better people apart from one another, but when he saw the picture of them at the Statue of Liberty in the box of Riley's things, he realized how wrong he had been. He told Riley that he would do whatever she wanted him to do in order to set things right again.

At the end of his speech, Riley let out a long breath before she leaned over and kissed her father on the cheek. She thanked him for being the best father she could ever ask for, but there was nothing he could do. She was grateful that she had his blessing to be with whomever she wanted to be, but that it didn't change anything between her and Lucas. There weren't enough apologies or schemes in the world to close the chasm that had engulfed them. She then told her father that it was all a series of misunderstandings. She still firmly believed that if she were meant to be with Lucas, then somehow, someway, they would find a way to move past all of this and simply be together.

After Riley put the finishing touches on her makeup, she leaned back in the chair. All of that was nearly two months ago. December. It was now December, and no one had moved forward. Maya and Farkle still weren't speaking. Zay, Riley, and Jordan felt stuck in the middle—like children in the middle of a divorce. They tried to spend time with both of them, but it ended up with the boys usually hanging out together while Maya and Riley stayed confined in Riley's bedroom most of the time.

Riley wasn't sure how well—or how horrible—her birthday party was going to go. She begged both of them to come. They were both two of her best friends in the world. She needed them there. To her surprise, they both agreed without any argument. They were never able to deny the brunette anything she wanted.

But before she could celebrate her 18th birthday, she had to survive these four performances.

She looked up into the mirror as Maya came into the dressing room. She carried a vase of stargazer lilies mixed in with a few daffodils. "Riley, these came for you."

She frowned. "For me?" As she reached for the card, she knew that they hadn't come from her parents. It was their tradition to wait until after the performance to give her their traditional bouquet of gerber daisies. As she scanned the card, she couldn't help the smile that formed on her features.

"Who are they from," Maya asked as she sat in the chair next to her best friend.

Riley handed the card to Maya as she leaned forward to smell the bouquet.

"' _All the world's a stage…and you know the rest. Break a leg tonight, Matthews. Jordan.'_ " Maya slid the card back into the envelope before she tossed it on the counter. "You know he wants to go out with you, right?"

"Oh please. It's just his way of thanking me for helping him with his lines." Riley leaned back in her chair once more. "They're pretty, aren't they?"

"They are," Maya agreed as she looked at the flowers. She turned her head back to the brunette. "Doesn't change the fact that he wants to go out with you."

"Are we really talking about this half an hour before the show starts?"

"Why not now? You got a gorgeous arrangement of flowers from an equally gorgeous guy who has more than proven that he's not the same guy we met on the subway last spring." She bit the inside of her cheek. She knew her next question would annoy her best friend, but she didn't care. Riley needed to know that she had options. "What would you tell him if he asked you out right now?"

Riley chuckled. "You can't be serious."

"I am," Maya told her seriously. "What would you say?"

Riley furrowed her eyebrows as she looked down at her hands, which rested in her lap. "I…I guess I would say that I'm not ready for that."

Maya sighed as she rolled her eyes. "Riley."

"Maya," the brunette mimicked.

Maya had been relatively quiet when it came to the subject of Lucas. She learned a long time ago to butt out when it came to the subject, but with every passing day, she became more and more concerned. Riley was still in therapy. Riley was still on medication to help her sleep and to help her make it through the day. She wasn't herself anymore. She was just a shell. She needed to snap out of it. She needed to go out and experience life again. "You and Lucas only dated for a few months. You've been broken up longer than you've actually dated. What are you waiting for?"

Riley cut her eyes to the blonde as she quickly became defensive. "I could ask you the same question. You broke up with Farkle almost two months ago. Why haven't you dated anyone else?"

She shook her head. "It's not the same thing."

"Yes, it is. It's the same because my reason for not dating anyone else is the same reason you aren't."

Maya wasn't about to allow Riley to turn the subject around on her. "You need to move on, Riley."

"Everyone keeps telling me that, but I can't. I've tried. Do you think I enjoy being stuck like this? Do you think I like being the only one who still sees the good in him…the only one who believes he isn't who he's been pretending to be?" She turned back to the flowers. "My heart won't let me give him up. Not now. Maybe not ever."

"Ever? You'd be content to be by yourself for the rest of your life because your heart won't give up on the guy you dated for only a few months in high school? I can't sit by and let you do that, Riley."

She turned to Maya. "I'm not asking you do that. I'm asking you to not push me. Maybe I'll be able to let go of him one day." She faced herself in the mirror. "Just not _today_."

* * *

The first act came with relative ease. She had two scenes with him. Harmless scenes at that. Still, the adrenaline rush she felt every time she stepped on stage—especially during opening night—dimmed in comparison to the rush she felt when she stood next to him, when she looked at him. Why was everyone asking her to give it up? To give him up. Couldn't they feel it too? The connection they had with one another, even while reciting the innocent dialogue of _'Our Town'_?

As Riley waited for her cue to enter during the second act, she felt her heart begin to race. She was certain that Thornton Wilder never intended for anyone to get so worked up over a scene before, but Riley was. In this act, Emily and George get married. In this act, they kiss. In this act, Riley felt the closest to the spirit of Emily. She closed her eyes as she heard Jordan finish his monologue. She was determined to melt into Emily. She was determined to speak to him through her since she wasn't permitted to do so outside of their written lines for one another. She took a deep breath as she stepped on the stage.

It was time.

Her voice shook as she delivered the first few lines. She was nervous. She was never nervous on the stage. She always let her characters possess her, fill her with their spirit, so she had no room for such anxiety. Not this time. She looked down as she willed herself to get through this moment with him. She knew the audience would take her anxiety as Emily's anxiety, which suited Riley just fine.

 _EMILY: Why, George, I don't see why you have to decide right now. It's a whole year away._

He made the mistake of looking up at her instead of looking over her shoulder as he had done in every rehearsal. Now, his eyes were locked on her form, enthralled by the beauty of her. He had spent months trying to forget. He finally thought he had succeeded—until she turned her head toward him and the eyes that had haunted him night after night for the last six months found his. He couldn't have her—that much was true—but George could and would be able to have Emily. Just for a few moments, maybe the real world didn't exist? Maybe the real world was in fact this world—Grover's Corners.

 _GEORGE: Emily, I'm glad you spoke to me about that . . . that fault in my character. What you said was right; but there was one thing wrong in it, and that was when you said that for a year I wasn't noticing people, and . . . you, for instance._

It was true. It was all completely true. For the last four months, he had done everything in order to make her and everyone around her believe that he wasn't watching her—that he didn't notice every time Jordan looked her way, that he didn't notice how strained their group of friends had become and the effect it had on her, or the way she looked at him at the end of every rehearsal. He knew her well enough to know that she was battling herself over whether or not to talk to him. So, he took the decision away from her. He bolted. Every practice, it didn't matter what he was in the middle of. As soon as Ms. Thompson dismissed the students, he forced himself to be the first one out of the room. He knew she still felt torn. Months after their breakup, and they both were still in a holding pattern. She wasn't moving on, and as much as he told himself that he was waiting for her to move on before he did, he knew it was a lie. She could go on fifty dates with Jordan, but he would still reside in his own self-inflicted purgatory.

 _GEORGE: Why, you say you were watching me when I did everything ... I was doing the same about you all the time. Why, sure, I always thought about you as one of the chief people I thought about. I always made sure where you were sitting on the bleachers, and who you were with, and for three days now I've been trying to walk home with you; but something's always got in the way. Yesterday I was standing over against the wall waiting for you, and you walked home with Miss Corcoran._

Despite his coldness to everyone he knew, there was one thing he could never force himself to do: look away from her. She still possessed his heart. She had no idea, and maybe that was for the best. He knew all of the rumors. He was troubled. He was dangerous. It was a reputation he had spent the last four months building. He even got into a fight with a member of the football team. He thought that she would find out and write him off for good. When the principal and guidance counselor asked him why he got into the fight, Lucas shrugged. He hadn't told anyone the real reason, and he had no plans to. It would undo everything he had worked hard to prove. The reason why didn't matter, anyway. He was violent. He was unhinged. He was everything she should stay away from.

Riley swallowed as she realized she was losing whatever small shred of sanity she still had. He was still there. Her Lucas was still there. Those sea green pools showed her everything she knew to be true. He still cared about her. She had to make him understand. She had to make him see that they were so much better when they were together. Her bottom lip trembled.

 _EMILY: George! . . . Life's awful funny! How could I have known that? Why, I thought_

In rehearsals, the scene was lighthearted, whimsical even. Suddenly, both of them spoke softer, warmer. They ignored the stage directions they had practiced for weeks. They were supposed to be awkward around one another as their characters confessed their feelings for one another, but at that moment, Riley didn't know where she ended and Emily began.

Lucas knew that they were beginning to go off script. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Maya waving her arms around as she tried to get him to look forward, to break the spell that Riley Matthews had once again cast on him.

He wasn't going to give in. Months of forcing himself to stay away from her had taken a toll on him. Was he not permitted just a few moments in her presence where they could pretend to be other people—other people who didn't have nearly as many complications? He ignored Maya as he leaned in a little closer to Riley.

 _GEORGE: Listen, Emily, I'm going to tell you why I'm not going to Agriculture School. I think that once you've found a person that you're very fond of ... I mean a person who's fond of you, too, and likes you enough to be interested in your character . . . Well, I think that's just as important as college is, and even more so. That's what I think._

Riley's breath hitched in her throat as Lucas leaned in closer to her as he lowered his voice. She didn't care if the audience heard him or not. They didn't matter. The production didn't matter. The only thing that mattered in that moment—in these rapidly fleeting, precious moments—was each other. She knew that once the scene was over, the enchantment that had been cast over them would be broken and they would be forced to, once again, roam the earth as relative strangers. She didn't care about the impending agony, because she knew that they were intrinsically bound to one another.

 _EMILY: I think it's awfully important, too._

God, he needed her to listen to him—to really listen and understand that while these were another man's words, he felt every syllable course through him.

 _GEORGE: Emily._

She was completely captivated by him.

 _EMILY: Y-yes, George._

Lucas took a deep breath. He prayed that she would hear him and know that he was speaking to her as himself. Did he still feel completely unworthy of her? Yes. Was he scared that he would once again bring her down, change her into someone she wasn't? Yes. Was he afraid of never feeling this way about anyone again? No, because he knew that it was impossible. No one had ever made him feel like this, and he knew that something like this only came around once, if one was lucky enough. He was scared to put himself out there again. He was scared that the demons inside of him, who had been silent ever since his eyes met hers, would once again reign over him and convince him that he was exactly the person he had been forcing himself to be over the last four months.

 _GEORGE: Emily, if I do improve and make a big change . . . would you be ... I mean: could you be ..._

Riley gripped her dress as Lucas spoke. She knew that it was his dialogue, but the way his eyes seemed to plead for her made her pause. Was he simply being George or was this more? He had to have felt the connection between them. Riley was convinced the people in the back row of the auditorium were fanning themselves and whispering to one another that they didn't know _'Our Town'_ could be so intense.

 _EMILY: I ... I am now; I always have been._

When Riley's voice cracked as she delivered her line, Lucas couldn't resist her anymore. He placed his hands on either side of her face as he leaned forward to kiss her.

Riley's chest heaved as she placed her hands over top of his as their lips met. Could they freeze time now and make this moment last forever? Could this one, completely off script, impromptu kiss be the magical cure for months of suffering? She knew it wouldn't be, but after dreaming about it for so long, she was determined to enjoy every millisecond of this.

Off stage, Maya dropped her clipboard as Ms. Thompson's eyes widened. "T-That's not in the script," Maya hissed.

"No," Ms. Thompson agreed as they both watched the display of affection. A smile formed at the corner of her lips. "But I like it."

Lucas heard the clang of the clipboard hitting the ground, which brought him back to reality. He lingered against her lips for just a few more precious seconds before he finally pulled back. He slowly lowered his hands from her cheeks. Did he really just do that? In front of a few hundred people?

 _GEORGE: So I guess this is an important talk we've been having._

Riley thought her heart was going to beat right out of her chest. Thankfully she would have a few minutes to recover from the shock of it all after her next line.

 _EMILY: Yes . . . yes._

Lucas finally broke eye contact with her as he stood up from the stool he sat on. He gave her a half-smile.

 _GEORGE: Wait just a minute and I'll walk you home._

Thankfully, she only had one more short line before she was allowed a few minutes off stage. As soon as she reached the wings, she sprinted to the quick-change area to slide into Emily's wedding dress.

"Riley," Maya hissed as she hurried after the brunette.

"Not now, Maya," she whispered from behind the quick-change area as she stepped into the dress. "I have three minutes to get dressed and to the back of the auditorium. Can you come back here and zip me up?"

Maya sighed. "I'm supposed to be making sure the stage hands move everything where they should."

"So, go do that."

"Not before I ask you what all of that was about?" Maya zipped up her dress. She reached for Riley's veil. "Turn," she commanded.

"I don't know," Riley whispered as she spun around to face her best friend. "It wasn't in the play."

"Oh, I think everyone here is well aware of that fact," she said as she placed the veil on her best friend's head. She smoothed out the silky garment before she handed Riley her bouquet. "Ok. You're good. Go."

Riley grabbed the train of the dress as she quietly opened the stage door to sprint around to the audience entrance of the auditorium. She barely had time to catch her breath before the music began and the doors opened. She took a deep breath as she started to walk down the aisle.

She didn't dare risk looking at Lucas as she walked toward him. She kept her focus on the backdrop of the stage as she forced her brain to not analyze what happened between Lucas and her on the stage. Maybe he got wrapped up in the moment? Maybe he did exactly as she had and completely gave into the character he was playing? Maybe Lucas didn't kiss Riley. Maybe it was George not being able to resist Emily. As Riley climbed the side steps to the stage, she knew that in order to make it through the rest of the play, she had to put all of her effort into forgetting that moment with him, no matter how badly her lips still burned from the memory of his kiss.


	17. Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen

The rest of the opening night of the play went off without a hitch. Lucas and Riley managed to stick with everything they had practiced in rehearsal. The audience seemed completely moved by everyone's performance. There were a few hiccups, as was perfectly normal with any opening night. Wyatt missed a lighting cue and accidentally turned the spotlight onto one of the stagehands as they tried to move the stage around. Darby, who played Mrs. Gibbs, tripped and would have face planted on the stage if it weren't for Jordan's quick reflexes. Other than that, and Riley and Lucas's impromptu kiss, everything went as planned.

Riley had barely changed out of her costume and was just beginning to remove her stage make up when Maya knocked on the dressing room door. "Hey. Ms. Thompson wants to talk to you."

Riley rubbed her forehead with a makeup remover cloth as she turned to face the blonde. "Yeah," she let out a long breath. "I knew that was coming." She turned back around to make sure she had removed everything before she slid out of her chair and followed Maya backstage. She was surprised and more than a little relieved that the blonde hadn't resumed her line of questioning about the kiss. Riley's heartbeat quickened its pace when she saw Ms. Thompson standing next to a still-costumed Lucas.

"Ah. There you are," Ms. Thompson greeted Riley. "I know you're both tired and are ready to go home, but I wanted to talk to you about what happened on stage earlier." She crossed her arms over her chest as she looked back and forth between her leads.

Lucas shifted the weight on his feet as his eyes fell to the ground. He was more than a little embarrassed by the exchange. He had spent the last few months forcing himself to keep her at arm's length. Why did he finally cave in? Why did he do it in front of a few hundred people? Why, after months of telling himself he wasn't worthy of her, did he begin to hope that maybe their kiss on the stage wouldn't be their last—that maybe they could find their way back to one another? "Ms. Thompson, it won't—"

"I'm not going to criticize you," she assured them. "Quite the opposite, actually." The way Riley and Lucas portrayed the entire scene was unlike any rehearsal or any adaptation that she had ever seen of the play. It intrigued her at the time, until Lucas kissed Riley. It was as if the kiss between them was the missing piece to the whole puzzle. Somehow, it made the story more believable, more relatable. Suddenly, Emily and George weren't stiff and awkward. Suddenly, they were truly teenagers in love. It was an incredibly moving moment. "Sure, it's not what the script dictates, but it was the most honest moment I've ever witnessed on the stage." She turned to Riley. "Can you do that again? For the rest of the performances? Just like that?"

Riley swallowed before she looked sheepishly at Lucas. Ms. Thompson wasn't going to yell at them for completely ruining the scene? "It's up to him. I-I can do it." Could she? Could she survive three more moments like that with him?

Lucas knew he should say 'no'. He already had to give her a little peck during the wedding scene, but now Ms. Thompson wanted him to kiss her like he did earlier for the other performances? He knew if he agreed, it would only torment him. At the same time, Riley seemed willing to go along with it. Lucas suddenly felt so conflicted about everything. What was right, what was wrong? What was best for everyone? He didn't know the answers to any of those questions anymore. He only knew that he had just been handed an opportunity to pretend that the world hadn't fallen down around them. He could take her face in his hands and convey to her how he really felt about her without compromising whatever progress she had made in order to finally get over him. "Yeah. I can do it."

"Great," Ms. Thompson grinned. "I'll let you guys get changed so you can go home and rest. Great work out there today."

"Thanks," they replied in unison.

As soon as Ms. Thompson walked away, Maya pulled Riley's arm to take her back to the dressing room. Now that all of that had been settled, they had a lot to talk about.

Lucas let out a long breath as he walked to the guys' dressing room. Everything he had believed for the last five months seemed so skewed now. He had pulled back because he knew it was best for her. He had even regressed to his former self for her, but as he walked to the dressing room, he was hit with the feeling that maybe he was wrong. Maybe, just maybe…being apart from one another was worse for them than being together. He knew that statement was painfully true for himself, but how did she feel? Was it too late? Had she moved on? Was she better off without him?

* * *

"But he won't even talk to me," Riley explained as she pulled the ribbon out of her hair. "And I don't even know if I can process any of it right now. Maya…was he just acting or was it him? Did Lucas kiss me or was it George kissing Emily?" She let out a long breath as she reached for her hairbrush.

"I wish I knew." Maya threw her legs over the arm of the chair as she watched the brunette brush her hair. "It was intense." It wasn't quite like their exchanges during the play last fall. This time was different. During the whole scene, Maya wanted to look away, wanted to pull the curtain, in order to give the pair their privacy. It was weird. They were in the middle of the stage, in the middle of the second act, and it was like they were the only people in the world. Everyone who witnessed it was simply a voyeur or someone desperately trying to understand the concept of love. Maya wasn't quite sure which category she fell into. She hadn't come any closer to figuring out how she felt about Farkle. Had she ever looked at him the way Riley looked at Lucas?

"You're telling me." Riley grabbed a hair tie as she pulled her hair back into a messy bun, completely oblivious to the pensive look on her best friend's face. She wanted to relive it, to figure out what it all meant. As she looked at her reflection, the realization that she had been stuck in limbo for the last five months finally hit her. She was tired of trying to figure it all out. She was tired of feeling nothing but disappointment when he rejected her over and over again after she felt so certain that he still cared about her. Were cracks beginning to form in her 'rock solid' belief that they were meant to be together? "I feel so drained." She needed to forget all about it and go home. For the first time in months, she felt like she wouldn't need to take her sleeping pill in order to sleep. Suddenly, she felt like she could sleep for a week.

As Riley began to pack up her stuff, she heard a knock on the door. Maya untangled herself from her seat as she went to open it.

Riley looked in the mirror as Maya opened the door. When she saw who it was, she whipped her head around to face him—to make sure that she wasn't hallucinating. "Lucas," she said softly.

"Hey." He wasn't sure what made him want to talk to her. Was it the kiss? Was it that the months of not speaking to one another finally broke him? Had something in him, that had been broken for so long, finally healed itself? He didn't know. He didn't know what the final straw had been. He only knew that he had to talk to her. He glanced at Maya. "May I come in?"

"No boys allowed." Maya crossed her arms over her chest. Did they need to talk? Yes. It had been several months of silence and mixed signals. Riley and Lucas needed to have a long conversation about everything, but Maya also knew that if Ms. Thompson caught any of the boys in the girls' dressing room, they would all end up in detention, and Maya had too much going on in her life to spend it in confinement with a pair of love sick teenagers.

He sighed. Lucas looked up at Riley. He wasn't about to be thwarted that easily. It took him five months to get to this point. If he backed out now, he wasn't sure if he'd ever let his defenses down long enough to try again. "Then can we speak out here…privately…for a moment?"

Riley debated it. Five months ago, maybe even five minutes ago, she wouldn't have hesitated, but something inside of her was beginning to change. She was tired and scared. Scared that he would once again reject her and tired of analyzing every look he sent her way over the last few months. She knew they needed to talk about it. She knew that if she stood a chance of getting through the next three performances without falling apart, they would need to come to some sort of arrangement. "Y-Yeah," she finally sputtered as she walked toward the doorway. She glanced at Maya. "I'll be right back."

Before Riley could close the door behind her, Lucas caught a glimpse of the bouquet of flowers on the table.

"I know there isn't anyone in the hallway," he said as he led her out of the auditorium. It was dark as they walked down the main hallway of the empty high school. "I-I'm sorry," he apologized as soon as he felt certain that they were alone. He had an audience earlier when his feelings for the girl in front of him could no longer be contained. He didn't need another as he tried to figure out what to say to her. "I shouldn't have done that."

Riley bit her upper lip as she forced herself to think about that moment. He wanted to talk to her about it. She never thought he would mention any of it to her, so now that he was standing next to her, she had to ask, "why did you?"

"I don't know," he replied honestly. He knew it wasn't the answer she wanted. He knew that he owed her a real explanation, but truthfully, he was just as confused as she was. Was his resolve finally weakening or did he simply do what he thought George would in that moment? "I'm not sure if I got caught up in the scene or if…it was something else."

She nodded. She should have known that his answer would only leave her with more questions. She was confused by it all. It only made sense that he was confused too.

"I'm also sorry that you're stuck doing that three more times," he continued.

Riley stopped walking. She wasn't sure how long the conversation would last. She didn't know how much longer his guard would be down. While they were alone, while he was willing to listen to her, she had to let him know what was on her mind. "Lucas, can I be honest?"

He wasn't sure he wanted to hear whatever she was about to say, but he felt he at least owed it to her to listen after what he did on the stage. "Please."

She crossed her arms over her chest as her eyes fell to the ground. She had nothing to lose. "I don't think it was because you got caught up in the character or the play." She paused as she forced herself to look up at him, to capture his eyes with her own. Their connection was something that neither of them could deny. She needed to look him in the eye and tell him exactly what she felt on that stage. "I know what I felt out there. I know that when I looked over at you, I didn't see the disinterested eyes of the guy who came back from Texas a few months ago. I saw Lucas. The real Lucas. The Lucas I fell for. If you want to say that what happened was because you got wrapped up in being George, then I'll accept it." She rocked back on her heels. "I need to start accepting everything you say at face value." She slid her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. "I also need you to know that I don't think it was because you were getting into character. I know what I felt."

When he opened his mouth to reply, she raised a hand to stop him. "Honestly? I don't want to hear your answer right now for two reasons. I want you to think about it…really think about every second of that moment before you dismiss what I'm saying." She took a deep breath. "And if you already have…if I'm wrong and I misread everything…I'm not sure I can go through the next three performances doing the exact same thing with you." She bit the inside of her cheek. "I'd rather give you some time to think about everything."

He slowly nodded as his mind had already begun to trace the seconds that led up to their kiss. "Sounds fair."

She was shocked that he agreed to it so easily. She figured that he would immediately push her away again. She decided to press her luck. "My…birthday party…is the night after the last performance. Will you come? We can talk about everything then."

Lucas had heard some of his classmates talk about the party earlier in the week. A big part of him screamed at him to walk away now—to tell her that he'd never go-but the seed of hope that had filled him when his lips found hers on the stage was apparently stronger than the logical side of him that had dominated his senses over the last several months. "What if it doesn't go well? Riley, I don't want to ruin—"

"You won't. Trust me." She crossed her arms over her chest. She wasn't sure why she wanted to have such a deep conversation with her ex boyfriend at her birthday party, but maybe it would be better that way? Maybe he could see that her world had changed—that her father was open to the idea of them together—that the obstacles they had encountered were no longer an issue. "I'm not expecting anything to change between us. I feel like I'm going into this whole thing pretty grounded. And…at the least, maybe talking about everything at a party will ease the tension and…maybe it can be the first step toward a friendship or something." She waited a beat as her eyes fell to the ground. "I really want you to be there. Talk or no talk."

He considered it. There were a million reasons to decline the offer. She needed to have fun at her birthday party—not to be stuck having what would surely be an emotional conversation with her former boyfriend. At the same time, he knew he owed her more than an apology for the way everything ended. If going to her birthday party, if having this conversation there would bring her some sort of peace, then it was a start. "Ok."

She gave him a small smile. He was actually agreeing to it? "Seriously? I thought you would storm off or something."

He tilted his head to the side, a playful smile tugged at the corners of his lips. "Do I storm off?"

"You've been known to do it once or twice," she chuckled. This was so surreal. A few hours ago, he refused to look at her. Suddenly, they were laughing together. He was going to her birthday party. Was the worst finally over with? "Thank you for listening to me."

His lips curled up into a smile—the first he had in months. "Thank you for not smacking me in front of two hundred people."

"We do have three more performances left," she teased. "Who knows? It might be my turn to do a little improv."

He chuckled. "I'll be sure to watch myself, Miss Matthews."


	18. Chapter Seventeen

_**A/N: Someone asked me about an update schedule. Unfortunately, I don't really have one. I try to update at least once a week, but it depends on how productive I am when I write and how much time I get to write. I wish I could give a better answer. And someone else mentioned Lucas's mom appearing in the story. She is more of a peripheral character in this fic, but I do plan to have her appear later on.**_

* * *

Chapter Seventeen

It was almost over with. Three performances down. And it felt like they were flying through the final performance. The air around Riley and Lucas felt a lot lighter since their conversation. They hadn't spoken to one another much over the last few days, but instead of experiencing their 'normal' awkward tension in between scenes, they joked around with one another. It was quite shocking for the rest of the cast and crew who had become accustomed to their silence.

As they recited their dialogue at the drugstore, both were hit with the finality of the next few scenes. This was the last performance. Ms. Thompson had yet to cast for the spring play. Despite Maya's confidence that they would play opposite one another again, Riley and Lucas knew it wasn't a guarantee. As their impending conversation loomed over their heads, Lucas knew he had to give everything he had to these precious moments with her. When Riley delivered the line 'I always have been', Lucas took her face into his hands just as he had the three prior performances. Instead of immediately crashing his lips to hers, he brushed his right thumb lightly across her bottom lip. When he felt her lip tremble in response, he smirked before he slowly leaned down to plant a gentle kiss on her lips.

Riley shivered as his lips connected with hers. For three nights, that kiss was full of passion, full of feelings that Riley couldn't quite describe. For some reason, this simple kiss blew them all away. As she inched closer to him in an attempt to deepen the graze, she realized why this sweet kiss meant more than all the rest. It was as if their souls connected as their lips touched. It was as if hope of a future together filled them and the air around them.

When they pulled apart from one another, instead of immediately delivering his line, Lucas once again brushed the bottom of her lip with the pad of his thumb. He needed to commit this moment to his memory. The way the lights hit her face, the way she looked up at him, the way his heart soared at the thought that maybe they had found their way back to one another. His voice was hoarse when he finally spoke.

 _GEORGE:_

 _So I guess this is an important talk we've been having_

Riley was never more grateful that she only had a few short lines after the kiss. She couldn't think. She could barely remember how to breathe as his gaze lingered on her.

* * *

The wedding.

Riley's legs shook as she walked down the aisle of the auditorium, her body still in shock from the sweet caress his lips gave hers. As she began her dialogue with Farkle, who played her father, she tried to mentally calm her quaking nerves. She had to put that perfect moment with Lucas out of her mind. She had to get through the rest of the play. As Farkle led her toward Lucas, Riley tried to push the kiss out of her mind. All of that would be addressed at the party. For now, she had to get through this scene and one more act.

Lucas must have seen Riley in that high-collared, old-fashioned wedding dress half a dozen times between dress rehearsals and their prior performances, but as he watched her walk toward him, for some reason, he finally allowed his mind to think about the fact that Riley was walking toward him in a wedding dress. He knew that they were play-acting—that they weren't themselves-but would it be too far-fetched and presumptuous to think that maybe, perhaps, someday, if she would have him, that Riley would walk toward him in a long white gown and look at him just as she was at that moment? Riley was an impeccable actress. Lucas had known that for almost as long as he had known her. As their eyes met, he couldn't tell whether or not the love shining through her mocha orbs was real or if it was simply Emily Webb walking toward the man she loved.

For the first time in months, Lucas felt a little bit of hope fill his broken spirit. He had done just as she had asked. He had spent the last few days thinking of very little else. His concerns about his influence on the brunette were still there, as was the fear he had that she was scared of his dark side. He wasn't sure how his history teacher felt about the whole situation, but Lucas knew that he had to focus solely on Riley right now. He wanted what was best for her. He wanted her to get everything she wanted out of life.

She was easily the best thing that ever happened to him, but maybe it didn't always work both ways? Maybe they were only meant to be in one another's life for a short time. Maybe his purpose was to pull her away from Charlie and steer her in the right direction. Maybe he wasn't meant to follow her into the next chapter of her life.

He didn't know. There were so many 'what if' scenarios that seemed to play on a constant loop in his mind. As she inched closer to him, he realized that he wasn't sure how their conversation would go the next evening. He wasn't sure if they would start again, try to establish some sort of friendship, or even part as nothing more than acquaintances. He didn't know if she had changed her mind, if her perception of the situation had changed, or if…if she had already moved on.

When her gaze shifted to Farkle as she began her dialogue, Lucas knew one thing.

He had to try.

She deserved that much.

When it was his cue to jog over to the pair, he tried to push the thoughts of Riley and he out of the way.

 _MR. WEBB:_

 _Why you're marrying the best young fellow in the world. George_

 _is a fine fellow._

 _EMILY:_

 _But Papa—_

As Lucas found his spot across from Riley, he felt Farkle put his arm around his shoulders. He watched as Farkle put his other arm around Riley.

He froze.

God, she looked gorgeous.

It was the same outfit, same hair, same everything as the previous three evenings, but something was different. He felt lighter…freer. Free from the dark thoughts that had plagued him for months. Free from the judgmental stares of everyone in her world. Free from trying to hide his feelings and acting like seeing her everyday—hearing her talk to Jordan didn't gut him.

Her eyes were down cast, just as Ms. Thompson had directed her. Even so, she could feel his eyes burn into her. She had so many questions for him, but knew she would only be able to ask them after the biggest question of them all got answered. Did he want to try again? Did he love her? She was certain that the front two rows could hear her heart smash against her chest.

 _MR. WEBB:_

 _I'm giving away my daughter, George. Do you think you can take care of her?_

Riley lifted her gaze as her eyes found Lucas's. They had rehearsed and performed this scene so many times, and though she always knew how amazing he was at acting, she couldn't help the butterflies that suddenly slammed into her ribcage when the realization hit her that Lucas was looking at her just like he used to…before everything fell apart. A thousand rehearsals and he never played this moment with that expression on his face. Riley held her breath as his eyes burned through her.

Reluctantly, Lucas had to tear his eyes away from her as he addressed Farkle.

 _GEORGE:_

 _Mr. Webb, I want to ... I want to try._

He swallowed as he shifted his gaze back to Riley. Once again, the world around them melted away. Just as it had for the last three nights. Just as it had during _'Romeo and Juliet'_ last fall. They were the only ones who existed. Nothing else mattered. No one else mattered.

He loved these moments. He wasn't worry about the past. He wasn't scared of the future. They simply existed.

 _GEORGE:_

 _I'm going to do my best._

He took a deep breath before he continued his next line. "I love you, Riley."

Farkle snapped his head up to look at Lucas. Maya's mouth fell open as she watched the scene unfold from the wings. Zay, who had nearly fallen asleep in the audience, suddenly never felt more awake in his life. Ms. Thompson had to cover her mouth with her hand in order to stifle the chuckle that threatened to erupt from her.

Riley's eyes widened as her heart quickened its already rapid pace. Did that just happen? Did he call her by her name? Did he simply flub the line or…or did it mean something more? She wanted to wait until they were no longer portraying other people before they talked about what their relationship was or could be. Had he decided? Was this his way of telling her how he felt?

Or was she doing what she always did, and was making something out of nothing? Her throat suddenly felt dry, as her eyes remained locked onto his.

Lucas took a small step closer to Riley. He looked down at her hands, which were folded in front of her. He reached for them, needing some form of physical contact with her. As he held her hands, he thought about the possible consequences for saying what had been in the back of his mind for the last five months. He hadn't meant to slip up, to say what he did in front of two hundred people, but as soon as her name left his lips, it felt like his world made sense again. He had held it in for so long. He ran from it for so long. Now that it was out there, he couldn't take it back.

He didn't want to.

 _GEORGE:_

 _I need you._

His voice was soft. Riley knew at that moment that he wasn't acting. Riley knew that those words were meant for her and her alone. Thornton Wilder wrote them, but Lucas Friar meant them. She felt her nose begin to burn, but willed herself to not give into the moment, to the rush of tears that threatened to appear. Now was not their time. They had waited five months for it. She could wait one more day.

Though she didn't pen her next few lines, she knew that she needed him to know that those words were meant for him, and only him.

 _EMILY:_

 _Well, if you love me, help me. All I want is someone to love me._

Lucas sensed the tinge of pain as she delivered her line. He knew that she was speaking through Emily. All he wanted was to get her away from the audience, away from everyone, and talk to her about everything. He wanted her to understand why he did what he did. He needed her to know that everything he had done was for her and not to hurt her. Every move he had made in the last five months was for her benefit. He needed her to know that not a day…not an hour…not even a minute had passed without thinking about her.

 _GEORGE:_

 _I will, Emily. Emily, I'll try._

She squeezed his hands as her eyes dropped down to look at their joined hands. Her voice was soft when she spoke, but she couldn't help it. She needed him to know that she meant every word.

 _EMILY:_

 _And I mean forever. Do you hear? Forever and ever._

* * *

Everything became so hectic after the curtain call. Parents were able to go backstage and wait as the cast changed their clothes and the crew moved the props and the smaller sets to the room next to the stage. Riley knew that there would be no way she would be able to get a minute alone with him. It was another reason she asked him to come to the party instead.

But oh how she wanted to talk to him. As she changed her clothes, as she packed up her dressing area one last time, as she left the dressing room and hugged her parents, she thought of nothing else but him and their moments on the stage earlier.

"You were wonderful," her mother said as she hugged her eldest child.

"Thanks mom," Riley smiled before she turned to her father. "Well, dad…I've now done 'Our Town'…your favorite play. How was it?"

"You were incredible," he gushed as he hugged her. "Every performance was better than the last." He pulled back from her as pride shown through his eyes. "Tonight blew me away."

"Really?"

He nodded. He had seen _'Our Town'_ performed dozens of times, but had never felt quite as moved by it as he had tonight. "And apparently, I wasn't the only one. I overheard the people behind us talking. Riley, there were representatives from Juilliard and Tisch here tonight."

Her eyes widened. "What?"

He grinned. He was so incredibly proud of her. She had been involved with school productions for years, and had always done well, but there was something special in the air tonight. She seemed to have completely enchanted the entire audience. "They were moved by your performance."

"Seriously?"

He nodded as his eyes scanned the area for them. He didn't want to get her hopes up, but he knew that Riley had been dreaming about Tisch for a really long time. For them to seek her out, to accept her, would be incredible. "They're over there talking to Lucas and his mom right now."

Riley's eyes darted around the space as she tried to find her ex-boyfriend. When she found him, she couldn't help the smile that formed on her lips. His mother looked so happy, so proud of her son. "Dad, do you think they're going to ask him to apply?"

Cory turned back to Riley. "It's very possible. They talked about both of you. Even with the…creative liberties…that you both took with the material…they felt that you both have something unique to offer each school. Juilliard is more traditional, so I was a little surprised to hear that the representative loved the performance as much as she did."

"Do you think…even with his history…that Lucas would…you know…get accepted?" Maybe she should have been more preoccupied with her own collegiate future, but much like the rest of the last year, he was her first thought.

"It's possible," Cory answered. "You know how smart he is. It reflects in his grades."

"I know. I meant with the…disciplinary…problems."

Her father sighed. He knew the blonde was smart. His grades were well enough that Lucas could practically choose wherever he wanted to go, but his disciplinary record would prevent him from getting accepted into a lot of places. "If they're as serious about him as I think they are, they'll be willing to listen to the circumstances…especially if he has a few teacher recommendations."

Riley was worried about that. No matter what Lucas wanted to do, whether it was theatre or veterinary medicine, he deserved to go to college to figure it out. "I'm sure Ms. Thompson will recommend him. She's always loved him."

"She's not the only one."

Riley raised an eyebrow. "Dad?"

He gave her a small smile. "It's the least I could do, right? For making such a mess of everything. He is a great guy, Riley. He just needs someone to give him a chance."

She knew that her father had changed his opinion on her relationship with Lucas, but to hear him say that he would actually write him a recommendation letter? Riley was never more proud to be Cory Matthews' daughter. "So, is this a good time to ask if it's ok if he comes to my party tomorrow night?"

He let out a small chuckle. "After what I saw on stage tonight, I would be more surprised if he wasn't invited. Riley, you both deserve nothing more than to be happy. It's taken me a long time to see it, but you're at your best when you're around one another."

"The play is over now," Farkle's voice carried over to the small group. Riley spun around as she saw him trailing behind Maya as she marched across the stage. "You said we would talk."

"Not now. Please, Farkle," she begged as she continued her stride. "I have to get the costumes from the dressing rooms and put them back in the costume closet. Then I have to make sure all of the props and scenery is accounted for and locked up in the closet as well. It's at least going to be another hour. I can't talk right now."

He knew she was busy. He knew that she had things to do before she could go home. He knew she was tired, and that it had been a long week for everyone, but that didn't stop the bitterness from pouring out of him. "That's always it, isn't it Maya? You can't talk now. You're busy designing the sets. You're busing making sure the lighting is set up. You're busy painting. You're busy hanging out with Riley. What about me, Maya? What about us?"

Maya turned to him. "I don't know," she nearly shrieked. "I don't know," she said softer when she noticed that half of the people on the stage had turned at her outburst. She couldn't handle this right now. Couldn't he see that? She was mentally and physically exhausted. She couldn't go seven rounds with him right now.

"You haven't known for months now. Maybe…maybe that's the answer. If you don't know how you feel about me by now, then maybe you never will."

"Farkle, I can't do this right now."

"Or ever," he added. "Don't worry about it, Maya. I'm done." He raised his hands in defeat as he backed away from the blonde. He had loved her for as long as he could remember. He never understood how until after Isadora broke up with him their sophomore year. The genius had been his first love—had opened his eyes to a world where not everything was measured by science. It hurt when she broke up with him, but it didn't feel like this. It never felt like he had lost himself. When Maya dumped him, it felt like he had no clue who he was anymore. He felt angry all of the time, resentful, jealous. All of these emotions that he wasn't used to and didn't know how to handle bubbled up within him. He knew things would be better if she would talk to him, explain how she felt, but her continued procrastination of their conversation only fueled these new emotions Farkle had developed.

He watched as she made her way to the girls' dressing room to gather the costumes. When she was out of his line of vision, he looked over at the Matthews family. He wished he could talk to Riley about it all, but he knew that would only put her in an even more awkward position than she was in now. His friendship with her had been tested throughout this whole ordeal as well. They didn't talk nearly as much as they used to, and barely saw one another outside of play practice. He considered backing out of attending the party, but knew that it would only make things worse. Riley wanted him to be there, and somewhere deep down, he wanted to be there.

"Congratulations, Riley," he told the brunette as he walked up to the small group. "You were wonderful."

"Thanks, dad," she joked as she gave one of her best friends a hug. "You were great."

"Are you coming tomorrow night, Farkle," Topanga asked.

Farkle saw Maya walk across the stage out of the corner of his eye. She had her hands full with some of the costumes. A few members of the stage crew trailed behind her with some of the chairs used in the play.

"Farkle," Riley asked.

He turned his head back to the group. "I'm sorry. I guess I was distracted."

"It's ok," Topanga chuckled. "I'm sure you're both exhausted. I was asking if you were coming to Riley's party tomorrow night?"

"Absolutely," he nodded, his mind still elsewhere. Maya wouldn't even look at him, let alone talk to him. They hadn't had a real conversation ever since that day at the museum. Was what he told her that bad? They had been dating for months. He was so sure that she felt the same way about him. He was sure that she already knew how he felt. Why did she run away from him? Why did she break up with him? Farkle thought love was supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart.

He looked up at Riley, who also seemed distracted. He didn't need to follow her line of vision in order to know who held her attention. Just the same, he looked across the room and noticed that Lucas was staring straight back at her.

It wasn't fair. Lucas had hurt Riley for months and months, and suddenly, everything was forgotten and forgiven? Meanwhile, he told his girlfriend how he felt—that he loved her-and he was now ostracized for it? None of it made any sense.


	19. Chapter Eighteen

_**A/N: I'm sticking the violence tag on this story. It's on Serendipity, but I know it's a super sensitive topic. Since it's addressed in this chapter, I wanted to warn you all here as well that there are emotional/physical/mental abuse triggers in this story.**_

* * *

Chapter Eighteen

"You're shaking," Maya noted as she watched Riley fly around her bedroom like a crazy person. Clothes were scattered everywhere as the brunette desperately tried to find the perfect outfit for the evening. "Go with the black dress," Maya said as she read her best friend's mind. "It looks amazing on you."

Riley considered it as she walked to her bed to pick up the garment. "Are you sure it's not too much?"

Maya had to stifle a giggle. Was it too much? Probably, but it didn't mean it was anything less than perfect. "I'm pretty sure Lucas isn't going to know what to do when he sees you in it."

Riley glanced down at the other dress laid out on her bed. "So, not the purple?"

Maya shook her head. "The black. Definitely."

"Ok." Riley wandered over to her closet to change her clothes. "Have you talked to Farkle at all?"

"Nope," Maya answered as she popped the 'p'. "I don't want to talk about that. Tonight is your night. It's your 18th birthday."

"Not until midnight," she chuckled. "And I want to talk about you and Farkle. You know I'm worried."

Riley wasn't the only one who was worried about Maya's relationship with Farkle Minkus. It was the only thing that had been on the blonde's mind since the play ended. Even before that, whenever Maya had a spare second to breathe, she thought about him. What was she going to do? She was still confused about everything, but she knew he was growing more and more impatient with her. She needed to figure it out and soon. "I know…which is why I don't want to talk about it tonight. Let's talk about something happier. Like you and Lucas."

"We're going to talk, Maya. We might not get back together."

"Oh please," she exaggerated as she rolled her eyes, "With the way you two were acting around each other on the stage last night, I'm surprised you haven't talked about everything before now…or at the very least…didn't run off to the costume closet to make out."

"That's not funny," Riley called out to her as she adjusted the dress. "There's a lot to talk about, and I have no idea where his mind is at right now. That's why I wanted to wait to talk after the play ended. Sometimes it can get muddled…getting into your character's mind and everything. I wanted to talk to him when I knew he was Lucas and I was Riley." She stepped out of the closet as she continued to twist the lower half of her dress around to get it straightened out.

Maya's eyes widened as she raised her eyebrows. "Holy cow."

"Is it ok?" Riley walked over to her floor-length mirror as she looked at herself.

"I know you love your bright colors, but black looks amazing on you," she gushed. "He's going to die."

Riley adjusted the straps on the v-cut bandage dress before she turned to look at the v-cut on the back of it. "Are you sure this isn't a repeat of what happened in Texas?"

Maya shook her head. "This is dress is definitely all you. How do you feel in it?"

Riley turned back around as she examined herself in the mirror once more. "Confident," she finally said. "Just what I need in order to get through the most important conversation in my life."

* * *

Riley remained downstairs to greet the first several guests who came. It wasn't until the intercom buzzed for the fifth time that she had to excuse herself to get some fresh air on the roof. She knew she would be nervous, but she didn't think that her anxiety would reach heart attack levels every time the doorbell rang. She needed to breathe, she needed to calm her quaking nerves.

She tugged on her white military jacket as the December air tore through her. As she rested her arms on the brick ledge, she tilted her head back to look up at the dark sky above her. She knew that she would be greeted with a starless sky, but she thought that if she let her imagination run away with her for just a moment, somehow she would be transported back to that magical evening on a hilltop in Austin. That night underneath the stars now haunted Riley. If only she could go back to that girl and warn her about everything—convince her to take things slowly with Lucas, advise her to always be honest with him, then maybe she wouldn't be where she was now: on a roof, waiting for him to break her heart—again.

"I knew you'd be up here," a familiar voice floated over to her.

Despite the freezing temperature, Riley felt her cheeks warm and palms begin to perspire as his voice reached her. He came. He was here. They were alone. Was she ready for this? She lowered her head as she craned her neck back to look at him. How was it possible that he always looked better every time she saw him? Even though he wore a heavy black peacoat, it was left unbuttoned, revealing the royal blue button up shirt he wore with black slacks. The top two buttons of the shirt were unbuttoned, leaving him with a slightly more casual look. Riley had always loved that color on him. It was the perfect contrast to his sea-green eyes, which seemed to completely read her every thought. "Hi," she said softly.

"Hey," he replied as he slowly walked towards her. She was a vision. Her hair was halfway pulled back, curled, with a few loose tendrils framing her face. As she turned her body to face him, he noticed the black dress that she wore underneath her unbuttoned coat. He couldn't get a good view of it, but he quickly admired how the dress seemed to hug her curves perfectly. He swallowed harshly as he mentally reminded himself that she wasn't his.

Riley slid her hands into the pockets of her jacket as a light breeze drifted across the rooftop. "You knew I'd be up here?"

He nodded as he took a few steps closer to her. "I'm not sure why, but as soon as I walked into your living room, I knew you weren't there."

She lifted the right corner of her mouth into a smirk. They hadn't been together in months. They hadn't had a real conversation in months, and yet, he still knew her. "I needed a little air."

"Do you…want me to leave?" He knew the whole reason he had been invited was for them to talk about everything that happened between them, but he had just arrived. Was she ready to talk now? Did she need more time to think about everything? Did she want to get back to the party?

"No." She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to get everything sorted out. She wanted nothing more than to lay underneath the blanket of stars that had protected them in Texas. She wanted to feel that safe again.

She shivered as a gust of wind blew across the rooftop. She should've worn a thicker coat, but at the time all she wanted was to get some air and calm her nerves. She had reached for the first coat she saw without even considering how frigid the air was.

Lucas took a few more steps closer to her as he shrugged off his coat. "Here," he said as he held the garment up for her to take.

"You'll freeze," she protested.

"I'm fine," he assured her as he placed his arms around her to drape his coat around her shoulders.

"Thanks," she said softly as she slid her arms into the garment. He was close to her, and this time it was not as a character in a play. This was Lucas Friar standing about a foot away from her—the closest he had been to her in a very long time. She could inhale his cologne. She could reach out and touch him if she wanted to. God, she missed this. She missed him. She slowly craned her neck up to look at him. "D-Do you want to go inside?"

"In a minute." He took a deep breath when he realized just how close he was to her. Besides their brief conversation in the hallway after the first night of the play, they hadn't been alone together since that awful ride to the airport. He knew that he needed to get a little space between them. They needed to talk, and being this close to her again was rendering him speechless. He took steps back from her as he slid his hands into the front pockets of his slacks. He was freezing, but knew he couldn't let on or she would insist on giving him coat back, or worse…suggest they go inside. "Why are you up here?"

"Just thinking," she said as she crossed her arms over her chest.

He looked down. "About next week," he asked softly.

Riley furrowed her eyebrows. "You remember what next week is?"

He nodded before he lifted his gaze to look at her. "Of course I do. It was…one of the worst nights of my life."

Her eyes shifted to the ground. She had tried to put the thought out of her mind, but now that the play was over, Riley suddenly had more free time than she knew what to do with. Hearing the members of the junior class talking about the ski trip made it a lot more difficult to keep her mind off of it.

One year. One year since the junior class ski trip. One year since the night that changed her whole life. One year of insomnia. One year of fighting the darkness that constantly threatened to pull her under. She didn't want to be a victim. It was a daily battle, one that she often won, but lately she felt herself getting tired of pushing, of fighting. Considering everything that happened within the last seven months, she wasn't sure how much more fight she had left in her.

As another breeze spun around them, Riley shook herself out of her thoughts about her ex-boyfriend. She didn't want to talk about him or that night right now. She wasn't quite ready to dive right into the elephant that had stood between them for months either. She needed the familiarity of the casual conversations they used to have. "Uh…I saw the admissions people from Juilliard and Tisch talking to you last night."

"Yeah," he let out a long breath as he looked out across the skyline. He rested his forearms against brick ledge. "That was…unexpected."

"You're telling me," she said as she turned around to look across the skyline with him. "What did they say?"

"Both of them encouraged me to apply…to audition next month."

She was so proud of him. Of course they would ask him to audition. Of course they were interested in him. "Are you going to?"

A smirk formed at the corner of his lips as he looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "Are you? They told me that they planned to speak to you as well."

"Yeah," she let out a long breath. "Theatre. I always thought I would do it while I was in school, but to have that be my concentration…it's a pretty big decision."

Lucas knew Riley. She loved acting. She loved the stage. She was also insecure in her talents. She needed a push. "You're a wonderful actress."

"You're a great actor."

"It wouldn't have happened without you, you know," he turned his head to look at her as he watched her look across the city. Was he going to audition? Maybe. Maybe not. He was still more interested in veterinary medicine, but if there was one thing he had learned over the last year, it was that some opportunities only come around once in a lifetime. He knew he needed to at least think a little more about everything. Was this even real? Was he going to actually have different options on where to go to college? Was he even going to get in anywhere? His grades have always been good—even when he didn't try. He knew that his disciplinary record was colorful at best. Maybe acting was the only path he could take at this point?

He had time to think about it—to consider everything. The auditions were a month away.

"I'm pretty sure your little adventure with Missy Bradford in the principal's car contributed as well." She paused for a moment as she thought about those days. It felt like another lifetime ago. "If it weren't for that, Ms. Thompson wouldn't have recruited you."

"Yeah," he let out a long breath as he remembered the reason why he ended up helping out the theatre department, "But my punishment was to help paint the sets. Acting was never a part of the deal."

"So, why did you?"

"I feel like you already know that answer," he replied truthfully. As he thought back to those days, he remembered how surprised he had been by the effect Riley had on him. He had been so flippant about everything for so long, but she made him second-guess everything. She saw through him, and while it scared him, it also saved him.

Riley nodded. "So, have you thought about…everything?"

Lucas let out a long breath as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a flask. As he unscrewed the cap, he looked at her. "Do you mind?"

Riley shook her head as she reminded herself that he had changed over the last five months. Was he the hardened, cold, careless guy everyone else saw him as? She didn't think so, but Maya was right. He wasn't the same guy he was before he left for Texas last summer. Maybe he was somewhere in the middle. As she watched him take a sip, she bit the inside of her cheek. She had practically sworn off alcohol for the rest of her life after that night in Texas, but her nerves were completely off the charts. Maybe a sip or two would calm her down? "May I have some?" When he raised an eyebrow at her, she mirrored his reaction. "Remember the rules you established about me drinking?"

He slowly nodded.

"Well then," she began as she held her hand out, "If you're drinking, then so am I."

He considered arguing with her over it. She didn't need to drink. He didn't want to be the reason she felt like she had to, but at the same time, it would only make him a hypocrite if he denied her and she was an adult now—or will be at midnight. Maybe she needed to take the edge off a little like he did?

Against his better judgment, he handed her the flask.

Riley took a sip before she started to cough. "What is that?"

"Whiskey."

She placed a hand on her chest as she felt the liquid burn down her throat. "Definitely not like the tequila I had."

He couldn't help but to chuckle at her. Deep down, she was still Riley. "Definitely not."

She turned her attention back to the Texan. "Are you laughing at me?"

He shook his head. "No, Miss Matthews."

"Good." She took another swig of the amber liquor. This time, she took a few gulps before she handed the flask back to him. She still wasn't used to the taste, but it burned less. "I just needed to get used to it is all."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she confirmed as she turned around to lean her back against the railing. She already felt a little more relaxed about their conversation.

Lucas leaned his forearms on the railing as he watched the traffic in front of Riley's apartment building. "And what would your father say if he saw you up here with me on the roof…alone…with alcohol?"

She shrugged casually. She wanted to remain flippant about what her father would think about it. Truthfully, she was inwardly screaming. She didn't want the conversation to turn to him and what he thought. In fact, she didn't want it to turn to what anyone else thought. This was supposed to be about them and what they wanted. She knew she needed to steer the conversation back on track. "Do you really care about all that? I thought this whole thing," she gestured to him, "was because you didn't care what anyone thought anymore."

The smile that had danced across his lips ever since they began their conversation finally fell. "I don't care." He wasn't sure if he was trying to convince her or himself of it. Before their kiss the first night of the play, he knew that he didn't care what anyone else thought. After that moment, he realized that he cared a lot more than he thought was possible. It was like a punch in the gut for him. It was one reason why he sought her out after the play to talk about it all. That kiss told him a lot more than the last five months ever had.

She knew she had him. She had thought about everything, including putting herself into Lucas's shoes. The moment she did that, everything seemed to click for her. She just needed to confirm that everything she was feeling was right. "Then why does it matter what my father thinks?"

He shook his head as he looked away from her and back at the buildings in front of him. "It's not that simple."

"Seems pretty simple to me." She held her hand out. Without saying a word, Lucas handed her the flask. "It's one reason I think this whole thing is an act. I think you care more than ever about what people think of you."

"You're wrong." He clenched his jaw.

Riley took another swig before she continued. He was getting defensive. She knew she was close. "Ok. How about this then?" She looked down at the steel container in her hand. "You care about what people think about _us_."

His head snapped up to look at her.

She raised an eyebrow at him. As their eyes met, Riley knew that what she had suspected was true. It was all an act. It was all to push her away, to prove that he wasn't good enough for her. "You think that everyone around us thinks you don't deserve me. Maybe…maybe even you think that you don't deserve me."

Lucas swallowed as his throat suddenly felt dry. He couldn't speak, think, or breathe as he watched her put the pieces of the last five months together.

"You're wrong," she said before she took another sip.

"Am I," he challenged as he leaned back to stand up. "What are you doing right now?" As Riley lowered the flask, he slid his hands in his pockets. "You never touched alcohol before you met me. You got drunk in Texas and you're drinking right now. We haven't even discussed anything that serious yet."

"It's not because of you. God…Lucas, do you honestly think that I can't think for myself? That someone can just appear in my life and change everything without me wanting them to?" She held up the flask as she wordlessly asked him if he wanted a sip.

Lucas took the flask from her as he took a long swig. "You're better than that," he finally told her.

"You have always had me on this pedestal, Lucas. For some reason, you have set all of these impossible standards that no one could ever possibly live up to! I've made mistakes. I've made a lot of them lately. I've made a lot of them before you, and I know that I'm going to continue to screw up time and time again, but I'm human. I'm not some perfect angel who never does anything wrong."

"You are. You had a great life before me."

"Really?" Her eyes widened as she felt a fire spark from within her. "What about Charlie? Huh? Three years of my life with him. And no…he never hit me before I met you, but he controlled my whole life…and no one saw it. Yeah, Maya didn't like him. Maya was starting to catch on, but no one…no one in my world…saw how manipulated…how emotionally and mentally abused I was…but you did." She paused as she remembered how Lucas used to challenge Charlie at every turn. "You saw it so quickly. You challenged me so quickly to leave him, to be strong." She reached for his flask. "You gave me the strength to leave him."

"Yeah?" He knew he shouldn't say what he was about to, but he had to. He needed her to know everything that was on his mind before they could talk about how they felt now. "Look what happened to you, Riley. He beat the shit out of you. He almost raped you!" And he wasn't there. He wasn't there to protect her. He should have gone with Farkle to walk the girls to the lodge. He should have waited outside the cabin after he changed his clothes instead of going with Zay to the main lodge. Lucas had so much regret about that night. There were so many things he could have done to thwart Charlie's plans. If he had known, even suspected, that Charlie had previously laid a hand on Riley, he wouldn't have let her out of his sight. But he didn't know. He didn't think that Charlie's emotional abuse extended to physical abuse. He didn't see Riley's bruises. He didn't know to look for them. He should have seen the signs. He should have known. As a victim himself, Lucas should have seen it.

"He would have raped me!" Her hands shook as memories of that night came rushing back to her. "He was on top of me. He was pulling my shirt up. He was telling me exactly what he had planned for me. I could have passed out. He had already slammed my head down. I was completely out of it. I could've laid there…closed my eyes…and let him do exactly what he wanted." She threw her hands up in the air as she allowed herself to relive that night. "Why not? He had completely broken me emotionally…mentally. Why not give him my body too, right?" She shook her head. "I grabbed Maya's boot. I hit him as hard as I could. I got away. I fought back, Lucas. I fought to reclaim my life." She took a step closer to him. "I learned how to do that from you. Don't you understand that? You think you're the reason Charlie beat me? You aren't. You should know by now that he was going to find a way to do whatever he wanted."

The anger in her voice dissipated as she reached her hand up to turn his face toward her. She needed him to look at her, to understand for once and for all exactly what his presence had done for her. "You're the reason I fought back. You're the reason why I got out of there. You're why I found my voice, Lucas. So don't tell me that I had a great life before you." She lowered her hand from his chin. "Was it less complicated? Yes. Was it great? No." She looked down at the flask for a moment before she took another swig. She needed the confidence to get the rest of her speech out. "It was only great when we were together." When he didn't react to her words, she felt her heart lurch, but knew she needed to finish. "If you want to listen to anyone when it comes to your influence on me, listen to me. No one else down there matters. Not when it comes to this." She chewed on her bottom lip as the silence between them consumed them. She swallowed. She had no idea what was about to transpire between them, but she knew that either way, she wouldn't be stuck in her self-imposed purgatory anymore.

"All I know," she continued, "Is that…I love you. Lucas, I don't know if what you said on stage last night…when you called me Riley instead of Emily…I don't know if it was just a slip or if…or if you really meant it. I know what I'm hoping for. I know that I'm prepared to fight every one of your insecurities in order to be with you, but I need to know if you are willing to do the same."

* * *

Maya had no idea where Riley was. There were so many people in the Matthews' living room that she couldn't tell who was who anymore. She tried to scan the room for her missing best friend, but between the people shuffling around, she had no idea if any of them were the birthday girl.

"Found her yet," a voice from behind her asked as Maya noticed a cup of punch being handed to her. She turned her head and smiled. "Hey Josh."

"Hey," he smiled.

"No," Maya sighed. "I don't know where she went off to."

"Well, let's not panic yet," he said as he scanned the congested area around them. He was surprised his brother would ever agree to have this many people in his living room. Josh never considered himself to be a claustrophobic, but there had to be about a hundred teenagers in the Matthews' living room. "Give it a few more minutes then we'll break off and search for her."

"You're right." _'He always seems to be right,'_ Maya mused. "So," she began as she turned her attention toward Riley's uncle, "How have you been?"

"Pretty rough," he chuckled half-heartedly. "I don't know if you know or not, but Charlotte and I broke up."

She had heard. Riley told her as soon as Josh texted her about it. Maya still wasn't quite sure how she felt about the whole thing. Josh was her first crush. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't a little curious about it. The whole situation with Farkle had taken a toll on her, and she hadn't come any closer in figuring out how she felt. Maybe that fact in and of itself gave her the answer she needed. If she hadn't figured out her feelings by now, after months of turmoil, maybe she didn't love him in that way? As the song changed on the stereo, she brought herself back to her present conversation. "Oh, I'm sorry about that, Josh. What happened?"

He shrugged as he sipped his punch. He had to ask himself that same question several times over the last several weeks. What had happened? What had changed so much between him and Charlotte that they didn't feel the same way toward one another anymore? "We were just so different. We ended it on good terms and everything, but we were together for almost two years…so it's going to take some time in order to really move on from it."

Maya nodded as she felt herself search the room for her pseudo ex-boyfriend. "Yeah, I'm going through something similar right now."

"You and Farkle?"

She nodded once more.

"Wow. I figured you two would've been together forever." Josh had to admit that he was surprised that the blonde and her boyfriend seemed to be on the outs. They had known one another for most of their lives. He knew from Riley that they had walked into their relationship with their eyes wide open. They would have to in order to risk losing their nearly life-long friendship. He hated that things seemed to be going south for them.

She turned to face the brunette. "Why?"

"Because even though I haven't been around much the last few years, I know how he looks at you. And I know you, Maya. You wouldn't have risked a friendship like that if you didn't think something would come out of it." He took another sip of the punch. "So, why did you two break up?"

Across the crowded room, Farkle grit his teeth together. Maya. With Josh. Maya's first love. He had heard the blonde talk about Riley's uncle for years. She always gushed over how mature he was, how cute he was, how some day she would be Riley's aunt. He swallowed as he watched them inch closer to one another as they continued their conversation.

' _So this is what jealousy feels like,'_ he thought to himself as his legs began to bring him closer to the pair. He didn't want to interrupt them, to cause a scene, but he felt something stir within him. It was an emotion he hadn't quite experienced before, and therefore, wasn't sure how to control it.

"What's going on here," he asked when he finally reached them. He didn't care what Josh thought about his presence. He only cared about what she thought. She had been hiding from him for too long. The play was over. Yes, this was Riley's birthday party, but Riley was nowhere to be found. Farkle needed to talk to Maya. Tonight. Now.

"Nothing," Maya answered.

"Can we talk?"

Maya rubbed her forehead. She didn't want to do this here, tonight. She still had no idea what to say to him. Should she let him go? Maybe, because she hadn't figured out her own feelings in the last few months, but every time she thought about finally ending things with him, it felt like someone had suddenly turned off all the lights in her world. She couldn't see anything, and that scared her more than anything else. She knew what he wanted to hear, but she still didn't know if she felt the same way about him. "Can we wait? Just a little longer?"

"No," he told her. "I've waited for months, Maya. I want to talk."

"And I don't," she retorted as she detected the demand in his tone. She couldn't blame him for his frustration, but she didn't want to be pushed any further than she already was.

"So, you can talk to him," he gestured to Josh, "But you can't spend five minutes alone with me…you can't tell me face to face that it's over, can you?"

Maya remained quiet. Now wasn't the time. Why was he acting like this? Yes, she had been avoiding him, but to confront her at Riley's birthday party?!

"Fine. I'll do it for you. I'll be the bad guy. I have been this whole time, right? I told you how I felt. I gave my heart to you, and that makes me the bad guy." When she still refused to speak, he scoffed. "It's done, Maya. We're done." He clenched his fists as he turned to walk away from her—from the woman he had loved for most of his life. Until a few months ago, he didn't realize what that love had meant. How ironic was it that as soon as he realized what she really meant to him, he would lose her.

He walked into the kitchen and leaned on the kitchen counter as he watched Maya and Josh resume their conversation. Farkle felt his anger continue to boil. She let him walk away without a word. It was so easy for her to drop him and to move on, while he was dying inside. He clenched his jaw.

"You ok," Jordan asked as he and Zay walked up to the genius.

"Farkle, if you stare any harder, you're going to burn a hole through them," Zay said as he followed his line of vision to Maya and Josh.

"Good," Farkle mumbled. She wouldn't even look in his direction. Maybe if she shot one glance his way, he would find some hope for them. When she didn't, and in fact, moved further into the crowd to make it harder for Farkle to watch them, he gripped the counter behind him. His logic was quickly fading as he found himself sinking further into the anger and jealousy that was now overpowering the rest of his senses.

"What," Jordan asked.

"It figures, right," Farkle sneered as he tore his eyes away from Maya to look at the guys. "I tell my girlfriend that I love her and she breaks up with me. I try to talk to her about it, try to figure out why that was such a bad thing to say, and she refuses to speak to me. What did I do wrong?!"

"Nothing," Jordan assured him. It was hard watching his friend suffer for months over his estranged girlfriend. He had heard Maya's side of things from Riley, but as Jordan watched the anger consume the normally level headed genius, he couldn't help but to sympathize with him. "You did nothing wrong. You told her how you felt. That's all you can do. Sometimes, it doesn't work out."

"It should have." He confessed his love. She should have told him the same thing. They should be together now, trying to figure out their future together, but no. He was on the outside looking in. All because he dared to tell the woman he loved how he felt. "So now, not only have I lost my girlfriend, but now I lost one of my best friends."

"What are you going to do," Zay asked.

Farkle turned back to the pair just as he saw Maya laugh at something Josh said. It felt like a white-hot poker had been shoved down his throat. He hadn't seen Maya laugh like that in months. It was too much for him. Could she not see what she was doing to him? Did his words to her mean nothing? He needed some air. "I need some space before I do something I know I'll regret."


	20. Chapter Nineteen

_**A/N: Again, I have placed a trigger warning on this story for violence. And thank you guys for all of the feedback on this story. It's been quite incredible. I hope you continue to enjoy it.**_

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Chapter Nineteen

Initially, Lucas wanted to be completely sober when he talked to Riley. After he got dressed, he realized that he wouldn't be able to take a step toward her apartment without a little bit of courage. It would be too easy to run, to hide, from everything. He was comfortable with that. It was the way he had lived for most of his life, but he didn't want to do that anymore. Allowing himself to pretend for a few nights that she was his made him realize even more how much he had missed her. He had very valid reasons for pushing her away, and even though all of those insecurities still dwelled within him, he knew that he needed to be as open with her as he could be with how he really felt.

So he had a drink.

Then he had another.

Truthfully, his inhibitions were already lifted by the time he reached her on the rooftop. He needed them to be. He didn't want to hide from her any longer. He convinced himself that he needed to drink before he saw her in order to tell her what had been on his mind without censoring himself. After she confessed that she loved him, he wasn't sure if he had dreamt it or if it had actually happened.

"Are you," she asked again. "Are you willing to fight yourself and all of your insecurities in order to be with me?" Her eyes searched his features as she desperately looked for a sign of encouragement from him. "Do you even…want to be with me?"

Lucas looked at the city skyline as he tried to process her question. Maybe he had done his job too well. For the last five months, he had managed to convince her that he didn't want to be with her, that he didn't love her. Maybe he was a decent actor. Maybe her own insecurities finally overtook the part of her who knew him better than he knew himself. As he slowly turned to face her, he knew he couldn't run from it anymore.

When her eyes met his, he knew he didn't want to.

"When I kissed you the first night of the play, I meant it," he confessed. His brain screamed at him to stop, to get off the roof, to run away from her, but his heart wouldn't let him. He needed to tell her. She deserved to know the truth. "I looked into your eyes, and I couldn't look away. And…I thought back to _'Romeo and Juliet'._ We weren't together at the time. I wasn't even sure how you felt about me, but when we were on stage, we were other people. I could kiss you as myself…not as another character…and it was ok, because everyone else thought that it was all part of the act. I had put myself through hell for the last five months. I was doing what I thought was right this whole time, and I was completely miserable…so, I guess I thought it would be safe if I gave in to what I wanted on stage." He searched her eyes for a reaction—any indication as to how she felt about his confession. When they offered none, he continued. "My heart caught my mind in a moment of weakness, and I caved. When you said that you had always been George's, I allowed myself a moment to pretend that you were speaking to me. And then…I reacted. I kissed you." He slid his hands out of his pockets. "I kissed you as myself. Not as George. Not even when I was Romeo. Every time I've kissed you, it's been as Lucas."

Riley's heart began to pound as she hung on every word he said. He kissed her as himself? Their moment together that she had written off as being part of the act was actually real? She swallowed. She was afraid to move, to blink, to look away from him. She was scared that if she did, she would wake up. This couldn't possibly be real.

"And then yesterday…" he took a deep breath, "When I said your name instead of Emily's. I meant that too." He took a step closer to her. "I love you, Riley. I haven't stopped in the last five months…not even for a moment. I tried to. I tried to forget. I convinced myself that I wasn't worthy of you…that I was changing you into someone else…someone you weren't. I thought that pushing myself away from you was what was best for you."

She trembled as he reached for her hands to hold in his own. "I'm broken," he continued as he intertwined her fingers with his. "I'm a screw up. You can do so much better than me. You know now that I'm completely self-destructive."

When he looked down at their joined hands, Riley felt the oxygen return to her lungs. When she felt him gently squeeze her hands, she realized that this wasn't a dream. He was actually standing in front of her, professing his love for her. Her brain quickly began to process everything he had said. She knew she needed him to understand who he really was. "Y-You weren't like that with me until you let everyone else get into your head." She pulled her hands away from his in order to place them on either side of his head. She stared into his eyes as all of the pain and anguish of the last five months stared back at her. "What matters is us. We were happy. We were so happy, Lucas…because we were together. I'm better when I'm with you. I'm happy when I'm with you."

"I don't want you to be afraid of me," he confessed as he felt his eyes water. It had always been his greatest fear. The moment he detected that fear in her was what finally pushed him over the edge five months ago. The step back she took from him, the look on her face, as he confessed his worst secret still haunted him. "I never want you to think that I'm like Charlie…or like how my dad was," he took a shaky breath, "or even how I was before I came here…or," he whispered, "even how I've been the last several months."

"That's not who you are," she said softly as she rubbed his cheek with her thumb. She knew it was an act. She knew that wasn't who he was.

A tear slipped out of the corner of his right eye as he felt the rest of his defenses crumble. He had never felt as safe with anyone as he did with her in that moment, and he was so scared to lose it—to lose her. "What if it is?"

She wiped away the fallen tear from his cheek as she swallowed back the rush of tears that threatened to fall from her own eyes. "It's not." She leaned in closer to him. Her eyes fluttered closed as she brushed her lips against his.

She knew that they had more to discuss and figure out, but at that moment, she needed him close. There were some things that couldn't be defined by words. She wanted to comfort him, to assure him that he was worth it. He was worth the love they shared. She also needed him to show her that she was worth it, too. She needed to know that he loved her just as much as she loved him.

As she began to pull back from him, Lucas wrapped his arms around her lower back as his lips eagerly sought to claim hers. He needed to feel her soft, warm lips against his. He needed to feel every fiber of love that was between them. They had been apart from one another for so long. He had allowed the world to dictate their relationship when he should have fought harder, stronger, for her.

Riley slid her hands toward the back of his neck as she brought him closer to her. His kiss felt so familiar, like coming home, but at the same time, it sent a jolt of electricity flowing through her veins. It was easily the greatest feeling in the world. She felt herself melt into him as his right hand slid up her back to support her as he pulled her even closer to him.

"I'm sorry," he said as he forced himself to detach his lips from hers. The moment was perfect. She was perfect, but he had to tell her. She had to know.

"Why," she asked breathlessly.

He paused for a moment before he lowered his head to bury it in her neck. His voice was thick when he finally spoke. "I should have fought harder for us."

Riley looked up at the starless sky above them as she felt the rush of tears form in her eyes. Was she finally going to let them go? Were they finally free to fall after months of captivity? "Lucas—"

He let out a ragged breath. "You had so much faith in me…in us. I thought I did too. I thought…I thought that we could get through it. And t-then I got that call from your father…"

Riley brought her hand up to gently rub the back of his neck. "I'm sorry I lied. I never…I never wanted to, but I knew that if I told you that I ran away…that my parents didn't know where I was…I knew you'd send me back. All I wanted…all I needed…was you…and I couldn't…God…I missed you so much." She took a small step back so she could look at his face.

Tears swam in his eyes as Lucas lifted his head to look at her. "I missed you so much," his voice quaked. "I'm sorry how I reacted. I'm sorry I made you get on that plane without telling you how much I loved you. I should have fought harder, Riley. I should have gotten on that plane with you. I should have held your hand the whole time. We should have talked to your father, together. Maybe then things wouldn't have gotten so screwed up."

Riley ran a hand through his hair as a soft smile formed on her face. "I love you."

Despite the intensity of the moment, Lucas returned her smile with one of his own. She could light up the darkest of rooms, and none had been darker than the one he locked himself up in for the last five months. Was he finally allowed to come into the light? Was he finally allowed to be happy? "I love you, too. More than you'll ever know." He pulled her back to him as his lips descended on hers. He needed this. He needed her. There was nothing they couldn't face, together. They still had so much to talk about, but all of that could come later. They were together. Despite every mistake, every miscommunication, somehow, they found their way back to one another.

"Well, isn't that a perfect sight," Farkle interrupted as the rooftop door slammed closed behind him. He thought escaping to the rooftop would allow him a few moments to calm the barrage of emotions that threatened to erupt, but he should have known that he wouldn't be alone. Riley had been missing from her own party for the last twenty minutes. Farkle knew that she had invited the Texan. He was so preoccupied with the image of Maya and Josh together that Farkle failed to connect the pieces of the puzzle as far as Riley and Lucas were concerned.

Riley and Lucas reluctantly pulled apart from one another when they realized that they were no longer alone. Lucas turned his back to Farkle as he quickly wiped away the two tears that had slid down his cheeks during the kiss with Riley.

"Farkle?" Riley took a step toward him. She could immediately sense that something was wrong with him. His eyebrows were furrowed. His jaw was clenched. She had known the genius for eleven years and had never seen him look so tense. "What are you doing up here?"

"I needed to get away…get some air. I didn't realize this roof was already occupied." He didn't need this right now. He didn't want to talk to anyone, let alone catch one of his best friends on the roof making out with her ex-boyfriend. Were they sneaking around behind everyone's backs? Were they going to ask him to keep it quiet? Farkle was fed up with all of the secrets and lies. He was fed up with seeing everyone else around him get exactly what they wanted by doing the wrong thing, while he had done everything right and ended up broken-hearted. It wasn't fair.

"It's fine," Lucas said as he turned around to face his estranged friend. He may not have known Farkle for as long as Riley had, but Lucas immediately picked up on the irritable demeanor that seemed to have engulfed him. "Hey, Farkle."

Farkle narrowed his eyes at the couple as Lucas took a step forward to stand next to Riley. "So, you two are back together, right?"

Riley and Lucas exchanged a glance at one another before they looked back at Farkle. "We're talking," Riley answered. She figured that would be the most diplomatic answer. Had they admitted their feelings for one another? Yes. Had they implicitly stated that they were getting back together? Not yet. She figured that it was heading that way, but wasn't about to put that kind of pressure on their potential reconciliation.

Farkle scoffed as a flash of Maya and Josh 'talking' flashed through his mind. Talking. Conversation. That was all he wanted from Maya, but after two months, he barely got so much as a 'hello' from her. Meanwhile, Joshua Matthews just shows up and she suddenly has all the time in the world to talk to him. "Yeah…seems to be a lot of talking going on around here."

Lucas frowned. The guy standing across from him wasn't the guy he knew. Granted, staying away from Riley for the last several months meant avoiding her circle of friends, so he wasn't exactly sure what was going on with any of them. "What are you getting at?"

"I don't get it." He stepped closer to the pair, his angry finally boiling over. "I have done nothing but treat Maya how she deserves to be treated. We've known each other forever. I took her to every art exhibit I could think of. We spent hours at every museum in the city. We laughed. We didn't fight. We were perfect…" He paused until he finally reached the perplexed couple before him. "Until I told her how I felt. Apparently, that was my mistake. A mistake that cost me my girlfriend…the girl I've loved for practically my entire life. And just now, I forced myself to watch her talk to the guy that she apparently has been in love with her whole life."

Riley was confused. The last time Maya said anything to her about the Farkle situation, she claimed that she was still confused about everything. She thought for sure that Farkle would know that. As painful as waiting is, wouldn't he want her to figure it out? And what was this about her talking to someone else? Riley tried to wrack her brain. There was only one other person who Farkle could possibly be referring to. "Maya's talking to Josh?"

"I'm right, right," Farkle asked as he clenched his fists. "She does love him. He ignores her for most of her life and she loves him in return. Meanwhile, I love her for just as long, and she breaks up with me when I tell her."

"You need to talk to her," Riley advised. She wished she knew what else to say to him to help him. She could tell that it was killing him. Riley knew very well how it felt. Her conversation with Lucas proved to her that as hard as it may be; sometimes you need to talk to the person you love to gain some peace and clarity about the situation.

"Don't you think I've tried," he practically yelled at her. "She doesn't want to talk to me!" His frustration was quickly amplifying. He couldn't believe everything that was happening all around him. How was he the bad guy? All he did was share how he felt. Why was he being ostracized? "How…how come I say how I feel and I get dumped…meanwhile guys like Josh and _you_ ," he sneered as he turned his attention to Lucas, "can treat Maya and Riley like shit for months…years even…and they continue to love and pine over you!" He was sick of it. He watched Riley completely spiral downward when Lucas dumped her. He watched as Josh rejected Maya time and time again. Yet, both girls still only wanted to be with them. Neither guy deserved either girl. Someone needed to tell them all that. Someone needed to have the guts to tell the truth.

"You don't know what you're talking about." Somewhere in the back of Lucas's inebriated state, he knew that Farkle was projecting his own situation onto him and Riley, but an even bigger part of Lucas, the part that wanted to protect his reconciliation with Riley, wanted nothing more than for the genius to shut up. Farkle had no idea how complicated his relationship with Riley was.

"I don't," Farkle shouted as he took a step closer to Lucas. He was done pretending that everything was ok. He was done trying to sugar coat the reality of what happened. He knew that he was risking his friendship with one of his best friends, but at that moment, he didn't care. The truth needed to come out, and if neither of them were willing to do it, he would. "Do you even know what happened when she got back from her trip to Texas?"

"Farkle," Riley warned. "Please, don't." What was going on with him? The Maya situation was taking a toll on him, but did that mean that he had the right to try and destroy whatever she and Lucas were?

He ignored her as he continued to glare at Lucas. The small shred of logic that remained in him knew that he should quit while he was ahead. He knew that he should apologize and leave Riley and Lucas to whatever they were doing.

But he wasn't thinking logically. He was hurt. He had been hurt for months. Lucas needed to know the truth even though Farkle knew it would hurt him. Farkle hoped that it would hurt him. As much as Lucas had hurt Riley, if Farkle could inflict even a fraction of that amount of pain on him, then maybe Lucas would realize the damage he had done to the brunette. "Do you know that she's medicated now?" He waited until he saw Lucas's eyebrows lift in surprise before he continued. "She has to take a pill in order to go to sleep. When she wakes up, she has to take Xanax in order to get through the day."

"Xanax," Lucas asked as he turned his head toward Riley. Hurt flashed across his eyes when she looked away from him. "Is that true?"

"Oh, so we're still keeping secrets," Farkle asked as his eyes moved to the embarrassed brunette. He knew he should stop. None of this was Riley's fault, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't see anything clearly anymore. "Haven't you learned anything, Riley?"

"Shut up," she told him quietly as she looked at the ground. Was he really trying to destroy any chance at happiness for them? Was he trying to punish them for reconciling while Maya continued to ignore him? Couldn't he see that he was hurting them? Couldn't he see that he was humiliating her? Riley had always stood by Farkle. Why was he doing this?

Farkle studied her face for a moment before he noticed one of the lights reflecting off of a steel tin on the ledge. It only took Farkle a moment to see what the item was. "You've been drinking." He turned to Lucas. Alcohol. Of course. As if neither of them learned from the last time Riley drank alcohol. "She's taking Xanax and sleeping pills...and you're giving her alcohol?"

Riley needed to end this before things got worse. "Farkle, I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

"Clearly," he replied sarcastically before he turned his attention back to the Texan. "Can't you understand what you've done to her? She's finally starting to move on and you can't let that happen, can you? You just had to entrap her again…so you can emotionally manipulate her even more."

"Farkle, stop!" Riley didn't recognize the guy who stood in front of her. He wasn't the guy she grew up with. He wasn't one of her best friends. He was a complete stranger to her now. "I think you need to go."

"Oh no," he chuckled. "You wanted me here tonight, remember Riley? You wanted me to see Maya and Josh together so I would finally get the idea and leave her alone, right?"

"Farkle, I don't know what's going on with Maya and Josh." She wasn't sure what was upsetting her more: Farkle's sudden need to tell Lucas about her emotional state when she got back from Texas or that he thought that she would purposefully try to hurt him—that she knew that something was going on between Josh and Maya.

He didn't believe her. If any rationality remained in him, he would have believed every word. Riley would never hurt him—not like that, but he was so upset that he couldn't see straight. His whole world was crashing around him. "You're her best friend. I'm sure you've talked all about it." He took another step toward Lucas. "Did you know that Riley's back in therapy too?"

Lucas cut his eyes to Riley. She had closed her eyes as her face scrunched up in pain. Lucas looked back at Farkle. He was hurting her. Lucas had been trying to remain calm; to allow Farkle to say what he needed to, so he could resume his own conversation with Riley, but when Lucas saw the pain on her face, he felt his own need to protect her rise. She didn't deserve any of this. Farkle needed to back off. Lucas let out a long breath to calm his steadily growing frustration. He knew the alcohol that coursed through his system wasn't helping to satiate the demons that were now screaming at him to protect her by any means necessary. "No."

Farkle could tell that Lucas was growing frustrated with the conversation. He didn't care to stop it. Lucas needed to know everything before they decided to jump back into a relationship or whatever they were before. "She is. She started going shortly after she came back from Texas." He leaned in closer to Lucas as months of resentment flowed from him. "You got her so fucked up that she told everyone she needed to go."

"Please, stop," Riley begged.

Farkle wasn't about to stop. He knew he was provoking Lucas. Truthfully, it was what he wanted. He knew that this new (or old) version of Lucas was always looking for any reason to get into a fight. Farkle knew he would get pounded, but he didn't care at the moment. All he wanted was to forget the sight of Maya and Josh laughing without a care in the world. Besides, Lucas didn't deserve Riley. He wasn't there when she fell apart. He ignored her. He refused to speak to her for months. He betrayed her, and Farkle knew a thing or two about betrayal now. "It's probably because you fucked her then broke up with her."

Riley's eyes widened. She never told Farkle what happened in Texas. She only ever told Maya. She turned to Lucas. "Lucas, I—"

"What a wonderful guy," Farkle laughed. "Let's be honest now. You got what you wanted…what you were after from the moment you met her. Then, when you finally got it…you dumped her. Then you basically tortured her for months with your indifference. And then…all of a sudden…when she finally starts to move on with a nice guy…you decide that you want your toy back. So you start to screw with her mind again." Was it harsh? Yes. Was it the truth? Farkle didn't know or even care to know at the moment. All he saw was red. All he saw was the pain that he had to watch Riley go through for months. All he felt was the pain he was going through now because the person he was in love with treated him almost exactly like how Lucas treated Riley.

"You need to stop right now," Lucas growled, his unexpressed rage barely hanging on by a thread. He didn't want to fight him, but he was struggling to control the demons who raged within him. Who was this guy to tell him how he felt about Riley? Who was he to talk about her like that?

"I'm only getting started. You manipulated the entire play just so you can emotionally manipulate her. You kiss her. You tell her you love her. And now you're both up here…drinking and making out without a care in the world." He glanced at Riley. "Don't you understand what he's doing? He's screwing with you again! He's going to break your heart…again! It's what he does!" His crazed eyes turned back to Lucas as he continued to address the brunette. "You've gone from one type of abusive relationship to another." He leaned in to whisper in Lucas's ear. "You're just like Charlie," he sneered loud enough to make sure both of them heard him.

Lucas pushed Farkle back as he felt his rage bubble up toward the surface. He needed to get away from his former best friend before he completely lost control. Lucas clenched his fists as his eyes darkened. "One more word," he snarled, "and I swear I'll-"

"You'll what? Hit me like you hit your ex-girlfriend? Hit me like you'll hit Riley one day?" He took three steps to stand directly in front of Lucas once more. "If doing this will prevent you from laying a hand on her, then let's go." He watched as Lucas's eyes slowly wandered over to Riley. Farkle knew that one word, one look from Riley would calm him down. He wasn't about to give Lucas that chance. "Let me make it easier." He pulled his fist back and swung.

As Farkle's fist connected with his jaw, Lucas felt the last shred of his sanity snap. He wasn't sure if it was the punch, the alcohol, the provocation, or his own issues and insecurities that Farkle had been tap dancing on for the last five minutes. It was probably a combination of all of the above, but everything finally came to a head. Lucas spit out the blood that had pooled in his mouth as he turned his head around to glare at his attacker. Nothing could pull him back from the darkness now. If Farkle wanted a fight, Lucas was more than willing to give him just that.

As he finally succumbed to his demons' demands, he heard Riley's voice somewhere off in the distance screaming his name to stop.

But it was too late.


	21. Chapter Twenty

_**A/N: Again, trigger warnings for violence, claustrophobia, anxiety.**_

 _ **Also, thank you ALL for the feedback from the last chapter, positive and not so positive. I do take every review to heart, so thank you for taking the time to give it to me.**_

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Chapter Twenty

 _Rage: a strong feeling of anger that is difficult to control; a sudden expression of violent anger_

The next thing Lucas remembered was Riley's Uncle Josh and her father taking his arms and pulling him off of Farkle. Lucas took several deep breaths as he tried to take in his surroundings. What had just happened? Dread began to overtake him as he scanned the handful of people who were on the roof. Jordan stood there with his mouth open, complete shock etched across his features. Zay had his arms folded across his chest. He seemed slightly surprised by the incident, but not as surprised as Jordan appeared to be. Josh and Cory held him in place as Lucas heard his history teacher call out to Zay to get a first aid kit. Lucas swallowed before he looked down at Farkle. The future valedictorian was propped up against the skylight. Maya was crouched down next to him. The rooftop would have been dead silent were it not for the cries erupting from the blonde as she tried to survey the damage done to her ex-boyfriend. Lucas felt as if he was in a haze as he looked at his former best friend's bloodied face. His right eye was swollen shut and blood was pouring from his nose. Maya desperately tried to stop the bleeding as she helped Farkle tilt his head back. Lucas wasn't sure what else he had done to him.

His whole body suddenly felt sore, as if he had been beat by a sledgehammer. He could taste the blood in his mouth and while he could open both eyes, the soreness he felt from his left eye from the simple act of blinking told him that he would at least end up with a black eye.

As the fog began to clear from his mind, Lucas tried to remember what happened. It was just like the time back in Texas when he accidentally hit Jessica. Lucas still couldn't remember what happened then. He searched his brain, but all he could remember was lunging at Farkle and hearing Riley scream his name.

Riley.

He didn't want to turn around to look at her. He knew exactly what he would be hit with when he did, but as he continued to survey the damage he had, once again, inflicted on another human being, he realized that this was it. This was the smoking gun for any chance of a future relationship with her. He swallowed harshly. _'Please,'_ he screamed inwardly at himself as he turned his head toward her. _'Not her.'_ He wasn't sure if he could handle it if he had somehow hurt her too.

Her wide eyes stared at Farkle as a mixture of shock and horror danced across her features. He noticed that her fists were balled up so tightly that her knuckles were pure white. Her mouth had fallen open slightly as she took in the scene in front of her. Tears swam in her eyes, but none fell as she slowly shifted her gaze to look into Lucas's eyes.

When her distraught eyes landed on his, Lucas felt all of the oxygen in the world suddenly disappear. He couldn't breathe. In a thousand lifetimes, in a million nightmares, he never thought she could look at him any worse that she did in Texas the day he told her what he did to Jessica. As their eyes met, he was hit with the reality that the way she looked at him justified every single move he had made in the last several months to push her away. He was a monster. He was too violent, too broken to be with her. She knew it now. Everyone who loved her saw it now. It was over. They were over.

"What's going on," Cory's frantic voice asked the group as he continued to hold Lucas's right arm. He looked to his daughter. "Riley. What happened?"

Riley closed her mouth as she continued to stare at the Texan. She opened it to answer her father, but as she tried to verbalize what had just taken place-what she was a witness to-no sound came out. She clenched her aching fists even tighter as the memories of the last few minutes replayed in her mind.

Everything she knew, everything she believed about the guy she had loved for a year slowly dissipated as she stared at the stranger before her. She tried once more to speak, to make a noise, show any sign of life, but once more, words failed her—the capacity to make a noise failed her. She felt frozen as the stranger before her wore the face of the man she loved. A hundred different emotions were flowing through her traumatized body as she desperately tried to process everything that she had just witnessed.

When she failed to answer him, Cory grew even more concerned. She was always his first priority, but Lucas and Farkle were both bloodied, and he had no idea what happened or what to do next. This was completely new territory for him. He wanted to give the guy he held back the benefit of the doubt that it was all a misunderstanding, but at the same time, he knew what he had witnessed when Josh and he ran up to the roof. Lucas was hovering over Farkle. He had gripped his shirt in order to hold Farkle in place as he punched him repeatedly. Jordan and Zay were desperately trying to pull Lucas away from the genius while Maya was screaming for help and Riley stood completely frozen at the sight.

Maya leaned her head against the side of Farkle's as she whispered to him. "Are you ok?"

He was conscious, but just barely as he leaned in to her. His whole body felt sore. He knew he was covered in blood, some of it his, some of it Lucas's. It wasn't until Lucas had stopped hitting him that Farkle realized the gravity of the situation that he willingly and eagerly provoked. Before his history teacher and rival came to break up the fight, the adrenaline, the anger of the moment felt like a natural high. His unexpressed rage over the last few months had finally been released. Clearly, he had lost the fight, but for some strange reason, he felt better. He was able to hold his own in the bout with his former best friend, but at the same time, he knew that it was a dumb move.

"Zay and I got up here only a few seconds before you did," Jordan offered as he walked around the group to get closer to Riley. All color had drained from her face and Jordan was convinced that she was one soft breeze away from being knocked completely over. "Are you ok," he asked softly.

Riley didn't hear his question as she felt the entire world spinning quickly underneath her. Lucas. _Her_ Lucas. The guy who had saved her from the darkness—from the violence that threatened to kill her spirit. The guy who gave her hope, love, and everything good in this world was not the same guy who stood in front of her now. He couldn't be. It didn't make any sense. He was her salvation from a world like this.

Yes, she knew about his past. She had heard all the stories. He had told her about them, warned her about that side of himself. She knew about the incident with Jessica. She knew that he had sent a guy to the hospital. She knew that he got into a fight with one of the other seniors several weeks back.

But still, hearing those stories and actually seeing him like that was the difference between night and day. As she stared into his emerald eyes, she realized that she could never look at him in the same way again. He wasn't some prince coming to rescue her from the darkness because he was in the darkness as well. He was a victim. He was an attacker. He had been trapped in this dark world for far longer and far deeper than she had ever been. He had experienced both sides of it. She thought he was the light in her world, but as she took in the scene before her, she realized that she had never been more wrong in her life. She wanted to look away from him. She wanted to run away from the rooftop and all of the memories of the last five minutes. She wanted to go back in time and try harder to stop everything before it happened.

"Maya," Josh asked as he glanced at the group around him. She was the only other person capable of filling in some of the missing pieces.

She turned her tear stained face to look at him. "I-I came up here to find…to find F-Farkle…to tell him," she stopped to swallow back the sob that threatened to pour out of her. "I heard Riley before I even opened the door. Heard her screaming for them to stop. I opened the door and saw…" she sniffed as she turned her head back to Farkle, whose eye was rapidly swelling. "They were fighting. Farkle punched him. Lucas hit him back. Farkle missed. Lucas…h-h-he picked…" she closed her eyes as the memory nearly took her breath away. Another tear slid down her cheek as she opened her eyes. "Lucas…slammed…him to the ground. Then…h-he got on top of him and started…started swinging."

"We heard the thud," Jordan added, "so Zay and I came up here to find out what it was."

"We did too," Cory told his newest student. "How did it get started?"

Before anyone could answer, Zay opened the door as he carried the first aid kit, some icepacks, and some hand towels. "Everyone's leaving," he said as he knelt down next to Farkle. "I told Mrs. Matthews that we got it covered up here. She said she was going come up after everyone leaves."

Cory took a deep breath before he addressed the guy whose arm he still held back. "Lucas, are you ok?"

Lucas said nothing as he continued to torture himself by staring at the girl he loved, the girl he had spent months trying to get, months trying to keep, months trying to forget. He had finally given himself hope that maybe he was worthy of her, that maybe his past didn't have to define him, but no. His past wasn't his past. It was very much a part of his present. This proved it. He was everything she couldn't be around. He was everything unhealthy. He was wrong for her.

And she knew it now.

He knew she would never be able to look at him in the same way again.

"Lucas," Cory repeated. When Lucas still didn't respond, Cory slowly removed his hands from his arm before he crouched down in front of Farkle. He looked up at his younger brother. "Clean Lucas up while I make sure Farkle's nose isn't broken."

Josh slowly released his grip on the Texan. As Josh bent down to gather some rubbing alcohol, band aids, and prepare an icepack, Lucas turned his entire body around to face her.

He didn't care about getting cleaned up. He didn't care about any of the whispers behind him. He only cared about her. His only concern at that moment was her. He still wasn't sure if he had laid a hand on her, hurt her physically on top of all of the emotional scars he knew he had re-opened by his actions.

"Riley," he finally spoke, his voice rough from fighting through the haze of the blackout. She looked so pale, so lost. Even after all of the horror she endured that night at the ski lodge, she didn't appear as far removed from reality as she did now.

Riley remained frozen as her vacant eyes ripped his heart to shreds. When Lucas took a hesitant step toward her, she took one back, her eyes never leaving his.

"Please," he begged as his voice cracked. "D-D-Did I," he stopped as his bottom lip quivered. He couldn't find the words to ask her if he had harmed her. He was too afraid of the answer.

She opened her mouth to speak. A few gurgling noises escaped, but nothing else before she clamped her mouth shut once more. She clenched her fists harder. She felt her fingernails dig into her skin, but she didn't care. She couldn't feel the pain. She couldn't feel much of anything.

"Please," he begged once more as he attempted to take another step closer to her. He needed to get to her, to make sure that he hadn't laid a hand on her.

She took another step back before Jordan stepped in between them. "I think that's close enough," he told Lucas.

Lucas's eyes immediately looked over Jordan's shoulder at Riley. The guy in front of him didn't matter. The girl behind him meant everything. He had to know. He had to get to her. "Riley, please…I-I don't know what…I don't remember."

When he attempted to step around Jordan, Jordan placed a hand on Lucas's chest to nudge him backward. "I said, that was close enough," the brunette said darkly.

Lucas clenched his fists. It would only be too easy to knock the guy out with one punch, but he knew that would only drive her further away. He had done enough damage. His anger had once again cost him everything. He wasn't going to make it worse if he could help it. When she looked up at him, Lucas knew he had to do something. He could tell that he was losing her. He swallowed. "Everything I told you before…it's still true. Riley, I love you."

Riley dug her fingernails even further into her skin as a sharp pain shot through her. She broke away from her stare into Lucas's eyes when she felt something wet in her hand. As she slowly unclenched her right fist, she noticed that she was bleeding. She had dug her fingernails in so far that she had broken the skin. Her hands shook as she lifted her hand to stare at the two small crimson lines that grew longer as the blood began to slide down her arm.

Lucas' eyes widened when he noticed the blood on her arm. He took exactly three steps before Jordan once again placed his hand on Lucas's chest to stop him from getting to her.

"Let me go," he growled. It was the only warning he was going to give.

"There's no way I'm letting you near her while you're like this," Jordan resolved. He had only seen the last few seconds of the fight, but that was enough for Jordan to immediately dismiss any chance of Lucas getting anywhere close to Riley.

"Let me?" He snarled as he shoved Jordan to the side. As Jordan stumbled, Lucas quickly closed the space between himself and Riley. He barely grazed his fingers against her hand before she quickly snatched it away from him. His dejected eyes rose to look into her empty ones. That beautiful light that had been there not ten minutes earlier was now gone—and he was the reason for it. "Riley, please…let me see."

Riley balled her right fist before she brought her left hand to cover it. She said nothing as she continued to stare at him.

"Please," he practically whispered as he closed eyes. "Talk to me." He slowly opened his eyes. Her expression hadn't changed since he first laid eyes on her after his blackout. "Please. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he murmured as he slowly moved his hands to rest on her shoulders. He leaned his throbbing head against hers as he continued to murmur pleas of regret to the now quaking brunette. "I love you. I love you so much. Please."

Riley slowly closed her eyes as she finally allowed herself to rest her forehead against his. As soon as she did, flashes of everything that had transpired went through her mind. Seeing Lucas on top of Farkle…hitting him without any thought, any regard for the suffering of one of his former friends, completely shook Riley to her core.

Once the mental playback of the fight was over, when Riley thought she could take a breath, the images of Lucas punching Farkle flashed through her mind again, this time a little faster than before. After that, another set of memories began to reply. Memories of that night at the ski lodge nearly a year earlier. As the images continued to flash in her mind, her subconscious began to play them back-to-back—faster and faster each time before they began to merge together into one. The ski lodge. The roof. Were they all one in the same?

She gasped when the image of Lucas hovering over her in that cabin suddenly entered her mind.

Her eyes flew open as she felt the wind get knocked out of her. She took several steps back from Lucas as she felt herself begin to hyperventilate. No. That wasn't real. That didn't happen. He wasn't the one who—no. She placed her hand on her chest to try to calm her rapidly beating heart. Tears formed in her eyes as her face turned red.

"Riley," Jordan asked as he scrambled to get to her side.

"No," Lucas tried to step closer to her. He could tell that he was losing her. The emptiness in her eyes had now been replaced with fear. Fear of him. "No, no, no…Riley…don't pull away from me. Please."

She couldn't breathe. She was suffocating. She doubled over as she tried desperately to breathe in any amount of oxygen she could. It felt like the walls were rapidly closing in on her. Her head was spinning. Her whole body was spinning. Her world was collapsing in on her.

And she was powerless to stop it.

As her eyes rolled into the back of her head, she heard him scream her name. As she began to collapse, he rushed toward her to catch her.


	22. Chapter Twenty One

_**A/N: Sorry for the delay. I've had some real life issues come up this past weekend, so I wasn't able to work on this at all. I want to let you all know that I appreciate feedback, but it kind of hurts when people make negative personal remarks. I understand that this story is intense (at least, it is my hope that you find it to be), but saying mean things to me in response is not constructive at all. Get mad at the characters, be upset for them, but don't call me names and purposefully try to hurt my feelings. I've been upset by a few comments/messages on the last update because they were very personal in nature. All I can say in response is that you haven't read the whole story. You don't know what's coming, so don't tell me who I am until you see the words 'The End' on this story.**_

 _ **Hopefully, I didn't scare away everyone from submitting feedback. I really enjoy reading your responses. 95% of the feedback I get is AMAZING and lets me know how you're reacting so I know if I'm conveying the emotions of these characters properly. I LOVE that. It only strengthens me as a writer. The negative personal comments do not. Saying things like 'oh, you're evil' or 'Gah, I hate you so much' is perfectly fine because I can tell that what I wrote is effecting you. I'm ok with all of that. Just don't tell me I'm dumb or that I don't believe in something when the story isn't over yet. **_

_**Sorry. I hate clogging up author's notes with negativity, but it has definitely affected my ability to work on this fic last week, so I thought it needed to be addressed.**_

* * *

Chapter Twenty-One

Riley slowly opened her eyes. How much of what she had experienced was reality and how much of it was all just one terrible nightmare? The first thing she noticed was that she was in her bedroom, and not on the roof. She looked down. She was still wearing the same clothes as in her nightmare. She even had his coat on.

His coat.

Lucas.

No. No, it couldn't be real. That didn't happen. It couldn't have. It was all some sort of nightmare. Maybe it was a reaction to the medication she had been taking? Maybe it was because the following week was the anniversary of the attack? There had to be some sort of explanation for it all. This wasn't her reality. It couldn't be.

Her heart began to race as she slowly sat up.

"Riley?" Maya turned her head away from the bay window to face her best friend. Her voice was hoarse, her face red and puffy from crying. She sprinted to the brunette's side. "Riley, a-a-are you ok?"

"M-Maya," she spoke softly. She studied the blonde's face for a long moment. She noticed the tears that stained her pale cheeks. Her eyes were completely bloodshot and watery. She seemed shaken. Riley felt her head begin to spin once again. "M-Maya…please…that wasn't…none of it…" She stopped when she saw Maya's face contort as a fresh batch of tears began to fall. "No," Riley shook her head as she tried to stand up. "No, that's impossible."

"Let me go get your parents," Maya sniffed.

Riley stumbled slightly as the memory of the events that took place on the roof rushed back to her in stunning detail. She couldn't help but to close her eyes as everything around her began to spin faster and faster. She brought her right hand to her forehead as the images flickered in her mind like a movie she had no desire to see. Once the horrific recollection ended, she felt nauseous. "Where are they?"

"T-They're with F-Farkle downstairs."

She looked down at her hands when she opened her eyes. She stared at the bandage wrapped around her right hand for a long moment. It was real. All of it. Even the part where she dug her fingernails into her skin so hard that it drew blood. She cut her eyes up to Maya. "Where's Lucas?"

Maya slowly stood up. "He went home."

Riley nodded as she tried to piece the rest of the night together. The last thing she remembered was seeing the blood in her hand. "W-What happened?" She wasn't sure she wanted to know the rest, but knew she had to.

Maya tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "You fainted. L-Lucas…he caught you. He carried you down here. Y-Your dad suggested that he go home…that everyone else go home too." Maya swallowed. "Riley, that fight—"

"I don't want to…I don't want to talk about it." She crossed her arms over her chest before she looked down at the ground. "I can't," she whispered.

"We need to," the blonde gently prodded. She was just as confused as Riley was about the whole thing. How did everything get so messed up between everyone? Riley and Lucas. Her and Farkle. Lucas and Farkle. If someone had told her last year that Farkle and Lucas would have gotten into a physical altercation, she would've laughed in their face. They hadn't known each other for long, but they were best friends. It would be as if she and Riley had gotten into a fight. It felt impossible. "Lucas was…I've never seen—"

"I-I know," Riley let out a ragged breath. "What…what do I do? I can't…God…I can't even blink without seeing it."

"Farkle said he started it. That he forced Lucas into it."

Riley's hands shook as she covered her face in them. She nodded as she tried to fight through the horrible images that danced through her mind. "I-I don't know where to begin." She moved her hands from her face to slide them in the pockets of the coat she still wore. She frowned when she felt something in one of them. She looked down at the left coat pocket as she slowly pulled the small object out. It appeared to be a small box covered in wrapping paper. Her hands began to shake violently as her frantic eyes looked up to Maya. "T-This is…Lucas's…c-coat."

Maya's eyes fell to the object. "He got you a present."

Riley thought for sure her heart would leap from her chest as she slowly unwrapped the small gift. The wrapping paper fell to the ground, the lid of the small box discarded shortly after. "Oh my God," she whispered when she saw the contents.

Her legs gave out from underneath her as she dropped to the ground. She pulled the brass pendant out of the box in order to examine it. Her bottom lip quivered. "I-It's…it looks just like…that night on the hill." Tears filled her eyes as she looked up at Maya. "Pappy Joe's hill." She looked down at the pendant as she traced the outline of the shadowed tree among the stars. "The night I told Lucas what happened at the ski lodge. The night that he…told me he loved me for the first time."

It felt like another lifetime ago. The peace she had found that night had now been replaced with something much stronger than what Charlie had left her with that night in the mountains. Charlie had left her broken, but as she sat on the floor of her bedroom, Riley knew that she had never felt so devastated as she stared at the picture perfect necklace in her trembling hand.

Maya sat next to Riley at the foot of the brunette's bed. She put an arm around her waist and leaned her head over to rest on Riley's shoulder. She peered at the necklace. "It's beautiful."

Riley sniffed. "Yeah."

"It's a locket," Maya noted when she saw the clasp on the side.

Riley hadn't noticed it. The picture of the starry evening with green clouds behind a tree reminded Riley of Lucas's spot, the place he used to go to in order to escape his traumatic childhood. He shared that spot with her, the place that meant more to him than anywhere else in the world. She took a deep breath before she opened the locket. Inside was a picture of them that, she assumed, his mother had taken during the balcony scene from _'Romeo and Juliet'_.

The tears that had threatened to fall for months, but never had, finally escaped as Riley gave into the heaviness of the last few hours. She clutched onto the locket as she lowered her head and sobbed. That perfect night on Pappy Joe's hill and the incredible peacefulness she had felt in his arms now tormented her; the memory of it haunted her.

Maya drew Riley to her as the blonde held the sobbing brunette. "I've got you," she said softly as she smoothed her hair. "I'm here."

"I don't know what to do," Riley sobbed. "Maya, tell me what to do. I feel like I'm being ripped in two."

"We'll figure it out," she comforted. "For now, you need to rest."

"I can't," she pulled away from Maya. As she continued to clench the locket in her left hand, she tucked her hair behind her ears. "Every time I close my eyes…e-every time I blink, all I see is…all I see is him hitting Farkle. A-And then I think about…about Charlie…and th-then the two images merge." She turned her head to look at Maya. "And I see him, Maya. Lucas. I see him hitting me…doing what Charlie did last year."

Maya didn't know what to say or how to react. She didn't witness the entire fight, but she had seen enough to be concerned about her best friend dating the Texan again. Riley's words only confirmed Maya's reservations. Maya knew—and she knew Riley knew deep down—that Lucas wasn't Charlie. It wasn't even close to being the same situation, but the amount of violence, the rage that she had been a witness to—Maya knew it was something that would stay with her for a long time. She had never seen anything like it. She was genuinely frightened, and that's something you can't just let go of—no matter how badly you want to.

She had no idea how to react to any of it either. She wanted to yell at Farkle, yet at the same time, she wanted to hold onto him and never let him go. Her anger towards her ex-boyfriend was nearly palpable, but the thought of him bloodied and bruised brought her to tears. Their whole world just got a lot tougher.

Maya glanced at Riley's alarm clock. It was 12:23am.

Officially Riley's 18th birthday.

And they were both crumpled on the floor, unable to explain anything about what they had both witnessed. Both of their hearts were broken. Both of them had no idea where to begin to pick up the pieces.

* * *

Lucas knew that it was freezing outside, but he felt nothing as he made his way home. Everything was gone in the matter of minutes. They almost had everything. They were almost free from their horrific past when suddenly everything he had been able to fight off came rushing back at them.

He gave in.

He was weak.

Farkle started it. There was no question about that, but Lucas made sure to end it. It all happened in front of Riley—a girl who had already experienced more than a lifetime's worth of violence.

As he rounded the corner toward his apartment building, he felt his own insecurities seep back into his mind. He knew he didn't deserve her. He knew that his past was too intense for anyone to handle, let alone someone who had experienced abuse at the hands of someone she thought she could trust.

He had done it again. That was his second fight within a span of a few months. He knew he was sliding back into his former self. He thought that most of it had been an act to push her away, but he didn't realize how real and how far his downward spiral had been until he saw the terror in her eyes.

He hadn't had a rage blackout since he lived in Texas.

It scared him. The thought that he could be that violent and have no memory of it, no real way to prevent it, petrified him. What if it happened again? _'What if-'_ He shook his head as he made his way up the stairs to his apartment. He couldn't even finish the thought. The idea of him ever laying a hand on her was more than he could bear.

He took a shaky breath as he tried to push down the tears that had formed in his eyes. When he opened the door, he saw his mother sitting at the kitchen table. It was obvious that she had been waiting up for him. "Hey," he said lamely as he shut the door behind him.

"Mr. Matthews called," his mother began before she turned her head around to look at her son. "Jesus," she gasped as she stood up and closed the space between them. She immediately began to examine the cuts and bruises that marred her son's face. "What happened?"

"I don't know," he told her honestly. As he watched his mother assess the damage done to his face, Lucas allowed the severity of the situation to wash over him. While he knew he would be haunted by the image of a horrified Riley, the thought that this could happen again—that he could hurt someone like that again—worried him more than anything else. "Mom," his voice cracked. When she pulled back to look at him, Lucas finally allowed himself to release the fear that he had held in for years. "I'm scared."

"Oh, honey," she soothed as she wrapped her arms around Lucas to hug him. "It's ok," she told him as she rubbed his back.

"I need help," he admitted as he closed his eyes. He felt the tears stream down his face, but he didn't care to hide them. All he wanted was to find peace again. He didn't want to be afraid to be around anyone. He didn't want to be afraid of himself. "Do you…do you think that I can get an appointment with Dr. Monroe?"

His mother, who had been begging her son to go to a therapist for years, felt tears form in her own eyes at his question. "Yes," her voice trembled. "I'll call his office first thing Monday morning."

"I don't want to be like him." Lucas's voice quaked. His biggest fear had become his reality. He couldn't let it go on. His soul had been tormented for too long. He wanted to step back into the light. He didn't want to be afraid anymore. He didn't want to be angry anymore. "Mom," his voice cracked, "please help me."

"I will," she vowed as she continued to rub his back. She had never seen him fall apart before. She was aware of his history in Texas. She had hoped the move—and fresh start—would have afforded him the opportunity to start over. For a while, it did. He was happy, hopeful. He was exactly who he was before everything fell apart. When he came back from spending the summer in Texas, he was different. He told her about the breakup with Riley. She thought that it was teenage hormones, but as the weeks past, she noticed that he seemed to sink further and further into himself.

Then the fight at school happened.

He told her what happened, and while she didn't condone fighting at all, she knew that Lucas would defend the honor of anyone he loved. He had been grounded for it, but considering the fact that he didn't do much outside of the apartment since he came home from the summer, it wasn't much of a punishment.

She had tried to push him into therapy—a move he had resisted ever since they arrived in New York. Hearing that he wanted to go brought peace to his mother's troubled heart.

Her son was good. He was kind, considerate, and had all of the love in the world to give. He needed to get back on track. He needed to open up, to really discuss issues and moments that she knew were still incredibly painful for him.

Hope filled his mother's heart. She knew that he had taken the first step toward gaining peace.


	23. Chapter Twenty Two

_**A/N: Again, triggers for violence, abuse, anxiety are in this chapter. Thank you to everyone who has sent me an encouraging note after my last chapter. The support does mean a lot. I know this story is really emotional and angsty, more so than I thought it would be, I'll admit, so thank you for sticking around.**_

* * *

Chapter Twenty-Two

Monday.

Tuesday.

Wednesday.

Thursday.

Friday.

The week was rapidly drawing to a close. One last day before winter break and two weeks off from school. One last day and Riley would get some much-needed space from nearly everyone at her school. Her birthday was a complete disaster. Her friendship with Farkle was in ruins. Whatever was developing between her and Lucas was completely obliterated. She hadn't spoken to either guy since it happened. Farkle tried to corner her in the hallway multiple times over the past week, but she managed to evade him every time. All she wanted was to survive the week. And it was Friday, which meant that it had been one year. One year since it happened.

Both of her parents wanted her to stay home, to try to get some rest and not think about what the day was, but Riley knew that's all she would do if she were forced to stay at home. At least at school, class would distract her.

As she walked toward the class she dreaded the most, she slid her hands into the pockets of her jean jacket. It was still there. Why was she carrying it around? She knew she should give it back to him or put it in a box labeled 'Lucas' and never look at it again, but as her fingers brushed against the face of the locket, she knew why she had carried it around all week. It comforted her. It was only a piece of metal, a tangible reminder of all that they had lost, but at the same time, it also reminded her of all the beauty that could exist in the world. On this day, the first anniversary of the true loss of her innocence, the locket that she couldn't bear to place around her neck filled her with the hope that maybe, someday, she would be able to find peace in the world again.

"Hey Riley," Dave greeted as he jogged toward the brunette. "Ms. Thompson wanted me to tell you that she couldn't find Emily's dress from the play."

The brunette frowned. "It should be in the costume closet."

"She looked everywhere and couldn't find it. She said for you to meet her there."

Riley tilted her head to the side. That was weird. She could have sworn that she gave the dress to Maya after the final performance. "Thanks, Dave," she told her classmate before she turned to walk in the opposite direction of the classroom.

* * *

Riley sighed as she opened the costume closet door. One more class. One more and she was free. Her family would be in town in a few days, and maybe she would be able to distract herself long enough to get some sleep—something that had completely evaded her since her party. "Mrs. Thompson," she called out into the dark room. She reached for the light. As soon as the room was illuminated, she realized that she had been set up. Mrs. Thompson wasn't the one who wanted to see her. Dave lied to her. Standing in front of her was the one person she desperately wanted to talk to and the one person she wanted to run away from.

She tried to tell herself to run, to leave. She had forced herself to look away from him all week. All of it was for nothing as she came face to face with him. As she slowly took in his appearance, she noticed that his cuts and bruises were healing. He had some stubble around his jawline and chin. He looked like he hadn't slept much at all. He had bags around his bloodshot eyes. "Lucas," she finally spoke. "I…I thought I…was meeting Mrs. Thompson."

He knew that it was a risk. He knew that she could smack him, yell at him, or worse, quietly leave, at any time. He prayed that she would listen to him. He needed her to know how he felt. "I asked Dave to make up something so I could speak to you…privately…before school got out for winter break."

Riley folded her arms across her chest. She took a few deep breaths as she tried to force her heart to slow its rapid pace. She felt it coming—another panic attack.

Lucas noticed the color drain from her cheeks. She looked like she was about to faint. He took a step toward her. When she automatically took one back away from him, his eyes fell to the ground. "I need to tell you something."

She took a deep breath as she tried to push through the anxiety that had filled her senses. "Ok."

"But first," his sorrowful eyes rose to meet hers. "I need to know…if I…" he swallowed, "if I laid a hand on you that night."

Riley gripped her arms as she bit down on the inside of her cheek. "No," she answered softly. "You didn't. I…I don't even think you knew…knew that I was…there." Fear quickly filled her as an image of a furious Lucas flashed through her mind.

He breathed a small sigh of relief. He wanted to respect the space that he knew she needed, but there was no way he was going to be able to withstand the next few weeks out of school completely unaware if he had harmed her in his altercation with Farkle.

Riley unfolded her arms as she slid her hands into the jacket. She gripped the locket—the one he had intended to give her—in order to gain some strength, some courage in being alone with him. "Lucas, what do you want?"

"I know that there is nothing I can say or do that will wipe out your memory of that night." He rocked back on his heels in order to quell the urge to run to her, to hold her, to show her that he wasn't someone she needed to fear. "I wanted you to know that…that I'm in therapy now."

Riley bit her lip. Therapy. She had been in therapy off and on for a year now. "Yeah." She knew that he knew that she had been in therapy since she came back from Texas. Farkle had exposed as much before the fight. "That's good," she added.

"Not yet," he admitted, "But I'm hoping that it will be." He looked around the room. The costume closet had been their haven for one magical moment. It was the only place he could think of that he would be able to talk to her. "I'm scared," he confessed.

If her heart wasn't already shattered into a million pieces, it would have broken at the sound of his voice. He sounded petrified, child-like in a way. Riley had seen Lucas vulnerable before, but not like this, never like this. "Me too," she said softly.

"Please," he begged as he took a few steps toward her. She tensed up at his motion, but did not take a step backward. "Riley, please. Everything I said on the rooftop was the truth. I know I don't deserve you, but I can't help but love you."

She blinked as a few tears slowly slid down her face. She had to marvel at the concept of crying. She hadn't been able to do it in months, but ever since her party, she felt like she had done nothing but cry. Cry for the past, cry for the present, cry for the future that had slipped through their fingers. Her entire world had changed within the span of about five minutes. "Lucas, I—"

His brain told him not to, to keep some space between them, but his heart refused the command. He placed his hands on her arms as he rested his forehead against hers. "I love you," he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. "I know you're scared. I'm scared too, but I'm trying to get help. I want help. I want to be the man you deserve."

"You need to be the man you want to be," she sniffed. "Don't do this for the wrong reasons, Lucas. Don't go to therapy because you think that's what I want."

"I'm not. I'm going because I need to. I'm so scared, Riley. Scared of what happened. What could have happened. What might happen if I don't get whatever is inside of me under control."

She pulled back from him. "I need you to know that I don't…I don't blame you for the fight." She furrowed her eyebrows as she watched relief sweep over his features. She loved him. It was never a question, but all of her fears now stood firmly in between them. She took a deep breath. "I can't be with you."

His eyes shifted from her to the ceiling as the words he feared to hear reached his ears. He wasn't expecting some romantic reunion. He had expected her to pull away from him, but the reality of it was a thousand times worse than he had imagined. He cleared his throat as he desperately hoped that his voice wouldn't reflect the pain he felt in his chest. She didn't deserve to feel guilty about any of it. "Yeah," his eyes fell to the ground. "I…I figured that you wouldn't…that it would be…too much." He slid his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. Every fiber of his being wanted to sweep her in his arms and do everything he could to wipe away the memories of last week, but he knew it would be impossible to do.

Riley bit her lip as she forced herself to look at his face. His gaze was still fixed on the ground next to her. It would be easy to look away from him, but she needed him to know what the last week had made her realize. "I love you," her voice cracked as a steady stream of tears cascaded down her face, "I think I love you more now than I ever have."

She couldn't do it. She couldn't just walk away from him. When his tear filled eyes connected with hers, she closed the space between them. She wrapped her arms around his neck as she brought his lips to hers. She had spent the last week running away from what she knew she had to do. She had avoided all attempts to sleep, to close her eyes for more than a millisecond. She wanted to believe that everything would be ok. She wanted to believe that their love would somehow wipe out the memory of what happened on the rooftop.

Lucas's left hand ran through her hair while his right hand braced her lower back as she pulled him closer to her. All too quickly, he got lost in the sweet taste of her lips. For the first time in nearly a week, the regret, the pain washed away as they sought comfort in one another.

For a second, Riley was able to forget. She was in his arms, her safe place, and everything felt better. She felt so relaxed that she forgot to do the one thing in order to keep the moment alive: keep her eyes open.

As her mouth opened against his, she closed her eyes. A barrage of imagery that she had quickly forgotten came charging back toward her as visions of punches, kicks, slams, and smacks invaded her senses. She whimpered as she tried to fight through them all in order to stay in this moment with him, but her mind wouldn't let her. She was transported back to that night in the mountains: _She struggled to grab Maya's ski boot, but instead of grabbing it and hitting her attacker, this time, her attacker pushed it out of the way. She turned her throbbing head back to look at the monster who hovered over her._

Riley's eyes flew open as a sob tore through her. She nudged Lucas away from her as she struggled to catch her breath. Her heart raced. She had to get out of there. She turned to run away. She took two steps before her legs gave out from underneath her. She fell to her knees as inconsolable sobs wracked her petite frame.

"Riley," Lucas called out as he rushed toward her. He fell to his knees as he wrapped his arms around the crying brunette. "I'm sorry," he said as he tried to brush her tangled locks from her face. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'm so sorry."

Riley shook her head as she tried to fight through everything her mind was throwing at her. She wasn't strong enough to fight it. She couldn't fight her memories, her past, his past. She couldn't just move on from everything that happened, but at the same time, she knew that she loved him more than she ever thought she could love anyone else. "I can't do this," she finally whimpered.

"Can't do what," he prodded, though he had a feeling he knew what she was about to say. He needed to hear it. She needed to say it. He deserved every word she was about to throw at him. He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear before he gently placed his hands on either side of her face.

"Us," her broken voice half whispered. She lifted her head to look at him. She allowed herself a moment to feel his thumbs wipe away the tears that had cascaded down her cheeks before she backed away from him even further, breaking their physical contact. "I love you so much," she began as she felt her last shred of hope snap, "But I can't be with you."

Lucas said nothing, but nodded as his eyes fell to the ground.

Riley was fairly certain that no matter how he reacted, it would feel like a knife in her heart. "Every time I close my eyes, every time I try to sleep…every time I blink, I see it. I see the fight. I see you and Farkle…and then I see Charlie and me…and it won't stop." She forced herself to look at him. She didn't want to hurt him, but he needed to know that she couldn't think of anything else. "I can't sleep," she elaborated, "I can't eat. I can barely breathe." She looked away from him. "I don't know what to do."

Lucas took a shaky breath. He had done this. Maybe it wasn't entirely his fault, but he had played a part in her pain. "What do you need me to do?"

"I don't know," she said honestly. "I love you so much. But I can't…I can't do this." She reached in her pocket and pulled out the locket. She held it up. "Thank you."

He was surprised that she carried it after everything that happened. It was in her pocket, and not around her neck, but it still had to mean something, right? "I bought it when I was in Texas…before…" he trailed off. He took a deep breath. "And I really liked that picture."

"Yeah," she nodded. "Me too." She swallowed before she stretched her hand out to him.

Lucas looked at the locket dangling in front of him. "No," he told her. "It's yours. Maybe…" he paused as he looked at the pendant, "Maybe one day it can give you the hope that I took away."

"Lucas," she began.

He looked back up at her. "I understand, Riley. I do. I know that you can't be with me right now. Maybe it's for the best while I try to fight whatever is inside of me. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you."

"I know that." She closed her fist around the locket as she slid it back into her jacket. "Deep down, I know that, but my brain won't let me—"

"Yeah."

Riley watched as Lucas slowly stood up. He offered a hand out to her. She was hesitant at first, but accepted it as he helped her stand up.

"I need you to know something," he said as he still held her hand.

She wasn't sure if she could stand hearing whatever he was about to say, but knew that she had to. "Yeah?"

"You might have lost hope…faith…in me…in us…but I haven't. You've managed to keep your faith in me throughout this whole thing…way after I lost it. Now, it's my turn to do it…to believe that one day…we'll be able to be together. That's my promise to you. I'll be whatever you need me to be right now: friend, acquaintance…stranger. But while we are both trying to navigate through all of this, I need you to know that I'll be here…loving you…believing that we will be able to survive this."

She swallowed before she gently squeezed his hand. "I'm counting on that, Lucas."

"I love you, Riley."

"I love you too." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders as she embraced him. She wanted to stay there. She didn't want to take a step back. She didn't want to leave the costume closet and face the outside world again—the world that had always managed to tear them apart. "I don't know how to do this," she confessed as she felt another wave of tears fill her eyes. "How do I walk away from you?"

"You're not," he soothed as he rubbed her back. "It's you taking a step toward the future—one where you aren't hurting. One where you can close your eyes and imagine the peacefulness of the night sky or picture waves crashing on the shore or witness an amazing sunset. You deserve that peace, Riley."

"You do too," she sniffed as she pulled back from him.

"So, let's leave…together."

She nodded before she turned to walk toward the door. She squeezed his hand as they stepped out of the costume closet. She let out a shaky breath when he quietly let go of her hand. "Will we be ok?"

He gave her a sad smile. "I hope we will."


	24. Chapter Twenty Three

_**A/N: Sorry about the wait. I had a migraine that knocked me out for three days last week. Part of this chapter was written during that time, so I apologize if it's a little off.**_

* * *

Chapter Twenty Three

All she wanted to do was to find a distraction, something to keep her mind off of everything: the anniversary, Lucas, the fight. She was able to get some of her frustration out during therapy, but as she entered the apartment, she wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not.

After months of trying to fully open up to her therapist, to express some sort of emotion, Riley finally broke down. The conversation with Lucas in the costume closet was the final straw. She was a wreck. She loved him. That was never a question. She thought she could bury her feelings and make a clean break. That plan failed miserably. She then thought that she could forget what had happened and give into the one thing she desperately wanted, but when she closed her eyes, all of the horror she witnessed both nights came charging back at her.

It would be easier if she didn't love him. It would be easier if she could brush it all away. She couldn't do either. She was stuck.

She figured that her therapist would try to convince her that Lucas was the source of everything—that somehow their love, which had been so pure, was now toxic—but she didn't. Instead, Riley's therapist suggested that she take some time for herself—to do the things that made her happy. She also told Riley that time would be the greatest healer—something Riley already knew and hated. She didn't want to wait. She wanted all of the answers now. She wanted to be able to close her eyes and see Pappy Joe's hill again. She wanted peace. She wanted him.

But she couldn't have him. Not now. Not while she was constantly battling her own demons and fears. Not while he still had his own battles to win.

"How'd it go," Topanga asked as soon as Riley closed the door.

"About as good as can be expected," she replied as she walked toward the kitchen. She leaned her back against the kitchen counter as she watched her mother set the table for dinner.

Topanga opened the cabinet above the sink to grab the plates. "Is Maya coming over?"

Riley shook her head. "I told her that I just wanted to be alone tonight." _'For once,'_ she thought. It was weird. She figured that she would need the company tonight. She thought that she would need a distraction, but after the emotional conversation with Lucas, and immediately reliving it with her therapist, Riley was completely exhausted. She knew that it was a long shot, but she needed to try to get some sleep.

"Are you sure that's a good idea? How about we watch a movie together after dinner?"

Riley shook her head again. "I'm really tired," she said softly. "And I'm not that hungry. I might try to go to sleep—that way I can get to tomorrow quicker."

"Whatever you want." She reached for an envelope on the table. "This came for you today. No return address, so I'm not sure who it's from."

Riley took the envelope from her mother. "Thanks. Maybe it's a belated birthday card or Christmas card or something."

"Only one way to find out." Topanga studied the gloomy look on her daughter's face. She noticed that Riley's eyes were puffy. She had been crying. "What happened?"

Riley gave her a small smile. "Lucas and I talked today."

"And?"

Riley sighed. "I don't know. We said goodbye, but…it didn't feel like a goodbye. At the same time, I don't know if I can ever move past everything that happened." She slid the envelope around between her fingers. "Mom?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

She looked down at the envelope. "How can you unsee something?"

"I'm not sure I know what you mean?"

"Lucas and Farkle. The fight. For some reason, my brain associates their fight with what happened with Charlie. How can I unsee it? How do I get my brain to stop merging the two together?"

"I don't know." Topanga never felt more helpless than she did at that moment. It felt as if her daughter had nothing but heartache for the last year. She wasn't sure how much more she could take. "I've never had anything like that happen to me. I think time will help. I think eventually you realize what you need to do in order to move on and whether or not you can be with Lucas."

Riley looked back up at her mother. "You'd be ok if I was with him? After everything that happened?"

Topanga let out a long breath. "I know what his record says. I saw the aftermath of what happened the other night, but I also see how he looks at you. I know that there is nothing in this world he wouldn't do for you. Yes, he has a lot of baggage that only makes me nervous because of your history, but Riley, I know that he would never, could never, be capable of hurting you. All I've ever wanted for you was to find someone who would do anything in the world for you…someone who would cherish you and respect you."

"And he does."

Topanga nodded. "But you're right. A lot has happened between you. And this isn't up to me. This is up to you. Just know that your father and I support you a hundred percent. Whatever you want to do. Whatever you need."

Riley stepped forward to give her mother a hug. "Thank you."

* * *

Riley had barely sat her books and the mysterious envelope on her desk when she heard a light knock on her window. She looked toward the sound and frowned. She thought about leaving her room until they went away, but she knew that it wouldn't do any good. She walked toward the window and opened it. "I really don't feel like going three rounds with you today," she informed her estranged friend.

"I'm not here to fight," Farkle answered as he climbed in. "I know you've been avoiding me."

"Yeah," she confirmed as she crossed her arms over her chest. Would this day ever end? "I have been. I have nothing to say to you, Farkle."

"Well, I have something to say to you." When she lifted her eyebrows at his demand, his sighed. This was already a disaster. "Riley, please listen to me."

"You have two minutes," she warned.

"I'm sorry," he began. "I don't know what got into me. I've been so frustrated with Maya. She's been ignoring me for months. When I saw her talking to Josh…laughing with him at your party…I snapped. I needed to get some air, so I went to the roof. I saw you and Lucas together and everything I was feeling about Maya and Josh…I just projected onto you guys. You didn't deserve it." He took a breath. "I've been mad at Lucas for months because of what he did to you. Did he deserve some of that? Yes…but not all of it." He slid his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. "Riley, don't blame Lucas for it. It was my fault."

"I do blame you for it, Farkle." She unfolded her arms as she sought refuge in the locket that still inhabited her pocket. She wrapped her fingers around it and gently squeezed the precious metal. "Every second of what happened is your fault. Lucas didn't do anything wrong…except for reacting…after he warned you…repeatedly to stop."

"He left you, Riley. And you just forgive him for that?"

"He didn't leave me. I was the one who screwed it up. I put him in an impossible situation. It was my fault. He pushed me away because he didn't think that he was good enough for me. He thought his past would dictate his future." Her grip tightened on the trinket. "We were finally getting back to a good place. We were finally letting go of everything that happened…but _you_ took that away from us."

Farkle swallowed. He wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to his next question, but knew he needed the answer in order to fix this whole mess. "How did I take it away from you?"

Tears filled the brunette's eyes. "Because I can't escape it. He hit you. You hit him. And I stood there and I saw the whole thing. Farkle, I can't even blink without seeing him over you, punching you. I can't sleep without envisioning Charlie hitting me, Lucas hitting you, and then the two images merging into something that I—" she stopped as the image suddenly flashed through her mind. Tears flowed down her cheeks as she pulled the locket out of her pocket. "I close my eyes and I only see the violence. I see something that my heart knows would never happen, but for some reason, my brain won't let me forget." She looked down at the necklace.

"Riley, I'm—"

"Don't," she commanded as her eyes snapped up to meet his. "Don't tell me you're sorry. You wanted a fight. You got it. And now Lucas and I…we're the ones paying for it." She held up the locket for Farkle to see. "He was going to give me this. He never got the chance to." She lowered her hand. "I loved him so much, Farkle…I still love him…and…I don't know if we will ever be able to get over this." She turned away from him. "Please go. I can't do this anymore. Not today. Not tomorrow. Maybe not ever."

"I'm going to fix this," he vowed to her.

Riley sniffed as she turned to face one of her best friends. He seemed like a complete stranger to her now. The Farkle she knew would have never done this. "How? Are you gonna invent a time machine and go back to stop Charlie that night…or go back to last week and not go on the roof?" She shook her head. "You can't fix this."

"I will."

She lowered her eyes. "Just go."

Farkle watched the tears silently trickle down her face for a moment before he let out a long breath and walked toward the window.

Once she heard the window shut, Riley walked back toward her desk. She sat the locket down next to her books. She slowly reached for the envelope.

She opened it quickly and scanned the first few lines. She stopped only to plop down on her bed. She gripped the letter tightly as she continued to read it.

She thought she was done with being surprised—which of course meant that the biggest one yet just got dropped into her lap.

* * *

' _It was like I was on a roller coaster or something. Everything kept building and building. When he said I was like her ex-boyfriend, that I would hurt her like that one day, it felt like I was at the top of the ride. When he hit me, it was as if I suddenly flew down the track. I don't remember anything after that.'_ Lucas let out a long breath as he re-read what he had written. On the first day of therapy, Dr. Monroe handed him a notebook and told Lucas to write down all of his thoughts. They didn't have to be about what happened or about anything important. He simply wanted him to write it down. That was his assignment for the first two weeks of therapy.

After his conversation with Riley, Lucas skipped out on the rest of class and just went home—home to write. He glanced at his phone. It was almost 7:00. _'I've been writing for over three hours,'_ he mused before he stood up and stretched his aching limbs. He turned to the door when he heard a knock. "Come in," he called out as he closed the notebook.

The door opened slowly, cautiously. Lucas looked up at the doorway and frowned. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you," Farkle said as he entered his former best friend's room, undeterred by the slight edge in Lucas's tone. He wasn't sure where to begin. How do you even start to apologize for everything that happened? "Even though I have a lot I need to apologize for, I think you and I both know that's not what's important right now."

Lucas lifted his eyebrows, curious as to where the conversation was headed. "What do you think is important right now?"

"Riley," he answered without missing a beat. "I just talked to her."

Lucas crossed his arms over his chest. "Ok." He wasn't sure what to say. He wasn't about to bear his soul to the guy who had helped to destroy whatever remained of his relationship with Riley. He didn't completely blame Farkle for everything, but he couldn't help but to feel some resentment toward his former best friend for what happened.

"I want to fix this. I know I'm the last person you want to see, and you probably don't believe me, but I want to fix this. I want her to be happy. You make her happy. Seeing how unhappy she was last summer built up a lot of resentment in me. From the day I met them, I swore that I'd always do my best to protect them—to make sure that they never got hurt. And she's been hurt…a lot…in the last year. With everything that happened between Maya and me…I thought that you were to blame for Riley's pain. I felt that our situations were similar. Maya pushed me away. You pushed Riley away." He looked down. "But it's not the same situation at all. You love her. You've always loved her. Everything you've done was to protect her—even sacrificing your relationship with her in order for her to preserve her relationship with her parents."

Lucas swallowed as he listened to Farkle. He had nothing more to add. The genius was pretty spot on about what his intentions had always been toward Riley.

"I know…now…that everything you've done has been with her best interest in mind. I swore to myself at six years old that I would always protect them—that includes making sure that whoever they ended up with, whoever they loved…would actually be worthy of them. I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn't see that you were doing just that. You didn't just give her up. You gave us all up. You knew that she would never ask us to choose between you two, but you also knew that she needed all of us to be there for her. You knew you wouldn't be able to handle being around her, so you pushed us all away. Everything that you had built here, you gave up…for her."

Lucas bit the inside of his mouth as he thought about everything that had happened in the last year. "Doesn't change anything. Not now." He sighed. "Just the sight of me causes her pain."

"She has a lot to work through, but you two are perfect for one another. I know that now."

Lucas couldn't believe what he was hearing. Only a week ago, Farkle had made it perfectly clear how terrible they were for one another. "How could you possible know that? All we've done is hurt each other over and over again. You even said that-"

"I think the situation is what hurt you guys. I don't think it's you two. Maybe…if you had come to New York sooner…had met each other earlier…then we all wouldn't be where we are now. Charlie and Riley would never have dated. You wouldn't have been with Jessica. Maybe our world would be simpler."

A simpler world. One where he didn't make all of the mistakes he did. If he had met her sooner, maybe everything would be different; maybe their biggest problem would be trying to figure out where to go to college together. "But it's not. We can't just wish for things to be different. You should know that more than anyone, Farkle. You're a scientist."

He nodded. "I am…but love has altered my perception on a lot of things. I want Riley to be happy. You make her happy. So, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that you two are happy…together."

"I don't see how that's possible. She can't even blink without seeing us fighting, Farkle."

He smiled. "I have a plan."

Lucas frowned. "No. I'm sorry, but I can't be a part of a scheme to get her back. I think it's best if we aren't together right now." He glanced at the notebook on his desk. "I just started talking to someone about everything that's happened. I have a lot to push through. I can't put that burden on her with everything she's going through too. Not now. All I can do is wait and hope that one day, she's able to close her eyes and not see me as a monster."

"I am sorry. I'm sorry for everything that happened. I know those only seem like words now, but I am going to fix this Lucas."

He nodded. "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have reacted like I did."

"I provoked you. I'm surprised you didn't snap way before that." He studied his former best friend's face. "I got a few hits in though."

Lucas couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped his lips. "You definitely did."

"So…are we ok?" He held out his hand.

Lucas thought about it for a moment before he shook Farkle's hand. "Yeah. We are. I'm sorry that everything happened the way it did, too. I'm sorry I stopped talking to you and Zay. It just seemed…"

"Easier," Farkle offered.

"Yeah."

"Zay and I are going to go play some video games later. Want to come over? Hang out some?"

Lucas glanced at the notebook on his desk once more before he looked back at Farkle. "I'd like that. I owe him an apology too."


	25. Chapter Twenty Four

Chapter Twenty-Four

She couldn't believe she did it. Two days before Christmas and she was on a bus to upstate New York. Her family would be starting to arrive at her apartment that afternoon, and she wasn't going to be there. She was going to be late.

She lied to her mother. She told her that she was going to meet up with Maya and do some last minute Christmas shopping. Truthfully, Riley knew Maya was spending some quality time with her own mother that day, and wouldn't be by the Matthews' house until after dinner.

So, Riley was under a time crunch. Not a big one, but she had planned it all out so she could be back before Maya came over. Riley took a deep breath as she composed a text message to the blonde just in case Maya decided to come to the apartment early. She knew that her phone would explode once Maya knew what Riley was up to, but Riley also knew that she would much rather get berated by her best friend than by her family over it. She didn't want to ruin the holidays again this year. Maybe she should have waited. Maybe she should have stayed home and forgot the whole crazy thing.

But she couldn't. She needed to do this. Maybe it was some form of extreme therapy, but Riley wanted her life back. She only had a few precious moments with Lucas on the roof before everything fell apart, but those few moments made her want more of them. She wanted to fight for him—even if that meant fighting her own personal demons. She wasn't going to run anymore. She wasn't going to be scared anymore.

She wanted her life back.

She needed Lucas.

Lucas needed her.

That thought repeated through her weary mind as she found herself waiting to see him. Her heart pounded, her palms began to sweat when she heard the door on the other side of the plexi-glass window open. She took a deep breath before she forced herself to look up at the person who now sat across from her.

"Hey Riley."

She swallowed harshly as her brown eyes met his. She never thought that everything would come to this. For a second, she regretted ever opening that stupid letter. She regretted sneaking out. She regretted not telling Maya about the plan, because she knew Maya would talk her out of it. This was a huge mistake, but as she opened her mouth to speak, she knew it was the only way. "Charlie."

* * *

"I can't believe we stayed up all night," Farkle mused as he finally turned off the gaming system. It had been months since the three of them hung out, let alone stayed up all night playing video games. It was something Farkle never thought would happen again given everything that had transpired in the last several months.

"Just like old times," Zay smiled as he turned his head to Lucas. "I'm glad you're back."

"Not completely. Not yet, anyway…but I'm trying." One step at a time, one day at a time. Being able to spend one semi-normal night with two of his best friends definitely made Lucas feel like he was on the right track, but he knew he still had a long road ahead of him.

"That's all we can ask for. Right, Farkle?"

Farkle slid the video game back in his cabinet. "Yeah. Absolutely."

Zay pulled his phone out from his pocket. "I only have one more question."

"What's that?"

Zay lightly tapped his phone against his knee. "The fight you had earlier this year with Steve…what was it about? There had to have been a reason for it. After everything you and Farkle told me, you didn't completely revert back to the guy who didn't care who he hurt, so I figured that there had to have been a reason for it."

Lucas sighed. "I overheard him talking about Riley."

"What did he say?"

Lucas shook his head. "It's something I'd rather not talk about…and I made sure it was something that Steve would never talk about again."

Zay raised his eyebrows. "You really love her." It wasn't a question. Zay didn't expect or need Lucas to respond to it. His actions had more than proven that there was nothing he wouldn't do for her. As soon as Farkle told him why Lucas had pushed everyone away, everything clicked into place.

Would everything work out? Zay didn't know. Everything seemed to be working against them, but as Zay glanced back down at his phone, he knew that the guy who sat across from him would do anything for the woman he loved—even letting her go if that was what was best for her.

As Zay read the five paragraph long texts from Maya, his eyes widened. Another road block. Another obstacle.

"What is it," Farkle asked.

Zay glanced Lucas before he looked at Farkle. "I don't know if I should say." Lucas had only been in therapy for a short time. He wasn't sure if he should risk what progress his friend had already made, but Zay also knew that if the roles were reversed, he would want to know what was going on with the woman he loved.

Farkle frowned. "Why?"

Zay took a deep breath. "Are you up for testing how well you're doing in therapy already?"

"I'm not sure," Lucas answered slowly, completely clueless as to what Zay was getting at. "What is it? Is something wrong?" When Zay didn't reply, Lucas frowned. "Did something happen to Riley?"

Zay let out a long breath as he tried to decide whether or not to tell Lucas what had happened. When he looked back at Lucas, he saw the concern on his face and knew that he deserved to know the truth. "I don't know." He looked back down at his phone. "She went upstate by herself…to see Charlie."

Lucas felt the color drain from his face. "W-W-What," he stammered. "Why?" She went to see him? Alone? Why would she do that?

"Maya said that she got a text from Riley saying that she went up to see him…to talk to him. She doesn't know much more than that. She's supposed to come back this afternoon."

Lucas looked at Farkle. "What is she doing? Why did she…"

Farkle nodded slowly. "I think she's trying to get some answers."

* * *

"Thank you for coming." He never thought he'd ever see her again. When he found out he had a visitor, he assumed it was his parents. He never thought when he sent that letter that she would actually show up.

"I'm not here for your benefit," she quickly responded. "So, don't, for one minute, think I'm here for you."

"So, why are you here?" He looked over her shoulder. "And you came alone? I thought that if you ever came, you would bring either Maya or Lucas with you."

She ignored his question. He had no right to know why she came alone. He had no right to know who she surrounded herself with. The sound of their names on his lips was enough to churn her stomach. She wanted to keep everyone she loved far away from him. "I'm here because it's been a year now and what happened that night hasn't left me. I know that on some level, it never will, but it's still affecting my relationships with everyone I love. I can't let that happen anymore. I want to be free. I've tried everything else I can think of in order to do that…but it's not working. So, I'm here. I'm here to get answers…to try to find some way to finally move on from all of this." She bit her bottom lip. "Charlie, if you ever cared about me…really cared…you'd help me. I'm trapped in this nightmare that you created. I can't even breathe without thinking about that night."

He leaned back in his chair. She looked beautiful, but she always did. As he listened to her, he couldn't help but to notice the dark circles under her eyes. She seemed thinner than he remembered. She looked exactly the same, but also completely different—hollow. "What do you need to know?"

"I need to know why." She clenched her fists as she forced herself not to fidget in her seat. She was nervous, but she wasn't about to let him know that. "I know that your parents have a great relationship, so it's not because that's how you were raised." She cleared her throat as her eyes locked onto his. A hundred nightmares instantly flowed through her mind, but she wasn't about to back down now. She came here for answers and she wasn't going to leave until she got them. "Why did you grab me? Why did you hit me and make me believe that it was my fault? Why did you make me feel that I deserved every horrible thing you did? Why," she swallowed as forced herself not to cry, "Why did you try to rape me? If you cared about me…if you really did…none of it would have happened. It wouldn't have gotten that far, so I'm here, because I need to know why you did it."

"I knew I was losing control." He leaned forward in his seat as he rested his elbows on the table in front of him. He interlaced his fingers together as he brought them to his mouth. He paused for a moment as he tried to find a way to verbalize the things he had spent the last year discovering about himself. "I loved you…had loved you since eighth grade. While you said the words back to me, I knew that you didn't feel the same way. When he…Lucas…showed up, I couldn't ignore it anymore. I saw the way he looked at you. I saw the way you looked at him. I was there the opening night of the play. The way he looked at you during the balcony scene. They way you kissed one another. You're a good actress, Riley…but that's something that can't be faked." He sighed. "But I still loved you. I didn't know how to keep you after that. I had already grabbed you when I saw that he walked you home…I knew our relationship was strained…I just wanted to keep you. When I realized that, at least for a time, grabbing you had made you separate yourself from him, somewhere in my mind…I thought that was the answer." He shook his head as he leaned back in the chair. "When you told me that you two had kissed…had actually kissed…I panicked. I reacted the only way I thought I could that would keep you with me. It felt like I had been punched in the stomach and all I wanted to do was for you to know the same kind of pain. I knew I wouldn't be able to match it emotionally…because I knew deep down that you didn't love me…so I reacted. I needed to gain back the power I thought I had in our relationship."

"Then we broke up."

He let out a long breath. "Yeah. We broke up. I thought I was ok, until I saw you two at the dance. You've never smiled at me the way you smiled at him that night. It killed me, Riley. So, I acted out…again. I don't know why…maybe to get him to react…so you would see that he was a monster too. That he wasn't any better than me."

Riley's heart raced as she forced herself to finally ask the most important question. "And…that night?"

"I saw you two kissing earlier that day…and I knew that I had lost you. I was so angry at myself…at him…at you. I lost it. I don't…remember much from that night."

Riley couldn't help the tears that filled her eyes. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. "You don't remember. I've been carrying that night around for the last year and you don't remember?!" She leaned forward in her seat. "That night has ruined my entire life, and it wasn't my fault! You did it, but somehow…for some reason…you were blessed by not being able to remember it?!"

"Do you want to know what that night did to me?" She didn't wait for an answer. "It made me afraid. Afraid to be with anyone. And months later…when I thought that I was ready for all of that…to open myself up to be with someone…my dad wasn't. He was scared. He was afraid it would happen again." Anger flowed through Riley as tears continued to stream down her face. She didn't bother wiping them away. She wanted him to see every single one. She wanted him to know the hell she had gone through because of him. "I fought everyone in my life in order to be with Lucas, but you know what? We still broke up. And just when I thought that maybe it would be ok, that everyone would be ok if we got back together…the world ended." She sat back in the chair, her anger fading into helplessness. "And now, I'm back to where I was. I close my eyes and I see you hitting me…slamming my head on the ground. And then I see him…and the fight that he got into. And then the images blur, Charlie…and I'm left with envisioning him…the man I love…the person I leaned on the most over the last year…I see him standing over me…attacking _me_." Why did she do this? Why was she here? She couldn't remember anymore. She wanted everything to magically fix itself. She wanted peace. "I can't make it stop. I want to move on. I need to move on."

Charlie swallowed. "I'm sorry. I really am, Riley. I've been talking to someone ever since it happened, and I wish I could do something or say something to make it better. You're right. You don't deserve to live with the memories of that night. You didn't deserve that. No one does."

Riley crossed her arms over her chest. "Why did you want to see me, Charlie?"

"I wanted to apologize…away from the lawyers, the courtroom. I've been working through a lot while I've been here, and I needed to face you again."

"I needed to face you again, too." She looked down. "Thank you. For asking me to come. I don't think I ever would have on my own. Getting your letter forced me to realize that if I want to move on…if I want to have some semblance of a life…I needed to face you."

"I know you don't believe me when I say this, but I want you to be happy, Riley."

She cut her eyes up to look at him. She didn't believe him, but that didn't matter. His opinion didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was what she was going to do after she walked away from him. "I do too."


	26. Chapter Twenty Five

Chapter Twenty Five

She knew that the trip would emotionally exhaust her, but she didn't realize how tired she was until she was forced to plaster a smile on her face as she entered her crowded apartment. Her family practically swarmed her as soon as she closed the door. She was always happy to see them, but she desperately needed a little time to compose her thoughts. So, she hugged her uncles, her aunt, and her grandparents before she excused herself to go freshen up before the festivities began.

As soon as she closed her bedroom door, she heard a light tap at her window. Her heart dropped to the floor when she saw him.

Part of her had hoped that he would come when she found out that everyone knew that she went to see Charlie, but as she walked toward the window to unlock it, she realized that, perhaps for the first time since they met, she didn't want to see him—not now, anyway. She knew he would have a million questions, and she didn't have the answers to any of them. Riley also knew that it would all lead to another fight, and that the seemingly immeasurable chasm between them would expand even further as a result.

The last thing she wanted was to create more distance between them.

"Hey," she said as she watched him come into her room. Her eyes drifted to the door for a moment before she turned back to him. "Um…this isn't the best time, Lucas. My entire family is here and I—"

"Why," he asked as he sat down at the bay window. He knew he was being short with her, but he had to know why she went. He told himself on the way over to her apartment that he would remain calm. His priority was making sure that she was ok, that no matter what had happened or what would happen between them, her safety would remain his primary concern.

Riley frowned. "Well, Christmas is in a few days, and my family comes every year…well…they didn't last year…"

He narrowed his eyes at her. She was evading the question. "You know what I'm talking about, Riley." He swallowed. "I came over here because I needed to make sure that you were ok before I…before I left for Texas."

Riley slowly sat down next to him. "You're going to Texas over the break?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Pappy Joe wanted me to come visit. He wanted his son and his grandson around for the holidays."

"Have you talked to your dad much?"

"A little. Not a lot since we…" he paused. "Not since last summer. I sort of closed myself off from everyone." He looked up at her. "You still haven't answered me. Why did you go see him, Riley?"

Riley stared at him as she weighed her options. She could tell him why, explain what exactly had been going on with her since the fight, but when she found herself getting lost in the eyes which had haunted her every dream for well over a year, she knew she couldn't. She knew he would get upset with her, but it was better than the alternative. She couldn't tell him that her nightmares were not solely about Charlie anymore. If anything, Lucas now had a starring role in them.

He sensed her hesitancy. "What aren't you telling me?"

She tore her eyes away from his as she abruptly stood up and walked toward her closet. She had never felt more torn in her whole life. She wanted nothing more than to forget everything and beg him to be with her, to start over, but she knew they couldn't do that. She couldn't do that. That was the problem. There wasn't a quick fix for this. "Lucas, I really need to change my clothes. My family—" In her state of exhaustion, she didn't notice that he had followed her on her trek to the closet until he reached out and grasped her wrist.

Riley spun around as she came face to face with him. Her breath caught in her throat as she stepped back against the closet door. He was close to her, so close. She bit the corner of her bottom lip as her eyes slowly lowered to his mouth. If she leaned in just a little, her lips would meet his. "Lucas," she breathed.

He nearly caved in when he saw her gaze fall to his mouth. He had to admit that he had the sudden urge to forget the reason why he came and show her just how much he loved her, how much he missed her. As her eyes slowly drifted back up to his, he knew he had to try to push those thoughts away. Right now, he needed to know what was going through her mind. "Why did you go see him," he asked her softly as his thumb lightly massaged her wrist.

She swallowed as she forced herself to forget the mental image of them tangled up in one another's embrace back in Texas—right before their world ended. "I needed to." She took a shaky breath. "You know that. You had to do it with your dad."

"That's different." He slowly released her wrist. He briefly thought about stepping back in order to create some space between them, but instead, he lightly brushed his knuckles against her cheek. "Talk to me," he pleaded as he opened his hand in order to cup her cheek.

She felt it coming. She thought she was done crying. She thought that her emotional exhaustion would prevent her from being able to produce any more tears. She tried to push them back down, but she was too tired to. As her eyes began to water, she leaned into his sweet caress. She wanted to close her eyes and revel in his touch, to stay there forever, but she knew she couldn't. She knew that as soon as she closed her eyes, she would be transported back to a vision she couldn't get rid of. She saw the anticipation in his eyes and knew that no matter what happened, she couldn't tell him the real reason why she had to confront Charlie. "I can't."

It felt like a punch to the stomach. Those two words hurt him more than any hit he had ever taken from anyone. It hurt more than their breakup ever did. "Please," he begged as his voice cracked, "Please talk to me." His voice was barely above a whisper as he leaned his forehead to rest against hers. He needed some sort of physical contact with her since she seemed determined to shut him out emotionally. He knew he shouldn't force the issue, but this was killing him. He moved his hands to rest on her shoulders before he slowly slid them down the length of her arms. He interlaced his fingers with hers as he waited for her to answer. He needed her to open up to him. He needed it more than anything else in the world.

Could she tell him? Could she hurt him like that? Could she stand there and confirm his worst fear? She still didn't understand what those dreams meant, so she knew that there was no way that he would either. She knew that he would sink further into himself. He was finally reaching for peace, getting the help he needed. He was trying to get back on track. Riley knew that if she told him about her latest waking nightmare, he would be even more upset than if she had simply kept quiet. She had to remain strong. She had to protect him. "I can't," she repeated as she slowly shook her head while it continued to rest against his. "Not about this."

Lucas's eyes opened. His chest heaved once before he took a few steps back from her. His hands still clasped hers as his desperation slowly transformed into resentment. "So…you can go and see the monster who started this whole thing…you can talk to him…but you can't talk to me."

Riley shook her head once. She wanted to tell him everything, but even more than that, she had to protect whatever progress he had already made. Until she had it figured out, until she beat her own demons, she couldn't pull him under again. She loved him too much to do that. "Lucas, please try to understand."

He bit the bottom of his lip in concentration as her words sunk in. Charlie Gardner. The creep who had nearly destroyed her knew what was going on, but for some reason, she felt like he, Lucas Friar, didn't need to know what was happening. How was that fair? It made no sense to him. "It's fine, Riley," he replied curtly, as he untangled his fingers from hers. He turned around and walked toward the window.

Riley crossed her arms over her chest to prevent herself from reaching for him. "Please understand that I'm doing this for you."

He turned around. "Yeah," he drawled out. "Uh…hope you have a good break." He opened the window and quickly climbed out. He needed to get away. Maybe going to Texas for ten days would help. She clearly needed space from him, and he needed space from her too. He needed to focus on his own recovery and not drive himself crazy trying to figure out what was going on with Riley.

She knew she couldn't stand there and let him leave like that. He needed to understand that she was doing this for him, not to hurt him. She sprinted toward the window. "I don't want you to leave like this."

He turned to face her. "And I don't want you to feel like you have to hide from me."

"Lucas, please," she begged. "Trust me. The truth would hurt more."

He turned his head around as he started to descend the fire escape. "I doubt that."

* * *

As much as Riley wanted to go after him, to force him to understand why she couldn't tell him everything, she knew that it wouldn't do any good. She hoped that, in time, he would understand why she did what she did. After all, he had confronted his father. Why was it so terrible that she confronted Charlie?

She let out a sigh as she ran a hairbrush through her hair. "Because that's not the problem," she told herself. Yes, he was upset that she snuck off to see her ex-boyfriend, but that's not what he was really upset about. She had shut him out—again. She had closed herself off from talking to him—again. Maybe one day, she would be able to tell him everything, but she knew that telling him the truth now would have hurt a lot more than her silence. She hoped that he would somehow understand that.

The brunette didn't even flinch when she heard the window open. She glanced at it as she watched her best friend enter her room. "Hey," Riley greeted softly as she sat her hairbrush down on her dresser. She knew that she was about to get an earful from Maya. Truthfully, she felt a lot more prepared for this confrontation than she did with Lucas.

"Why didn't you tell me beforehand," Maya asked as she sat in the window.

"I knew that you would talk me out of it." Riley opened her jewelry box to grab the pearl necklace that her grandmother had given her two years earlier. She froze when she saw the locket next to it. "And I needed to go. I needed to see him." Riley bit the inside of her cheek as she reached for the locket. She stared at the face of it for a moment before she slowly opened it. Romeo and Juliet. The play. Her fingers grazed the picture of her and Lucas at the balcony. Even during the play, when they barely knew one another, they had this unexplainable connection. That connection had only grown over the last year. She had never felt it stronger than when he was in her room an hour earlier. She knew he felt it too. Instead of giving into it, instead of confessing what she saw every time she closed her eyes, she chose to shut him out for his own good. She chose to put up that barrier between them in order to preserve whatever progress he had made.

"How was it?"

Maya's voice brought Riley out of her daydream. "Weird." Riley let out a long breath as she closed the locket before she placed it back inside of the jewelry box. She pulled out the strand of pearls. "Surreal. I've seen Charlie in my dreams every night for a year, but him actually being there…sitting in front of me…it was weird."

Maya walked up behind Riley. "What did he want?"

Riley turned to Maya and handed her the necklace. She spun back around to allow her best friend to put the necklace on her. "To apologize. Again. For everything. He's…been trying to work out his own issues with everything that happened."

"Why did you go?"

Riley walked toward her closet to grab a pair of heels. "Because I've been in therapy for a year, and I haven't been able to move on." She riffled through her shoes for a moment before emerging from the closet, black heels in hand. "Because now when I close my eyes, it's not just Charlie I see anymore. Because…I've tried everything else but confrontation…so I figured it was worth a shot."

Maya watched as Riley slid her shoes on. "And?"

Riley looked at her. "We'll see how it goes." She crossed her arms over her chest. "I know I needed to do it on my own, but I really wish you had been there when I left that room."

"I know. Me too." Maya gave her a small smile. Once the initial shock had passed, Maya felt hurt by Riley's decision not to tell her where she was going. After thinking about it for most of the afternoon, she realized that it was something Riley needed to do, and she was only concerned that if she had told someone about her plan to see her attacker, they would have tried to talk her out of it. "I have a…small confession to make."

"What is it?"

Maya looked down. "I texted Zay about it."

Riley reached for her black cardigan sweater. "I already know. Zay texted me. Warned me that the secret was out." She sighed. "It's fine. It was going to come out eventually anyway. Honestly, I think you did me a favor. I'm not sure how I would have been able to tell…him about it."

"I'm sorry. I got that message from you and I freaked out. So, I texted Zay. He was…Riley, he was with Farkle and Lucas when he got the messages."

Riley shook her head. "Farkle and Lucas? Together?" She ran a hand through her hair. Lucas hadn't mentioned any of that to her, neither did Zay when he texted her to warn her that the entire group knew. "And I thought I had a weird day. What were they all doing together?"

"Making up, apparently. That's all Zay would really say. Riley, I'm sorry."

"It's ok." Riley gave her a small smile. "It's not like it's some huge secret or anything. I didn't want anyone to try to stop me. I…can't believe that they're all hanging out again." Her mind wandered back to the tense conversation she had nearly an hour earlier with Lucas. "That's good. That's really good. Lucas needs…some support."

"What about you? What do you need?"

Riley looked at Maya. "Time." She looked down at the dress she wore. "Maya?"

"Riles?"

Riley lifted her head. "Lucas came by…a little while ago."

Maya sighed. She knew that Lucas would have tried to see Riley once he found out. "What happened?"

Riley folded her hands in front of her. "He wanted to know why I needed to see Charlie, and I told him that I couldn't tell him."

Maya was quiet for a moment. She knew that Riley had her reasons for what she was doing, but she couldn't help but to think that maybe things wouldn't be so bad if Lucas knew what was going on? "Riley, have you thought about talking to Lucas about it?"

Riley shook her head. "I couldn't do that. His worst fear is turning into his father. There's no way I could ever tell him that he's in my nightmares now too."

"Do you think seeing Charlie…talking to him…helped to straighten it out?"

"I don't know yet, but I'm hoping it will."


	27. Chapter Twenty Six

Chapter Twenty Six

"Thank you both for staying after class today," Mrs. Thompson told Riley and Lucas as the pair approached her desk. "I've spoken with Maya about what's been going on with you two." She waited a beat as she watched Lucas' eyes fall to the floor and Riley fold her arms across her chest. "I didn't ask for details because I don't need them, but I wanted to talk with you both about the spring play. Everyone has already auditioned, but I wanted to see how you two felt about something."

"What is it," Lucas asked. He felt a little anxious about whatever was about to come out of her mouth. Normally Ms. Thompson did what she wanted and her students simply obeyed. She was a cool teacher, but seemed pretty set in her ways. For her to ask her students their opinion on something about the play worried him.

Ms. Thompson tapped her pencil on her desk three times before she sat it down. She stood up and walked around her desk in order to gauge their reaction. "I want to cast you as Hero and Claudio. How do you feel about that?"

"I figured we would be cast opposite one another," Riley began as she glanced at Lucas, "But why Hero and Claudio? Why not Beatrice and Benedick?"

"Well, I feel like both of your personalities would fit better with the dynamic that Hero and Claudio have. Also, you both have starred in a few plays for me already. While they're still considered starring roles, they aren't quite as demanding…so, if you wanted to spend some time focusing on enjoying the rest of your last semester in high school, it'll take some of the pressure off…and to tell a secret…I've only really been able to picture you two in the roles."

"It's your decision." Riley bit the corner of her bottom lip as she glanced at Lucas once more. "We're ok playing opposite one another."

"That's not all…" Ms. Thompson sighed. "The scene where Claudio breaks off the wedding…I want to stage it similar to how they did it in the movie version we watched at the beginning of the school year. Do you remember how it went?"

Riley slowly nodded. Everything was starting to make a little more sense. Ms. Thompson had talked to Maya. Riley was sure that Maya told Ms. Thompson about what happened on her birthday. "He grabs her and shoves her."

The drama teacher nodded. "Are you going to be ok doing that?"

Riley and Lucas were silent for a few minutes as they considered the repercussions of attempting to do such an emotionally, physically charged scene. He would have to shove her. He would have to put his hands on her, and she would have to allow that to happen. It didn't matter if it was pretend or not, the thought of him hurting her made him nauseous.

Riley was the first one to snap out of her reverie. She looked up at Ms. Thompson while Lucas stared at the ground. "Y-Yeah," the uncertainty in her tone apparent, "it's just…acting, right?"

"Lucas?" Ms. Thompson shifted her attention to the stoic Texan.

Lucas slowly lifted his head. They were actually considering this? He figured Riley would have been the first to shoot down the idea, maybe even suggest that they don't play opposite one another again, but she was actually agreeing to it? "There isn't another way to play it?"

"Lucas," Riley began. When he turned to her, she gave him a small smile. "It'll be ok. It'll be good." She looked back at Ms. Thompson. "It was an intense moment in the movie. I-I know what you're trying to get from it."

Ms. Thompson kept her focus on the blonde. "Lucas, are you sure?"

He looked from Riley back to his drama teacher. "If she's willing to try, then so am I, but if she gets uncomfortable…at all…then we need to change it."

Ms. Thompson nodded. "Fair enough. Well, congratulations you two. Last high school play. Only a few months until graduation. What's next?"

* * *

As Riley and Lucas left the classroom, they both felt an unfamiliar sense of awkwardness overcome them. They hadn't spoken much at all since he confronted her about going to see Charlie. That was over a month ago. They knew what they needed to do in order to try to move on from everything that happened, and right now, that meant distance. They had both been careful to tip-toe around one another in their classes, but knew that once play rehearsals began, they would be forced to work with one another on a daily basis.

"Are you sure," he asked as they walked through the empty hallway. "I can talk to Ms. Thompson about—"

"I'm sure," she interrupted as her resolve set in. "I really enjoy acting. It's something I want to continue to do when I go to college. There are a lot of plays that require…physical contact." She looked up at him. "I'd rather have to take that step with someone I know."

When he turned his head to look at her, their eyes met. "I'm not sure if I can do it."

"You can." The pair fell silent as they continued to walk toward her locker. "I can't believe it's February already." Small talk. It was better than nothing, Riley guessed, but she still hated it. They had to go through the same thing last year, but this was different. The tension that surrounded them now seemed to scream at her. There were a million things they needed to talk about, but she knew that neither of them was ready for it.

Lucas leaned back on the locker next to hers. He watched as she fumbled with her combination. "Only a few more months left of school."

"Yeah." After three tries, she was finally able to open her locker. Nerves. She knew her combination by heart, but being around him seemed to turn her into a bumbling idiot. She cleared her throat. "Are you going to Zay's dance competition next month?"

He tried to hide his smile when he noticed that it took her a little longer than normal to open her locker. "In Boston?"

"Yeah." She reached for her history book.

"I told him I would. You?"

"Yeah." She closed her locker. "I told my dad that we should all get some hotel rooms or something…make a weekend out of it. It's a four-hour drive, one way. I can't imagine twenty of us doing all of that in one day."

"Yeah. That could be fun."

Riley hugged the textbook to her chest as she tried to think of something to say, something to prolong the inevitable end to a conversation with someone she missed more than words could ever possibly say. "Since a lot of our classmates are going, it shouldn't be…too…weird."

He let out a long breath as he pushed himself off of the lockers in order to stand up straight. "I hate this."

He didn't need to tell her what he hated. She already knew. "Me too."

"So," he began as he looked around the empty hallway in order to find something to fill the silent void that fell over them, "Where's Maya?" He didn't want the conversation to end. He didn't want them to go their separate ways. Talking to Riley had become a rarity. At the time, he knew they needed the space, but he had no idea just how much he would miss being able to talk to her. Passing her in the hallway without speaking, not walking her to class, sitting on the opposite side of the cafeteria were all things that Lucas was beginning to get used to—and he hated that.

"She went to talk to Farkle."

"Really," he couldn't hide the surprise in his voice. "That only took how long?"

"She's been…preoccupied for the last few months. College applications, play preparation, some art shows that she's had…and this need she has to take care of me all the time."

"We have that in common," Lucas muttered. His head snapped up to look at her. When she didn't seem fazed by his comment, he figured that she didn't hear him. He was grateful for that. The last thing he wanted was to have this conversation come to an abrupt end. Their conversation was awkward and slightly painful as a result of that awkwardness, but he had missed it. He missed the simple act of saying something to her and her replying to him. Couldn't they stand there forever? Did they have to go their separate ways again? "I'm glad they're finally talking about everything."

"Me too," she agreed. "I have no idea what's going to happen. We usually talk about everything, but she's been silent when it comes to the subject of him…which honestly has been fine with me considering I haven't really spoken to him since Christmas."

Lucas rubbed the back of his neck. He knew he was about to risk her wrath, but he also knew how much she loved her friends. He didn't want to be the reason why she ended a decade long friendship. "You should talk to him, Riley."

She shook her head as her mind immediately flashed back to that night on the roof and the horrible things Farkle said to both of them. "I can't get over it." She rocked back on her heels as her eyes rose up to look at her ex-boyfriend. "How were you able to forgive him so easily?"

"Because I've made several mistakes over the past year. Once he told me what was going on…how he felt…I understood." He shrugged. Forgiving Farkle seemed easy compared to everything else. He was in a bad place, and no one understood that more than Lucas did. "I'm in no position to judge anyone, you know?"

"I've tried…I've tried to forget about the whole night…to move on, but—" she stopped herself. This was why she couldn't talk to him. This was why she avoided him. It was so easy to slide back into conversation with him. She couldn't tell him—not now.

He frowned. "But what?"

"It's nothing," she shook her head.

Whatever window had been cracked open throughout their conversation had now been slammed shut. He knew that she was closing herself off from him, but that didn't stop him from trying to get her to open up. "I wish you would talk to me."

She chuckled. "It's really nothing. Just girl stuff."

"I meant…about Charlie."

Riley sucked her bottom lip in as she thought about everything. Five weeks since she saw Charlie. Though her nightmares had become less intense, she still had them. Not much had changed on that end. She was beginning to feel stronger, but she had no idea how Lucas was doing. She wasn't about to ruin whatever progress he had made in the last several weeks. He seemed better. She noticed him hanging out with the guys more, smiling, even laughing on occasion. She didn't want that to stop. She didn't want to drag him back into the darkness. "Not yet."

He took a step closer to her. He had to try. He had made a lot of progress in the past several weeks. He knew he was in a much better place than before. Whatever it was, he knew that he could handle it. "Dammit, Riley, please. I can take it. Whatever it is. I can't take you not being able to talk to me about it."

She shook her head. "Not until I figure it out."

He sighed in frustration as he took a step back from her. He knew that there was no way for them to move forward as long as she kept this secret from him. "Ok."

Why did she have to open her mouth? She knew that he was frustrated with her, and she couldn't blame him for it, but she also couldn't tell him what the real problem was. She searched her brain for something to rekindle their conversation. "How was Texas?"

Lucas nodded. "Fine." He was being short with her, but he couldn't help it. It was killing him to know that there was something she couldn't talk to him about.

"Things with your dad?"

He didn't say anything.

Riley looked down as she shifted the weight of her feet from her left foot to the right. "Lucas?"

He chewed on his bottom lip as he looked behind her. "No. I can't do it."

"Do what?" She tried to brace herself for whatever he was about to say.

He couldn't look at her. He continued to focus his attention on some arbitrary object behind her. "I can't talk to you, open up to you, if you don't trust me enough to do it either."

"Lucas, I—"

"I know," he interrupted. He didn't want her to feel bad about how she felt, but at the same time, she needed to how much it killed him. "But I've gotta figure out where I fit into your life, if I fit in at all."

"Lucas, you do. It's just that—"

"No. I'm not going to pressure you into telling me anything you aren't ready to. I'm trying to understand that it's how we have to be right now."

Riley opened her mouth to reply, to reassure him that she was doing this for him—for them—but before she could, she saw Jordan approach them. She mentally chastised herself for forgetting that she was supposed to meet up with him after her meeting with Ms. Thompson.

"Hey, Riley," Jordan greeted as he walked up to the pair. "Are you ready?"

Riley glanced at Lucas before she looked back at Jordan. "Yeah. Just give me a minute?"

He nodded. "I'll be outside." He glanced at Lucas briefly before he walked toward the front entrance of the school.

Riley waited until Jordan was out of earshot before she turned to Lucas. "He needs help with history class."

"So your dad is helping him?" He knew before he even asked what her answer would be, but he couldn't help the sarcasm that escaped him. Was he jealous of the growing friendship between Riley and Jordan? Yes. He wasn't jealous about Riley talking to other guys. It was simply that Lucas wanted to be the one she confided in. The barrier that stood between them was his source of frustration; however, it was easier to attribute the issue to a person than some unknown force that was harder to confront.

Riley let out a long breath. Suddenly, she missed the awkwardness of their earlier conversation. "No. I am."

"He's just trying to get close to you." It wasn't a question, and Lucas couldn't really blame the guy. Riley was magnetic. She had this unique energy that people couldn't help but to be attracted to. She drew everyone in.

"He's been a good friend to me, Lucas. That's all it is." It seemed ridiculous, really. Jordan? And her? Together?

Lucas knew. Maybe Riley didn't feel anything romantic toward him, but Jordan definitely had his sights set on the brunette. Lucas felt the rumble of jealousy stir within him, and he tried as hard as he could to push it back down. Jealousy led to anger, and he was trying everything he could not to be angry anymore. Maybe he needed to stay away from her for a little while longer? He hadn't felt angry in weeks. He knew that this whole Jordan situation could lead him right back down that path. "You don't owe me an explanation, Riley."

"Lucas…"

"It's fine." He looked down the hallway. He needed to let her make her own decisions. "You should go. He's waiting for you."

"It's not what you think it is." He didn't understand. She had to make him see that there was nothing going on with Jordan.

He slowly backed away from her. "It's fine Riley." He had to get out of there. He was jealous, and he knew he had no right to be. They weren't together. They were barely speaking to one another. She had a right to hang out with whomever she wanted to.

* * *

Maya sat her paintbrush down and turned to the back of the auditorium when she heard the door close. She watched as her ex boyfriend made his way toward her. She walked to the front of the stage before she sat down and swung her legs over the side. She lightly drummed her fingers against the hardwood as Farkle walked up the stairs to the stage.

"Zay said you wanted to talk," he said as he sat down next to her. He couldn't remember the last time he had been alone with her. No, that was a lie. He remembered that day vividly. It was the day she broke up with him.

She nodded. "Yeah." She let out a long breath. It felt weird to be alone with him—one of her best friends. Someone she trusted as much as she trusted Riley. Someone who had been by her side through every curveball that life seemed to throw at her. "I'm sorry."

Farkle was taken aback by her apology. What did she have to apologize for? "Why are you sorry?"

She brought her hands to her lap as she looked across the empty auditorium. "If I hadn't ignored you…if I had figured it out sooner…none of this would have happened." It was the first time she verbalized the guilt she felt about everything that happened at Riley's party. She couldn't help but to think that she was the root cause for the fight—the whole reason why Farkle provoked Lucas in the first place.

"It's not your fault. It's mine. I felt you pulling away from me, and I freaked out." He shook his head. "I really screwed everything up."

"Maybe a little," she began as she turned her head to look at him, "but they were issues that they would have had to work through anyway. From what I've heard, there was a lot of truth to the things you said…things that they hadn't quite addressed yet. I think the way you said it…the way you interfered…and what happened as a result of that is why she's still upset with you."

"How is she?"

"She's…ok. Better…since she saw Charlie, but still…distant." She was worried about Riley, but that was nothing new. Maya knew that her best friend was taking the right steps toward finally moving past everything that had happened in the last year, but there were a few things that she was still actively avoiding—the two primary ones being Lucas and Farkle. "I think she's trying to figure out how to move on." Maya stretched her legs out in front of her. "She really loves him."

"He really loves her. I don't think I've ever seen anything like it before." Maybe that was one reason he attacked them on the roof. How was it possible for them to still love one another that much after everything they had been through, while he and Maya had never really faced anything major, yet she broke up with him over how he felt? Farkle had to admit that it was the heat of the moment that pushed him over the edge. And now, all he wanted was for them to be happy.

"Yeah," Maya looked down. "Farkle, there isn't anything going on with me and Josh."

He looked away from her. "Yeah. I feel like I knew that deep down…that everything between us didn't end because of him, but…I was upset…so it was easier to blame him than it was to blame myself."

"It's not you." She ran a hand through her hair. "That sounds so clichéd, but it's not. Farkle, I have no idea what that word means. I see Riley and Lucas…and the hell they have been through in the last year…and I have no idea why they continue to fight to try to be together. I'm exhausted from it, and I'm not even involved." She started to pick at the paint on her hands. "And my mother…she doesn't have the best track record. I…don't know what love is…what that kind of love means. I also don't know what's going to happen in a few months. You're going off to Princeton. I know it's not the other end of the country, but…I don't know where I'm going to be yet. Probably at NYU with Riley, but I don't know what's going to happen while we're there. If I say the words without knowing what they mean, then it wouldn't be fair to you. If we're together when we leave for college, I can't help but to think about how stressful that would be on us. We would see each other on the weekends, if our schedules could work it out, but…what if that's not enough? What if we break up? You're one of my best friends…I can't lose you." Tears filled her crystal blue eyes as she looked up at him. "I don't regret anything about dating you…I never could…but all of this has made me realize that I can't lose you, Farkle. I'd rather have you in my life, as my best friend, than as nothing at all."

He nodded. It took losing her completely for him to realize the same thing. Riley and Maya were his best friends. They have been since they were seven years old. He needed to fix things with both of them because he couldn't imagine his life without either of them in it. "I feel the same way."

"I'm sorry," she swiped away the tears that trickled down her cheeks. "I should've talked to you about it months ago, but I didn't know what to say. How do you tell someone that you need them, but you can't be with them?"

"Maya," he reached for her hand. "I understand." He gently squeezed it. "The fight with Lucas made me realize that I can't lose you either. You're one of my best friends, and I can't imagine going through the next four years without being able to talk to you about everything going on." He slowly released her hand. "Sometimes people meet, and they date, and everything seems perfect, but the timing is wrong. And it sucks, but it's life. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I know that I need to have my friends there with me. All of them."

Maya leaned over to hug him. "Thank you," she closed her eyes. Were things starting to come back together? Did she finally get one of her best friends back?

"No. Thank you." When she pulled away from him, he gave her a small smile. "So, what's next?"

Maya looked behind her. "Well, I need to finish this wall…"

"Need some help?"

She grinned. "I'd love some."


	28. Chapter Twenty Seven

_**A/N: Thank you all for the continuous support of this story. I've rough drafted the next several chapters and have outlined the rest. I know a few of you have asked about the length, and now I can say for sure that this story will have a total of 40 chapters (like Serendipity did).**_

* * *

Chapter Twenty Seven

Lucas tossed his pen on the desk before he leaned back in his chair. _'I don't think I can do it. How could I? Not even taking to account everything that's happened in the last year, I love her. I love her, and I'm going to have to grab her, shove her, and make her cry.'_ He pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers as he tried to figure out why they had to constantly be reminded of their past when they both were trying to do their best to move on. ' _Acting or not, I can't help but feel that nothing good will come from it. I should quit the play. I should talk to Ms. Thompson, explain the situation, and either work as a stage hand or get an incomplete in the class and make it up in summer school or something. Surely if I explain the situation to the admissions office at NYU, they would understand.'_

He let out a deep breath as he stood up and began to pace around his bedroom. _'Who am I kidding? They wouldn't. Because there is no way I could possibly explain everything. And besides…if it isn't me…it would be someone else. Someone who might be vaguely aware about what happened with Charlie, but might not understand how sensitive she is…or that you can get the effect needed for the moment without having to bruise her.'_

He fell back on his bed as he stared at the ceiling. _'We both must be masochists or something. Why is everything getting worse? I'm sitting here, wishing for the days where my biggest problem was trying to stay away from her because she had a boyfriend. Maybe we aren't supposed to be together.'_ He closed his eyes as he forced himself to chase that thought away. He didn't believe in coincidences. Everything happened for a reason, and there had to be a reason for all of this. There had to be a reason why he felt drawn to her. There had to be a reason why that pull had only intensified over time, not diminished. There had to be more. Their story wasn't over. It couldn't be.

' _It's hard being in her life without really being in her life. She still won't talk to me. She barely even looks at me anymore. She hasn't spoken to Farkle in months. I know we both ruined her birthday, but that's not it. There hasn't to be something else going on.'_

' _She saw me that night. She saw who I was. She saw me at my worst.'_

He sat up. _'But, that's not who I am.'_

He stood up and quickly made his way back to the desk. He reached for the pen once again as he began to write: _'I'm not that guy. I've made some horrible choices in my life, but I'm not that person. Talking with Dr. Monroe has allowed me to discover that much. There is something between Riley and me that I can't let go of—that she can't seem to let go of either._

 _Maybe I should try harder. Maybe I should be the strong one and walk away…move on. She needs to be rid of every reminder of what happened to her, but there is a selfish part of me that refuses to walk away. I've tried. I've tried so hard.'_

' _I see her at school, in class, and all I want to do is talk to her. We don't even have to be together if she's moved on, but God, I miss talking to her. I've never been able to open up with anyone like I have with her—not even with Zay.'_

' _Maybe that's just me being selfish? At the end of the day, what matters is her. What matters is what I can do to make her more comfortable with this whole play situation.'_

' _What can I do? Maybe I can show her that I trust her? Maybe that would get her to see that I'm not who I was on the roof—that I'm the same guy she fell in love with.'_

Lucas laid the pen down as he glanced at his alarm clock. _'7:00,'_ he thought. Valentine's Day. His eyes wandered over to the notebook that sat on the edge of his desk. "I know," he muttered as he reached for it. He sat it next to him as he grabbed a blank piece of paper and began to write once more.

* * *

"I think I can say that I officially hate Valentine's Day," Maya grumbled as she reached for the bowl of popcorn between her and Riley.

"At least we've started a new tradition," Riley offered as she unwrapped a Hershey's Kiss. "Slumber party…complete with binge watching _'Red Planet Diaries'_." She popped the chocolate in her mouth. "Who needs boys when you have chocolate, right?"

"Absolutely." Maya wrapped her arm around her best friend's shoulder. "You will always be my favorite Valentine." She waited a beat. "I just hope you won't be my last Valentine."

Riley looked at her. She knew that dating Farkle had given Maya hope—hope that there was someone out there who would care about her just as much as she cared about him. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be with Farkle, but that didn't mean that she had to close herself off from the possibility of it happening again. "He's out there for you, Maya. Someone, somewhere is thinking about you at this very moment…wishing you were next to him."

"Aww," Maya cooed as she reached for the bowl again. Maya had to marvel at the magnificence of her best friend. Despite everything going on in her life, Riley had been there for Maya through the past few weeks of awkwardness with Farkle. Riley still wasn't speaking directly to him, but she had said nothing but amazing things about him and about Maya's relationship with him. It meant the world to her. Things still weren't perfect, but she was hopeful that her friendship with Farkle would survive their breakup. "You know, Riles…I'm willing to bet that the same is true about you. Only in your case, we both know who that someone is."

Riley let out a long breath. "I don't know."

Maya playfully nudged her before she reached for another handful of popcorn. "You do so know, Miss Matthews."

Riley shook her head. "We haven't talked much since…you know. When we are together, it's strictly about the play." She had no idea what was going on in his life outside of what she noticed at school, and she hated it. She hated that they simply couldn't brush everything to the side and have a normal conversation with one another.

"Well, the trip to Boston is coming up in a few weeks."

Riley frowned. "Yeah? So?"

"So," Maya drawled out as she sat up. "We all know that you two tend to come together on trips."

Riley mirrored Maya's movement as she sat back on her heels. True, things with Lucas always seemed to come to a head whenever they went somewhere, but that didn't necessarily mean that it would happen on this trip. "I don't see how everything can magically fix itself over a weekend."

Maya ran her hands through her hair as she pulled it back into a bun. "Well, you've been making progress, right?"

She shrugged as she reached for the bowl of popcorn. "I've been able to sleep a little more, if that's what you're asking."

"And the nightmares?"

"They aren't as frequent, but Maya…they're still there. Whenever I dream about Charlie, I end up dreaming about Lucas too. It's gone from every night to a few nights a week now. I think the space is helping. I think therapy is helping, but I just…" She stopped herself. _Valentine's Day._ What a wonderful reminder of everything she could have had but didn't.

"What?"

"I really miss him," Riley confessed as she stood up and walked over to the window. "Maya…what if something happened in Texas?"

Maya turned her head around to look at the brunette. Texas? What did Texas have to do with anything? "What are you talking about?"

Riley absent-mindedly ran her hand down the curtain. "He won't talk to me about anything…and the one time I brought up his trip to Texas over winter break…he got mad and fired back at me for seeing Charlie." Riley dropped the curtain and crossed her arms over her chest. "You don't think…"

Maya tilted her head to the side. "Don't think what?"

Riley spun back around to gauge Maya's reaction. Maybe if something happened in Texas, one of the guys told her. Maybe Maya was keeping it a secret because she didn't want to pile onto everything else that was going on? "Do you think he saw Jessica while he was there?"

"Riley," Maya pinned her with a knowing look. Had she completely lost her mind? "You know that he is doing everything he can to get his head on straight again. You really think he'd screw it up because of someone like her?"

"I don't know," her voice trailed as she lowered her eyes to the ground. The thought of Jessica and Lucas together in Texas had been gnawing at her for the last six weeks. She knew that he didn't owe her anything, but he deserved so much better than what that girl had to offer. "I hate this," she yelled as she threw her arms up in frustration. "I hate not being able to talk to him."

"I know you do." Maya wished she knew what to say or how to help the situation. To be honest, she had no idea where to begin. There was only one thing she could think of, but she knew Riley wouldn't agree to it. "Have you considered telling him why you visited Charlie?"

She shook her head. "I see him smiling, Maya…laughing with the guys. And there is no way I would ever risk him losing that again." If it meant continuing her efforts to try to work through it on her own, then so be it. He didn't need to be bothered with it.

"So, you'd risk losing him completely if it meant he would continue to work through his issues?"

She nodded.

Maya stared at Riley for a long moment. She couldn't believe it. She knew her best friend had the biggest heart of anyone she had ever met, but she was willing to give up the man she loved if it meant him maintaining some sort of happiness—if it meant him being unaware of the exact effect the night on the roof had on her. She was willing to give up someone she loved in order to save them. "Oh my God."

"What?"

"Both of you…you're both so…wow." Maya couldn't explain it. Was that what love was? Putting someone else's needs in front of your own? Making a choice like that without even thinking, without even pausing to reconsider? It was one of the most incredible things she had ever heard. They both had sacrificed so much for the other. "You two are just like Romeo and Juliet." In this case, it wasn't their families that tore them apart: it was their circumstances.

She couldn't get over it. It was as if a curtain had been pulled back on their entire relationship. Were they meant to be together? Maya still wasn't sure. So much had happened, but as she watched Riley turn back around in order to look out of her window, Maya knew that whatever they felt toward one another had to be love—real, pure, sacrificial love. Life (and a lot of unfortunate incidents) just got in the way of it. She cleared her throat. She needed to lighten the mood. The last thing she wanted was for Riley to feel even worse about everything that had happened. "I've got to give Ms. Thompson major props for that casting."

Riley opened her mouth to reply before she spotted something outside of her window. "What's that?"

Maya scrambled to her feet. "What's what?" She followed Riley's eye line to something propped up against the wall next to the bay window. "Only one way to find out." She opened the window and leaned out. She narrowed her eyes as she tried to navigate her vision in the dark in order to see what the object was. "Riles," she smiled. "It's for you."

Riley peered over Maya's shoulder to try to see whatever was outside of her window. She furrowed her eyebrows as she watched Maya lean out the window in order to grab the package. Riley shivered from the chilly winter breeze as she watched Maya slide back into the room, the package in her hands. Maya sat it on the bed as Riley closed the window.

The first thing Riley noticed was the single red rose. She picked it up as she brought it to her nose in order to breathe in the sweet fragrance. She looked down to see what laid underneath it. There was an envelope with her name on it and under that was a leather bound notebook. Curious, she opened the cover of the notebook. She scanned the first few lines before she covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh my God," she breathed.

"What is it," Maya asked as she inched closer to the object on the bed.

Riley's head snapped up to look at Maya. In a matter of seconds, she had completely forgotten the blonde was there. "Can you go make some more popcorn?"

Maya glanced at the half-full bowl of popcorn that laid on the opposite side of the bed. "But we have—"

"Please," she begged.

"Ok." Maya was completely dumfounded, but knew when to push Riley and when to leave her alone. If she needed to be by herself for a few minutes, then she was more than willing to allow her that space.

When she heard the door close, Riley slowly sat down on the bed as she opened the envelope.

' _Riley,_

 _My therapist thought it would be a good idea if I tried to get my thoughts out of my head, so I started this journal. I've been writing everything down for months. I filled up this journal pretty quickly. I never read over any of it, so I'm not sure how much sense it will make, but I decided that I wanted you to read it._

 _Some of it might be hard to get through, but I wanted you to know that I want you to trust me, and in order to do that, I need to be able to trust you first. So, here it is: my deepest thoughts. I haven't shared this with anyone, not even my therapist. I want you to have it._

 _When I finish the next one, I want you to have that one as well. I feel like I'm starting to become the man I want to be. I know that before anything could progress between us, you need to read the thoughts from the man I used to be._

 _You don't have to read it now, but I wanted to give it to you today of all days. You already have my heart. Now, you have everything—the light and the dark._

 _I've been trying to keep my distance from you. I know you need space. I know that when the time is right, you'll talk to me about everything you need me to know._

 _Happy Valentine's Day._

 _Love Always,_

 _Lucas'_

Riley laid the letter down next to the notebook. She stared at the brown leather book for a moment before she finally reached for it. She swallowed as she opened the cover once more. She only read the first few lines before she quickly closed it. _'I'm not ready yet.'_ She stood up and placed the notebook on top of her desk. _'But hopefully someday, I will be.'_


	29. Chapter Twenty Eight

_**A/N: Trigger warning tags of abuse/violence still apply to this story.**_

 _ **/ and italics indicate flashbacks.**_

 _ **Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to one of my best friends in the fandom, Amy! I hope you have an amazing birthday.**_

* * *

Chapter Twenty Eight

"Ok, everyone. I know this isn't very traditional, but let's take it from the beginning of the fourth act. Riley, you will be our Hero. Lucas, you are Claudio. Jordan, you'll pull double duty of Friar Francis and Don Pedro. Maya, Beatrice and Leonato. I'll read for Benedick and Don John." She grabbed a piece of chalk. "When the act begins, you all will enter from stage right and stop right here." She leaned down to place an 'x' on the ground. "We will stage everyone else when we have a formal rehearsal of the scene. This is simply to give you, Riley, and Jordan a general feel for it."

"Do you want us to start off coming in from that way," Lucas asked.

She shook her head. "That's not important right now. Let's act like we have already entered, and see how it goes."

Lucas nodded as he moved to stand where the 'x' was marked.

Ms. Thompson turned to Riley. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine." The brunette crossed her arms over her chest. Two weeks into play practice and they were finally working on the most intense moment of the entire play. Ms. Thompson thought that the first practice with this scene should be restricted to Riley, Lucas, Maya, and Jordan, the latter who played the prince and was needed as an extra body to help with some of the blocking. Darby, who played Beatrice, and Farkle, who played Benedick, were excused from attending. Ms. Thompson wanted to make sure that Riley and Lucas were comfortable with the mechanics of the scene before allowing them to rehearse it in front of the entire cast and crew.

Lucas and Riley hadn't discussed what he left for her on Valentine's Day. They didn't talk to one another at all outside of play practice. They both knew that they needed space. They both needed time to figure everything out, but it didn't make it any easier for them to be around one another.

After confronting Charlie, Riley felt the weight she had been dragging around for so long begin to lighten. She swore to herself that she wasn't going to be a victim any longer. She was going to do everything possible to move forward. Though the Charlie nightmares had begun to fade, her nightmares of the guy who stood next to her had only intensified. She thought all of it would disappear. She thought that she could untangle the images of Charlie and Lucas, but now that she was beginning to make peace with the past, the images of Lucas on the rooftop seemed to occupy the now vacant space in her brain.

She still refused to speak to Farkle. She knew that if she did, she would only offer up false forgiveness. She knew that she wouldn't be able to forgive Farkle until the nightmares ceased.

It was all going to make for an interesting trip to Boston the following weekend.

Lucas had filled up almost three notebooks in almost three months of therapy. With every word written, he felt his anger lessen. Spending Christmas in Texas—spending some time with his father—also helped him to try to figure out why everything happened the way it did. He went to therapy three days a week, and never once missed an appointment. He was determined to face his past, face his demons, and defeat them all in order to become the person he wanted to be.

He wanted to ask Riley if she had read the first journal, but knew that she would talk to him about it in her own time. The ball was in her court now. He wasn't about to pressure her into diving into his innermost thoughts, but knew that she needed to see him for who he truly was—faults and all.

"Let's take it from the top then. Maya?"

Maya looked down at the script. This was absolutely insane, but there was no sense in talking Riley out of it. She didn't want to be a witness to whatever catastrophe was about to take place, but also knew that no matter what happened, Riley would need her, and that trumped every instinct Maya had to run away from whatever was about to happen.

 **LEONATO**

Come, Friar Francis, be brief; only to the plain

form of marriage, and you shall recount their

particular duties afterwards.

 **FRIAR FRANCIS**

You come hither, my lord, to marry this lady.

Lucas's eyes fell to Riley, whose own eyes were fixated on the ground. Did they all fall into some alternate universe? There was no other explanation for it, because in what sane, normal world would they even consider choreographing a scene from a play like this? After everything that had happened, why was she doing this? Why was she so insistent that she get pushed and shoved around on stage—by him of all people?

 **CLAUDIO**

No.

Maya looked up at Lucas. He uttered one syllable, but she immediately sensed the hesitancy in his tone. Maya's stomach churned. Her friendship with Lucas had been strained ever since the breakup. Before then, they had gotten close. They came from similar backgrounds and had a similar pessimistic outlook on life. He was like the brother she never had. Then everything fell apart. There was always an unspoken understanding that she would stick by Riley, and somewhere in her own need to protect her best friend, Maya's friendship with Lucas had practically vanished.

Even though they hadn't really spoken in months, she knew that he didn't want to be there anymore than she did.

 **LEONATO**

To be married to her: friar, you come to marry her.

 **FRIAR FRANCIS**

Lady, you come hither to be married to this count.

Riley slowly lifted her eyes to briefly look at Jordan before they slowly landed on Lucas. She knew that everyone thought she was crazy for doing this, but she had to try. If she wanted to continue to act, she knew that at some point, she would come across a physical play, and what better way to get over her issues than to meet them head on? Seeing Charlie a few months prior had helped her, so why couldn't this help her too?

 **HERO**

I do.

"Reach for his hand," Ms. Thompson instructed.

Riley looked back down as she reached for him.

 **FRIAR FRANCIS**

If either of you know any inward impediment why you

should not be conjoined, charge you, on your souls,

to utter it.

Lucas lightly squeezed her hands, grateful for any contact with her, even though she was instructed to do so. He needed reassurance. He needed that brush of tenderness from her before he allowed himself to go to that dark place again—a place he swore he would never revisit. He needed to know that it was ok.

 **CLAUDIO**

Know you any, Hero?

Even though it was the right line, that the way Lucas delivered it told Riley that she could stop at any time. If she had any reservations about doing this, one word was all it would take to stop all of it from happening.

She wasn't going to take him up on the offer.

 **HERO**

None, my lord.

 **FRIAR FRANCIS**

Know you any, count?

 **LEONATO**

I dare make his answer, none.

 **CLAUDIO**

O, what men dare do! what men may do! what men daily

do, not knowing what they do!

He felt the acidic tone pour from him, as Claudio's spite could no longer be restrained; yet Claudio wasn't in complete control. Lucas made sure of that. He wasn't about to let himself get swept up in this moment. If it made for a more flat performance, then so be it. The performance didn't matter.

She did.

 **BENEDICK**

How now! interjections? Why, then, some be of

laughing, as, ah, ha, he!

 **CLAUDIO**

Stand thee by, friar. Father, by your leave:

Will you with free and unconstrained soul

Give me this maid, your daughter?

 **LEONATO**

As freely, son, as God did give her me.

His heart began to pound as they inched closer and closer to the moment that he had dreaded ever since he found out whom they had been cast as. He still felt in control. His inner demons weren't yelling at him to give into the anger that he had spent the last three months trying to contain, and his mind still would not allow him to get lost in the pages of Shakespeare—to give into the characterization of Claudio.

 **CLAUDIO**

And what have I to give you back, whose worth

May counterpoise this rich and precious gift?

 **DON PEDRO**

Nothing, unless you render her again.

 **CLAUDIO**

Sweet prince, you learn me noble thankfulness.

There, Leonato, take her back again

Lucas swallowed as he stepped back from Riley and slowly released her hands. He still felt completely in control of his emotions. It was his brain that screamed at him to stop the madness. He turned to Ms. Thompson. "A-And then…the push."

"Yes," she answered as she looked between the pair. Maya had advised her that portraying the scene as violently as in the movie would be too much for Lucas and Riley. It was the primary reason she met with both of them before she announced the cast list in order to see if they had any reservations about the scene. Lucas seemed a lot more resistant than Riley. She was more than willing to accommodate both of them, but Riley had been insistent every time she mentioned altering the scene. She wanted to remain professional. She didn't want her personal life to interfere with it. Ms. Thompson could respect that, so, she decided to hold a small practice for them in order to get acclimated to the material without a huge audience watching them.

Lucas knew that it was all just an act, but right now, it felt like an extreme form of therapy. His biggest fear had always been hurting her, and now he had to. Even though it was pretend, and even though it wouldn't be a forceful shove, he would still have to go to that dark place, and he wasn't sure if he could. The thought alone made him nauseous.

He needed her to see he wasn't that monster on the roof. The day he realized it was the day he also realized that he wasn't what his past dictated and only he could control his future. He wasn't about to allow his mistakes to continue to haunt him. He had never felt so strong—which was why he really dreaded this particular day of play practice. He didn't want to slide back into who he used to be. He turned back to Riley. "Umm…if…if it's too much, just tell me…"

She nodded. "It's only acting, right?" She wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him or herself of it. Over the last several weeks, she had managed to get a few hours of sleep a night before the nightmares hit, but the last few days offered her no such luxury. She was about to face the nightmare she had been running from since her birthday. She swallowed. Thankfully, the entire cast and crew weren't there.

"Are you ok," Jordan asked.

Riley felt the color slowly drain from her cheeks. No more running. No more hiding. This was actually happening. "Yeah," she uncrossed her arms. "Let's get this over with." She stepped closer to Lucas as she held her hands out for him to hold.

As Lucas took her hands in his, he looked into her eyes. "You're in control here, Riley. All you have to do is tell me to stop and I will."

She nodded. "Thanks, Lucas," she said softly.

Lucas closed his eyes for a moment as he tried to convince himself that all of this was pretend. It wasn't real. They could stop at any moment. As he opened his eyes, he looked toward Maya.

 **Claudio:**

Father, by your leave:

Will you with free and unconstrained soul

Give me this maid, your daughter?

Maya glanced at Riley and immediately noticed that she had started to tremble. "Riley, are you sure?"

She nodded. "Let's focus on the play," she softly commanded. Inwardly, a small part of Riley began to scream at her. Why was any of this necessary? Why was she allowing herself to be pushed around by someone who now held her nightmares hostage? What good was going to come out of doing this?

Maya sighed before she looked down at her script.

 **LEONATO**

As freely, son, as God did give her me.

 **CLAUDIO**

And what have I to give you back, whose worth

May counterpoise this rich and precious gift?

Jordan didn't like this. He was grateful that Ms. Thompson asked him to come to the practice. It made things easier for him, because no matter what, he was going to show up anyway. He was there on the roof that night. He saw the aftermath of what happened. He may not have known Riley when she got attacked, but he saw the fear in her eyes and the blind hatred in his. Jordan knew Riley was petrified, and he wanted nothing more than to be there for her in case things got too intense.

 **DON PEDRO**

Nothing, unless you render her again.

Lucas felt his hands shake as they held hers. He wasn't sure which one of them was trembling or if, as he strongly suspected, it was both of them. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to be here with her like this. He wanted to quit the play, but he knew that he would never be able to stomach anyone else doing this to her either. This way, he could control it.

 **CLAUDIO**

Sweet prince, you learn me noble thankfulness.

His stomach churned as he dropped her hands in order to grip her upper arms.

As soon as his hands brushed against her arms, Riley's mind flashed back to last year—to the beginning of her nightmare.

 _/She was scared. For the first time in her life, Riley was completely scared of her boyfriend. She had never seen anyone look at her the way he looked at her at that moment. Tears began to form in her eyes. "No, that's not it at all," she tried to explain. When he reached forward and grabbed her arms, Riley whimpered, the pain of his grip instantly hitting her./_

"Stop," Riley shouted.

Lucas immediately dropped her hands and took a few steps back from her. A shooting pain coursed through him as the sound of her plea reached his ears. He felt the color drain from his cheeks and the pit in his stomach expand. He was going to be sick.

"Riles," Maya said as she stepped closer to the quaking brunette. "You don't have to do this. We can do something else for the scene." She looked up at the drama teacher. "Ms. Thompson, please."

"No!" Riley shook her head. "I need to try it. Just give me a minute." She ran a hand through her hair as her eyes fell to the ground. Was she going to be able to go through with this? She hadn't thought about that moment with Charlie in her room in months, and suddenly, it was the only thing on her mind. She remembered the fear she had, the pain she felt as soon as he gripped her arms. Lucas was nowhere close to squeezing her arms like that. He had barely touched her. When she looked up, she saw the concerned faces of everyone around her. She had to try.

She let out a breath as she spun back around to face Lucas. She walked up to him, grabbed his right hand and placed it on her left arm. She then did the same thing with his left hand on her right arm. "Ok," she raised her eyes to look into his as she swallowed the lump in her throat. "Let's continue."

Lucas shook his head. He couldn't do this. "Riley, I don't think I—"

"Please," she softly begged. She had to defeat her memories. She had to beat the past. Now was her chance. She wasn't going to give up now. "Just…do it."

"Why don't we take it from your line, Jordan," Ms. Thompson suggested. "Riley, Lucas…you two are in control. Any time you want to stop, stop."

 **DON PEDRO**

Nothing, unless you render her again.

Lucas paused. Why? Why was he doing this? He didn't want to do this. He knew that she didn't want to do this either. So, why didn't he stop it?

Because she asked him not to. She wanted to try. She wanted to subject them both to relieving parts of their past that they both were trying to move on from. Would it help? Lucas didn't think so. If the nausea he had were any indication, nothing good was going to come from doing this.

 **CLAUDIO**

Sweet prince, you learn me noble thankfulness.

Lucas watched her as she closed her eyes to brace herself for the next few seconds. Was she thinking about Charlie? Was she thinking about every grab, every smack, every painful second of the torture he had inflicted on her? Was she trying to imagine Charlie in front of her? Did she see him as Charlie? Lucas suddenly took a step back. He turned to Ms. Thompson. "I can't do it."

Riley opened her eyes. She briefly glanced back at Maya before she took a step toward him. "Yes, you can."

He turned his head back to her. He would give anything to know what was on her mind. "How? How can I do it? Acting or not. Riley, I can't hurt you."

"You won't. You said it yourself. It's acting. And it's something we need to be able to do. Why not learn together? Why not work through it…together?" Though her voice was steady, her heart had quickened its pace. She was scared to death. She didn't want to do this anymore than he did. So why was she pushing for him to do it when she felt like she was ten seconds away from passing out? "Can we try it one more time," she asked him. "One time. The whole way through. Then we'll reassess."

"How are you so calm right now," he asked her. He could have sworn that she wanted someone to step in, to put an end to all of this. Not a minute earlier, she seemed petrified of the entire situation. Why did she insist on seeing this scene through?

"I'm not," she answered honestly.

"We're all right here for you guys," Maya told the pair. "But if you don't think you can-"

"We'll try it. We promised that much." Riley took a step closer to him. "Right, Lucas?"

He shook his head. He wasn't going to do this. He tried. He knew that she was scared—scared of him, of what he could do. All he wanted was to leave the stage, find a bathroom, and throw up. Why did he have to do this? As her brown eyes silently pleaded for him to continue, he knew he would never be able to refuse her. "One more time," he finally said despite his better judgment.

 **DON PEDRO**

Nothing, unless you render her again.

Lucas's palms began to sweat. He willed himself not to look at her. One look and he knew he wouldn't be able to get through this at all.

 **CLAUDIO**

Sweet prince, you learn me noble thankfulness.

He let out a breath as he dropped her hands once more to grip her arms. He heard her sharp intake of breath, but she didn't protest or asked him to stop. His grasp was firm, but not uncomfortable. He could've sworn that she was about to put an end to this—that she would finally realize what everyone else on the stage already had—that this was insane. He thought that this was as far as they were going to take it. His heart stopped when he realized that she wasn't going to stop him this time. He was actually going to have to go through with the rest of the scene.

He spun her around so her back was to him. He held his breath as he closed his eyes. He couldn't watch himself do it. He felt her struggle under his grasp, but she still wasn't yelling for him to stop. He had to let go. He had to push her away. His teeth clamped down on the inside of his cheek as he finally shoved her toward Maya.

 **CLAUDIO**

There, Leonato, take her back again:

Give not this rotten orange to your friend;

She's but the sign and semblance of her honour.

Before he could finish his monologue, he stopped as he forced himself to look at Riley. She, as instructed by Ms. Thompson, had sunk to the ground in Maya's arms. Her face was completely pale. "Riley?" He quickly knelt down by her side.

 _/When he reached forward and grabbed her arms, Riley whimpered, the pain of his grip instantly hitting her. It felt like he was trying to crush her bones. Just a little more pressure and Riley was certain that her bones would snap. "Charlie," she said through gritted teeth, "you're hurting me."_

" _Good," he sneered before he let her go, pushing her back as he did so. He watched her stumble back a few steps before he turned away from her. /_

Riley's entire body shook as Maya held her. Her mind wasn't there—her mind was everywhere else. That night with Charlie in her bedroom. The night he smacked her in her living room. The ski lodge. She was also back on the roof the night of Lucas's fight with Farkle. The pushing, the shoving, the hitting…everything began to playback through her mind in stunning detail. When was it going to stop? When would it all be over with? She confronted Charlie and she thought things were getting better. She thought that she was facing what happened to her head on. So why did she feel worse about everything now?

Her mind snapped back to reality when she noticed that Lucas had reached his hand out to help her stand up. Her eyes slowly lifted to meet his. "I-I-I'm sorry," she croaked out as her eyes watered. "I thought I could…you were right. I-I can't do this." She ignored Lucas's offered hand as she scrambled to stand up on her own. Once she was able to, she quickly sprinted from the stage. She thought she could handle it. She thought that confronting everything through acting would somehow allow her relief from the images that continued to torment her, but it didn't.

Jordan looked at Maya, who had begun to walk towards the retreating brunette. "Let me," he told the blonde. Before she could protest, he jogged off the stage to find Riley.

Maya turned to Lucas, who still knelt on the ground. She had no idea what to say, how to act. She would always be on Riley's side when it came to pretty much anything, but she knew that Lucas was only acting. She knew that Riley knew that he was only acting. "Lucas, it's going to be ok."

He looked up at Maya as he slowly rose to his feet. "Then why do I feel like everything is ten times worse now?" He glanced in the direction that Riley ran off. His stomach tightened up. "I…need to go." He turned around and quickly exited the opposite side of the stage.

He jogged down the hallway until he reached the bathroom. He barely made it into the stall before he crouched down in front of the commode and emptied the contents of his stomach.

How did everyone convince him that doing something like that would be ok? Acting or not, he never wanted to grab her like that, shove her to the ground, treat her as if she wasn't the most precious thing in the world to him. _'If she didn't see me as a monster before, she does now,'_ he thought miserably as he sat on the cold tile floor.


	30. Chapter Twenty Nine

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Riley sighed happily as she slept. One thing she quickly realized over the last year was how precious the simple act of sleeping was. Nightmare after nightmare, night after night, exhausted her far more than not sleeping at all did. So, she tried to stay awake. Eventually, she would succumb to the demands of her body to seek rest, but she always woke up in a cold sweat, the images of some horrific memory dancing through her mind.

That was then.

Lately, a few nights a week, she was able to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. Most of the time, she couldn't remember her dreams when she woke up, and to be honest, she didn't care to know what they contained. All she cared about was the fact that she was starting to feel a little more normal again. Confronting Charlie had helped more than she initially thought it would. She realized that there wasn't a quick fix to set everything straight again and that everyone around her had been right all along: the biggest healer was time.

She smiled against her pillow as her mind wandered two thousand miles and a different lifetime away. She would recognize the place anywhere.

The hill.

As she watched the breathtaking light show that the night sky offered, she couldn't help but to feel everything that she had missed for so long. She felt safe as the seemingly endless blanket of stars above her wrapped around the entire horizon. She was completely at peace. Her mind was no longer on the past and everything that had happened. She now looked forward to the future and all of the possibilities that came with it.

A squeal sliced through the silence around her, but for Riley, the sound only heightened her joy in that moment. She turned her head as she saw three figures approach her. They were cast in shadow, so Riley could only see their silhouettes, but she didn't need to see their faces to know who they were.

"Need some help," she chuckled into the dark.

"Mommy, mommy," the girl squealed as she sprinted toward Riley.

Riley sat up as a four year old nearly tackled her, the sound of her laughter bringing a smile to Riley's face. As the little girl with chestnut curls crawled into her lap, Riley turned to the other two figures. "It's way past their bedtime."

"It's one night," Lucas smiled as he slowly sat next to Riley, a two year old little boy cradled in his arms. "Besides, I think we lost one already."

Riley smiled. "He looks just like you."

Lucas looked down at the sleeping toddler. "It's only fair. Your mini-me is in your lap, and besides…he's not just like me. He has your hair."

"I'll never get tired of this view," Riley sighed happily as her eyes wandered back up. She felt whole, complete, as the miniature version of her snuggled into her arms. Everything felt so perfect.

"Me either."

She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. His eyes were solely focused on her. "You aren't even looking," she chuckled.

"Oh, I am," he assured her. "I will never get tired of this view."

Despite the blush that crept up on her cheeks, Riley lowered her eyes to look at him. "Lucas?"

His smile faded as if he could read her suddenly troubled mind. "I know what you're going to say. Please don't." He glanced at the sleeping bundle in his arms before he looked back at her. "Can't we just…stay here for a little while longer?"

Riley glanced down at the little girl in her arms before she eyed the toddler in Lucas's. "I don't even know what their names are," she swallowed. Shouldn't she know the names of her own children?

"Riley, please," he begged. "Don't question it."

"But Lucas," she insisted as her eyes met his, "how can I not…"she stopped as the reality of the world around her hit her. "This isn't real."

He lowered his gaze to the ground. "Why did you have to say it?"

She had hurt him. She could tell by his sudden shrunken demeanor and the way he now seemed to look everywhere else but at her. "What do you mean?"

The ground underneath them began to vibrate.

"Lucas? Lucas, what's happening?" The vibration intensified as Riley's worried eyes looked around them. Was it an earthquake?

"What happens every time," he said dejectedly. "I can't let you go, Riley, but I know that I have to."

"What?"

A crack on the hill began to form as the earth now violently shook beneath them. The crack quickly split down the middle of the hill, effectively separating the pair. The stars above suddenly disappeared, darkness settling over the area around them. Riley tried to cling to the little girl in her arms, but she had already disappeared. "Lucas," she called out into the blackened void, "I'm scared."

"Riley, please don't forget," he called out to her. "Remember! Remember us! Remember who we are!"

As the crack continued to widen, a burst of light shot up from the earth below and into the otherwise pitch-black sky. Instantly, she was transported away from the hill, and back to the rooftop of her parents' apartment building. Rapidly, she watched everything as it unfolded on the night of her birthday. She saw herself kissing Lucas on the rooftop. She watched as Farkle approached them, provoked them. Then she saw Lucas hit him. She tried to look away, but she couldn't. Some invisible force made her watch every horrible second, just as it did before. She watched as Farkle punched Lucas before Lucas knocked Farkle to the ground. She heard herself scream for help, to no avail.

Riley tried to run to the trio, to change the past, to prevent the last several months from being real. She reached for Lucas's arm to get him to stop his assault on one of his best friends. When he pulled his fist back, she saw the beaten body on the ground.

It was practically unrecognizable, but she immediately knew that the bruised and bloodied body on the ground wasn't Farkle: it was her.

Riley shot up in bed as her heart slammed against her chest. Her heart pounded so hard in her chest that it took her a few moments to catch her breath. She bent her knees up to her chest as she wrapped her arms around her legs. "It was only a dream," she told herself three times as she stared out the window.

Just when she thought that she had steadied herself, tears formed in her eyes. "Why can't I get over this," she groaned in frustration as she reached for the closest pillow to her and threw it across the room.

* * *

"So I think I'll go to Boston," Maya sung out as the bus drove by a "Welcome to Boston" sign. She looked at the pensive brunette next to her. "Come on Riles, sing with me. I know you know this song."

Riley chuckled. "I think you have it covered." She leaned her head against the window as the bus navigated around the bustling city. "I'll be glad to get off of this bus."

"The ride wasn't so bad, was it," Maya asked as she looked around. "Twenty classmates all on one bus…all prepared to cheer the dance team on tomorrow."

"Yeah…twenty people," Riley sighed as she turned back to face Maya. "I only know about six of them, two of which I'm not exactly on good terms with right now."

Maya glanced toward the front of the bus where all of the guys were seated. "You know it was acting."

"I do. I know that it was what Ms. Thompson wanted…and that he did what he needed to…what I asked him to do."

"You know he didn't want to do it. The whole time he insisted that it was a bad idea, and honestly, I agree with him. Riley, I—" She stopped herself when she watched Riley lean her head back against the window once more. She knew that scolding Riley for going through with that play practice wouldn't do her, or anyone else, any good. Maya had made her opinion about the situation known, but she also knew that complaining about it would do nothing to alter the fact that it happened. The best thing Maya could do was to continue to support her. "Have you talked to him about it?"

"I sent him a text and told him that it wasn't his fault, but nothing else." She sat back up. "What else could I have said to him? 'Sorry I freaked out. I'm clearly mentally unstable.'" She looked down. "I've never felt more unlike myself than I do right now and I don't know what any of it means. Is this who I am now?"

Maya looped her arm through Riley's. "Why don't you open your beautiful mouth and talk to him about it?"

"Because I can't tell him anything without telling him everything."

"Maybe that's not a bad thing."

"But it's not a good thing. He's in a better place now." Her eyes wandered toward the front of the bus where she saw Farkle, Zay, and Lucas laughing. "He's smiling again…laughing even. How can I just walk up to him and say 'oh, I know you've been wondering what's wrong with me and well…it's you.'" Riley shook her head. "There is no way I'm going to take that smile away from him." He had pulled himself out of the darkness. She was going to protect his progress no matter what it cost—even if it meant losing him.

Maya glanced at the guys. "It's not his real smile. You know it. Even I know it." She looked back at Riley. "If you want him to be happy…to be truly happy, then you'll be honest with him." She watched as Riley turned her head back to look out the window. "I want you to be happy, Riles. It's about time for it, don't you think? You confronted Charlie…you've been able to make peace with that. Talking to Lucas should be a cake walk in comparison."

"It won't be," she said quietly as she leaned her forehead against the cool glass of the window. "I didn't care if what I said hurt Charlie. I know that this will hurt Lucas…and it's the last thing I want, Maya. After everything that's happened, I can't see him hurt again…not when I can prevent it."

"You think not talking to him is not hurting him?" When Riley didn't reply, Maya glanced back at the boys. She noticed that Lucas was looking in their direction, the smile he had not a minute earlier had faded into deep concentration. She turned her head back to Riley. "We're graduating in a few months. Then college. You need to talk to him. He's put himself out there. He gave you his journal."

"I still haven't read it," she confessed.

"I know you haven't." She leaned her head against Riley's shoulder. "Talk to him, Riley. We both know that avoiding confrontation only does more harm than good."

* * *

"Of course your dad would have all the girls on the top floor and the guys on the bottom floor," Maya chuckled as she unzipped her bag.

"Honestly, I'm surprised we're all in the same hotel," Riley replied as she sat her bag on the bed.

The girls heard a knock on the door. "I got it," Maya said as she stepped toward the door. She looked through the peephole before she smirked. "A gentleman caller," she drawled in a fake southern accent before she opened the door. "Jordan, to what do we owe the pleasure?"

The brunette chuckled as he stood in the doorway. "Hey, Maya."

Maya leaned against the door as she raised an eyebrow at their visitor. They had barely stepped foot in their room and already the trip was proving to be an interesting one. "You know if Mr. Matthews sees you up here, you're gonna be in trouble."

"I'll take my chances," he smiled. "May I come in?"

"Of course," Riley smiled as she closed one of the drawers. "What's up?"

Jordan stepped into the room while Maya closed the door behind him. "Some of us are thinking about going to go find somewhere to eat…maybe explore the city a little. You guys want to come?"

"Who all is going," Maya asked as she sat on her bed.

"Zay, Farkle, Darby, Yogi, Lucas…" Jordan trailed off. When he noticed Riley's smile slightly falter, he let out a nervous chuckle. "So, it's guaranteed to be awkward."

Riely crinkled her nose despite Jordan's attempt to lighten the potentially uncomfortable situation. "I'll pass. Thanks for asking though."

"Well, why don't the three of us go instead," he suggested.

"We need a chaperone to come too," Riley reminded him.

"What about your dad? Darby's dad is going with the others, so he might be free to join us." He sensed both girls' hesitancy. "Come on. You need to eat some time, right?"

Riley thought about it for another moment before she finally shrugged. "That could be fun."

Maya snorted. "With your dad?"

Riley rolled her eyes. "You love my dad."

Maya opened her mouth to protest, but instead let out a soft laugh. "Yeah. True."

* * *

"What's taking so long," Yogi groaned as the small group waited in the lobby.

"Girls take forever to get ready," Zay answered. "Figured you would already know that since you and Darby have been dating since middle school." He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out before he quickly scanned the text message. "Oh."

"What is it," Lucas asked.

Zay frowned. "The girls aren't coming." He typed out a reply before he slid his phone back into his pocket. "They're going to dinner with Mr. Matthews."

"Oh," Lucas replied. It made sense. He knew Riley had been avoiding him for a while. She insisted, through texts, that she was ok, and that her 'freak out' had nothing to do with him, but Lucas wasn't convinced. If it didn't, why did it feel like she was purposefully going out of her way to avoid being around him?

Farkle looked around the small group. "So, where's Jordan? I thought he said he was coming too?"

"He's…going with them," Zay answered as he waited for a reaction from Lucas. Zay may not be affiliated with the play, but he was also in the same history class as everyone else and had observed first hand the way Jordan looked at Riley and would often go out of his way to talk to her. He knew that Lucas was well aware of the same fact.

Lucas stiffened as he chewed on his bottom lip in concentration. He knew Jordan was trying to get closer to Riley. Was she finally letting him? Did she like him too? He had no idea what was going on anymore. All he wanted was to talk to her about it, but she refused and insisted that everything was fine in those few instances where he had the courage to say something. Lucas exhaled as he slowly stood up. "Well, are we ready to go get something to eat?"

"Are you ok," Farkle asked.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"


	31. Chapter Thirty

_**A/N: Guest, yes, there is going to be an end to this. haha. Chapter 40 (but according to ff, it'll be Chapter 41.) No third installment will be made to this.**_

 _ **Thank you all for the continuous support of this fic. We're getting there.**_

* * *

Chapter Thirty

"Come on," Riley begged her father as the small group took the elevator down to the hotel lobby. She looped her arms through his as she grinned at him. "We're all dressed up and everything. It'll be fun."

Cory smiled at the enthusiastic expression on his daughter's face. He couldn't remember the last time she lit up like that. "Let's go then! Gaslight it is." If eating at a certain restaurant could bring even an ounce of joy her, he would gladly comply.

"Yay," she beamed as the elevator doors opened to the lobby. As the group piled out, Riley practically ran into someone who was attempting to get onto the elevator. "Excuse me," Riley chuckled as she tried to steady herself on the heels she wore.

"It's…fine," Lucas trailed off as he reached out to steady her. He swallowed as he took in her appearance. She wore a light pink, lace covered dress that fell to her mid-thigh. The nude heels she wore gave her nearly four inches of height, which was why it took Lucas a few seconds to realize who he had bumped into. She looked absolutely incredible. "You look…beautiful…Riley."

Riley folded her hands in front of her as she stepped out the way to allow the others to walk into the elevator. "Thank you…Lucas."

Lucas lingered behind as the group he was with left him in the lobby with her. He glanced at the rest of the group she was with. Maya was also dressed up while Jordan wore a button down shirt with a blazer over it. The look reminded him of someone else he knew, but Lucas couldn't quite figure it out until he shifted his gaze to his history teacher. _'They could be twins,'_ he mused. He turned his attention back to the brunette in front of him. "Heading out to dinner now?"

"Yeah," she glanced back at Maya, Jordan, and her father who were huddled around Jordan's phone as they pulled up the directions for the restaurant. She turned back to Lucas. "Maya and I decided to dress up." She looked down at her outfit. "Pretty ridiculous to dress up to go to dinner with my father, right?"

"Not at all." His breath caught in his throat when she lifted her eyes to look at him. Riley had pinned up most of her hair, save for a few loose tendrils, which framed her face perfectly. One of those wisps had slowly fallen over her eye. As she swept it away, Lucas couldn't help but to remember their one night together in Texas. At one point, her hair had fallen over her eye exactly like that. Only that time, he was lucky enough to be the one who swept it away. It was a brief moment between them, but one that he had carried with him throughout their breakup and the last several months of miscommunication and misunderstandings. He took a shaky breath as he forced himself to push that memory to the side. "Where are you going?"

Riley noticed how nervous he seemed to be around her. She hated it. They couldn't have a simple conversation anymore without someone getting uncomfortable. Maybe this was something that time couldn't heal? Maybe people were meant to come into your life for a moment, to teach you something, to help you, and then disappear once the resolution had been reached? As she stood in front of Lucas Friar, she began to see another option in this whole ordeal. As painful as it would be, she began to think that maybe the best thing for everyone would be if they walked away as strangers. He could have a beautiful life without her—one where he wasn't reminded of the pain of the past.

When she blinked, she remembered that he had asked her a question. One that she hadn't answered yet. "Umm…Gaslight…it's a French-American place. I've…always wanted to go to Paris, so I figured it would be somewhere fun to go…practice my French."

A small smile formed at the corners of his lips. "Bonjour Riley."

She mimicked his smile with one of her one. "Bonjour Lucas."

He was 99% sure she wasn't completely well versed in the language, but there was only one-way to find out for sure. "Peut être vous et moi serons à Paris ensemble?"

Riley blinked a few times as she tried decipher what he had said. She was able to pick out a few words, but not enough to understand the question. "Uh…Bonjour, Lucas," she finally answered.

He let out a soft chuckle as his eyes fell to the ground. "I won't keep you guys. Have a good night, Riley."

"Thanks." She waited until he walked away until she approached her group. "You guys ready?"

"I'm starved," Maya said as she looped her arm through Riley's.

* * *

"Good call on the restaurant, Riles," Maya said as she pulled out her pajamas. "The food was amazing. I'm stuffed."

"It was good, wasn't it," she said as she came out of the bathroom wearing a pair of leggings and an oversized NYU sweatshirt. She reached for a hanger to hang her dress back up. "Sometimes, I do have good ideas."

"It was relaxing," Maya noted as she walked to the bathroom. "Not sure if we would've had that had we gone with the other group."

"Yeah," she said softly as she quickly unpinned her hair. She ran a hairbrush through her tangled locks before she finally pulled it back into a messy bun.

"I'm exhausted," Maya called out as she changed her clothes. "Definitely going to sleep like a baby tonight."

"I'm not tired at all," the brunette admitted. She bit the inside of her cheek as she sat on the bed. She slid on a pair of socks before she put her sneakers on.

As Maya exited the bathroom, she frowned at Riley. "Going somewhere?"

Riley looked up at the blonde. "I think I'm going to go downstairs for a bit. Wander around the hotel."

Maya slid her dress on a hanger. "You want me to come with you?"

"No," she shook her head as she stood up. "I just need to walk around for a little bit…clear my head."

"Ok." Maya walked toward Riley to give her a hug. "It's going to be ok, Riles."

"I know." She pulled the sleeves down to cover her hands. "Tonight was the first night in a long time where I felt…normal. My mind wasn't on…anything."

"That's good," Maya smiled.

"Y-Yeah. I think it might be."

* * *

As Riley wandered around the sprawling lobby, she had to marvel at how nice the hotel was. She noticed a little nook in a corner that had a massive curved window with a bench placed in front of it. It reminded Riley a lot of her bay window-her safe place. She did a lot of daydreaming and contemplating at that window over the years. Since she was four hours away from it, she figured that maybe this bay window would somehow help her to clear her mind. She sat down before she turned her head to gaze outside.

Like New York, the ambient light blocked out any stars that would normally shine overhead. At that moment, Riley realized that she missed Texas. She missed those precious nights looking up at the stars, losing all sense of time, and feeling completely protected and safe. Would she ever feel that way again? She knew that she and Lucas were at some sort of stalemate now. Every look, every awkward conversation was becoming more and more painful. Maybe she should tell him what the problem was?

But he smiled now. He laughed now. Could she risk his progress, his newfound happiness like that?

But she also knew that he wasn't happy. Not really. That was something Riley made up in order to continue to hide from him. She knew it. Maya knew it.

She needed to read his journal, but some part of her refused to let her. Every time she opened it and read the first few lines, something would stop her, prevent her from continuing. She must have opened it a hundred times in the last week alone. She knew the first four sentences by heart:

' _My therapist suggested that I start to write down my thoughts and feelings as they come to me. It seems ridiculous to me that writing it all down will somehow help the mess I've created, but I have to do something. I've completely lost sight of who I am, of who I want to be. While that's enough for anyone to easily fill up a book full of pent up emotions in order to rediscover themselves, as I sit here, my only thoughts right now are centered around Riley and what she witnessed.'_

She knew that no matter what came after, it would change things. At first she thought that any change would be a good change from the purgatory from where she currently found herself in, but as her eyes hovered around that fourth period, she couldn't bring herself to read further, to read how he felt about that night, how he felt about her after the incident. She felt that she was intruding on his deepest thoughts, and even though he was the one to give her journal, she wasn't ready to read it.

And she knew the reason why she wasn't ready.

Because it wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair to him that he would, quite literally, become an open book to her while she still ran from him. She knew that if she read it, she would then have to tell him everything, and she still wasn't ready for that. She didn't want to be forced into making that decision. She wanted to talk to him in her own time and not do it out of some obligation. He deserved more than that.

"Riley?"

Riley turned her head as she was brought out of her muddled thoughts. "Jordan. Hey."

"Hey," he smiled. He looked next to her. "Is this seat taken?"

She shook her head. "No." Was she up for company? She wasn't sure. The only thing she knew for sure at that moment was that she didn't want to go back to her room. She didn't want to go to sleep. She didn't want to risk having that dream again.

As he sat down next to her, he could tell that she had a lot on her mind. He couldn't blame her. He didn't know the whole story, but from what he had heard and was a witness to, he knew that she was survivor. She didn't give herself enough credit for surviving everything the last two years threw at her. "Couldn't sleep?"

She let out a soft chuckle. "Yeah. You could say that." She slid her hands into the front pocket of her hoodie. "I haven't been able to get much sleep for over a year now. What about you? Couldn't sleep?"

"Yeah." He shook his head. "I always have a hard time the first night in a new place. Too much excitement, I guess." When he saw Riley nod at his statement, he looked down. "Seems pretty ridiculous…comparatively, I mean. My problem extends to one night while yours has been going on for so long."

"You get used to it." A lie. She wasn't sure why she said that. Maybe it was to lighten the mood a little? She was so used to trying to make sure everyone else around her was comfortable. If that meant a white lie here and there, what harm could it do?

"You know…if you want to talk…I'm here." He lightly drummed his fingers against the bench as he forced his nerves back down. Being around her, alone like this, was a rare occurrence, but every time it happened, it always made him a little nervous. He was well aware of the reason why, but knowing it didn't help anything. In fact, it probably made it worse. She didn't need that right now. She looked like she needed a friend—someone to talk to. And he was more than willing to be that for her. "I feel like we've gotten to know each other pretty well over the last several months. And…you always seem to have the weight of the world on your shoulders."

Riley nodded slowly before she looked down. "Caught that, did you?" The weight of the world seemed like an understatement. She felt like she had the weight of the past, present, and future on her shoulders. She had been able to handle it the best she could over the last few months, but as the days wore on, she began to feel herself sink further and further into the ground. She was hiding from everyone now—even her therapist.

"Maybe a little." She seemed so far away, so lost. Jordan hated to see her like that. If talking to someone who wasn't as involved with the backstory could help her, then he was more than willing to be that person.

She leaned back in the seat. "I'm sorry that you had to see what happened at my birthday."

"Why are you apologizing for that? It wasn't your fault, Riley." He paused. "Is that what you think?" How was it possible for her to think that the fight was her fault? Out of everyone on top of the roof that night, she was the last person to blame for any of it.

"I don't know what to think anymore," she admitted. She wasn't sure why, maybe it was because she felt like she was about to implode, but she felt like she could confide in him. She wasn't sure if it was a trust that had built up over time or if it was simply that she would have opened up to anyone who had asked her in that moment, but she felt the words come out before she could stop them. "I met this guy…and we had a connection…it was unlike anything I've ever felt before…but…I was with someone else at the time. He…wasn't a good guy, but I always tried to see the good in people. Lucas and I…we ended up starring in _'Romeo and Juliet'_ together. Charlie…my boyfriend at the time…didn't like it. He felt threatened by Lucas."

"Because you and Lucas had a connection."

"Yeah." Riley turned to face Jordan. Maybe verbalizing everything to someone who hadn't experienced it first hand, yet knew all of the players, would help her? She was desperate. She needed advice. "We did the play…and you know how romantic and tragic it is. Well, Lucas and I got…closer…during it. We had to kiss during the play…and when we did…I felt something. At the time I wasn't completely sure what it was, what it meant. I had only ever really dated Charlie, so I tried to justify it as me not having that much dating experience with anyone else. When the play ended, Lucas and I talked about what had developed between us during the play…and then…he kissed me."

Jordan raised his eyebrows. He hadn't heard about any of that, but looking back, why would he? By the time he transferred to the school, Riley and Lucas had already broken up. "What did you do?"

"I completely freaked out," she admitted. "That isn't who I am. I don't…cheat. Looking back, I think I freaked out more because everything I thought I was feeling during the play, but had written off, ended up being true. I had feelings for someone I wasn't dating." She cleared her throat. "So, I told Charlie. I had to. I couldn't carry the weight of that around, even though Lucas told me that he would keep it between us. Charlie didn't handle it well…he smacked me."

"He what?" He didn't know anything about any of this. He knew nothing about Charlie.

Riley nodded. "Somehow he convinced me that it was all Lucas's fault…and for some reason…I believed him." She scoffed at how naïve she had been at the time. "So, I tried to stay away from him. Lucas realized something was up, so one night he came to my room, and we talked." She picked at the hem of her sweatshirt as she thought back to that conversation—the conversation that changed her whole life. "We talked about his past, and at the time…he didn't know what was going on with Charlie and me, but…that conversation helped me realize that whatever Charlie and I had was toxic. So…I broke up with him."

"I can't imagine that went well."

"Actually, he was upset, but he didn't try to hurt me or anything…probably because I made sure to do it in a public place so things wouldn't…escalate." She swallowed.

Jordan sensed her sudden uneasiness. "How about you wait here and I go get us a few drinks?"

She let out a nervous laugh. "I'd like that. Thank you."

"Riley, I want to hear whatever you want to tell me, ok? If you don't want to, I'm fine with just sitting next to you."

She gave him a small smile. "I know that, Jordan. I think that's why…why I feel comfortable telling you all of this. I know it's not the lightest conversation in the world."

"It's not, but I'm more than willing to listen." He stood up. "I'll be right back," he returned her smile before he went to find a vending machine.

Riley turned her head back to look outside. She wasn't exactly sure why she was bearing her soul to Jordan. She always figured that the less people who were involved the better, but when she started talking about the past, it made her feel a little better. She brought her knees up to her chest as she looked at the skyscraper across the street from the hotel. It felt like her whole world was beginning to change again, but maybe this time, it would be for the better.

* * *

 _ **A/N: Oh, and Lucas's french? Throwback to GM Maya's Mother.**_


	32. Chapter Thirty One

_**A/N: IntelligentSoccer10, yes...that's what he said to her.**_

 _ **There was a review on Serendipity I wanted to respond to, but they did it as a guest, so I can only post it here. It was a timeline question concerning Lucas and Jessica. They didn't start dating when they were 10. Zay was 13/14 when Lucas and Jessica began to date. They were off and on for three years and the comment he made about them "still being together" when he moved away was because they had been together for a few months at that point, and a few months is a long time for teenagers.**_

* * *

Chapter Thirty-One

"It's way too early for this," Zay groaned as he and Lucas exited their hotel room. _'Early morning workouts should be banned,'_ he thought to himself as he yawned.

"It's 5am," Lucas noted as they walked toward the stair well. "It's not that bad is it?"

Zay stopped his pace as he turned his head toward the much more appealing elevator next to them. "Not even going to take the elevator?"

Lucas shook his head. Was he being serious right now? "We're going to the gym and you want to take the elevator to go down one flight of stairs?"

Zay groaned. "It's early."

"You can go back to bed if you want to."

"No. I have to go dance in seven hours," he said begrudgingly. "I need to wake up and focus."

The blonde smiled as he descended the stairs. "There's the Zay I know."

"No," he called out from behind Lucas as he trudged down the stairs. "The Zay you know is still in bed asleep."

The friends chuckled as Lucas opened the door to the lobby. His laughter faded as his eyes immediately fell on a pair across the room. He stopped midstride as he recognized who it was. She was clear across the room, her back turned toward him, but he would know her anywhere.

Zay was trying to find the right workout playlist on his phone when he collided into the Lucas sized statue in front of him. "What's going on?" He followed his friend's eye line to the opposite side of the lobby. He squinted as he tried to make out the pair who were seated across the room. "Ok," he began when he realized who it was, "Now I know this is some dream."

Lucas took a deep breath as he forced himself to answer. "It's not."

* * *

All night. They had talked all night. It was mostly about what Riley had been through in the last year, but they also talked about her childhood, the theatre, and how excited they were for graduation in a few short months. Jordan knew that morning was inching closer and closer and he hated it. He loved talking to her. He loved hearing about her life, even the bad parts of it because she felt comfortable enough with him to share it. "So, what now Miss Matthews?"

Riley stretched her arms in front of her. She had no idea what time it was. Probably midnight or something. She knew she should attempt to get some sleep, but as the image of her latest nightmare flashed through her mind, she realized that there was no way she was going to close her eyes for more than a minute if she could help it. "Now…college. NYU."

"Acting?"

"Maybe," she said as she took the last swig from her bottle of water. She sat the empty bottle on the bench beside her. "What about you?"

"Columbia."

She nodded. "That's a great school. Major?"

Jordan paused for a moment. He thought about lying to her. He thought about dodging the question completely, but as her curious eyes met his, he knew that he didn't want to pretend anymore. "Double major in history and theatre."

Riley frowned. She must have misheard him. "History?"

He smiled sheepishly at her. Was he nervous? He was never nervous around girls—except for one girl. This one. "Yeah…"

Riley tilted her head to the side. That didn't make any sense. Why would he major in history if he was doing poorly in it? "But I thought you needed help in history? Why would you want to major in it?"

Jordan looked at the empty space next to Riley for a moment before he slid a little closer to her. He knew that now probably wasn't the best time for this, but neither were any of the other times he considered talking to her about it. They just had a really nice conversation. Maybe she felt the same way he did? He knew that she had unresolved feelings for Lucas, but Jordan also knew that sometimes it took going out with someone else in order to fully move on from a complicated relationship. "Riley, I have a confession to make."

Riley looked down at the bench as Jordan slid closer to her. The gesture made her heart slightly quicken its pace. Why? She wasn't sure. To be honest, she wasn't sure of much of anything at the moment. What was going on? "What is it?"

"I make straight As in history," he confessed as he waited for her to react. When she didn't immediately smack him, he took that as a good sign. "Always have. It's one of my favorite subjects."

"Ok," she shook her head. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, but she didn't fully understand why he would want a history tutor if he already made straight As in it. "So why did you need me to tutor you?"

He inched a little closer to her. He knew she seemed confused by his confession. Maybe he should leave it at that, but it took him months to get the nerve to talk to her about it. He couldn't back down now. "Because…I like you. And…I think that maybe…you could like me too."

Riley blinked several times as she looked at the brunette next to her. He liked her? They were friends. They had been friends for months now, but he liked her? As she searched her brain to figure out how to reply to him, she thought about Lucas. He had been right all along. Jordan liked her—as more than a friend. She cleared her throat. "I-I don't know what to say, Jordan."

He looked down at her hands, which were folded in her lap. "Say you'll go out on a date with me."

Riley swallowed as she watched his hand slowly inch toward hers. What just happened? What was going on? He wanted to go out on a date with her? Jordan, who had just heard how completely screwed up her life was, wanted to take her on a date?

"Well, you guys are up early." Zay grinned as he walked up toward the pair; a reluctant Lucas trailed a few steps behind him.

Riley frowned. "Early? It's the middle of the night."

"It's 5 am," Zay informed her. He looked over at Jordan. "He's wearing the same clothes."

Riley stood up when she noticed that Lucas had walked up behind Zay. What had he seen? What had he heard?

Jordan sighed as he stood up. Why couldn't they have come down a minute later? It took him months to finally ask Riley out and now, he wasn't sure where he stood with her.

"Hey Zay," Riley greeted. Was it possible—at all—for this to not become a big deal?

"So, what? Were you two up all night or something?"

"Couldn't sleep," Riley answered as her eyes moved to Lucas. "You guys?"

"We wanted to get a workout in before we had to leave to go to the high school," Lucas answered coolly. He surprised himself with how calm his tone was. Inwardly, he knew his blood was boiling, but he wasn't exactly sure of the cause for it. Clearly, Zay and he had interrupted their conversation, but had they really been talking to one another all night? Were they dating now or something?

"Yeah, bus leaves in about two hours," Zay filled in.

Riley looked down at her phone. "Oh my God. It's 5:00."

"Told ya," Zay smiled.

Riley turned to Jordan. "Umm…I should probably go upstairs right now before someone else comes down."

"Before you do," Zay began as he looked between them. "What's going on here?"

Riley slid her hands into her hoodie. "Are you really going to make me explain myself?"

Zay turned to Lucas. "What do you think?"

He wanted to say no. He wanted to act like he didn't care. He wanted her to know that seeing her with someone else didn't feel like someone had his heart in a vice grip. He wanted her to be happy without worrying about him going off the deep end again. All of those reasons and a million more to simply answer 'no', but instead he heard himself answer with an emphatic "Yes." Yes, he wanted to know what she was thinking. Yes, he wanted to know what they talked about. Yes, he wanted to know where he stood with her and where she stood with Jordan. Yes, he wanted her to soothe away all of the jealousy that had been boiling within him for months. Yes, he wanted her to talk to him—really talk to him. Was that so terrible?

"Yes," Zay mimicked. As soon as he spotted Jordan and Riley in the lobby, he knew he had to think of something to try to diffuse the situation. He knew that Lucas wanted to turn the other way and pretend that he didn't see them together, but Zay knew that would be a terrible decision. Lucas would have the sight of them together seared into his brain, and Zay knew that he would assume the worst about it. The new Lucas could never confront them, so Zay figured that he would. At least then Lucas would get some answers to questions that have been left unanswered for months.

"Ok then fine," she replied just as emphatically as Lucas had as she placed a hand on her hip. She quickly searched her brain for something to say, other than the exact truth. "I…I couldn't sleep. So, I came down here to walk around for a little while…and I found this spot," she gestured to the window behind her. "So, I sat. And then Jordan came down and I told him I couldn't sleep. He couldn't sleep either." As a silence fell over the small group, Riley tried to think of something, anything, to change the subject. "So Zay, are you excited about today?"

Lucas who had been quite ever since the 'yes' slipped from his lips, suddenly found his voice. She was still dodging the question. How does that lead them to talking all night? He knew he shouldn't be jealous—that it only led to him feeling other emotions that he had spent months trying to work through, but he couldn't help it. Knowing and feeling were two completely different things. "It's not about today," he insisted. "It's about last night."

Exasperated, Riley threw her hands in the air. "All we did was talk." Why did she feel the need to explain her actions to him? Why was he acting like this? Why was everything suddenly such a big deal now? She couldn't have a conversation with someone else? Granted, their conversation had turned into something a little more toward the end of it, but there was no way Lucas had heard Jordan ask her out.

Those five words sent a shockwave through Lucas. He knew they had a conversation, and that it was one that had lasted all night, but there was something about hearing her confirm it, acknowledging that she stayed up all night talking to someone else, that made Lucas feel that grip on his heart tighten to the point where it felt like he could no longer breathe. "Ok," he responded as he started to walk toward the direction of the gym.

Riley frowned. After all this time, after months of trying to avoid one another, trying to heal from everything apart from one another, she still knew him. She knew that he was upset about it. "Lucas, I'm not allowed to talk." She should have just let him walk away, at least that's what the sensible side of her told her to do, but she didn't listen.

He spun around as he forced himself to smile at her. He was a lot stronger than he was a few months ago. A few months ago, he wouldn't have thought twice about telling her how much it hurt him to see her talking to another guy, but he knew it wouldn't do anyone any good. Though inwardly, he was screaming at himself to tell her how he really felt, he decided that he needed to pretend that it was fine—that he was fine. "Sure you can. You can talk to whoever you want, Riley."

As she watched him walk away, Riley turned to Zay. "Zay?"

He gave her a smile. "I'll take care of it. It'll be fine." He looked at Jordan for a moment before he looked back at Riley. "Why don't you guys go get ready before anyone else comes down?"

Riley folded her arms over her chest as she watched Zay jog after Lucas. She wanted to go to him, to talk to him, to open up to him, but seeing the expression on his face at the mention of her having a conversation with Jordan stopped her. She knew that what she had to tell Lucas would hurt a lot more. She couldn't help the tears that pooled in her eyes as she remembered the forced smile he had given her. God, she hated that smile. That smile meant that he had built up a wall around himself to match the one she had erected months ago.

Everything seemed impossible now. They seemed impossible. On top of all that, now Jordan was a factor in this whole situation.

"Riley?"

She slowly turned her head to him. "Yeah?"

* * *

"A date," Maya shrieked. She wasn't very thrilled about Riley waking her up at 5:30 in the morning, but as soon as the words tumbled out of the brunette's mouth, it felt like a bucket of cold water had been poured on the blonde. Jordan asked Riley out? Riley stayed up all-night and talked to him?

"Yeah," Riley said slowly. With everything that happened with Lucas, Riley still hadn't really processed the idea of going out on a date with Jordan. Did she even like him in that way? Most of her thoughts had centered on Lucas for so long, it felt like second nature to her now. Should she even consider Jordan's offer while her mind was still completely fixated on someone else?

Maya's eyes lit up. Something always happened on these trips, and for the first time, it felt like it might be something positive. "So, what did you say?"

Riley furrowed her eyebrows. Was she being serious right now? Had she completely forgotten about the guy who still had her heart? "What do you think I said? I said I wasn't ready for all that."

Maya's smile faltered slightly. As much as she loved Lucas, and loved the idea of him and Riley finally getting back together, she had to admit that sometimes, it seemed impossible. Riley was moving past the Charlie thing, but she wasn't moving forward at all when it came to the Lucas situation. Almost four months later, and she still couldn't sleep, still couldn't talk to him about any of it. She was miserable, and all Maya wanted was for her best friend to find some peace and happiness. If that meant dating someone else, then maybe it wouldn't be bad thing? Maybe it would be best for everyone concerned if she tried to see who else was out there? "What did he say?"

Riley stood up as she walked to the dresser to grab her clothes. "He said it was a standing offer." She didn't know where to begin to figure out if she liked Jordan in that way. Why did Maya seem disappointed in her response? Did she know that Jordan liked her? Did she know if Riley liked him? Riley shook her head as she closed the drawer. Her and Maya were close, and sometimes, they could reach each other's thoughts, but there was no way that Maya knew Riley's heart better than she did. It wasn't possible.

"That's so cute."

Riley turned around. Clearly Maya had forgotten all about the Texan. "What about Lucas?"

Maya knew that she was risking her best friend's wrath, but she couldn't help it. Someone needed to wake Riley up. "Lucas? The guy you're barely talking to. The guy you can't get out of your head? Riley, maybe you need to go out with someone else to clear your mind. You've been in Lucasville for how long now? You stayed up all night and talked to Jordan." It was killing her to see Riley suffer again and again, more and more, for something that wasn't her fault.

"Does that mean something?"

Maya shrugged. "I don't know, Riley. Does it?"

Riley slowly sat down on the bed. They talked all night. She had only ever been able to do that with one other person. Maybe it did mean something? Maybe she did have feelings for Jordan? But did having feelings for Jordan somehow lessen the feelings she still had for Lucas? Her brain and her heart were on opposite sides of this whole thing. She wasn't sure which was right or which one would win out in the end.

"You know how I feel about you and Lucas," Maya began as she sat next to the quiet brunette. "I think you two are the closest thing to star-crossed lovers that I've ever seen, but…there has been a lot more pain and heartache than good times. I hate seeing you like this, Riley. I hate seeing you stuck. I hate watching as life passes you by. We're graduating in a few months. We're going off to college. The Riley I know is a fighter…the strongest person I've ever met. You deserve to be happy, Riles. It's one date."

"But is it fair to go out with someone when I still have feelings for someone else?" Was she actually considering this? Maya was right. She was tired of the pain. She wanted to move past all of this. She wasn't about to bring all of this baggage with her when she started college. It was why she was so determined to fight through everything in the first place. It was why she thought confronting the situation by using they play was a good idea. Unfortunately, it backfired in a major way. If confronting what happened didn't pull her out of it, she wasn't sure what would. Maybe Maya was right. Maybe the next step was moving on.

"Jordan knows that. You two stayed up all night and talked about what you've been through the last year. I'm pretty sure he knows how you feel about Lucas. I think he wants to give you a break from constantly battling yourself over what to do next. You need a break, Riley."

"I need a shower," she answered. She also needed sleep. Maybe it was time to stop trying to work through this on her own. Maybe it was time to fight for herself—to regain a sense of herself—instead of residing in her self-imposed purgatory as she waited for the day where she and Lucas could be together again. Maybe she needed to see where something with Jordan could go? Would she be able to breathe again? Would she be able to close her eyes and get more than a few hours of decent sleep a night?

"That too," Maya smiled. "Go, get ready so we can eat and go see Zay make some moves on the stage."

As Riley walked toward the bathroom, Maya couldn't help but to call out to her, "You don't have to decide everything right now."

Riley turned back to her. "I know. Thank you, Maya. I needed to hear that."

"It's why I'm here."


	33. Chapter Thirty Two

_**A/N: To the guest who asked if it was the end of the fic, and I said no, and then commented back in the last chapter, I'm sorry if I came off as rude or short. I just didn't want you to stop reading after that because that would be an awful way to end 70+ chapters of a fic...so I apologize if something got lost in the internet translation. And I'm not offended at all. I'm glad you asked instead of thinking that was the end of it.**_

 _ **Also, I love every piece of feedback for this fic, but the feedback from the last chapter. Wow. Seriously. I'm blown away because I don't think I've ever had so many different points of view stem from just one chapter. I love it because it makes me see things from other viewpoints, and while I've had the fic plotted out for awhile now, receiving feedback allows me to tweak things here and there to (hopefully) explain why the characters are doing what they're doing. So, thank you. Every review has made an impact on this fic.**_

* * *

Chapter Thirty-Two

"What a day," Maya groaned as the group walked back into the hotel. "I'm exhausted." Eight hours. Eight hours of watching routine after routine. She enjoyed watching her classmates, sure, but all together they may have danced for about thirty minutes. Were the other seven and a half hours necessary?

"Imagine how Zay and the rest of the dance team feel," Riley chuckled. "You only had to watch. They had to perform." Maya nodded off about two hours into the program, but to be honest, it was about an hour longer than Riley figured she would. She, on the other hand, was enthralled by the intricacies of the different choreography. Of course, she thought Zay and the rest of the competition team were the best ones out there, but she really enjoyed seeing others perform as well. Just as acting was a means of escape for her, she knew that dance must have meant the same thing for some of them. She felt connected to the music and the movements on the stage.

Maya craned her neck back to look at the guys who trailed a few steps behind them. "Are you tired, Zay?"

He shook his head. "Not at all," he grinned. "It's such an adrenaline rush being on stage…having everyone watch you. I love it."

Farkle nodded. It made perfect sense to him. It was part of the reason he always enjoyed participating in the school's plays. "Now you know why we love acting."

Zay turned to Lucas who had been quiet all day. Quieter than he usually was, which Zay didn't think was possible. It didn't take a genius to figure out the reason why. He didn't even have to ask. He wished he knew what he could do, what he could say to make everything better for everyone involved. He wasn't sure what was going on with Jordan and Riley, and he certainly wasn't sure what was going on between Lucas and Riley. From the way everything went down earlier that day, Lucas didn't even know what was going on between himself and Riley.

Was all of this pain worth it? Two of his best friends were miserable—had been miserable—throughout their entire senior year. He knew how they felt about one another. He knew Lucas would do anything in the world for Riley. He also knew that Riley would do anything in the world for Lucas. So, what was the hold up? Why couldn't they talk everything out and go back to being deliriously happy with one another?

He couldn't believe that he actually missed the nauseating way they used to act around one another. He missed seeing Lucas smile as if the world held unlimited possibilities for him. He missed hearing Riley's little squeal whenever she saw him in the hallway at school. He missed watching all the revolting couple things they did that he secretly wished he could do with someone special.

"You ok man?" Stupid question, but he had to start somewhere.

Lucas tried to pull himself out of the murky haze his mind had been in all day. Truthfully, he hadn't been able to focus at all on the competition. His mind seemed to be everywhere else. He caught himself staring at the back of her head more than once throughout the afternoon at the high school. He found himself staring at _him_ sitting next to her too. He tried to listen to their hushed conversation between numbers, to no avail. He squirmed in his seat as he watched Jordan inch closer and closer to her. When their elbows lightly brushed against one another, he had to leave the auditorium. It felt like someone had placed their hands on either side of his head in order to smash his brain in. The entire world pulsated as he forced himself to walk away from her—from them—for a few minutes to try to regain some semblance of self-control. He knew that it wouldn't do anyone any good to confront her, demand her to tell him what was going on between her and Jordan. He held no claim on her anymore. He was the one who let her go all those months ago. He was the one who threw them away because he feared he wasn't good enough for her.

Though a small part of him still felt that way, he knew that whatever was going on wasn't Riley's fault. It wasn't her fault that she had decided to lean on someone else. Of course, Lucas wished that someone had been himself, but he understood why it couldn't be him right now. He was the problem. Whatever was going on with her, he knew that he was the reason for it. That night on the roof changed everything.

He just wanted to talk to her about it.

Maybe if they did, maybe if he knew what she was thinking, then they could have a chance? Maybe then they could pick up the pieces and finally move on?

Lucas glanced at Zay. "Yeah. I'm fine." He let out a sigh. He felt like a horrible friend. The whole point of going to Boston that weekend was to support Zay and his love of dance, but his mind was so preoccupied with Riley that he hadn't even congratulated him. "Congrats on the competition. Second place in the group routine and first place on your solo piece. That's amazing."

Zay looked down at the trophy he held before he looked back up at the blonde. "Thanks man. I'm glad you came this weekend." He noticed some of their classmates had made their way toward the elevator to go back to their rooms. A few others lingered around in the lobby. Zay started to walk off in the opposite direction of the small group in the lobby. "Let's talk alone for a few minutes, ok?"

"I'm not going to get out of this, am I," Lucas asked as he followed Zay to some couches out of earshot from Riley, Maya, Jordan, and Yogi who were engaged in some conversation about hanging out in the lobby and playing a game. Lucas wasn't sure what kind of game, and truthfully, he didn't care at the moment. The last thing he wanted to do was to play any more games with her.

"Nope," Zay smiled as he sat on the couch.

Lucas nodded as he slowly sat next to his friend.

Zay knew that it was difficult for Lucas to talk about everything that had happened, but he also knew that bottling up whatever he was feeling would only lead to some outburst that Zay knew he would regret. Lucas needed a friend, and Zay knew him better than anyone else did. "Do you want me to start or do—"

"What does it mean that Riley spent the whole night talking to some other guy?" The words came pouring from him before he could let Zay finish his question. Every thought he had all day came back to the same thing. What did it mean? His eyes stared at the ground as he waited for a response. If Zay knew anything about what was going on with Riley and Jordan, now was his chance to say so.

Zay had a few different opinions on the subject. He wasn't sure which one to start with. Maybe the best approach would be the direct one? He knew what Lucas was thinking, so why not address the worst-case scenario first? "Well, it could mean that Riley isn't interested in you anymore."

Lucas's eyes shot up to look at Zay. "It could mean that?"

Ok, so maybe approaching it from the worst-case scenario was a bad idea. Lucas looked at him like he had stabbed him in the back. He could tell that Lucas was more than a little on edge, and Zay couldn't blame him for it, but he knew that getting worked up about it would only make everything worse, so he decided to try to lighten the mood. "Boy, you are insecure for a western hero."

Lucas leaned forward as he began to rub his forehead. He knew that he was acting completely irrational. "That helps a lot."

"Or it could mean that she just enjoys talking to someone," Farkle spoke up as he sunk down into the seat across from them.

Lucas slowly lifted his head. Farkle and he had come a long way since Riley's birthday party, and while he did trust that Farkle wouldn't tell Riley, he still wanted as few people involved as possible. "You heard us?"

Farkle nodded.

Lucas leaned back in the seat. "I thought Riley wasn't speaking to you. How did you know about what happened this morning?"

Farkle glanced at Zay before he looked back at Lucas.

Lucas leaned his head back against the back of the couch when he realized what Farkle was trying to tell him. "I should have known." He turned to Zay. "When could you have possibly told him?"

"Before we left for the school this morning."

"Look, I've known Riley for most of my life," Farkle began, "I've seen the way she looks and Jordan and I've seen the way she looks at you. It's not the same." He hated being on the outside looking in, but he understood why Lucas was apprehensive in saying anything. Riley still hadn't said more than three sentences to him since she kicked him out of her room in December, and he hated it. He hated seeing two of his best friends continuously suffer for something he caused. He knew there had to be a way to fix it, but he still wasn't sure what it was. Lucas had insisted that Farkle stay out of it, and he tried to, but as the weeks wore on, Farkle's desire to right the wrong he had committed intensified.

Lucas sighed. "What if you're wrong?"

Farkle opened his mouth to protest, to list off a hundred reasons why he wasn't wrong, but when he noticed the others approach them, he closed his mouth. "What's going on?"

"We're going to play a game," Darby announced as she waved a magazine in the air. "Do you guys want to play?"

"What's the game," Zay asked.

"Ok, it's not really a game. More of a questionnaire," she explained. "It's called _'The Official Guide to Who Belongs With Who.'_ "

Farkle frowned. It didn't matter how many books he read or how many A's he got; he would never understand why anyone would take those questionnaires so seriously. "So, we're expected to believe that some random questions in a magazine are supposed to decide if people are compatible with one another?"

"Got any better ideas?" Maya sat down on the couch next to where Farkle sat. "I'm bored, but don't want to go upstairs just yet. So, I'm in."

"I-I don't know about this," Riley hesitated. This had disaster written all over it. First, this morning happened, and she still wasn't quite sure what to say to Lucas about it. She also wasn't sure what she was going to do about Jordan. They had a nice day together, but it wasn't exactly a date or anything romantic. They were crammed into a high school auditorium with four hundred other students.

"Come on," Jordan gently nudged her arm. He raised a playful eyebrow at her. "Scared?"

Riley furrowed her eyebrows. "No." _'I'm not scared. I'm smart. I know that something awful is going to happen, and I seem to be the only one who realizes it.'_ She knew that she should go upstairs, change her clothes, and watch some tv or read. As she watched the others settle into a small circle, her brain screamed at her to walk toward the elevator, but she didn't. Instead, she found herself sitting next to Maya on the couch. _'You're an idiot,'_ she mentally chastised herself.

"Then let's play," Yogi told the small group.

Zay watched as Jordan sat next to Riley on the couch. His eyes wandered over to Lucas who had begun to drum his fingers on the arm of the couch. "Yeah," Zay agreed. "Let's play." Nothing else seemed to be working. Maybe answering some stupid questions would make things a little more clear.

"Let's find out who belongs with who," Jordan added.

"Great," Darby smiled as she took a seat in the chair opposite of where Farkle sat. Yogi sat on the arm of the chair as he draped his arm around her shoulders. "Question One. The most important part of any meaningful relationship is…a…romance."

"Yes," Riley answered automatically. "Romance. Isn't that the whole point of a relationship?"

"It says any relationship," Maya quickly corrected.

"Yeah, it also means relationships with your friends," Zay added.

Riley nodded. They had a point. She just naturally assumed it was about a romantic relationship. God, she hated to think about where she would be if she didn't have her friends around to support her through everything that happened. Those relationships were some of the most important she had ever had. "So, if the answer isn't romance, then what else you got?"

Darby looked down at the magazine. "B. Adventure."

"Yes," Maya smiled. "Adventure. Break the rules."

"You don't have to break the rules to have an adventure," Lucas pointed out.

Maya narrowed her eyes at him. "What do you have against breaking the rules?"

"It's who he used to be, Maya," Zay reminded her. "Cost him a year of his life. I think maybe he's learned something."

Riley slowly shifted her gaze over to Lucas who stared at the ground. Zay was right. She had heard the stories, knew about his past, and experienced his anger first hand. Logically, she knew that he wasn't the same person he was when he lived in Texas. He wasn't even who he was four months ago at her birthday party. She knew that, but at the same time, it didn't stop the nightmares from happening. It didn't stop her from constantly pushing herself away from him. Even though they were only five feet away from one another now, she never felt further from him.

"Read the other choice," Farkle prompted.

"How do you know there is one," Yogi asked.

Farkle smirked. "In multiple choice, there's always the answers that are close, but then there's the correct answer. As soon as you hear it, you know it's right."

"I don't think we've heard the right answer yet," Zay added. Romance. Adventure. No. Those weren't the qualities that make relationships meaningful. There had to be something else.

Farkle crossed his arms over his chest. "So, I think the most meaningful part of any relationship is 'C'."

"Can we please hear what 'c' is," Lucas asked.

"C," Darby began as she looked back down at the magazine. "C is…conversation."

Riley folded her hands in her lap as she scanned the quiet faces around her. Conversation. It made perfect sense. It was what brought her close to Maya when the blonde first entered her bedroom when they were seven. It was how she and Maya became friends with Farkle. It was what brought her closer to Lucas. And the lack of conversation was what now kept her from speaking to both Farkle and Lucas. Two of the most important people in her life. Where they stood with one another was still muddled, but that's what conversation was for, wasn't it? She swallowed as her eyes fell on Lucas once more. "So, the most meaningful part of a relationship is talking to each other?"

Jordan leaned forward in his seat as he turned his head up to look at Riley. The answer was perfect. Hopefully, she saw that too. "And with the right person, sometimes you can talk all night."

Riley turned her head to look at the brunette next to her. She gave him a small smile before she looked back at Lucas.

He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't sit there and listen to question after question about what it took to make a relationship work. He already knew the answer. He knew how he felt. He knew what it took in order for any meaningful relationship to work. He also knew that if he sat there any longer, four months of progress would go right out the window. Everything was too fresh, too raw. Maybe if he were able to spend some time alone to process the idea that Riley had moved on with Jordan, he wouldn't feel so jealous.

He tapped his fingers on his knee. "Yep," he finally said as his eyes landed on Jordan. "Maybe so." He heard the ding of the elevator as the doors opened to let some guests off. He had to get out of there. "Well, if y'all will excuse me. I'm gonna go upstairs and uh…watch some tv." It was a lame excuse, but he couldn't think about anything else long enough to come up with something better. He needed some space. He needed to think.

As Zay watched Lucas walk around the group, he felt torn. On the one hand, he knew Lucas wanted to be alone. On the other hand, he knew that Lucas was still struggling with his anger issues. It was a constant battle for him and Zay wasn't about to leave him alone with his thoughts. He needed someone to talk to. He knew Lucas needed to talk to Riley, but also knew that wasn't going to happen any time soon. "Well, if y'all will excuse me. I'm gonna go upstairs and uh…help him find the remote."

Riley and Maya turned around as they watched both guys disappear into the elevator.

"Question number two," Darby began, "How do you know if you love someone?"

Riley slowly turned her head toward Darby as the question sunk in. She furrowed her eyebrows as she looked at the empty spot that Lucas had occupied not two minutes earlier. "I-I'm sorry," she mumbled as she stood up, "I need to think." She looked around at all of the expectant faces looking back at her. "Yeah, I just need to think," she said softly as she walked around the couch in order to go to the elevator.

* * *

He couldn't sleep. He wasn't sure if she would be in the lobby again tonight. He wasn't sure if she would be alone or if she would have company again, but for some reason, he had to try. He wasn't sure what happened with the game after he left, and he didn't really care to know.

Once he came back into the room, Zay watched television while Lucas sat down and wrote. He wrote non-stop for two hours straight. Ten pages. Of what, he wasn't sure. He never read back over what he wrote in those journals. He simply let his feelings out on paper and moved on. He now felt a little better about what happened and a little more confident that maybe his anger wasn't as powerful as it was a few months ago.

Part of him screamed at him to return to his room as he jogged down the flight of stairs to the lobby, but a larger part of him knew he wouldn't. He couldn't. They needed to talk. If she was there, alone, then he would take it as a sign that it was time for him to hear whatever she was willing to tell him. If she still resisted, then he would try to pick up the pieces and begin to really move on from everything that had happened.

As he walked into the lobby, his eyes fell on the makeshift bay window. Perched in it, resting her head against the wall as she stared outside, was one Riley Matthews.

As he approached her, a sinking feeling began to settle in his stomach. He was nervous. As she hugged her knees to her chest, he realized that he was about to get the answers he had been seeking for four months. He cleared his throat when he reached her. The last thing he wanted to do was startle her. "Thought I might find you here."

Riley's head spun around at the sound of his voice. For a split second, she thought she had been dreaming. She wasn't sure how long she had sat in the window seat. She only knew that she had spent every second of it thinking about the guy who now stood before her. She drew a shaky breath. She knew why he was there. She'd be an idiot to not see what effect Darby's question had on him. It made her think about every conversation they had with one another. There was no way he hadn't thought about the same thing. "Hey," she greeted as she slid over for him to sit down next to her. She knew that none of those previous conversations could have ever prepared her for the one she was about to have with him. "Couldn't sleep?"

"No." Had he even attempted to sleep? His brain had been on overdrive all day. Any normal person would have crashed from sheer exhaustion, but he was too anxious to give in. And now, they were alone together for the first time since that dreadful conversation in the costume closet. As his eyes rose to meet hers, he knew that this was it. "You?"


	34. Chapter Thirty Three

Chapter Thirty-Three

"Couldn't sleep?" Riley mentally smacked herself. Of course he couldn't sleep. It was late. She wasn't sure how late, but if he had been able to sleep, he would be asleep, and not standing in front of her now.

"No." He took a deep breath as he slowly sat down next to her. Heaviness hung in the air between them, which only made the moment more real. He had barely spoken to her, yet he knew that something was about to happen between them that would change everything. He forced himself to lift his head in order to meet her look. He must have gazed into her eyes a million times over the last year and a half, yet it always amazed him how paralyzing he felt when he did. It was as if the world around them simply faded out. Their problems always seemed to drift a million miles away. They were the only ones who existed. It was a completely different world.

One that didn't exist.

He cleared his throat as he turned his head to look at the otherwise empty lobby. "You?"

Riley felt her palms begin to perspire as she shifted her eyes to look around them. "You know me…"

"I think I do," he commented sarcastically before he could stop himself. Great. He paved the way for another fight. A fight he didn't want. He only wanted her to talk to him.

Riley narrowed her eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that…" he paused. He was still jealous. Jealous of Jordan. Jealous that he was able to get a glimpse inside of her mind while Lucas was still completely left in the dark. He knew that he had no say in who she talked to, but it didn't make accepting it any easier. "Did you talk to him all night?"

Riley said nothing, but turned her head around to look outside once more. Logically, she knew the sky wouldn't offer her any answers, or any clarity about what to say, or even how to say, what she needed to. There was so much tension and friction between them already. The space between them felt endless, and she knew that once he knew what she had been struggling with, the chasm between them would continue to fracture, and they would end up on completely different planets. He deserved an explanation. He deserved to know, but damn it, she didn't want to hurt him.

Lucas leaned back in his seat. It felt like a thousand daggers were penetrating every part of his body. With every breath he took, the pain increased. He knew that she was closing herself off from him again, and it was killing him. Nothing could be worse than this. Whatever she was hiding-whatever everyone else seemed to know but him-couldn't be worse than this. He wanted to grab her shoulders and shake some sense into her, force her to understand that they could get through anything as long as they were able to talk to one another, but he knew that nothing beneficial would come from it. He couldn't force it out of her, not matter how badly he needed to know.

Riley noticed the slump in his shoulders out of the corner of her eye. She hated herself. She hated her mind. She wished that she hated him. She wished that she could get over it. It was better than this torment, this constant back and forth between her mind and her heart. She knew she was hurting him, but she also knew the truth would hurt even more. How could she open her mouth and tell him that his greatest fear was a reality? She pulled her legs up to her chest. "What does it matter, Lucas? We were just talking."

He was taken aback by her comment. Just talking? Just a conversation? Did she really have no idea what all of that was doing to him? Did she even care? Conversation: the most important part of any good relationship. And conversation was practically non-existent between them now. They didn't even have a friendship at this point. What were they? Practically strangers, but strangers who, at one point, knew one another better than anyone else ever did. Strangers who could tell what the other was thinking before they could even voice it. Everything started with a misunderstanding with her father, but somehow it snowballed into this mess. They were complete strangers now—afraid to breathe, to blink, to move forward. He couldn't help but to feel replaced. She used to run to him with everything, but after seeing her with Jordan that morning, he knew he hadn't been wrong about the guy. He was interested in Riley, but Lucas couldn't blame him for that. She was the most incredible person he had ever met. "I know I have no right to feel this way, but…why? Why him?"

She wrapped her arms around her legs. "What do you mean, why him?" Why was she playing dumb? She knew what he was really asking. Maybe she was delaying the inevitable. Maybe she really was a coward. Maybe he would get frustrated and leave her to try to figure it all out on her own.

Who was she kidding? Four months later and she wasn't any closer to getting the nightmares to stop. She knew she needed to let him go, for her own sanity and his, but something always drew her back to him. Maybe that was another reason she didn't want to tell him? It would slam the door shut on any chance of reconciliation.

Lucas wasn't about to let her off the hook. He knew she was already uncomfortable speaking to him, but she wasn't running away yet. "Why not me? Why can't you talk to me?"

Riley bit her lip as she leaned her head against the wall as she continued to look outside. "It's amazing, isn't it?"

He turned his head around to look outside—to figure out what she was talking about. "What is?"

"It's amazing how the city lights completely block out the stars." A small smile formed on her lips. "I used to stargaze all the time whenever we would go upstate. Maya would fall asleep within minutes, but I always stayed awake just to look up at the sky. There was a different light show every night and I never got tired of it. There would be thousands of them. I tried counting them, but I could never seem to see the end of the horizon. They surrounded me. In a weird way, I felt protected…like someone was watching out for me." She would have given anything just to see one star in the sky that hovered over them. One little star. One symbol of hope. When she realized that one wasn't going to magically appear, to give her a sign that it would all be ok, her eyes fell to the ground. "The roof of my building would be perfect for it…I'd be up there every night if I could get a show like I did whenever we would visit my uncle." She swallowed as she pulled her knees closer to her chest. "Or if I could see the same sky we saw in Texas." She slowly turned her head around to look at him. His gaze was still fixated on the darkened sky above them. "I miss the stars, Lucas. I miss the feeling I had when I looked at them."

Though he knew that she really did miss seeing the stars shoot across the sky, he also knew that this wasn't about stargazing at all. She was talking about them. He lowered his eyes to look at her. "I miss seeing them, too."

"What do I do? How can I get that feeling back?"

"You can try talking to me." When he saw her take a deep breath, probably to shut him down, he quickly added, "I'm in a better place now, Riley. No matter what it is, no matter what happens in the future, I always want you to be able to talk to me." He promised himself that he wouldn't pressure her—that she would come to him in her own time, but he was desperate now. God, he would give anything to be able to give her everything she ever wanted. She wanted the stars? He would break into the nearest planetarium to show them to her. He would borrow the school's bus and drive it to the suburbs or something so she could see them firsthand. He would do anything as long as she would talk to him. "The worst part of everything," his voice cracked, "is that we can't seem to find a way to talk to one another. It was something we used to be pretty good at." He took a deep breath. He needed to back off, but he couldn't. He needed to know. He had to know. "Some of the best conversations I've ever had were with you."

"If I talk to you, I can guarantee you that it won't be the best conversation we've had." She closed her eyes when she felt the tears start to form. She had to tell him. He had to know. Hearing the emotion in his voice, the slight crack it made, broke her heart. "It'll be the worst." Why was she like this? Why won't her brain forget everything and move on—start over? She felt the tears hit her eyelashes as she opened her eyes. She lowered her legs as she turned her body toward the lobby. She leaned forward in the seat as her hands gripped the edge of the bench.

"If it leads to us being able to have more conversations, then I'm ready for it." When he noticed the tears in her eyes, his confidence plummeted. This wasn't going to be a simple fix. A conversation wasn't going to be able to repair them. He looked down at her hand. Her knuckles had already turned white as she clung to the bench. He slowly reached for her hand as his eyes lifted to meet hers, his voice thick with emotion. "My favorite thing in this world is when you talk to me."

Riley's bottom lip trembled as she relished the feeling of her hand in his. Could it be that simple? Could she collapse into him, bear her soul, and everything could magically be as it was before her birthday?

No. It couldn't.

This wasn't some television show where twenty minutes could solve her all of her problems. This had been going on for months. One conversation, one familiar touch couldn't resolve months of nightmares. She slowly pulled her hand away from him. "I can't." She took a shaky breath. "Lucas, m-maybe we need to let each other go…for real this time."

"Please, don't ask me to," the desperation poured from him as he inched closer to her. "I did it once. I can't do it again." As she turned her head away from him to look at the ground, the light reflected off of the side of her face. He watched helplessly as the first tear slowly trickled out of her eye and slid down her cheek. "What is it, Riley? What is so horrible that you can talk to Charlie…talk to Jordan about, but not me? Why do you push me away the moment that I feel we are taking a step forward?"

She shook her head and closed her eyes. "Please don't make me tell you."

"Are you…do you…" he sighed, "Do you love Jordan?" _'Please say no. Please,'_ he mentally begged.

She opened her eyes. Tears now flowed freely down her cheeks, but she didn't bother to wipe them away. What was the point? She knew more would quickly follow after. "It has nothing to do with Jordan."

Nothing had ever affected him quite like the sight of her crying. He hated knowing that he was the reason for it. He hated knowing that this wasn't the first time she cried over him. He wanted to hold her, to beg her to give him another chance. He wanted to prove to her that even though he would never be worthy of her, he was prepared to spend every day of the rest of his life showing her just how much he cared about her.

But he needed to know this first. He needed to know if this had to do with- "Charlie then. Did some feelings get stirred up when you saw him and you're afraid to tell me?"

"Are you kidding me," her voice echoed in the otherwise quiet lobby. Charlie? Really? Her stomach lurched at the thought. Did he not know her at all? "I'm not in love with Charlie. I never loved him. The fact that you needed to ask me that—"

"Can you blame me, Riley?" He searched her eyes for a sign, any lead as to what was going on with her. He found nothing. He couldn't read her anymore. He was always able to figure her out, to know what she was thinking. He had no idea what was on her mind anymore, and it was that thought that made him realize that the distance between them was a lot larger than he had ever imagined. "I don't know what's going on with you. I haven't known for months now." Getting frustrated with her wasn't going to solve anything. It would only set them back further. She needed him to listen. He knew that much. He needed to keep an open mind. It was the only way he would even have a chance of potentially finding out what the problem was. "I know that everything that happened on your birthday brought back what happened at the ski lodge, but—"

"Yes," she interrupted, her heart finally speaking before her brain could stop it. She turned to face him as she brushed away the tears from her eyes. She knew that her determination had finally splintered. "I'm so tired from carrying this around, but I was prepared to do it for however long…the rest of my life, I guess…if it meant protecting you." For four months, she had protected him. For four months, she had tried to move on from it on her own, to no avail. Four months of trying to push through the memories and her nightmares. Four months of failure. She knew what she had to do, but it didn't make it any easier. "You really want to know what the problem is?"

He slowly nodded, a little more uncertain than he was when he first sat next to her. He needed to know, but at the same time, he wasn't sure he wanted to anymore.

She began to shake her leg nervously as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Are you sure? Because once I tell you, everything changes."

He had never seen her fidget as badly as she was at that moment. He watched her put her hand on her knee to stop her leg from shaking. "I'm not sure how things can get much worse than they already are." He was scared, but he had to know. He had to know what it was in order to figure out a way to fix it.

She slid the sleeves of her hoodie down over her hands as she turned her head back to look outside. She couldn't look him in the eye. It was hard enough to verbalize it. She couldn't watch his reaction too. "Every time I close my eyes," she began as she felt another wave of tears form in her eyes, "I see you. It used to be us…on the hill at Pappy Joe's…away from the word, away from everything…just us…but now…" she let out a ragged breath as a fresh batch of tears clouded her vision, "now when I close my eyes, I see you…and y-y-you're standing…you're standing over me…just like…just like you did with Farkle." She let her words hang in the air between them. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't move. She could barely remember how to breathe. "I…I don't know how to get it out of my head." She brought her legs back up to her chest as she wrapped her arms around herself. The silence between them was deafening. She had to finish it. He wanted to know. He deserved to know everything. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to blink…to dream…to think about you and not think about that night." She pulled her legs closer to her chest. "That's why I went to see Charlie. I thought that if I saw him…if I confronted him about what happened at the ski lodge…if I could gain some clarity about it…that it would all…it would all just disappear."

She stopped for a second to give him a chance to respond. When he remained silent, she continued. "He's slowly disappearing from my dreams now…whenever I force myself to sleep…but now…" she swallowed before she shook her head. She couldn't stand the silence. She felt awful. Why was she like this? He didn't deserve it. It was a stupid, stupid fight that he didn't start. He shouldn't be punished for it. She hated herself. "I can't do this. Maybe…maybe you were right all along…maybe you were right when we were in Texas. Maybe it was too much. Our past seems to always collide with our present and now because of some stupid fight, my brain won't let me untangle you from Charlie." She wanted to scream. He didn't deserve any of this. "Logically, I know it's not the same. It isn't, but knowing that doesn't stop the dreams from happening."

She still couldn't bring herself to look at him. She felt her heart shatter into a million pieces at his continued silence. The seconds that slowly ticked by felt like hours. She wasn't sure how long they sat there in complete silence as he took in her words. All she knew was that she couldn't stand it anymore. She could feel the crack between them growing bigger and bigger with every passing second. Her heart began to race as she felt the expansive lobby suddenly shrink in size. She couldn't wait for him to answer. She couldn't see the affect her words had on him. He deserved so much better than a broken girl who couldn't let go of the past. "Maybe," her voice cracked as she tried to hold back a sob, "Maybe we were never meant to be together." She untangled her limbs as she forced herself to run. Run away from Lucas, from her confession, from the secret that she kept hidden for four months. She couldn't see the look on his face.

Lucas looked down at the ground as her words played through his mind once more. It was always his greatest fear: her seeing him as a monster, the villain in the story of her life. It was a fear that had become a reality. That evening was a waking nightmare for her, one in which he starred as the villain, the monster who held her captive in a past she never deserved in the first place.

But that wasn't who he was now. He was different. He knew he was different. Three months ago, he would have agreed with her and he would have walked away from her.

Not now.

He knew that he could never be that guy again. Now that he knew the truth, now that he knew what had been plaguing her, they could sit down and try to figure out a way to work through it. He wanted to help her walk in the light again. She deserved to be completely bathed in the sunlight and he wanted to be the one to give it to her. His insecurities told him to leave her alone, but something much stronger told him to fight for her.

He had to find her. He wasn't going to let her go. Not this time.

* * *

It was freezing outside, but Riley didn't care. She couldn't feel much of anything as she forced her legs to keep churning, to continue to separate herself from Lucas and her confession. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. The walls were rapidly closing in on her. It felt like everything around her was squeezing the life out of her. She couldn't keep going. A scream ripped through her as she slowly sunk down to her knees in the small courtyard behind the hotel. How was she ever going to look at him again? How was she going to be able to go through with the play with him? She shook her head. None of that mattered. Not now. She knew that everything she said hurt him. She never wanted him to know. She should have been stronger. She should have kept it from him. Why? Why did she tell him?

She was weak. She was selfish. She couldn't carry the burden anymore. She couldn't stand it any longer. So, she told him. And now, she hated herself even more for it.

"Riley?"

She didn't hear him call out to her. She didn't move as she closed her eyes and tried to focus on breathing. Her heart throbbed every time she tried to take a breath. She felt like she was dying. She wanted to die.

"Riley?"

She heard his muffled voice as a wave of nausea filled her senses. "Go away," she finally croaked out. She coughed as she frantically tried to catch some oxygen in her throat. She was burning up. Her face began to turn red. She still couldn't breathe.

As Riley desperately tried to gulp down oxygen, she felt a hand begin to rub her back. "What happened? Are you hurt?"

"I can't breathe," she struggled as she lifted her bloodshot eyes to look at him. Her vision was clouded. She could barely make him out, not that she could even really see him. Her mind was on everything that had just happened.

"Follow me," he gently instructed. "Take a deep breath."

Riley closed her eyes as she tried to silence her brain. She slowly took a deep breath.

"And release."

Riley opened her mouth as she slowly released the air. Though her heart still pounded, and the tears wouldn't stop flowing from her eyes, she felt a little better.

"And again."

Riley repeated the motion three times before she felt her heart beat begin to slow down. The walls that had closed in on her began to expand once more. The tears were still there, but she felt her temperature climb back down. She started to feel the affects that the cold March night had on Boston. Goosebumps peppered her arms, but she didn't care. The frigid air seemed to help. She slowly sat back on her heels and looked up at the sky as she continued to take a few breaths.

"What happened?"

Riley lowered her eyes to look at her savior. "I…talked to Lucas." She didn't care to wipe the tears away. "He knows. He knows everything."

"I'm sure it was horrible."

"I'm horrible. How could I do that to him?" She shook her head. "Everything I touch, everyone I come in contact, I ruin." Everyone would have been better off without her. They would be normal. Everything would be fine for them.

Everyone else around her had moved on from it, but she couldn't. She tried. She tried everything. Would hurting Lucas, would her confession somehow allow her the chance to finally turn the page and move on? Selfishly, she hoped it would. She was tired of the nightmares, tired of the pain. Tired of hurting him. Tired of hurting herself. She wanted to move forward.

"No, you don't."

She closed her eyes for a moment in order to try to clear up her blurred vision. When she opened them again, she let out a bitter laugh. "You should stay away from me, Jordan."

He slowly raised a hand to her cheek. He hated that he couldn't take this pain away from her. He knew that confronting Lucas would be tough, but she had to do it. They were both trapped in the past. Both afraid to move on. Both afraid to let go. Maybe now, she would be able to begin to. "Not happening."

Riley couldn't think as she felt him lightly caress her cheek. She could barely remember how to breathe, but somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew what was about to happen between them. She did nothing to stop it.

Jordan watched as a few more tears slid down her cheeks. He gently wiped them away with the pad of his thumb. "You're the most incredible person I've ever met," he admitted. "You're smart, funny, caring…not to mention beautiful."

Riley studied his eyes. They were different than the pair who had captured every other thought and dream she had for a year and a half. She felt comforted by the warm brown eyes that stared back at her. "I'm a wreck."

Jordan swallowed. He knew she was vulnerable. He knew that it was the worst possible timing for any of this, but maybe that's what made it real. Sometimes, you can't plan on when things might happen. Sometimes, you need to let go of any sense of control and give into your emotions. "You have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met. You're amazing."

Riley could tell that he was inching closer to her with every word he spoke. Her mind was still muddled with everything that had happened, but maybe this was what she needed. Maybe she needed to be comforted by someone else. Maybe she needed to open herself up to the very real possibility that maybe her and Lucas weren't really meant to be. That maybe he was another lesson for her to learn.

After months of being pulled around in different directions, after months of constantly battling her head and her heart about what to do, Riley was exhausted. She wanted to silence the war she had been waging against herself. She wanted peace. As he continued to inch closer to her, she knew that the time to stop this would be now.

As his lips brushed against hers, Riley's eyelids fluttered shut. All of the voices, all of the memories, all of the inner turmoil she had been thrown into throughout the entire school year seemed to shout at her all at once, but instead of it pushing her away from the guy who was kissing her, it brought her closer to him. It was all jumbled up now. It was all a burst of white noise. For the first time in months, the battle had ceased.

Lucas jogged into the courtyard just as Jordan leaned in to kiss Riley. He blinked several times as he watched Jordan move his hand to Riley's back to pull her closer to him. He let out a puff of air as he watched Riley bring her hands up to his face. She wanted this. She wanted Jordan. After everything, he wanted to fight for her, to prove himself to her, but he hadn't thought of one thing: what if that wasn't what she wanted? What if she didn't want him anymore? He rubbed the back of his neck for a second before he turned and walked back into the hotel.

Nothing had changed, but at the same time, everything had changed. He wasn't about to regress into who he used to be. The jealousy pierced him down to his very core. His entire world had slipped off of its axis, but everything he silently vowed to her was still true. He wanted her to be happy, and he was determined to do everything he could in order to make sure that she was…even if it meant letting her go.


	35. Chapter Thirty Four

_**A/N: The song used at the end of the chapter is Banks "You Should Know Where I'm Coming From".**_

* * *

Chapter Thirty-Four

 _Riley smiled as she and Maya entered the crowded subway. Another Monday, another school day, except for one small detail. It was the last week of senior year. Only two more actual days of class before finals. She could practically smell graduation, and after the year she had, she couldn't wait to move on from everything. NYU was calling her name and she was more than willing to start fresh in a place where no one knew her._

" _You aren't even listening to me, are you," she suddenly heard the blonde ask her._

" _Hmm?" She lowered her gaze to look at her best friend. "Sorry," she chuckled. "I was just thinking about—"_

 _The blonde rolled her eyes. "Lucas? Was it Lucas? Could it have been Lucas? Lucas."_

 _Riley rolled her eyes. "No. I thought we got that settled. I was…thinking about summer." The brunette frowned as soon as the words left her mouth. She glanced around the crowded space around her. Everything around her seemed familiar, too familiar._

 _Maya's eyes brightened. "My favorite subject!"_

 _Riley tried to shake off the anxious feeling that had suddenly risen within her. She had experienced déjà vu before, but this seemed so different. Logically, she knew that she and Maya had ridden the subway to school together for the last six years, so in that time, some conversations were bound to be repeated. "I've just been day dreaming about graduation and moving on…anything to forget most of this year."_

 _Maya grinned. "But not all of it, right," she nudged playfully._

 _A blush crept up on Riley's cheeks as the familiarity of the moment slipped away from her mind. "No. Not all."_

" _This is the first time in what, a month, that we've taken the subway without him?"_

 _Riley nodded. "Yeah. Just like old times, right?" Old times? Why did she say that? Hadn't it just been the two of them for the last four months? Why would Maya only say it's been a month? Riley's head began to pound. Why was she blushing? Who was Maya talking about to begin with? Riley naturally assumed it was Lucas, but they weren't together, and hadn't been together since the previous summer. What was going on? When Maya didn't respond, Riley looked down at her. The blonde was looking past Riley's shoulder at someone behind her. "Maya? What is it?"_

" _This guy. He's here again. He's…gotten in the middle of everything." Maya sighed as she shifted her eyes back to look at Riley. "He's staring at you."_

" _Don't be ridiculous. I'm sure he isn't," Riley turned her head to look at whoever seemed to concern Maya. Her smile faded as her mocha eyes met a pair that mirrored her own. She swallowed harshly as it felt like a ton of bricks had suddenly fallen on her head. She knew those eyes. She scanned the subway car once more as she tried to put all of the pieces together. This couldn't be happening again, could it? It was impossible. They had been here before. She knew that it was a dream, the beginning of an all too familiar nightmare, but she couldn't wake herself up. She couldn't change anything that was happening. As she stared into Jordan's eyes, she felt hypnotized. Why was her heart fluttering? Why couldn't she tear her eyes away from him?_

 _Lucas._

 _What about Lucas? What about everything that happened between them? She was still in love with Lucas, wasn't she? Things couldn't get any worse between them, but the feelings she had always had for the Texan were still there, right? They could get through this, couldn't they?_

 _As Riley's thoughts of Lucas floated away, she remembered that the person across the subway still held her gaze. The green eyes she used to constantly dream about had now been replaced by mahogany eyes that reminded Riley of her first love—chocolate._

 _Why couldn't she look away? Why was she drawn to him? No! She was in love with someone else. Despite everything that happened between them, nothing could ever change how she felt about Lucas. She could have nightmares about him every night for the rest of her life, but some part of her would always love him._

 _That had to count for something, right? Or was it all over? Had he disappeared from her life now?_

 _She closed her eyes as she forced herself to break the connection with Jordan. She turned her head back to Maya before she opened her eyes. "Maya?"_

 _Maya nodded. "I saw." She walked to the other side of the brunette. "I think there is only one thing we can do at this point."_

 _Riley frowned. "What's that?"_

" _Not think," she smiled as she loosened Riley's grip on the pole._

 _The subway screeched to a halt, sending the brunette backwards. Riley closed her eyes as she soared toward the emergency exit. She barely had time to let out a scream before two arms reached out to grab her. Her heart raced as she felt Jordan pull her close. She heard him ask her if she was ok. Riley took a deep breath before she opened her eyes. Brown eyes now met green, but they weren't the shiny emerald orbs of that belonged to Lucas._

 _These eyes had brown flecks that framed the pupils._

 _Riley swallowed harshly as she recognized those eyes—eyes she swore she would never have to see again. She opened her mouth to scream, but he placed a hand over it. "Don't scream," he hissed. "I'd hate to have to drag the others into this, wouldn't you?" He gestured to the other side of the subway car._

 _Riley's frightened eyes followed his line of vision to the other side of the car where Maya stood with Farkle, Zay, Jordan, and Lucas. They stood in a circle as they all laughed about whatever it was they were talking about._

" _Oh, they can't see us," the voice behind her sneered._

 _She blinked several times before she slowly turned her head back to her captor. "What do you want, Charlie?"_

 _He laughed maniacally at her question. It was as if it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. "You ruined my life," he finally told her. "I wanted to make sure that I returned the favor. Mission accomplished, I'd say. Your relationship with him has turned to ash."_

 _She shook her head. "No. That's not what happened. I-It's just…it's just," she stopped as her heart dropped. Charlie was right. All this time, he tried to tell her what was going to happen to Lucas and her, and she didn't listen. It really happened. They weren't together. They weren't even friends. It was all gone._

 _He shrugged. "Since I've taken care of that one, let's erase him from the narrative, shall we?" He grinned as he pulled out a revolver from his jacket. Riley barely had time to react before she heard the gun shot._

Riley's eyes flew open as her head snapped up from its position against the window of the bus. She glanced around her. Half of her classmates were asleep, while the other half were talking, reading, or playing on their cell phones. Her wide, frantic eyes searched the front of the bus for him. She spotted Lucas quickly as he was turned around in his seat as he conversed with Zay. Their eyes briefly before she turned her head back toward Maya.

"You ok," the blonde asked as she slid her ear buds out of her ears.

Riley let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. Tears swam in her eyes. "Y-Yeah," she lied. She ran a hand through her tangled locks as she sat up in the seat.

"Don't lie to me," Maya gently scolded. "Nightmare?"

Riley nodded. Why did she even attempt to sleep on the bus? Why did she entertain the idea for a second that confessing everything to Lucas would somehow magically pull the nightmares from her brain?

"The roof?"

Riley shook her head. "The subway."

Maya frowned. "You haven't had that one in awhile."

Riley shook her head as she leaned her head back against the glass once more. She stared outside as the bus continued its trek down the highway. It had been months since she had that nightmare. This time, it was a little different than the one that used to constantly plague her. "Not since I saw Charlie."

"It's going to be ok." She offered Riley the right ear bud. "Want to listen?"

Riley shook her head as she continued to stare at the trees as they passed by her.

"We'll figure it out, Riley. We always do."

Riley folded her arms across her chest as a chill tore through her. "I'm going to go back to Dr. Singer and ask if there is anything else I can take."

"Do you think there is? You stopped taking that medication before because it wasn't working anymore and it made you feel like a zombie."

"Yeah," she trailed off, "…maybe that's what I need." She cleared her throat. "Maybe I need to not feel anything for awhile." She turned to look at her best friend. "I'm never going on another school trip again."

"Good thing we're graduating in two months, right?"

"Yeah," she sighed as she turned back to look outside.

* * *

He knew she had a nightmare. He told himself that he was going to give her the space she needed in order to figure it out, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to keep an eye on her. Admittedly, when he noticed that she had fallen asleep on the ride back to New York, he thought that maybe her telling him what happened was the resolution she needed. When Lucas saw her worried eyes meet his when she woke up, he knew that didn't happen.

So, he needed to take action.

He wasn't sure what he was going to do. He thought for sure that seeing her kiss Jordan would be the end of everything, but after the initial shock wore off, he still wasn't convinced that it was completely over between them. It seemed pretty ridiculous. Watching someone you love kiss someone else is a paralyzing thing to witness, and something that would make most people want to do everything they could in order to move on, but not Lucas. He knew Riley. He knew that she was going through something that no one deserved to go through, and no matter what happened between them romantically, at the end of the day, he was going to be there for her in whatever capacity she needed him to be. If she wanted him to go away, he would. It would kill him to do it, but he would if that meant she could move on.

The problem was that she didn't tell him that. She kept saying that maybe they weren't meant to be together, that maybe he was right when he told her that it was all too much.

But he was wrong. He knew now that he couldn't have been more wrong. When you're in love, real love, you fight for the other person. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't, but at least you tried. Though he wasn't thrilled with the idea of her dating someone else, maybe that's what she needed now. Maybe she needed space from him in order to get him out of her nightmares.

There was one problem with that: the play. They were both still involved with the play, so there was only so much he could do to give her the room she needed.

Lucas picked up his cell phone and pulled up his contact list as he paced around his bedroom. He knew what he had to do next. He just hoped that it would work. "Hey." He took a deep breath. "Do you still want to help me fix this?"

* * *

 _/What if I said I would break your heart?_ _  
_ _What if I said I have problems that made me, mean?_ _  
_ _What if I knew I would just rip your mind apart_ _  
_ _Would you let me out?/_

Riley curled up on the couch as she listened to the music through her headphones. It was out there. For better or worse, he knew. They hadn't said a word to one another since she ran off at the hotel. She had no idea what to say to him. She wasn't sure if she should tell him about the kiss with Jordan or not. They weren't dating. They hadn't dated in months, but part of her felt like he needed to know. She had no idea how to act around him, which was a serious problem considering they had to play opposite one another in the school play. They had one week of rehearsals followed by four performances and her acting career at Roosevelt High would be over.

A month after that, they'd graduate and she would be completely done with high school. She would be one short summer away from starting college—a brand new chapter.

She should be happy. She should be excited about the possibility of starting over with Maya by her side, but she still had a lot to figure out before then.

Lucas. Jordan. How to finally move on from everything.

She looked up when she noticed her father in the kitchen. She needed advice from someone who had been there before. She slid her headphones off as she watched him pull a bottle of water from the fridge. "Dad," she tentatively called out as she sat up.

He turned to her. "Hey. I'm not bothering you, am I?"

She shook her head.

He closed the refrigerator door before he turned back to face her. "Were you asleep?"

She shook her head. "Sleep doesn't happen very often." She gave him a small smile. "I wanted to ask you about something."

"Me?"

She nodded.

"Ok," he walked over to the couch to sit next to her. "What's up?"

Riley let out a long breath. She couldn't believe she was about to ask for romantic advice from her father, but she knew that he was her best source for this particular problem. "I remember you telling me about how you sort of dated this other girl when you were in high school. The girl you met at the ski lodge?"

Cory nodded. "Yeah. Uh…Lauren. Why do you ask?"

Riley folded her hands together. This was borderline embarrassing, but compared to all of the other awkward conversations she had lately, this felt like a walk in the park. "She kissed you, right? And…and you weren't sure how you really felt about it?"

He sat the bottle of water on the coffee table before he turned toward his daughter. "Something happened in Boston, didn't it?"

Riley bit her bottom lip as she thought back to the kiss with Jordan in the courtyard of the hotel. She'd be lying if she said she didn't feel anything when he kissed her. Her mind had been in a thousand different places, but everything seemed to stop all at once when he kissed her. She was so emotional in that moment, and was still trying to recover from the panic attack that had terrified her, but she felt something akin to peace as all of the voices, all of the memories became muted. It was a relief. "Yeah," she slowly confessed. "I…it wasn't expected."

"Neither was mine."

"So, what did you do? I know it broke you and mom up, but what else happened?"

Cory rubbed the back of his neck. Truthfully, this was a conversation he had hoped to never have with his daughter. He wasn't proud of that part of his past with Topanga. He also knew that it was one of the greatest lessons he learned growing up. If Riley could somehow learn something from it, then he knew he had to tell her what happened. "She came to Philly. She felt something when she kissed me…and…I did too. She wanted to know if the moment we had was because of the setting or if it was something more."

Riley began to play with the cord attached to her headphones. _'Like father, like daughter,'_ she mused. "So, what did you do?"

"Well, your mother told me that she couldn't be with someone who wasn't 100% sure about her, and that if I needed to see if there was anything more with Lauren, then I should do it." It felt like yesterday. They were at Chubbie's and Lauren had just showed up. Topanga came in. He knew she was hurt, and he could remember how horrible he felt about the entire situation. He felt so guilty, so awful for feeling the way he did about Lauren.

"She said that?"

He nodded. "So, I did." He leaned back as memories of his senior year came back to him. "I felt like I owed that to your mother, Lauren, and myself. So, Lauren and I went out on a date."

"And you had a horrible time?"

Cory slowly shook his head. "No. Actually, it was a lot of fun."

Riley frowned. "Wait. What?" That didn't make sense. If her parents were always meant to be, and he dated someone else, shouldn't he have had a horrible time?

"Yeah. So, then I went to your Uncle Shawn because…I had a decision that I needed to make."

"And he knew what to do?"

"No, but he had this scale."

Riley furrowed her eyebrows together. He had completely lost her. How was a scale going to help him figure out who he wanted to be with? "A scale?"

"Yeah…and so he asked me how I felt about each of them…who made me laugh, who I could talk to…" Cory chuckled. "We used jellybeans to figure out who I liked more." It was a completely ridiculous idea at the time, but eventually, it brought him some much-needed clarity.

"And?"

"It was even. For a second, I felt even more confused because I thought that it wouldn't even be close…but then your Uncle Shawn said something I'll never forget."

Riley tilted her head to the side. "What was that?"

"He said that I couldn't live without either of them."

"Ok."

"He was wrong, Riley. I realized at that moment that I could live without Lauren…but I couldn't imagine my life without your mother." It was as someone had flipped a light switch in a dark room. Everything was crystal clear in that moment. There was never a decision to make. It had always been Topanga.

"Wow." It made sense. Who could she live without? To be fair, at that point, it wasn't a fair fight. On the other hand, Riley wasn't sure that it was going to be as simple as that for her. She had a lot more questions she needed to answer before she could even reach that one.

Cory smiled at his daughter. He knew she had a lot to think about and that her situation was a little more complex than his had been. There were a lot of factors for her to consider, but he also knew that, in the end, she would make the right decision. She was the perfect blend of Topanga and himself. He knew that she would look back on all of this one day, perhaps even tell her children about it, and know that she made the right decision. "The story gets a little more complicated after that, but…does that help you at all?"

"You had to see how you felt about Lauren."

He nodded. "I want you to know that I have one regret about it."

"What's that?"

He sat up as he turned to his daughter. "I regret that I wasn't honest with your mother when I had the chance to be. I should have told her about the kiss…instead…she found out because of a letter Lauren had written to me when we left the lodge."

"Yeah," she looked down. "I bet that didn't go over too well." She wasn't dating Lucas when Jordan kissed her, but hearing her father tell her the story of his own love triangle helped her realize that together or not, she needed to tell Lucas. He deserved to know what happened, even if she still wasn't quite sure how she felt about it.

"Understatement," he chuckled. As he watched his daughter continue to stare down at her hands, his smile faded. "Riley, you have a lot going on now…more than anyone your age should. I can't help but feel like a lot of it was my fault."

"It's not," she assured him as she lifted her head to look at him. She stopped blaming her father for everything the moment she stepped off the plane from her impromptu trip to Texas. It was a misunderstanding that had completely gotten out of hand. "Sometimes things happen. You were there when Charlie…" she swallowed, "Umm…and you knew Lucas's background…what he did. You reacted how any normal parent would."

"Overreacted," he quickly corrected. "The thought of you getting hurt like that again…of seeing you like that…it made me crazy. I couldn't protect you the first time. I thought that if I could separate you two…at least slow down how close you two were getting…until I felt more comfortable with him…" he sighed. He had so many regrets about the way he handled her relationship with Lucas at the end of the prior school year. "It's been a rough few years, huh?"

"Understatement." She twisted the cord of her headphones around her finger. If one good thing came from all of this, it was that she had never felt closer to her father. A year ago, she would have never dreamt that she would be asking him for advice and talking to him about her love life. "I feel like I'm making it worse now. Every decision I make seems to be the wrong one."

"It may seem like it now, but I can guarantee you that one day you're going to look back and wonder why you didn't trust your instincts sooner." He placed a comforting hand on her knee. "I want you to know that I'm so proud of you."

She frowned. "Proud? I haven't done anything."

"You survived. Everything that's happened, Riley…you are a survivor. I know things aren't perfect now, but I also know that you're going to get past this."

"I just wish I knew what to do."

"You're talking about it. You're asking for advice. You aren't taking the entire world on your shoulders anymore. You know that you have people all around you who are willing to help you. It's a big step."

"Thank you…for telling me about Lauren."

He reached for the water bottle as he slowly stood up. "I'm not saying jellybeans are the key to figuring out whether or not you should date Jordan or Lucas."

"I wish it was that simple." Throw some jellybeans on a scale and call it day. It would be nice, but it definitely was going to take more than that.

"I know it's not. But I also know you're going to make the right decision."

Just hearing him say that meant the world to her. Their relationship had gone from being the worst it had ever been a year ago to now being closer than ever. At least she managed to get something right. "Thanks dad."

He smiled at her. "Anytime Riley. I'm always here."

She watched as he retreated back to the kitchen. She slid her headphones back over her ears. _'Jellybeans, huh,'_ she mused, _'Leave it to Uncle Shawn to make life altering decisions using jellybeans.'_


	36. Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Five

"Before we begin this afternoon, I have an announcement to make," Ms. Thompson announced to the group of students who had gathered around her on the stage.

"What is it," Riley asked.

"Some things have recently come to light and I have decided that Lucas will now play Benedick, Farkle will now play Leonato, and Jordan will now play Claudio."

Riley shook her head. "Wait. What?" She looked to Lucas who had turned his back to her as he looked down at the play. She looked back at her teacher. "Ms. Thompson. The play is next week!"

She cut her eyes to Lucas for a moment before she looked back at Riley. "Which means we will need to work hard this week to make sure the boys get settled into their new roles."

Riley's wide eyes searched for Maya. What was going on? "Did you know about this?"

Maya shook her head. "No idea." She didn't know anything about it, but at the same time, she couldn't say that the news surprised her.

"Why," Riley asked as she stared at Lucas's back. He didn't turn around or even acknowledge that she had spoken. Instead, he walked off the stage. She turned to Farkle. "Farkle. Why?"

"For you," he answered before he walked off the stage.

"With everything that happened," Jordan began as he walked toward Riley, "We figured that it would be easier for you if Lucas switched roles. We also talked Ms. Thompson into choreographing the confrontation a different way."

Riley thought for sure her brain was short-circuiting. Lucas agreed to do this? Did he want to get away from her that badly? And they reworked the confrontation too? All behind her back? "What? How?"

"Instead of Claudio being angry and shoving Hero, Lucas and Farkle reminded Ms. Thompson that the modern version had Claudio becoming more of a sympathetic character by demonstrating his anguish over the situation instead of blind anger. She agreed that it might result in a stronger performance."

Riley only heard parts of what Jordan was telling her. Lucas and Farkle did this? They wanted to make her more comfortable about the play? Was this Lucas's way of creating distance between them? Was this his way of moving on?

Riley looked at the group of expectant faces around her. "Um…ok," she began slowly, "I guess we have a lot of work to do then."

* * *

The last thirty minutes of practice consisted of costume fittings for the principal cast. Everyone had been dismissed after their fitting. Riley had absentmindedly left her copy of the play on the stage. As she entered the quiet auditorium, she noticed that Lucas sat alone at the edge of the stage. His feet dangled over the side as he studied his lines. He looked up when he heard the door close. He stared at her for a brief second before he looked back down.

"Hi," Riley began nervously as she walked up the stairs to the stage.

"Hey," he answered as he closed the book.

"Hi," she repeated out of habit. She let out a soft chuckle as she bent down to pick up her book. "I…uh…left this," she gestured to the book she held.

He glanced at the item in her hand. "Oh. Yeah…might need that."

Awkward. She knew it would be, but it didn't stop her from feeling a dull ache in her chest at his cool tone. She looked around the auditorium. They were completely alone. She wasn't sure when they would be again. She knew that if she was going to tell him about Jordan, now was her chance. She knew her father was right. No matter what her relationship was with Lucas, he deserved to know. "So…you're Benedick now, huh?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I thought that after what happened in Boston…that it would be easier for you." The idea hit him on the bus ride home. Her playing Hero and him playing Claudio was just way too much for either of them to handle. The last thing he wanted was to remind her of what he did. He wanted her to enjoy her moment on the stage, and not worry about if she was going to experience any more trauma as a result.

"You didn't have to do that." She'd be lying to herself if the news of the casting change didn't disappoint her. Her and Lucas had always been able to work so well playing opposite of one another.

"I know. I wanted to." He watched as she slowly sat down next to him. "Farkle owed me one…and I didn't think Jordan would be opposed to the idea…so we all went to Ms. Thompson…I explained the situation, and she agreed to the changes." Not at first, but once he spoke to her privately about everything that had happened, she was more willing to accommodate their request.

"Oh." She looked down at the book in her hand before she closed her eyes. She had to tell him. It was terrible timing, once again, but she knew that the longer she waited, the worse it would seem. "Lucas, I need to tell you something."

He let out a nervous chuckle. "You don't have to." God, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to handle hearing it from her. The last thing he wanted was to hear how amazing it was or how it made her realize that she wanted to be with Jordan now.

She opened her eyes as she turned to face him. She studied his face for a moment before she realized that he already knew. She had no idea how he knew, but she knew that he was aware of what happened in Boston. "You know."

"Yeah."

She frowned. "Maya told you?"

He shook his head. "I…saw it."

Riley clenched her fist as she tried to gather her thoughts. She wasn't expecting to hear that Lucas saw it. She felt even worse about the situation now. She never wanted him to know how distraught she had been. She never wanted him to see her kissing someone else. She knew that it would hurt her more than she could even imagine to see him with someone else.

"Yeah…I didn't mean to…I…" he stammered as words escaped him, "I went after you. I…didn't want to leave things like that…not after…" he trailed off. He wasn't about to make her feel bad for what she said. He wanted to know what the problem was, and she told him.

"I'm sorry." She shook her head as she looked across the empty auditorium.

"Don't be. I told you months ago that he liked you. I guess I never made the connection that…that you liked him too."

She shook her head. "Lucas, it's not like that. I was freaking out. I had a full-blown panic attack. He found me and got me to calm down and then I just-"

"Riley, I was there. I saw it. You don't have to explain it to me. You…have feelings for him. And…that's ok." He didn't know about the panic attack. When he saw her, she seemed pretty calm, wrapped in the arms of someone who wasn't him.

"Lucas, I don't know," she admitted. The last thing she wanted was for him to assume that she and Jordan were together, when she wasn't even sure how she felt about him. "I don't know how I feel anymore."

He looked down at his hands. "I need to tell you something too."

"You do?"

He nodded. "You once asked me if I saw Jessica when I was in Texas over winter break."

Riley felt her heart stop at the mere mention of his ex-girlfriend's name. "A-And?"

"I did."

Riley looked down. "Oh." He saw her? After the fight, after he found out she saw Charlie?

"I wasn't in a good place. The fight on your birthday, the argument we had in your room about Charlie before I left, not to mention that I had just gotten into a huge with my dad..." He looked down at the ground.

"What did you fight about with your dad?"

"About how I had been acting. He said I wasn't acting like the real me…that I seemed lost." He rolled up the book just to give him something to occupy his nervous energy. _'Sure, tell her even more stories about how angry I was, how much of a disaster I truly am. That should help make her decision to move on to Jordan so much easier.'_ "He was right, but I didn't want to hear it. Who was he to tell me I wasn't being myself? He didn't know me…not well enough to know I wasn't being myself. So, I took Pappy Joe's truck…drove to Chubbie's…and I drank. A lot."

Riley closed her eyes for a long moment. She knew that alcohol only enhanced whatever rage that laid dormant within him. She wanted to speak, to reassure him that it was ok, but truthfully, Riley wasn't sure it was. She needed to know what happened with Jessica. She needed to know, even though they weren't together. Her father was completely right. She was desperate to know even though Lucas wasn't obligated to tell her anything.

"Jessica showed up. We talked…well…she talked. I just sat there and drank. I'm not even sure what she actually said to me. I was focused on the fight I had with my dad…and…thinking about the fight with Farkle…the way you reacted to me after the fact…the argument we had in your room right before I left the city. All of it was playing back through my head on this one loop, and no matter how much I drank, how much I tried to forget, it kept replaying in my mind…faster and faster each time. Finally, I was able to silence the noise long enough to hear what Jessica was trying to say to me."

Riley took a shaky breath. "And what did Jessica have to say?" She wasn't sure she wanted to know, although she could have guessed what Jessica wanted from an inebriated Lucas.

"She wanted us to go somewhere…private."

"Oh." Riley looked away from him. She had no right to ask him her next question, and wasn't entirely sure she was ready to hear the answer to it, but she had to know. "Did you?"

"I thought about it. I'd be lying if I said it didn't." He still hadn't looked at her. Riley couldn't look at him in Boston and he couldn't look at her now. "I wanted to forget everything, even if it was just for a little while…forget the fight with my dad, forget the fight with Farkle, forget the fact that you could talk to Charlie but not me about everything…but…I looked at her and despite how drunk I was, despite everything that had happened…I realized that she wasn't you." He paused. He half expected Riley to run away again. When she didn't, he continued, "I knew that if I left with her, that I would be throwing away any chance we would ever have at getting back together…no matter how small it already was. I knew that I didn't want Jessica." He swallowed. "I wanted you. Only you."

Riley sat there in stunned silence as she tried to think about what he had said to her. He turned Jessica down? Sure, he had done that when they all went to Texas the previous year, but he did it again? Riley knew his history with the blonde. She knew that they had a very tumultuous relationship that was primarily physical in nature. She knew it was a big deal that he turned her down when his inhibitions were lowered.

"All of that came back to me when I saw you kiss Jordan," he suddenly added.

Riley frowned as she faced him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that sometimes…people come into your life in order to show you what's important…what you really want…what you need. I realized that night in Texas that no amount of alcohol or self-loathing would change the fact that I was in love with you. Even when I saw you kiss Jordan…I wanted to interrupt it…I wanted to hit him…to get him away from you. I wanted to lash out…but I didn't because…I know that's not who I am." For the first time during their entire conversation, he looked over at her. "I'm different. Losing you…losing myself…changed me. I learned what was important, who was important…and now I know that you do have feelings for him." When Riley opened her mouth to speak, he raised his hand to stop her. "You might not know what they are yet, but you do. You need to figure out what they mean, Riley."

"What are you saying?"

He couldn't believe he was about to push her toward someone else, but he knew he had to. "Go out with him. Figure out how you feel about him. You owe that to yourself and to him." God, he _had_ changed. He never thought he would ever tell her to go out on a date with someone else.

She couldn't believe what she was hearing. He wanted her to date someone else. He wanted her to go out with Jordan? "What about…what about us?"

"Us?" He raised his eyebrows. Was there still an 'us' between them? "You're still struggling with what I did. I saw it on the bus on the way back from Boston. I want there to be an us…I want it more than anything else in the world, but I don't want you to look back one day and wonder what if with someone else."

She nodded as her father's story reverberated through her mind. She didn't want that either. She never expected to feel anything when Jordan kissed her, but she did. What it was, she wasn't sure. Her head was somewhere else when it happened, but she knew she had to figure it out.

"Next year we're both going to be at NYU. It's a big campus and there's a big chance that we won't even see one another over the next four years. We could graduate high school and walk away as strangers…if that's what you want." The thought alone killed him, but he knew that if they continued along this path, it would become their reality. "I want you to know right now that if you ever need anything or anyone to talk to, I'm there. I'm always going to be there for you, Riley…in whatever way you need me to."

"I feel the same way. Anytime you need me, Lucas, I'm there." She looked down at the book in her lap. "One last play."

"One last play," he echoed.

She looked back up at him. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For saving me." No matter what happened between them, it was something she would always be grateful to him for. She gave him a small smile before she stood up. "I better go. Figure out where Maya is."

"Goodbye Riley."

"Bye." She watched him reached for the play once more before she walked away.

' _Much Ado About Nothing,'_ he thought to himself as he thumbed through the pages of the play, _'Hopefully it is.'_ He heard footsteps approach him from behind. "Forget something else," he smirked as he turned around. His face fell when he realized that it wasn't Riley. "Oh."

Maya raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh? Sorry to disappoint cowboy," she smirked as she sat next to him. "You know…I couldn't help but overhear…"

Lucas shook his head. Of course she overheard their conversation. "Eavesdrop, you mean?"

"Potato, po-tah-to," she said as she waved her arms around. "You're something else. You know that, right?"

He sat the book back down before he turned to her. "Meaning?"

Maya gestured stage right where Riley had exited. "You just told the girl you're in love with to go out with another guy."

"She needs to figure out how she feels."

Maya nodded. "I agree."

"I figured you would."

The blonde frowned. "What does that mean?"

"It means…we're a lot alike." He nudged her. "Siblings, remember? We only want what's best for her."

Maya considered it for a moment. "True." She stared at him a long moment. He seemed ok, but Maya knew Lucas well enough to know that he had to be upset. "Still…that must've been hard."

"Yeah," he let out a breath as he looked up at the rafters. "We've all been through a lot in the last few years." He reached for his backpack. "I need you to do me a favor."

Maya peered over his shoulder to try to get a glimpse of what he was doing. "What's up?"

"I know she hasn't read the journal," he began as he pulled out three more journals. He handed them to Maya. "I'm not sure if she'll ever read it, but on the off chance she does, please give these to her too."

"Volumes 2 through 4," Maya asked as she looked at the pile in her hands.

Lucas nodded. "I know I don't have to tell you this, but I'm going to anyway. Please don't read them."

"I'm not," Maya promised. "We both know that I'm a very nosey person, but I also know that these are pretty personal for you…and for you to share them with her is…incredible."

He never had to think twice about it. He wanted her to know who he was, and the best way to do that was to give her access to his thoughts over the last few months. After everything he put her through, it was the least he could do. "She deserves to know who I am…good and bad."

Maya sat the journals down next to her. "I agree."

"Promise me something, Maya."

"What?"

"That if…if we graduate and Riley and I aren't…in each other's lives anymore…promise me that you'll take care of her. Make sure she finds someone who will love her…who won't ever hurt her."

Maya was silent as she watched Lucas place his copy of the play in his backpack. She was completely baffled by the guy who sat next to her. "I think she already did," she mumbled.

Lucas lifted his head. "What?"

She shook her head. "Nothing," she lied. She cleared her throat. "I promise. Now I need you to promise me something."

He slid his backpack on. "What?"

"Two things," she clarified. "First off, that no matter what happens between you and her…that you and me…we'll be friends. I know it's been rough the last year, but we were pretty close at one point…and we'll both be at NYU in the fall and…if I need a brother type to come give me advice about something…I want to know that you'll be there."

"Absolutely. What's the second thing?"

"Don't give up." She reached for the journals next to her. "She has a lot to sort through. She's trying to figure it all out. I know she still loves you. I…don't know how she feels about Jordan. I don't even think she knows how she feels about him yet…but I know that she loves you, Lucas."

* * *

Riley pulled her history book out of her locker when she heard someone approach her in the otherwise peaceful hallway. She looked up and smiled. "Hey."

"Hey Riley," Jordan greeted as he leaned against the locker next to hers. "Headed home?"

"Yeah," she closed her locker. "Just waiting for Maya. Have you seen her?"

He shook his head. "Are…you ok? With what happened in practice today, I mean." He knew that the announcement had surprised her, but he had hoped that she would ok with the casting change.

"Yeah," she began slowly as she tried to put her thoughts about the afternoon into words. "It's different, and it kind of took me by surprise, but we'll make it work, right?"

He smiled warmly at her. "Absolutely."

They were silent as they began to walk down the empty hallway together. "Jordan," she finally asked.

"Yeah?"

She stopped walking as she turned to face him. "Um…when we were in Boston, you…you said that your offer about a date…was a standing invitation…"

"Yeah?"

She paused for a second. "Well…is there any way that I can I take you up on it?"

His eyes lit up. "Really?"

Her smile grew. "Yeah."


	37. Chapter Thirty Six

Chapter Thirty-Six

Riley stared at herself in the mirror as she put on the finishing touches of her makeup. She felt weird. She was nervous, excited, happy, sad, scared, but most of all, she was conflicted. It felt like something was off. The pit in her stomach didn't help. She knew exactly why she felt that way.

It was ridiculous. She wasn't cheating on anyone. Lucas told her to go out with Jordan-not that she needed his permission in the first place. She thought that there would be a lot of tension and awkwardness as they went through the last several days of rehearsal, but there wasn't. In fact, everything went fairly smoothly. She couldn't believe that the final dress rehearsal was the following afternoon. Senior year was rapidly drawing to a close. It was almost time to start the next chapter of her life.

She shook her head as she reminded herself that tonight wasn't about everything that would happen tomorrow. Tonight was about Jordan. She was going to take one night off from thinking about the future. She was going to go out with a nice guy and she was determined to have a good time. She owed it to herself. She owed it to everyone.

As a new sense of determination set in, Riley opened her jewelry box in order to locate the pair of earrings she wanted to wear. When she lifted the tray, her eyes landed on it.

The locket.

She lifted the corner of her mouth in a halfhearted attempt to smile as she reached for it. She couldn't help it. Every time she saw the necklace, her mind immediately pulled her back to Texas. Her fingers lightly traced the branches of the tree as she succumbed to the memories of the peacefulness that she desperately needed. She slowly closed her eyes as she could practically hear the sound of the crickets chirping and feel the light breeze that surrounded her. She could imagine the endless sky above her as she ran her fingers along the freshly cut grass in the field.

It felt like coming home.

Reluctantly, she pulled herself out of her daydream when she heard someone knock on her door. "Come in," she called as she placed the locket back in the box.

Topanga poked her head in. "Hey, Jordan's here."

"Ok," she replied as she pulled out a pair of earrings. "I'll be out in a minute." She forced herself to shake off the incredible sense of loss she felt as she closed the jewelry box. It was all a fantasy. It wasn't real. What was real was the fact that a really nice guy was waiting to take her out on a date. This was her chance to move on, to bury the past. A part of that past was the hill, the place she clung to as she endured some of the darkest days of her life. She knew that there was a very real chance that she would never see it again.

Topanga frowned at her daughter's chilly response. She closed the door before she walked toward Riley. "You ok?"

She nodded as she looked up at her mother through the mirror. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know," Topanga began slowly as she studied the pensive look on her daughter's face. "Why wouldn't you be?"

"I'm fine," Riley insisted as she put on the earrings. She looked at herself in the mirror before she ran a hand through her locks in order to loosen her curls a little more. She turned to her mother. "How do I look?"

Topanga gave her a half-hearted smile. She had gotten pretty good about hiding her emotions from practically everyone, maybe even herself, but Riley could never fool her. Her daughter didn't seem happy about the date. She seemed pretty resigned to it, as if it was her only option. "Beautiful."

Riley furrowed her eyebrows. "Then why are you looking at me like that?"

"I'm just…worried." To put it lightly. Cory and her had decided months ago to stay out of it and allow Riley a chance to figure out everything on her own, but as the months wore on, Topanga felt an urge to step in. She noticed that Riley had pulled back from practically everyone in her life. She couldn't relate to what had happened to her daughter, but she could relate to the situation Riley found herself in now. Was it exactly the same? No, but it was the first problem she had in months that Topanga could offer some personal advice about.

"Worried? About Jordan?" She let out a small chuckle. "Mom, he's a great—"

"Not about that," her mother interrupted. She knew that Riley would come up with a hundred reasons why he was a nice guy, why this was the right move to make. Maybe it was. Maybe she had real feelings for him, but just as sure as she stood there, she knew that her daughter's feelings for Lucas hadn't lessened despite Riley's attempts to show everyone that they had. "He seems like a great guy. Your father thinks he's a wonderful student."

Riley crossed her arms over her chest. "So, why are you worried?"

"Because I know you," she answered honestly. She had promised Cory she would stay out of it, but she couldn't stay silent anymore. "I know that you have a lot to figure out, but I've been there before, Riley."

"What else am I supposed to do?" She walked toward her closet to grab a pair of sandals. "I know the story, mom. Dad already told me what happened with Lauren and him." She sat down at the bay window as she put her shoes on. "I don't know what's going to happen with Jordan, but I felt something when he kissed me." She thought about the moment they shared in the courtyard of the hotel. She had been so disoriented at the time. Part of her wasn't even aware of what was happening, but she was certain of one thing. "I…I kissed him back. Mom, that has to mean something, doesn't it?"

Topanga slowly sat down on her daughter's bed as she watched Riley put her shoes on. "Does Lucas know about tonight?"

"Yes." She sighed in frustration as she leaned back against the window. What was with all of the questions? "He told me to go out with Jordan. He told me to figure out how I felt about him." She pursed her lips together as she stared at the ground. "He…He didn't even want to consider the idea of us…of trying to work through my screwed up subconscious until I understood how I felt."

Topanga nodded. She didn't know the Texan as well as Riley or Cory did, but she had seen enough over the last two years to know who he was. "He's a good guy, Riley."

"I know that, mom." She looked up at her mother. "That's what's making it so hard. They're both great guys. It's not like last year. Charlie or Lucas…someone who hurt me or someone who…who saved me." Moisture filled her eyes, but she wasn't about to give into the urge to breakdown. Not now. She was too determined to give tonight a fair chance. "Jordan is a really good guy. He's been there for me…through all of this. He was there when Lucas…" she paused as she shifted uncomfortably in the seat, "when Lucas couldn't be."

"I know he was." Topanga watched as the tears that had filled her daughter's eyes slowly disappeared. "I want you to be happy."

"So do I," she exclaimed as she stood up. "I want to be happy. I want Lucas to be happy. I want Jordan to be happy. I want Maya to be happy. I want everyone in my world to be happy." She walked toward her bed in order to sit next to Topanga. "Mom…how did it feel when dad had to see how he felt about Lauren?"

"It killed me," she answered honestly. "It was something…that I wasn't sure we would ever come back from." Maybe that was why Topanga felt the need to step in, to talk to Riley about this date. Everything worked out fine for Cory and her, but Riley wasn't guaranteed the same happy ending.

Riley swallowed. Her mother had voiced one of her greatest fears about this entire situation. To be honest, that fear had plagued Riley ever since she ran away to Texas. What if she was making mistake after mistake and by the time she realized it, it would be too late? But what about everything that happened with Jordan? Was she supposed to run back to Lucas only because she was scared to lose him? She knew that wasn't fair to anyone. The last thing she wanted was to resent Lucas. Not to mention the fact that this was all under the assumption that the nightmares that had plagued her for months were no longer a factor. She didn't want Lucas to see her fear. Was she afraid of him? No, but that didn't stop the nightmares from happening anyway. "So…what happened afterward?"

Topanga chuckled at the irony of the situation. Twenty-five years later and her daughter was going through a very similar situation. "I went out with someone else."

Riley frowned. "You too?"

Topanga nodded. "Relationships get tested, Riley. It happens. It's a part of life. What matters is how you come out of those tests."

Riley knew that Jordan was waiting for her downstairs, but she had to know how everything got resolved between her parents. "What happened when you went out with someone else?"

"Well, we had a lot in common. It was…a great date."

"But…"

"But…" Topanga shrugged as if it was the easiest decision she had ever made. Looking back, maybe it was. Everything became crystal clear when he kissed her. "He wasn't your father."

It was the same thing her father realized. Riley wanted that kind of clarity. She needed it. How was she supposed to move on when she wasn't sure how she felt? "I need to do this."

Topanga nodded. "I know you do. I hope that you'll be able to figure it out."

Riley smiled at her. "Me too."

* * *

Jordan smiled at the brunette who sat across from him. It had taken most of the school year, but here he was, out on a date with Riley Matthews. She had been quiet for most of the walk to Volare, the Italian restaurant he decided would be perfect for their date. He had eaten there a few times before and knew it would be a great place to get to know her better. Sure, they talked all night in Boston, but most of it was centered around her relationship with Lucas. He didn't know anything about her family, her childhood. "So, have you eaten here before?"

"Yeah," she replied absent-mindedly after she took a sip of her water. "Lucas took me here when…" she stopped herself when she realized that she brought him up. The one thing she told herself she wouldn't do and she did it five minutes into their date. "I'm sorry." She knew she had been quiet, but the conversation with her mother on top of seeing the locket again seemed to make her head spin. As her eyes met Jordan's across the table, Riley knew that she had to get her mind back on the present—on her date with Jordan.

"It's fine." He knew what he was signing up for when he asked her out. Lucas was a huge part of her life and Volare wasn't exactly a secret restaurant. It was one of the best Italian places in the city and mere blocks from Riley's apartment. Of course she would have eaten here at some point with him.

' _Good job, Matthews,'_ Riley chastised herself. _'Just what every guy wants to hear on a date.'_ She cleared her throat as she searched her brain for something to talk about in order to get the conversation off of her slip up. "So tomorrow…dress rehearsal."

"I know. Exciting isn't it? It's probably my favorite part of acting."

Ok. This was good. Good topic. The play. Of course, the play. It was something they had in common. "The dress rehearsal?"

"Yeah," he smiled. "For me, the dress rehearsal is less about connecting with the audience and more about connecting with the other actors, you know?"

Riley nodded. It made sense. Dress rehearsals took the pressure off of an actual performance while still maintaining some of the excitement of a performance. She was excited to have a complete run through of the play. "That's a good point." She smiled as she thought about some of her past performances. "During the rehearsal for 'Romeo and Juliet' Lucas and I…" she stopped herself. Did she really bring him up again? "I'm sorry." Maybe the play wasn't a safe subject after all.

"Riley, it's ok. I know you have a past. I know he was a big part of it."

Thankfully, their awkward conversation ceased as the waiter brought out their food. While Jordan happily dug into his food, Riley picked up her fork and began to push her food around on the plate. _'A past. He was a big part of it,'_ echoed through her mind. What was wrong with her? She swore to herself that she would be completely present in her date with Jordan. No mention of Lucas, no mention of the past, but here she was doing both at the same time.

"How is it," Jordan asked.

She looked down at her plate. She hadn't taken a bite of her spaghetti, but managed to push it around enough to make him believe that she had eaten some of it. "It's great," she lied as she continued to push the food around, her appetite seemingly lost among her jumbled thoughts.

* * *

Lucas stared intently at the television as he continued play _'Zombies Eat Your Brains'_ with Zay. Instead of sitting alone at home, Farkle insisted that he and Zay come to his place and hang out. Admittedly, Lucas wasn't thrilled with the idea of being by himself while Riley was out on her date with Jordan. Every time he thought about it, he got nauseous. He knew she had to go out with him. He knew that if they ever had a shot, she had to see how she felt about Jordan first.

But what if she realized that she did have feelings for him? What if…what if he kissed her again? What if something more happened? Lucas could barely contain himself as his fingers aggressively slammed against the controller. What if he lost her?

He gripped the controller. He had already lost her. He knew he had. How many times did he have to hear it from her before he actually believed it? He never believed in anything before, but some part of him, even when he pushed her away, always believed that they were meant to be together. You don't meet someone who completely captivates every single shred of yourself that often—if ever. He wanted to fight for her, for them, but how can you fight the past? How can you fight for someone who might have feelings for someone else?

He lost her. And the realization of it was enough to make him want to run back to Texas and forget about New York.

But he couldn't.

Because she had changed him. He wasn't who he was two years ago when he moved to the city. He wasn't who he was five months ago. His former self would have found out where they went and he would have interrupted their date and made a scene, if necessary, in order to prove his feelings for her.

But that's not who he was anymore. He knew she needed this. As much as it killed him to think about, he knew he had to let her go.

"Damn man," Zay groaned from his seat next to Lucas. "Leave some for me."

Lucas said nothing as he continued to blast away at the flesh-eating zombies on the screen. He smashed his thumbs down on the controller as he tried to force himself to not think about the one person who had been constantly on his mind since the day he met her.

"I don't get it," Zay said as he sat the controller down. There was no use in trying to play with Lucas right now. He had taken out every single zombie in the hour they had played the game. "Why did you tell her to go out with him? Clearly, you are not ok with it."

"I get it," Farkle answered as he typed away on his computer. "He's putting her feelings in front of his."

Lucas ignored them as he continued to play the game. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to think about it. He knew that they were somewhere in the city, probably having the time of their lives. It was all over school. Riley and Jordan. Jordan and Riley. His stomach lurched.

Zay walked over to where Farkle sat. "But Riley doesn't even like him like that." He leaned down to look at what the genius was working on. "What are you doing?"

"Who told you that?" Lucas turned his head toward his best friends. If she didn't like Jordan, then why was she going on a date with him? It made no sense. Riley would never lead someone on. No, she had to have some kind of feelings for Jordan. She told him as much.

"Maya," Zay answered just as Farkle's phone rang.

"Speaking of," Farkle said as he answered the phone. "Hey." He scrambled to get up and walk away from the sound of his best friends arguing about what Maya had told Zay. "No…Come on over…No, it's fine…Yeah, we're all hanging out...ok…ok bye," he hung up the phone and turned back to the guys.

"Maya doesn't know how Riley feels, ok," Lucas emphatically answered. "Riley is Riley. Only she knows how she really feels…and she told me she wasn't sure."

"Maya knew Riley had feelings for you before Riley told her," Zay retorted.

"That's different," Lucas said.

"How is that any different than this," Zay combated.

"Well, Maya's coming by," Farkle interjected. "You can ask her when she gets here if you want to."

Zay turned to Farkle. "How's that going by the way? The back to friendship thing with your ex-girlfriend?"

Farkle looked down at his phone for a moment before he walked back to his computer. "It's taking some getting used to, but…we're working through it, I think." He sighed as he sat down. "Riley still isn't saying much to me."

"I think she's trying to handle one situation at a time right now," Zay offered. "She'll come around. I mean…he did," he gestured to Lucas.

"I still think switching roles wasn't the best idea," Farkle muttered. It was stupid. Why was Lucas willingly pushing Riley into Jordan's arms? Pushing his feelings aside for her was one thing, but taking an active role in pushing her to someone else was something Farkle would never understand.

"You owed me one," Lucas answered as he reached for the controller. "I cashed it in."

"Why did you do that," Zay turned his attention back to the Texan. "You just pushed Riley toward him. We all know that you two can never keep your hands off of each other during the school play. Why give up your chance to win her back?"

"It's not about that," Lucas quickly answered as he stood up. He turned to face them. He wasn't going to defend his actions to them all night. He was going to say this once and it was going to be the end of the conversation. He came to Farkle's to ignore what was going on, not to hash out every detail of his decision making over the last few months. "She deserves to be happy. Playing opposite of me…in that role…brought up everything. She has nightmares about me…about what I did. She needs to figure out where I fit in…if anywhere. There's a real chance she could never get past it. If there is something more…between them…then she deserves to find that out."

"Ok, who are you and what happened to Lucas Friar?"

Lucas looked down at himself before he looked back at Zay. "This is me. The real me. Finally."

* * *

"I'm sorry," she repeated for what felt like the hundredth time that night. Once again, she got tangled up in a web of memories and something reminded her of a great Lucas story. As far as first dates went, this had to be one of the worst in the history of everything. Everywhere she looked, there he was. She saw him in the restaurant. She saw him during the movie. She saw him on the subway home. She even saw him in a streetlight as Jordan walked her back to her apartment.

When they reached the stairs, she turned to face him. She had been apologizing all night to him, but she wasn't sure what else to say. She really wanted to go on a date with Jordan and have it just be about getting to know one another a little better. Instead, it turned into one huge apology for being unable to get Lucas Friar out of her head. "Pretty awful first date, right?"

He smiled as he shook his head. "No. Riley. It's ok." Had she brought up Lucas repeatedly? Yes, but this was also her first date since their breakup. She seemed to be putting an effort into getting to know him better. She asked about his past—growing up in Chicago and moving to New York in ninth grade. She asked about why he transferred schools and he told her all about their move from Brooklyn to Greenwich Village. Still, he couldn't read her. He wasn't sure what was on her mind or where her head was at.

"I'm so screwed up," she confessed. All she could talk about was Lucas or mention things that reminded her of Lucas. She stayed silent during their ride to the movie. Thankfully Jordan was more than willing to talk about his life before they met. She enjoyed getting to know him more, but at the same time, why was someone else on her mind the entire time?

"You aren't." He took a step closer to her. "I had a good time." He wasn't going to make a move unless she was ok with it. He knew about her attack and was more than willing to give her the chance to tell him no.

Riley swallowed as she watched Jordan slowly inch closer to her. As their eyes met, she realized that this was it. This was the moment she had waited all night for. Caught up in fumbling over every mention of Lucas, she hadn't had a chance to really determine what sort of feelings she had for Jordan. She knew that this was the moment that would define them. "You're gonna kiss me now, aren't you?"

"Yeah," he murmured as he leaned in closer to her.

Riley held her breath as she slowly closed her eyes. As Jordan's lips brushed against hers, she saw him again. On the hill. Looking up at the stars. Calling for her to come back to him. Riley's eyes flew open as she pulled away from Jordan. "Jordan…I'm sorry. I can't do this."

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "Do what?"

Riley's eyes fell to the ground as she tried to compose her thoughts. Images of Lucas still danced through her mind. Why didn't she see all of that before? Because her mind was too focused on recovering from that panic attack. She looked back up at Jordan. "You're such a nice guy. You were there for me when I needed someone to listen." She folded her arms across her chest. "And when I think about you, it makes sense why any girl would want to date you."

"So what's the problem?" He already knew what it was, and while he liked Riley, he knew the moment their lips met, with absolute certainty, that whatever happened between them in Boston was strictly because of the moment. He needed to make sure that she knew it too.

"A good relationship needs more. I don't…have those type of feelings for you." She paused. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He looked down. "I knew it was a long shot in the first place and to be honest," he chuckled, "I didn't feel anything…romantic…with you when we kissed."

Riley couldn't help the smile that spread across her features. She was relieved that he didn't feel a spark either. "Really?"

"Can I say something?"

She nodded. "Absolutely."

He smiled. The evening hadn't gone at all the way he had planned for it too, but at the same time, it ended exactly how it should have. "It's pretty obvious how you feel about Lucas. Even tonight…you couldn't stop talking about him."

"Have I apologized for that? Because I really am—"

"Not the point," he chuckled. "I know that there are some things that are holding you back…the nightmares and what happened, but you need to know that it was completely his idea to switch roles…and he insisted that we change that scene around. Farkle and I were there to support him, but he was the one who told Ms. Thompson exactly how to play it."

"He was?" Deep down, she suspected as much, but hearing Jordan confirm it made her heart skip a beat.

"He's a good guy, Riley."

This was the weirdest date in the history of everything. Now Jordan was complimenting Lucas? "You think so?"

"I know so."


	38. Chapter Thirty Seven

_**A/N: Sorry this is a little late. I was sick all last week and then Hurricane Matthew knocked out my power for about 36 hours.**_

* * *

Chapter Thirty-Seven

As soon as she closed her bedroom door, Riley leaned her head against it as she closed her eyes. Tonight didn't go at all how she planned for it to, but Jordan was right. She had feelings for someone else. It was painfully obvious every time she mentioned Lucas, but was that enough to finally get over everything that happened between them in the last year?

She opened her eyes as she slowly walked to her desk. She hesitated for a second before she opened the bottom drawer and pulled out the journal—his journal. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear as she walked to her bed and sat down.

She took a deep breath. "Ok, Riley. You've tried everything else." Her heart pounded as she opened the journal:

' _My therapist suggested that I start to write down my thoughts and feelings as they come to me. It seems ridiculous to me that writing it all down will somehow help the mess I've created, but I have to do something. I've completely lost sight of who I am, of who I want to be. While that's enough for anyone to easily fill up a book full of pent up emotions in order to rediscover themselves, as I sit here, my only thoughts right now are centered around Riley and what she witnessed.'_

She swallowed as she scanned the sentences she had long since memorized. She glanced at the bay window for a moment before she looked back down at the journal. Would she find the answers she was looking for? Were these pages going to comfort her or were they going to scare her even more? At that moment, the only thing she knew for certain was that (good or bad) she would never look at him the same way again. She held his deepest thoughts in her hand—some she knew he would never voice to anyone—but he wanted her to know them. He wanted her to know who he truly was, and now, she felt like she was ready to find out. "Ok," she murmured as her eyes descended back to the page.

' _I'm sitting here wondering why. Why did I hit one of my best friends? Why did I ignore her when she begged me to stop? The only answer I have is that I wasn't there. It felt like I was imprisoned inside of the body of someone I didn't know. I wasn't in control. Part of me was screaming at myself to stop, but I couldn't. I was completely trapped, and then I guess I blacked out completely. The next thing I remember was waking up and seeing Farkle. I saw what I did, and I felt like I was going to throw up. I don't think I had ever been so scared in my entire life. I had hurt one of my best friends. I had finally snapped after months of trying to convince myself that I was that guy. And she saw the whole thing. What had I done to her? I felt paralyzed. I was scared to look at her, to see what kind of damage I had inflicted on her too. I had given her every reason to see me as a monster now. I knew it would kill me to see the fear in her eyes, but nothing could have prepared me for what I actually saw._

 _It was like my heart, my mind, and my soul got ripped from me all at once. In a million years, I never wanted to see her look at me like that. I'd rather have Farkle, Zay, and the rest of the student body take turns beating me up than to ever see her look at me like that. I can't close my eyes without seeing the complete and utter look of horror on her face. She was petrified of me, and I saw it. I know she thought about Charlie and what happened last year. And now, I'm certain that she sees me as she sees him._

 _We almost had it again. Those few moments before Farkle interrupted us felt like a dream. Holding her, kissing her…God, I missed her so much. I thought that hurting her in Texas was the lowest it could possibly ever get, but this…seeing her scared of me…scared of what I was capable of doing…was so much worse. I don't know what to do. I'm scared of what I could have done to her. Did I hurt her? Did I hit her? I don't know. I don't know anything right now. All I see is when I close my eyes is Farkle laying on the ground and her looking at me as if I'm the beast she never knew existed._

 _I need help. I want help. I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to be like my father, but what if it's too late? What if I already am? What if I lost her? What if I lost the chance of becoming who I want to be?'_

Riley released the breath she didn't realize she was holding as tears cascaded down her cheeks. "Oh my God," she breathed as she turned the page. She felt the crack in her heart spread with every word she read. This was what he went through in the days, in the weeks following her birthday. There were pages and pages of self-loathing, regret, and depression. Riley wiped her eyes when she came across an entry he made while he was in Texas over winter break.

' _Dad and I got into it tonight. He knew I wasn't acting 'like myself'. He knew something had happened. I don't understand why he's so interested in my life now. He never cared before, and now that I don't want his attention, I can't seem to get away from it. Mom told Pappy Joe about the fight, I guess. How else would dad know about it? He said that wasn't who I was. I told him that he should be proud that I was just like him. I told him that I learned how to respond to confrontation by using my fists. I told him that I learned that from him—that I knew how to be a bastard unworthy of any real love._

 _I left. I had to. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to blame him for every shitty thing that's happened in my life. I wanted to hurt him because he was the reason why I hurt everyone who ever gave a damn about me._

 _I went to Chubbie's. I guess I went there to wallow, to lose myself. I couldn't handle being Lucas Friar, perpetual screw up, anymore. So, I had a drink. Then another. Then another. I don't know how many I had before Jessica showed up. I should've known she would have. She always had a gift of knowing when I was the most vulnerable._

 _I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to. I wanted to lose myself and forget everything I had done in New York. That was the whole point of going to Texas…to get away from what happened…to get away from her. When I opened my mouth to tell Jessica that we could go to our old spot, something stopped me. Somewhere in my drunken stupor, I saw Riley. I saw an image of us on the dance floor at Chubbie's and while it wasn't the happiest memory of us, I remembered that at the time, all I wanted to do was to protect her. I had never felt like that about anyone before. I had never cared about anyone like that before. It was at that moment that I knew that if I kept this up, if I went with Jessica out of convenience, if I kept blaming everyone else for every bad thing that happened, then I would become the guy I tried so hard for a year not to be. I would be the guy I hated. I would never be worthy of her again._

 _Maybe it is too late for Riley and me, but it isn't too late for me to make the effort to become the man I want to be.'_

* * *

 _She knew it wasn't possible. Somewhere in the back of her mind, it all had to be some sort of dream, but everything felt so real. Riley looked across the stage at the jammed packed audience that seemed completely riveted by her performance. The lights from overhead nearly blinded her as she gripped the bannister in front of her._

" _Riley," Maya hissed from somewhere in the wings._

 _Riley swallowed as she tore her eyes from the audience to her best friend._

" _It's your line," Maya whispered._

 _Riley furrowed her brows. Her line? She looked down at her clothes. This wasn't her costume from 'Much Ado About Nothing'. It was her costume from 'Romeo and Juliet'. She scanned the balcony that she stood on. It was the same one they used for 'Romeo and Juliet'. She looked around her. That was when she saw him._

 _Lucas._

 _Lucas dressed as Romeo._

 _But hadn't they already done this?_

 _Riley swallowed. "I…uhh…"_

" _They all wanted to tear us apart," Lucas told her as he slowly climbed the balcony in order to get closer to her. "They said that we weren't good for one another. They said that it would end badly."_

" _It did end badly," Riley replied. None of this was in the play, but for some reason, she didn't care._

 _Lucas didn't seem to be going by any sort of script. It felt like he was speaking directly to her. He didn't even seem to be aware of the audience._

" _No," he argued as he climbed over the rail. When he stood up, he immediately closed the space between them. "Because it didn't end."_

 _She frowned as her confused eyes met his assured ones. "But it did. It ended so many times, Lucas. I don't know if I could handle going through all of that again."_

" _No," he shook his head as he leaned his forehead to rest against hers. "The words were there, but the feelings…they never left." He reached for her hand before he brought it up to rest over his heart. His hand covered hers as she felt his heart thump against his chest. "This beats for you…for us…for the day that fate decides that we've suffered enough."_

" _Lucas," she began slowly as she allowed herself a moment to feel the steady beat of his heart against her fingertips. Reluctantly, she lowered her hand as she pulled back slightly from him. "Haven't we though? Suffered enough? Are we too damaged to get a happily ever after?"_

" _Some things are worth the fight. You are worth every single moment of it and so much more." He lightly brushed his fingers against her cheek. "Remember how free we felt up here? We could be together and no one could stop us from…from feeling what we feel."_

 _She closed her eyes as she reveled in his touch. "It wasn't real."_

" _Yes," he replied firmly. "It was just as real as the day you showed up in Texas. It was just as pure…just as right as the night we spent together."_

" _Before it all fell apart."_

" _Before I screwed it up," he corrected. He turned to the audience. "Riley, we don't have to fight them anymore."_

 _Riley followed his eye line. She was still blinded by the lights, so she wasn't sure whom he was talking about. "Fight who?"_

" _All of them," he gestured to the entire audience._

 _The spotlight moved to highlight the front row of the sold out performance. They were all there: her parents, Lucas's father, Farkle, Zay, Jordan, Charlie, Missy, Jessica. Riley's eyes widened when she saw Lucas next to Jessica. She blinked several times before she looked up at the guy next to her. "You?"_

" _The old me," he corrected. "The guy who couldn't control his temper. The guy who gave up when he should have fought harder. The guy who thought he could never be good enough. The guy you were afraid of."_

 _She swallowed. "You aren't him anymore." It wasn't even a question. She could look in his eyes and tell that he wasn't the same guy who was on the rooftop that night._

 _He shook his head. "And you aren't her," he gestured to the person on the other side of Lucas in the audience._

 _Riley turned to look at the last member of the front row. "Me," she asked._

" _Who you were before you read this," he held up his journal in his hand. "Someone who feared me." He sat the journal down as he reached for her hands. "Someone who was ripped in two. Someone who couldn't decide between her head and her heart."_

 _Riley turned her gaze back to Lucas. "And now I'm not?"_

 _He smirked. "Not quite. You haven't finished it yet." He lifted her hands to his lips before he placed a kiss along her knuckles. "But you made the decision to give it a chance, to give me a chance to explain it…I know that wasn't an easy decision."_

" _You opened yourself up by giving me the journal. I'm sorry it took me so long to read it."_

" _I missed you."_

" _I missed you too." She wrapped her arms around his neck as her lips met his in a smoldering kiss._

 _The audience, all composed of those who had stood in the path of their destiny at one time or another, erupted into applause._

 _Riley smiled against his lips. It had been too long since she felt so complete._

"Riley, Riley," Maya called out to her. "Riley, the dress rehearsal starts in two hours. We have to go!" She shook the brunette who grumbled before she rolled over. Maya paused when she noticed the book that laid next to Riley. She slowly picked it up. "Oh my God." Her wide eyes moved back to the sleeping brunette as she placed the journal on Riley's nightstand. "Ok. Riley. Riley! Get up! We need to talk and get to the school!"

Riley groaned as she slowly opened her eyes. "Maya?"

She let out an exasperated sigh. "Yes. Me, Maya. You, Riley. Two hours until dress rehearsal."

"What time is it," Riley yawned as she slowly sat up.

"It's one in the afternoon!" Maya sat her gym bag down before she sat at the edge of the bed. "Geez. What time did you go to bed?"

Riley shook her head as she tried to shake herself out of the dream Maya had interrupted. "I don't know." She glanced at the journal on her nightstand. "I was reading…Lucas's journal and I guess I fell asleep."

"Those new pills you're on must be amazing."

"I'm not…" Riley slowly turned her head back to Maya. "I'm not on anything. I haven't talked to my doctor about the medication yet."

Maya frowned. "But you were asleep."

"Yeah…for at least twelve hours." Her eyes widened. "I haven't slept like that since…since I ran off to Texas."

Maya raised her eyebrows. "Wow. Must've been some date you had last night."

She shook her head. "No. It was horrible actually. The worst first date in the history of first dates."

"What?" She glanced at Riley's alarm clock. "Go get dressed while you tell me everything." She knew they needed to be at the school an hour before rehearsal, so they didn't have much time, but she was dying to find out how the date went.

"I kept thinking about Lucas," Riley stood up as she walked toward her closet. "The whole time. Maya, I even talked about him. A lot. It felt like every time I opened my mouth, I was telling Jordan something about Lucas."

"What did Jordan have to say about all of that?"

Riley yawned as she pulled out a t-shirt and jeans. "He said it was natural for me to talk about him. That Lucas and I had a past."

"That was nice of him to say."

"Yeah," she paused as she slid the t-shirt over her head, "but that's just it. That's what got me, Maya." She pulled her hair out from under the shirt.

"What did?"

"Him saying that Lucas and me…that our relationship was in the past." She slid on the jeans as the memory of the previous evening replayed through her mind. She couldn't believe how clearly she saw everything now.

Maya frowned. She was fairly certain that they had been broken up for months now. By definition, it was in the past. "Isn't it?"

"Yeah, but," she grabbed a pair of socks and tennis shoes before she walked toward the bay window. "I realized that I didn't want that. I don't want us to be in the past." She sat down as she slid on her polka dot socks.

Maya watched Riley for a moment as she tried to digest everything her best friend was telling her. She had hoped Riley would figure out how she felt about Lucas when she went out with Jordan, but she never expected Riley to have it all together less than twenty-four hours later. "What else happened?"

"Jordan kissed me."

"How was that?"

Riley stood up before she walked over to her desk to grab her copy of the play. "I thought about Lucas during that too. I…told Jordan that I didn't think we should see each other again. I don't have those kind of feelings for him."

Maya watched as Riley walked to her dresser in order to fix her hair. "What about Lucas?"

Riley turned to the blonde. "I love him, Maya."

"Well…dah-hurr," she smiled. "What about the journal?"

Riley turned back toward the mirror as she pulled her hair back into a bun. "I read most it last night. I guess I fell asleep. I…didn't have a nightmare…not about Lucas…or Charlie…or anything. I actually had a good dream."

"Do tell."

"Everyone was there. And I mean everyone…us, you, my parents, his dad, the guys, Jessica, Charlie…everyone who ever tried to keep us apart."

Maya frowned. "Hey, I never did that."

"Not you," Riley corrected. "You were standing in the wings."

"The wings?"

"We were in the middle of a play. _'Romeo and Juliet'_. You were the stage manager. Lucas and I were on stage…and everyone else was in the audience. Lucas and I started talking about everything that happened…then…we kissed…and everyone cheered." She glanced at the journal once more. "I need to finish reading the rest of that."

"Yeah, you do," she nodded. She bit her lip for a moment before she reached for her duffle bag. "When you do, you can start on these too." She pulled out the three journals Lucas had given her to give to Riley.

"What?" She walked toward the blonde. "There are more?"

"He…gave them to me to give to you whenever, if ever, you decided to read that one." She handed them to Riley. "He didn't want to pressure you in case you decided not to read that one."

"Wow." She ran her hand along the front cover of the top one. "So, you've just been carrying these around?"

Maya smirked. "I know you pretty well, Riles. I figured that if you were going to read that journal any time soon, it would have been last night…so I hedged my bets and brought the others with me." As she watched Riley run her hand along the leather bound books, Maya's smile fell. "Riles?"

Riley looked up at her. "Yeah?"

"You need to be sure this time. Absolutely sure. He's come a long way."

"Are you protecting Lucas?"

Maya rolled her eyes. "He's like a brother to me, ok? And we talked when he gave me those…geez…I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, but you need to know that…he really loves you. You know me…I've been so confused…about the concept of love and what it means…but if I know anything, it's that he really does love you. So, you need to be sure. You need to read those first. He wanted you to know who he was and that includes reading these three."

Riley nodded. "I know I need to, but all I want to do is go to him…right now. Maya, I don't want to wait anymore. We've wasted so much time."

"I know, Riley…but please listen to me. All I'm asking is for you to wait…wait until you read the others. Wait until you know for sure, Riley…for both your sakes."

* * *

"This is ridiculous. I can't be Beatrice. I'm the stage manager, not an actor," Maya whined as she and Riley walked into Riley's bedroom six hours later. "I still don't understand why Darby's understudy can't do it."

"Because her understudy has the flu."

Maya ran a hand through her long blonde locks. How is it possible that she got into this situation? "And Darby…quite literally…broke her leg." She sighed. "I can't believe she fell off the stage."

"At least she doesn't have a concussion." Riley sat down on her bed. "You're the only one not already in the play who knows the stage directions."

Maya flipped through the pages of the play. "I can't learn all of these lines between now and tomorrow." She groaned. "I know why Mrs. Thompson wants me to do it. I have the attitude and yeah…I know the staging of it all, but…come on! Beatrice has a thousand lines!"

"I'll help you," Riley offered. "We just need to focus." Her eyes slowly shifted over toward her desk and the four journals that sat on top of it. "Umm…why don't you get started while I just read…these…"

"No. No, no, no, no," Maya shook her head. "You haven't read those in months. It can wait one more day." She sighed as she continued to thumb through the pages of the play. "Why don't you do it? I know you know all of the lines."

"Did you forget that I already have a part?"

"And only like five lines. I bet I can learn all those…" Maya trailed off as an ingenious idea began to form in her mind. "Riles…"

"Yeah?" Riley knew she had to help Maya, but she couldn't help but to stare at the journals on her desk. They seemed to call out to her like a beacon or something. She felt pulled to them. All she wanted to do was read them. As hard as reading the first one was, as emotional as it was, it felt like they were the missing pieces of the puzzle that was Lucas Friar. She had to know more. She wanted to know more. She had promised Maya that she wouldn't say anything to him about any of it until she had finished reading them, until she was absolutely certain about everything. As the afternoon's rehearsal wore on, she felt more and more tempted to talk to him, to try to fix every misunderstanding they ever had, but she didn't. Whenever they weren't on stage, she made sure to be wherever he wasn't. She had to avoid that temptation. She had to keep her promise to Maya, because she knew that Maya was right.

"Why don't we switch? You can play Beatrice and I'll play Hero?"

Riley tore her eyes away from the journals. "Maya…the play starts tomorrow."

"You already know all of her lines. It makes perfect sense. It'll also give you time to read the other journals…"

Riley folded her arms across her chest as she thought about it. It seemed pretty ridiculous, but she knew that there was no way anyone could memorize all of those lines in one night. Besides, it almost killed her to go four hours without trying to talk to Lucas. She wasn't sure if she could last much longer. "Well…what about Ms. Thompson?"

"Please. She's dying to have you and Lucas play opposite one another. And you're bickering throughout most of the play, so if you read the journals and you decide you don't want to be with him, you can channel that into the role." She clasped her hands together. "Please, Riley? It's four performances. You're the actress, not me."

"Ok," she agreed. "Ok. Let's do it."

"Really," she smiled.

"Yeah. You're right. I know the lines. And Hero doesn't have that many, so you can focus on that." She bit her lip. "Besides, I really want to finish reading the journals."

"I can tell," Maya smirked. "You keep looking at them. Must be a hell of a read. What's in it? Because you refused to touch it for months and now…after that date with Jordan…suddenly you want to devour them."

"Because last night made me realize a lot of things, and I'm hoping that reading the rest of them will finally put an end to everything."


	39. Chapter Thirty Eight

_**A/N: Again, sorry this took a little longer than normal. I hit a snag, thought I was going to have to cut out something I really wanted to keep in, but I was able to work around it. Sorry for the super long length as well. I hope you all enjoy it.**_

* * *

Chapter Thirty Eight

Riley paced in the dressing room. She had been ready for an hour, but couldn't sit still. How could she when all she wanted to do was run to the boys' dressing room and beg Lucas to forgive her for everything—for pushing him away, for not seeing who he really was, for getting confused. She felt like such an idiot. Deep down, she knew that she couldn't control her subconscious, but she should have talked to him sooner. She should have read his journal the night he left it on her fire escape.

Everything seemed so clear now. She had another night of sleep. Nine hours of nothing but beautiful dreams about Lucas and the future she hoped they could still have. Nothing about the fight, nothing about the past, save for their precious time together in Texas.

God, they had already wasted so much time being caught up in so many misunderstandings and the past that had them both in a chokehold. She didn't want to wait another second. Play or not, it didn't matter. She wanted him to know how much she wanted to be with him.

She stopped mid-step before she suddenly spun toward Maya. "Does he even know?"

A wicked grinned spread across the blonde's features. "He will soon."

Riley took a deep breath as she rested her hand over her heart. "My heart is racing." What if she was too late? What if he decided to move on after she went on the date with Jordan?

"You're going to wear a hole in the ground," Maya noted. "I'm the one who should be nervous. You're used to all of this stuff."

"He doesn't know we switched roles." She put her hands on her hips as she tried to control her breathing. She was scared—not of him, but how he was going to react to the switch. "I'm going to be Beatrice and he doesn't even know." She took another five steps before she spun around to face Maya again. "I'm sure. Maya, I'm a thousand percent sure. I've never been more sure about anything in my life." She made a beeline for the door. "If I could just talk to him for ten minutes—"

"No," Maya said as she rushed toward the door to close it. "We have five minutes until the curtain goes up. The play is two hours. Two hours, Riles. I know you're ready to talk to him, to get everything out in the open." She watched Riley fidget with her hands as she stared at the closed door. "I've never seen you like this before."

"I've never felt like this," she confessed as she tore her eyes away from the door to look at her best friend. "The last two years have been awful…terrible…but I think about the future and…I see him. I see us together…happy…and it all makes perfect sense. The fight…the thing with my dad…the lodge…wouldn't most people see that as a sign that things weren't meant to be?"

Maya thought about it for a moment before she slowly nodded. "Normal people would, yes."

"We've both pulled back. We've both doubted, but never at the same time. One of us always had hope, always carried the other through." She folded her hands together. She knew she couldn't talk to him right now. Maya was right. She needed to wait. He had waited for months. The least she could do was wait two hours, right?

"Man, you sound like Shakespeare."

"I hurt him. I knew it at the time, but he knew that I had to see how I felt about Jordan. He let me go…he thought Jordan would make me happier than he was ever able to." At the time, Riley was so focused on trying to figure out her feelings for her Jordan that she couldn't see what Lucas was doing. He let her go in order for her to find her happiness. It was so selfless. It was so…Lucas.

Maya nodded. "Yeah."

"He's different, Maya. The old Lucas…even the one I dated…wouldn't have done that. He…put me first."

"Yeah. Sounds a lot like love to me."

Riley nodded. "I love him for it. I love him for having hope in us when I didn't. I love him for fighting to be who he wanted to be, and not because of me, but because that's what he wanted. I love him for letting me figure try to figure out everything for myself. I love him for stepping back when he knew that was what I needed." Two hours. As the words left her mouth, Riley wasn't sure she could wait two minutes, let alone two hours.

"That's a lot of love."

"That's just the beginning, Maya. I want to tell him. I need to tell him. Every reason why I love him…why we're meant to be together. I want him to know that he's the only one I've ever…will ever…I know this is it for me, Maya. There is no one else for me."

Maya hugged the brunette. "You'll get a chance to tell him. I promise."

* * *

As the cast waited in the wings, Riley couldn't help herself. She wanted to talk to him. She needed to talk to him. There was nothing wrong with a simple greeting, right? "Hi," she whispered to him as she stepped up beside him.

Lucas was surprised. He knew she had been avoiding him since she went out with Jordan. He had no idea how it went or if she and Jordan were now together. It had only been two days, but it felt like an eternity. He tried to ask Maya about it. Maya only told him that she had to figure a few things out. He figured that was Maya's polite way of letting him down. What else would explain Riley's blatant avoidance of him? As he looked at her, he couldn't help but think how beautiful she looked. Of course, she could wear a potato sack and he'd still find her breathtaking. "Hey," he whispered back.

"Hi," she smiled as his eyes met hers.

Lucas felt himself falling, as he did every time their eyes connected. God, would he ever not feel completely vulnerable when she looked at him? She had this way of always seeing right through him. It used to unnerve him to no end, but now he wondered if that feeling was always in his mind. If she could really see him, wouldn't she know how much he had changed and how he wasn't the monster her subconscious thought he was?

"Hey," Maya whispered as she walked up beside Riley.

"Hey," Lucas answered. A small smile formed at the corner of his mouth. "You ready for this, Maya?" He wasn't sure how well any of this was going to go. He was playing opposite of the blonde who never had an interest in acting and only had one night to learn her lines. Good thing _'Much Ado About Nothing'_ was a comedy. Lucas was fairly certain that, at the very least, it was going to be an entertaining evening.

Maya grinned. "You have no idea." She couldn't wait to see his reaction to the switch. Of course, most of the cast and crew already knew, but not Lucas. Oh, no. Maya didn't want to give him a chance to back out of playing opposite of Riley again.

Farkle walked up beside Maya. "You're going to be great."

She turned to him. "Thanks Farkle. You too."

They all fell silent as the curtain slowly rose. Lucas watched as Maya, Riley, Farkle, and Yogi walked on the stage. He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding as he watched the play begin. He felt ready. Four performances and then he would be able to do what he promised himself he would do: he would further distance himself from her. Of course, he thought the transition wouldn't be too bad. The only time they interacted at all was at play practice and now, all of that was about to come to an end. He barely had any scenes with her. Farkle had been wrong. Switching roles wasn't a bad idea at all. She seemed more comfortable with Jordan and it would be easier for him to pull away from her once it was over.

When he heard Riley speak her first line, his head shot up. He knew that Maya was supposed to have a line before Riley did. He narrowed his eyes as he watched the scene unfold in front of him. When he heard Maya say, "My cousin means Signior Benedick of Padua", he thought his legs would give out from under him. Maya was Hero now? That meant that Riley was Beatrice, which also meant that Riley was now playing opposite of him. That meant several scenes together. That meant a kiss at the end of the play. Four performances meant four kisses. Four kisses meant that it wouldn't be as easy of a transition as he thought it would be.

He swallowed harshly. He had to pull himself together before he stepped foot on that stage. He noticed that Riley wasn't looking at Yogi as she spoke. She stared at him instead. Her dark eyes seemed to sparkle under the stage lights. His heart ached.

As the reality of the situation sunk in further, his surprise melted into frustration. He was furious that no one told him that the girls had switched roles. As he watched her glide across the stage, he couldn't help but to feel something else that he hadn't felt for a very long time: a spark of hope.

* * *

Lucas only had mere moments to adjust himself to the idea that he was now going to play opposite of Riley. He felt his brain shift to autopilot as a million different scenarios ran through his mind. Why did she do it? Was it because Maya had a million lines to learn in one night or was it something else?

He knew that a renewed sense of hope was beginning to spread through his veins as he watched her float through the scene. As he stepped onto the stage, he knew that he had to protect his fragile heart, even if that meant keeping her at arm's length.

As he began to recite his lines, his eyes immediately fell to hers. Her eyes seemed to dance as she looked back at him. There were nine people on the stage, but in that moment, as they began their banter with one another, it felt like they were the only two in existence.

 **BENEDICK**

If Signior Leonato be her father, she would not  
have his head on her shoulders for all Messina, as  
like him as she is.

' _Good job, Friar. One line down. Only about a thousand to go. God, she looks so beautiful.'_ As she inched closer to him, he pulled himself back to reality. _'But she's not yours. She's not yours,'_ he repeated to himself.

 **BEATRICE**

I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior  
Benedick: nobody marks you.

Though Riley knew she was supposed to play the scene as being completely indifferent to him, she couldn't stop staring at Lucas. She couldn't stop smiling either. This wasn't at all what Shakespeare intended, but she didn't care. Maybe Shakespeare would find some sort of humor in it? His play brought them together once, maybe it could happen again? Maybe everything around them would fade to black and they could melt into one another again?

 **BENEDICK**

What, my dear Lady Disdain! Are you yet living?

Lucas swallowed as she looked up at him from underneath her eyelashes. How many nights had he wished for her to look at him like that again? Acting or not, he would have sworn not twenty minutes ago that she would never look at him like that again. All he wanted to do was to take her in his arms and leave everything behind them.

 **BEATRICE**

Is it possible disdain should die while she hath  
such meet food to feed it as Signior Benedick?  
Courtesy itself must convert to disdain, if you come  
in her presence.

Riley held her hands behind her back in order to keep herself from reaching for him. Somewhere deep in the back of her mind, she knew that this was all wrong, but she could care less. None of it mattered. The months of preparation, her final grade, what the audience thought…she didn't care about any of it. The only thing that mattered was him—them—if there could be such a thing again.

 **BENEDICK**

Then is courtesy a turncoat. But it is certain I  
am loved of all ladies, only you excepted: and I  
would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard  
heart; for, truly, I love none.

He swallowed as the corner of her mouth turned up into a smirk. Had he completely lost his mind or was she flirting with him right now?

 **BEATRICE**

A dear happiness to women: they would else have  
been troubled with a pernicious suitor. I thank God  
and my cold blood, I am of your humour for that.

Riley took a deep breath as she bit the bottom of her lip. She couldn't control her emotions anymore. He had to know. She had to tell him. "I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than ever swear that I don't love you." She felt the moisture pool in her eyes as she heard a faint gasp from a few members of the audience. She didn't care about them. Her focus was solely on Lucas.

Lucas paused as her words echoed through his mind. What did she just say? Had he misheard her? Did she mess up the line on purpose or was it an accident? He took a deep breath. Everyone was entitled to slip up on their dialogue, especially on the first night of the play and especially when it was with dialogue they hadn't rehearsed before, but this was Riley. She loved Shakespeare. Lucas knew that she knew every single line of the play. So, if it wasn't a botched line, then what was going on?

* * *

They had to touch. More than that. They had to dance together. Riley couldn't wipe the smile from her face as she watched Lucas walk toward her. A jolt of electricity shot through her as he took her hand before he spun her around and began to dance with her as the other characters recited their lines. She wanted to tell him everything then and there, but knew that two minutes wouldn't be nearly long enough for her to explain everything she had learned in the last two days.

As he spun her toward the center of the stage, Lucas wondered what was on her mind. She seemed to be a million miles away. Was she thinking about Jordan? Was she wishing that she could dance with him instead? Was she only doing this to help Maya out?

 **BEATRICE**

Will you not tell me who told you so?

 **BENEDICK**

No, you shall pardon me.

 **BEATRICE**

Nor will you not tell me who you are?

Lucas looked down at their joined hands. He lightly brushed his thumb across her knuckles. Could the entire play just stop and let them have one last moment together? Lucas needed it. He needed that moment. One last pure moment with her, even if it wasn't real. Even if it all was an act. Even if she was no longer his.

 **BENEDICK**

Not now.

His voice was soft. Riley was fairly certain that only the first few rows even heard him. Her heart ached for him. How much longer until it was over? How much longer until intermission? She had to tell him. She promised Maya she would wait, but she couldn't. Not anymore.

 **BEATRICE**

That I was disdainful, and that I had my good wit  
out of the 'Hundred Merry Tales:'-well this was  
Signior Benedick that said so.

Lucas lifted his eyes to look at her once more. He knew that whenever this spellbinding moment ended, his brain would scold his heart for allowing himself to believe-however minimally-that this was something more than two people fumbling through what would normally be considered a Shakespearean comedy. He knew he was suddenly portraying Benedick as a lovesick fool, but he couldn't help it. He wasn't that good of an actor. He couldn't be flippant with her. Not now. Not ever.

 **BENEDICK**

What's he?

Riley's bottom lip trembled as the vulnerability of his words reached her. That was the right line, but Riley would have bet everything she had that he asked her as himself, not as Benedick. "The love of my life," she answered as she held his gaze. She knew he had heard her that time when he furrowed his eyebrows in complete confusion. She gave him a tender smile. "I am sure you know him well enough."

Lucas looked out at the audience. He couldn't have hallucinated that, could he? The love of her life? He slowly turned his head back toward her. What was she doing? Was this all some sort of payback for everything he did to her?

 **BENEDICK**

Not I, believe me.

 **BEATRICE**

Did he never make you laugh?

 **BENEDICK**

I pray you, what is he?

Riley watched as Lucas tried to pull himself back to the play, back to his lines. She wasn't about to let it drop that easily. She knew she wasn't being fair to him right now, but she couldn't help it. She was about to explode. Being this close to him, and being unable to tell him how wrong she had been about everything was killing her. "Why…he's…he's everything you could ever hope to find in a partner. He's smart, funny, handsome…" she waited until he looked down at her before she continued, "But above all else, he's kind…patient."

Lucas looked out at the audience. He noticed that a lot of people had moved up to the edge of their seat, curious as to where the scene was headed since Riley had completely changed her dialogue. Lucas had no idea what to say to her. Did she expect him to answer her or to simply continue with his lines? Still stunned, he decided to stick with the play. He wasn't about to get into this with her with a few hundred people looking on.

 **BENEDICK**

When I know the gentleman, I'll tell him what you say.

 **BEATRICE**

Do, do: he'll but break a comparison or two on me;

She chewed on her bottom lip as she paused. "And if it's negative, I'm sure I deserve every single word of it. You see, I hurt him pretty badly and all I want is the chance to apologize, to tell him how I really feel."

As the music that had been softly playing in the background began rise, Riley glanced at the couples that surrounded them.

 _ **BEATRICE**_

We must follow the leaders.

Lucas pulled her closer to him as they followed the other couples on the stage.

 **BENEDICK**

In every good thing.

 **BEATRICE**

Nay, if they lead to any ill, I will leave them at  
the next turning.

* * *

Riley knew that he was confused. She tried to talk to him backstage, but he avoided her. Whenever she would get close to him, he would turn around and walk in the opposite direction. She needed to talk to him and explain why she was acting the way she was. He needed to know, but how could she tell him when he ignored her?

She waited in the wings as he delivered his monologue at the end of the second act. As she watched him, as Benedick, consider the pros of falling in love and the possibility of marriage; she realized that she had to push through. She wasn't going to stop until he listened to her. It was her turn to fight for them, and she was more than prepared to do it.

She took a deep breath as she entered the stage. Their scene was brief, but it was one of the few they had alone throughout the course of the entire play.

 **BEATRICE**

Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner.

Lucas smirked at her. While Riley could feel the butterflies in her stomach slam against her ribcage, she reminded herself that he was merely acting.

 **BENEDICK**

Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains.

 **BEATRICE**

I took no more pains for those thanks than you take  
pains to thank me: if it had been painful, I would  
not have come.

Lucas exhaled. Maybe everything else was a fluke. She seemed to be sticking to the material now. Maybe it was all some sort of confusion before. That had to be it. She wouldn't purposefully sabotage the play, would she?

 **BENEDICK**

You take pleasure then in the message?

Riley opened her mouth to deliver her line, but instead, she responded the way her heart begged for her too. "Yeah," she swallowed, "But not nearly as much pleasure as in my own message."

Lucas froze. Her own message? That wasn't the line. He looked out across the audience for a moment before he turned back to her. "W-What message is that, Beatrice?"

She took a step closer to him. "That I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that it took me so long to wake up and realize everything that you did for me…for us." She glanced around them. "You gave up so much for me." She looked back at him. "I'm sorry…for everything I put you through. I finally saw what was right in front of me the whole time. I know who you are, and I'm so sorry I ever doubted us."

Farkle and Maya watched the scene unfold from the wings. She walked over to Ms. Thompson who stood a few feet away from her.

"Close the curtain," Ms. Thompson instructed into her headset. She turned to Maya. "What happened?"

"Riley woke up," Maya answered as the curtain fell in front of the couple on the stage.

They stared at one another for a few seconds before he finally looked away. Lucas said nothing to Riley as he rubbed the back of his neck. He thought his brain was about to implode. What was she doing?

"Say something," she begged as she watched a frown form on his features. "Please."

It took him a few seconds to comprehend that she had said anything else. He slowly lifted his eyes to look at her as he rested his hand on the back of his neck. "I can't do this right now. Just…stick to the script, Riley." He dropped his hands as he walked by her. He didn't know what to think. The only thing he knew was that he couldn't do this right now. They were in the middle of a play. He needed to get back to the boys' dressing room so he could compose himself. It felt like his mind had been pulled in fifty different directions. Why was she doing this? Why now?

Riley watched helplessly as he walked away from her. Logically, she should have let him go. She knew that she should drop the whole subject at least until the performance was over with, but she couldn't help it. She had to tell him. Now. "Lucas, I love you!"

Lucas stopped midstride as he spun back around to face her. Everyone around them stopped what they were doing as they stared at the brunette. Riley didn't notice any of them. Her full attention was on the guy who stood in front of her in complete disbelief.

"Aww," at least 90% of the audience cooed from behind the red velvet curtain.

"Well, we know the audience heard that one," Farkle mumbled to a stunned Maya. "What is she doing?"

A small smile formed on the blonde's face. "She's fighting for him."

Lucas looked at the closed curtain for a moment before he stalked back to her. "No. You can't do this right now. You're only saying it because of the play…because of the characters." That's all this was. She was getting swept away by the emotions of the play, yet again. He didn't want to hear those words from her like this—not when it would be so easy for her to take them back later. It felt just like when she said it in Pappy Joe's truck when she was drunk in Texas last year.

"I'm not," she answered as she searched his eyes for any sign that she wasn't too late. He was angry and she knew he had every right to be. There was so much time to fix it, to push herself to read those journals and realize exactly what he had been through with this whole mess too. She hated that it took her so long to see what all he sacrificed for her. "And why not right now? When you love someone, you can't get the words out fast enough. Trust me, I know. I tried to wait because I knew you'd react like this, but I couldn't. I needed you to know that everything…everything has changed. I've changed."

Lucas stared at her for a long moment before he looked around at all of the expectant faces who had watched their exchange. "Follow me," he instructed as he turned to leave.

"It's only intermission," Maya called out from behind them. "You only have fifteen minutes."

"We'll be back in fourteen," Lucas called over his shoulder as he left the stage.

Riley trailed closely behind him. "Where are we going?"

"Somewhere that we won't have a captive audience," he answered as he reached the costume closet. He opened the door for her.

Riley swallowed as she walked into the darkened room. She turned the light on as Lucas closed the door behind him.

He placed his hands on his hips as his gaze pierced right through her. "You think that's fair," he began as his voice wavered slightly. "You think it's fair to me that you switch parts with Maya right before the curtain comes up…that you ad lib your lines…that you give me hope for the first time in five months…when there is nothing I can say or do in return?"

"Lucas, I'm sorry. I just needed you to know that—"

This wasn't the way they should go about trying to figure everything out, but as he inched closer to her, as she pleaded with him to listen to her, he couldn't help it. Months of trying to hold back, months of trying to give her space to figure everything out collided into this moment and even though he knew they had so much to discuss, all he wanted at that moment was to know that this was real, and not just another broken dream.

He cupped her cheek in his hand as he brought her face to his. He slid his left arm around her waist as he pulled her close to him. He needed to feel this moment in order to know it was real. As his lips sought hers, he felt the tears slide down her cheeks. He tried to pull back from her to see if she was ok, if his grip on her waist was somehow hurting her, but she wouldn't let him. She wrapped her arms around his neck in order to keep his lips on hers. She needed this just as badly as he did.

Her head spun as the whole world seemed to shift back on its axis. As he lifted her to sit on the counter, their lips never broke contact. Was this real? Were they really making out in the costume closet during the intermission of the school play? Riley's eyes flew open. The play. "Lucas," she breathed as she pulled back from him. "The play."

He glanced at the clock on the wall. "We still have ten minutes," he rumbled before his lips crashed against hers once more.

God, she missed this. She missed the way he made her feel every time their lips connected. They hadn't been together like this since the night they shared in Texas. Even their reunion on the roof wasn't this impassioned. Every thing else seemed to melt away. It wasn't like Jordan at all. Everything wasn't muted. Everything felt more vibrant, more alive, more real.

She pulled back from him once more. "We need to talk." There was so much to say, so much to clear up. She needed him to know everything that was running through her mind. He needed to know that she was the one who didn't deserve him, that she would never let her past dictate her future again.

"Later," he answered as his hands slid down the length of her arms in order to reach her hands. He interlaced his fingers with hers as he lowered his head to kiss a trail along her neck.

"If you keep doing that, we won't be able to make it back to the stage in time." Her eyes rolled in the back of her head as she arched her back. "God…Lucas…that feels…" she trailed off as her brain imploded in a burst of fireworks.

He smiled against her neck when he heard a soft moan escape her lips. It had been so long since he heard that sound. For a long time, he wasn't sure if he'd ever hear it again. As Riley leaned her head back in order to further expose her neck to him, Lucas spotted the necklace that hung around her neck. He hadn't noticed it before because of high collar costume she wore. He slipped his finger under the chain as he gently tugged the necklace out from her costume. As his fingers found the pendant, he detached his lips from her neck. He took a step back from her as his eyes slowly fell to the small circular pendant in his hand.

It was as if a bucket of ice water had suddenly been dumped on him. Her birthday. The fight. Pappy Joe's hill. Romeo and Juliet. Everything seemed to rush at him all at once.

He stared at the locket for a long moment before he let go of it. He took a few steps back as his eyes slowly rose to meet Riley's. "You're wearing the locket."

Riley's chest heaved as she tried to recover from the intensity of the moment. "Yes," she replied breathily. She watched as a range of emotions flickered through his gaze as he stared at her. What was he thinking? Was he mad that she wore it? "Lucas, I-I wanted to wear it tonight. I felt like it would give me the courage to—"

"To what," he interrupted. "To get swept up in the play?"

Riley's brows furrowed. "No," she slowly answered. What was going on? What had happened in the last thirty seconds to upset him?

"That's what this is, isn't it," he looked around them. "Some things never change, right?" Here he was, in the costume closet with her, acting just as he had a year and a half ago—desperate for any part of her. Only this time, he knew that wasn't who he was anymore.

She shook her head. He wasn't making any sense. She told him that she loved him, that she was sorry for everything that happened. She knew it would take more than an apology to fix everything, but weren't they just on the path to figuring it all out again? Why did he seem so upset with her again? "Lucas, I don't understand."

"Do you remember _'Romeo and Juliet'_?"

"How could I forget," she said softly. "It was what brought us together."

"Riley, you couldn't stand me before we ended up in that play together."

"That's not true…and I didn't really know you before the play."

He looked around them once more. "And you think you do now?" It wasn't possible. He didn't even know who he was anymore. How could she know? She hadn't been a real part of his world in so long. She wasn't there when he went through everything in Texas, when he beat himself up about everything that happened with Farkle, when he bought the plane ticket to fly to Texas and never come back. She wasn't there when he wandered around Boston after seeing her kiss Jordan. She wasn't there when he drove upstate to talk to Charlie Gardner. So, how could she possibly know who he was?

She jumped down from the counter as she took a few steps closer to him. "Lucas, I read the journals." She waited a beat as she let those five words sink in before she added, "All of them. I know what you did. I know how you felt when you did it. I know what you haven't told me yet. I know why you did what you did. So, yes…I know you."

She knew it all. She knew everything he did. She knew about the things no one else did. It threw him for a moment. He thought for sure that she would never read any of his journals, let alone all of them. He shook his head. That didn't matter right now. What did matter was the reason why she did all of this now. "This is all because of the play. You had time…months…to read them…and the moment that Darby breaks her leg, and you realized that you had to bail Maya out—"

"I read the first one before Darby broke her leg," she corrected. Did he really think that everything she told him was because of the school play? Did he really think that little of her after everything they had been through?

"Was this before or after you went out with Jordan?" He knew that question would sting, but he had to know. He needed to know why she suddenly seemed to forget everything that happened between them in the last year. He needed to know why she couldn't wait until the play was over to figure this all out. Why was she so determined to give him all of this hope now?

She crossed her arms. Was he actually throwing Jordan in her face after everything he told her? "That's not fair. You told me to, Lucas. You told me I had to figure it out…that you wouldn't be with me unless I did it."

"Yeah, I did." His eyes fell to the ground. "But you did it. You had to go through with it because you weren't sure how you felt about him…or me anymore." He swallowed as he forced himself to ask about the only thing that had been on his mind for the last two days. "And…how was that by the way? You two are dating now, right? The date must have gone well, right? You two seem as friendly as ever."

She took another step closer to him. "Lucas, that's what I wanted to—"

He took a step back from her as he raised a hand to stop her midsentence. "Don't worry about it. I get it Riley. It took me two years, but I finally get it." He knew he could possibly be slamming the door shut on any chance of being with her again, but he had to tell her something that he knew he hadn't written in his journals. He had to tell her about something that had been in the back of his mind ever since they portrayed Romeo and Juliet.

"Get what?"

"It's all an act. You want to bring an authenticity to your roles…maybe it's some form of extreme method acting…I don't know. It started with _'Romeo and Juliet'_. You never saw me as anything but a beast until we kissed on that stage that first night. And don't forget about _'Our Town'_. George and Emily. We were nowhere near getting back together until that play began. And now look at us…barely halfway through the first performance and we're back to making out in a costume closet." He looked at the corner of the closet. He couldn't look at her right now. The reality of the situation was already hard enough to bear. "I can't do this anymore. This isn't who I am anymore. I'm not that guy. I'm not the guy who is content enough to get any piece of you that you're willing to give me." He forced himself to look at her. "I want all of you. I don't…I don't want you to doubt how you feel about me. _I_ don't want to doubt how you feel about me…and that's how I feel at this moment. I feel like maybe you're so good at what you do that you're blurring the line between fantasy and reality…that maybe I'm not who you really want…that maybe you really want a Romeo." He took a deep breath. "I'm not him, Riley. I want you to want to be with me because you love me…not because of who I'm pretending to be out on that stage."

She was completely stunned. After everything they went through, part of him thought that she wanted to be with him because of a few stupid high school plays? Had she screwed everything up so badly between them that he truly believed that? "Lucas, I do. I love you. Not because of Romeo or George or Benedick."

The shocked look on her face was almost enough to make him cave in, but he knew he couldn't. Maybe he was crazy for challenging her because he had dreamt of this moment for so long, but in all of those dreams, he knew exactly why she wanted to be with him. As he looked into her eyes now, he wasn't sure why she wanted to be with him. The timing of everything and her desire to rush it was making his head spin. "What about the nightmares, Riley? You see me as you see Charlie now. You said it yourself that you weren't sure if you'd ever be able to get rid of the dreams."

"That's just it. I—"

A frantic knock interrupted her. "Guys, we have a minute until curtain!"

Lucas turned his back to Riley as he opened the door. "Nice trick, Maya," he mumbled at the blonde before he stalked back to the stage. He needed to think. This could very well be the moment that he would regret for the rest of his life, but right now, he knew that he had to be sure. He couldn't risk losing his heart again. He couldn't risk losing himself again. He loved her more than he had ever thought possible—walking away from her now was proof of that. If he were the same guy he was a year ago, even six months ago, they wouldn't have said much of anything in that closet. He would have grasped for any piece of her that she was willing to give him. A piece had always seemed to be enough for him, but not anymore. He needed to have all of her and he needed to know that she wanted to be with him for the right reasons.

Maya watched him retreat before she turned to Riley. "What happened?"

Riley reached up to clasp the locket in her hand. "It's time for me to prove to him that I love him for who he is, not who he pretends to be."


	40. Chapter Thirty Nine

Chapter Thirty-Nine

' _I had to go see him. I didn't want to. I knew that looking at him would bring up everything I was trying to get past, but I had to. She still won't tell me what the problem is, why she had to see him. So, I went to confront him. It was probably the biggest test of my own recovery, and I should have thought about all of the rage that would have gotten stirred up by seeing him again, but if he knows something about her that I don't, I need to know._

 _The night he attacked her…the night he almost…I'm not sure how I didn't kill him. Even as I'm writing this entry, I don't really understand why I didn't beat him within an inch of his life. I wanted to. I wanted him to feel the fear she must have felt, the pain that she must have endured because of his obsessive need to control her. After that night, all I wanted was to make sure that he never had the chance to ever look at her again, let alone talk to her._

 _When I found out she saw him, that she willingly traveled Upstate to see him, I felt all of that anger charge back at me. The rage that I was trying so hard to defeat rushed at me faster than anything I've ever felt in my life. It scared me. The fact that it happened while I was alone with her scared me even more. I still wasn't sure what I was capable of._

 _So, why risk four months of progress and face the monster who nearly destroyed her?_

 _Because now, I was the one who needed answers._

 _As soon as the door opened and I saw him, I thought of ten different ways I could easily kill him. And that terrified me. Maybe I wasn't as strong as I thought I was._

 _He was very surprised to see me. I'm not sure if he expected Riley or his parents, but I took some comfort in seeing that look of fear flash across his eyes._

 _I know he thought I was there to kill him, and if I'm being perfectly honest, I wasn't sure he would make it out of our conversation alive either._

 _Four months of therapy couldn't have prepared me for the fact that I was actually sitting in front of the one person in the world I wanted to hurt the most._

 _It's weird. I never thought I could have so much anger, so much hatred, for anyone in my life like I had for my father, but I'd rather go through all of that psychological and physical torment again if it meant that Charlie Gardner had never laid so much as a fingernail on Riley._

 _I'm not sure how much time we spent actually talking versus sitting in silence as I contemplated more creative ways to end his miserable life._

 _He wouldn't tell me why Riley came to see him. When he asked me how she was, I nearly flew over the table to strangle him, but I didn't._

 _I wanted to, but I didn't. How dare he ask how she was! How dare he presume that he had the right to speak her name after what he did to her—after what he tried to do to her._

 _As I sit here, the only reason I can come up with as to why I didn't snap his neck at that very moment is the fact that I know I'm not like him. I'm not a Charlie Gardner. I'm not my father. If I hit him, if I inflicted on him all the pain he deserved, I would be no better than he was._

 _God, I have changed. I'm not sure when it happened—if it was all at once or if it was gradual, but I'm not the same person I was when I first showed up in New York. I'm not even the same person I was four months ago._

 _I may not have gotten the answers I sought from my conversation with Charlie, but it wasn't a wasted trip. I realized that I need to let it go. All this time, my focus was on her, on helping her try to get past what had happened, but I never thought about what that night did to me. I thought that I failed her by not protecting her, by not seeing what had been going on, and I don't think I ever forgave myself for it._

 _Even now as I finish this journal…I know that I haven't fully forgiven myself for what happened, but I feel like I need to. I need to forgive myself for a lot of things._

 _Maybe that's the final step? Maybe that's why she went to see him too? Maybe that's what we both need to do in order to finally move on from the last two years.'_

Riley jogged beside Maya as they tried to reach the stage. She knew she needed to prove herself to him, but she had no idea how. Clearly flubbing her lines was only making him more frustrated, but what else could she possibly do right now to change his mind? He really thought that she only loved him because they acted in a few plays together?

She still couldn't believe that he went to see Charlie. As awful as that trip was for her, she knew that it must have been one of the biggest tests for Lucas. It was the last entry he made in the final journal and it was the one entry that shocked her the most. When did he go? Did anyone else know about it?

He blamed himself for what happened with Charlie. Riley knew that Lucas felt a little guilty about it at the time, but she thought that he had moved past all of that. She thought that she had convinced him that none of it was his fault.

Every entry in those four journals reveled a little more about Lucas Friar to her, but that last entry was all she could think about. He was right. She hadn't thought about it until she read that final entry, but she realized that she hadn't forgiven herself for what happened either. She sought answers from everyone and did everything she thought she needed to in order to move on, but she never understood that underneath it all, she still believed that what happened that night at the ski lodge was her fault. When she read his last sentence, she realized that she also blamed herself for what happened that night on the roof.

It was so easy to place all of the blame on Farkle. He was the one who was looking for a fight, but she should have stepped in. She should have tried to break it up, separate them before it got physical. She should have gotten help. Instead, her whole body went into shock as her brain propelled her back to that night in the lodge with Charlie.

Five months later, she still hadn't forgiven herself for that. She hadn't forgiven herself for merging the two events into one that somehow made Lucas the monster in all of it. In her quest to rid her mind of that ridiculous connection, she ended up dwelling on it, creating this vicious cycle in her subconscious that resulted in a barrage of nightmares starring the one person who had always protected her.

She knew she didn't deserve a second chance with him, but she needed to tell him how she felt, how his words shed an unbelievable light on her own journey of letting go and moving on.

Her mind ran on autopilot throughout her first scene of the third act. How could she possibly focus on the play after that conversation with him in the costume closet? Her eyes slowly drifted to the wings where he stood. He wasn't watching the performance. His hands were on his hips as he stared at the ground by his feet. She could tell that she wasn't the only one who couldn't focus on the play.

 **HERO**

If it proves so, then loving goes by haps:  
Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.

Riley shook her head as she tried to focus on the scene around her. As she stepped forward to deliver her small monologue, Hero's words ricocheted through her mind. Traps? That wasn't the right way to do this. Pressuring him in front of everyone, despite her best intentions, wasn't how she wanted to fix things with him. He deserved better than that.

 **BEATRICE**

[Coming forward]  
What fire is in mine ears? Can this be true?  
Stand I condemn'd for pride and scorn so much?  
Contempt, farewell! and maiden pride, adieu!  
No glory lives behind the back of such.

Riley turned her back to the audience as she took a few steps upstage. As she turned to face the audience one more, her eyes ticked back to the wings where Lucas waited to enter.

And, Benedick, love on; I will requite thee,  
Taming my wild heart to thy loving hand:  
If thou dost love, my kindness shall incite thee  
To bind our loves up in a holy band;  
For others say thou dost deserve, and I  
Believe it better than reportingly.

As she exited the stage, an idea began to form in her mind. She had two scenes until her next appearance. She sprinted toward the girls' dressing room. She was down, but not out. If he could bring her so much insight with his words, maybe she could do the same with him.

* * *

Lucas was surprised that Riley had stuck to her lines. Every single one she delivered in the second half of the play was flawless. She did pause for a few moments after his _'I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest.'_ He could tell that she wanted to say something, but to his surprise, she didn't. Maybe she was giving him what he needed. He knew that they had to talk again, but as the play wore on, he felt more prepared for it.

Maybe it was unfair of him to accuse her of only wanting to be with him because of the plays they were in together, but he couldn't help it. It was something that always nagged at him, and something that Charlie mentioned when he saw him a few weeks earlier. Lucas thought he had buried that idea a year ago, but it was like he knew every insecurity Lucas had with Riley and always managed to exploit it. It was so weird. Charlie knew that Riley was having nightmares about him, but he never said a word to Lucas about it. It was one reason Lucas had temporarily dismissed that entire theory. If that had been the case, wouldn't Charlie happily grin as he revealed that Riley saw them both as the same monster?

Lucas knew he couldn't dwell on that. He'd drive himself crazy if he tried to put himself into Charlie Gardner's sick mind. He needed to focus on the present situation. There were still so many things he was unsure about when it came to Riley—like her date with Jordan.

He told her to go out with Jordan, but he couldn't get over the fact that she actually did it. Jessica had tempted him in Texas, but he was completely drunk at the time and despite his inebriated state, he turned her down as soon as he understood what she was actually trying to say. If Riley really wanted to make things better between them, then how was it possible for her to develop feelings for someone else?

His brain spun as he continued to ponder everything they talked about in those few brief moments in the costume closet.

Thankfully, the play was almost over. One last scene. The one where Benedick kisses Beatrice. The one where Lucas kisses Riley.

Riley took a deep breath as the play drew to a close. She had stuck by Shakespeare's words and characterization throughout the second half of the play. She only had a few more lines to go. Unfortunately, they were some of the most true-to-life ones in the entire play.

 **BEATRICE**

Do not you love me?

She knew her voice wavered as she spoke, but she couldn't help it. She had asked herself that same question for the last two hours. Did he still love her? Was she too late? She hated not being able to say anything to him as he clearly thought about their conversation throughout the last few acts of the play.

 **BENEDICK**

Troth, no; no more than reason.

He noticed that her bottom lip quivered as she delivered her line. Immediately, his mind thought about the first part of their conversation, or lack thereof, in the costume closet. His lips still burned with the memory. It was crazy how much of a pull she had over him, and she seemed to be completely unaware of it. He never wanted to hurt her by his indifference, but he was scared that none of it was real. He was scared that it wouldn't last. He was scared that if they got back together, and if they broke up, that he would go back to being the angry guy who pushed everyone else in his world away.

 **BEATRICE**

Why, then my cousin Margaret and Ursula  
Are much deceived; for they did swear you did.

 **BENEDICK**

They swore that you were almost sick for me.

 **BEATRICE**

They swore that you were well-nigh dead for me.

Lucas took a deep breath as he took a step closer to her. He knew that Riley would stick with her lines since he asked her to, but that didn't mean he couldn't ask her what he needed to as he hid behind the cloak of his character.

 **BENEDICK**

'Tis no such matter. Then you do not love me?

She wanted to scream to anyone who would listen that she did love him, that she always loved him, but knew that she couldn't. She didn't want to push him away. She didn't want to put more pressure on him because that wouldn't be fair to him.

 **BEATRICE**

No, truly, but in friendly recompense.

 **LEONATO**

Come, cousin, I am sure you love the gentleman.

 **CLAUDIO**

And I'll be sworn upon't that he loves her;  
For here's a paper written in his hand,  
A halting sonnet of his own pure brain,  
Fashion'd to Beatrice.

Jordan gave Riley a friendly smile as he handed the paper to her. He wasn't sure what happened during intermission, but he could have guessed by the depressed looks on both Lucas and Riley's faces that things weren't completely perfect between them. He wasn't quite sure what was going on in Lucas's head. Wasn't that what he wanted the whole time? To be with her again? To have her move on from what happened?

As Riley pretended to pour over the blank piece of paper, her heart began to pound. She knew that Lucas was about to see that she had written him an actual letter instead of simply handing him a blank piece of paper. It was the only thing she could think of. His words had affected her so much, and he needed to know that.

 **HERO**

And here's another  
Writ in my cousin's hand, stolen from her pocket,  
Containing her affection unto Benedick.

As Maya handed Lucas the letter, she winked at him. Lucas furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he unfolded the paper. He only scanned over the first few lines, enough to know that Riley had actually written something to him. He quickly slid the paper in pocket as he turned to face her.

 **BENEDICK**

A miracle! here's our own hands against our hearts.  
Come, I will have thee; but, by this light, I take  
thee for pity.

 **BEATRICE**

I would not deny you; but, by this good day, I yield  
upon great persuasion; and partly to save your life,  
for I was told you were in a consumption.

 **BENEDICK**

Peace! I will stop your mouth.

Riley held her breath as Lucas closed the space between them. Here it was. Benedick and Beatrice's kiss. Her eyes fluttered close as Lucas leaned down. She expected a brief peck, just as how he had rehearsed it with Darby, but was surprised when he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her flush against him.

He knew he should have given her a light, chaste kiss. He had no idea what was in that letter, and had no idea how or even if they'd resolve everything, but as soon as his lips brushed against hers, he couldn't help himself. He had gone through the whole play as Benedick. Was he not allowed one brief moment to be himself?

* * *

Thirty minutes after the curtain call and Lucas still sat in the boys' dressing room. He had managed to change his clothes, but had done little else. Riley's note sat folded on the counter in front of him. He hadn't read it yet. He only stared as the other guys slowly filtered out of the room.

"You might feel better about the letter if you actually read it, you know," Farkle commented as he sat down next to him.

Lucas glanced at his friend. "Yeah, but what if I don't Farkle? What if…it makes it worse?"

"Not sure it could get much worse than it already has been." He leaned back in his chair. "I know that we just got over what happened and we never really talked about it, but can I just say something about that night?"

Lucas nodded slowly.

"You know I saw Josh and Maya talking and I lost it because she hadn't spoken to me since I told her that I loved her. I was so mad. I needed some space before I said something to her that I know I'd regret. So, I went to the roof and I saw you two together." He looked at the paper in front of Lucas. "And I thought about everything both of you had gone through up until that point. So much had happened between you two, any one of those things would be enough to break up even the strongest couples, but somehow, you two ended up on that roof…starting to reconcile, to move on from the past because you loved each other so much. Are you aware of the fact that you two never broke up because you thought that the other one didn't care?" He lightly chuckled. "No one ever questioned how you felt about one another…not even me. We all knew that whatever it was between you two, whatever force that drew you two together, that it was real. Even Mr. Matthews saw it."

Lucas slowly turned his head to Farkle. "He did?"

Farkle nodded. "It was what scared him at the end of last year. He saw how much she loved you…and how much you loved her…and it scared him because he didn't want her to get hurt again."

"I wasn't going to…" he sighed. "I wasn't going to hurt her."

"We know that…now." He propped his feet up on the counter in front of them. "Do you know anything about Greek mythology?"

He shrugged. "A little bit. Why?"

"There's this myth that at one point, humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces. These humans were strong…really strong…and the gods felt threatened by it. They thought that the humans would rise up and try to conquer them. The gods considered destroying them all together, but Zeus had a better idea. He decided to split them in half…two arms, two legs, one head, and half a soul. He knew that the humans would be weakened and therefore, would focus their attention on searching for the other half of their soul in order to feel strong again. It is said that when the two halves find one another, an unspoken bond forms between them…a complete understanding of one another, and that they would find no greater joy in the world." He looked up at Lucas. "That's where the term soul mate comes from…the idea that there is this one person out there for you…your other half. I thought…for a while…that Maya was mine. We had known one another forever and I cared about her more than I ever thought I could care about anyone. I thought…that we had this connection that I had only ever read about before…until that night on the roof. I saw you and Riley together and…I knew that you two were…are…soul mates. You had only known each other for a little over a year, but you had found one another, and I was so…jealous…angry. The person I thought was my soul mate was downstairs talking to someone else and you two…who had been together and had broken up and had this seemingly insurmountable history…you two always seemed to find one another again." He looked down. "I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to hurt you guys because seeing you two together and knowing that Maya and I didn't have that…it killed me."

Lucas lightly drummed his fingers on his knee as he looked back at the piece of paper on the counter. "You think Riley and I are soul mates?"

"No," he shook his head. When Lucas looked back at him, Farkle lowered his legs before he stood up. "I know you two are. I know I'm not inside either of your heads…Riley hasn't said much of anything to me in five months, but I know what I saw when I went to the roof that night. People write stories about it…people write songs about it…make movies on the subject…but not a lot of people actually get to experience it. So, don't let your pride or your insecurities or whatever is holding you back from reading that letter stop you from finally being happy. You both deserve it."

As he watched Farkle turn to leave, Lucas sat up in his seat. "Farkle?"

Farkle turned his head back. "Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"I owed you one," he smiled before he turned around and left the dressing room.

Lucas looked back at the note. He tapped his knee for a few more seconds before he finally reached for it. He took a deep breath as he opened it.

' _Lucas,_

 _I know I promised that I wouldn't mess up the play anymore, and I won't, but please talk to me. There is so much I want to say to you, to explain to you, and I don't have much time to get into it right now. I just want you to know that you're wrong. I don't love you because of who you pretend to be on some stage. I love you for everything you are, and honestly, I felt a pull to you from the moment our eyes met. It's hard to explain, and I tried to run from it, but I don't want to run anymore. I'm ready to fight for you, for us. Please meet me after the play. I'll stay however long it takes. Please. Please talk to me._

 _Love,_

 _Riley'_

* * *

As Farkle exited the boys' dressing room, he spotted Riley and Maya by the corner of the stage. At first he thought Riley was staring at him, but as he neared them, he noticed that she was staring at the door to the boys' dressing room. "He'll be out soon," he told her.

Riley tore her eyes away from the door. "He will?"

Farkle nodded. "I know that we haven't talked since...everything happened, but do you think maybe we could…start talking again?"

Riley's eyes fell to the ground. "I want to apologize to you," she began as she rocked back on her heels. "I blamed you…for what happened…everything that happened…and that wasn't fair." She bit the inside of her cheek as she finally looked up at one of her oldest friends. "I felt like I needed to blame someone for what happened…for taking him away again…and while you may have started the fight…I should have forgiven you a long time before now. I was mad that I had these nightmares now, that I couldn't think, couldn't breathe without seeing the fight replay in my mind. I thought it was your fault, but I know now that…it was my fault."

"Riley, it's not your fault."

She nodded as her eyes fell to the floor once more. "I realized that I haven't forgiven myself for everything…and that maybe that was the reason my mind held onto what happened, wouldn't let me see past it."

"And now?"

She sighed. "And now…I know that forgiving myself is the last step. I've forgiven my dad…you…even Charlie. I need to forgive myself."

"You forgive me?"

She nodded. "You're one of my best friends, Farkle. I miss you."

He smiled as he pulled her into a hug. "I miss you too, Riley."

"We have so much to catch up on," she chuckled despite the tears that formed in her eyes.

"We do, but," he turned toward the dressing room door. "We've waited five months. What's one more day?"

Riley glanced at the door. "Are you sure he's coming?"

Farkle nodded. "Absolutely."

* * *

"Are you going to make her wait all night," Jordan asked as he walked around the dressing room counter. They were the only two people left in the dressing room. Jordan heard Farkle's conversation with Lucas and decided to wait until the rest of the room cleared out or until Lucas left the dressing room of his own volition, whichever came first, before he spoke his mind to the Texan. Part of him knew he had no right to interfere, but he couldn't help it. Riley deserved to be happy.

"I really don't see how that's any of your concern," Lucas answered as his eyes ticked over to his rival. "Shouldn't you be happy I'm still in here anyway?"

Jordan leaned against the counter. "Why would I be?"

"I know you two went out on a date." He scoffed. "I'm the idiot who told her to do it."

Jordan smirked as he took the empty seat next to Lucas. "And I'm the idiot who thought for a second that she might be interested in someone else besides you."

Lucas frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Our date. You are curious how that went, right? Want to know all the details?"

Lucas clenched his jaw. "You're a cocky son of a bitch, aren't you?"

"No," Jordan replied truthfully. "I know that Riley deserves to be happy more than anyone else I've ever met…and she hasn't been. She hasn't been happy for as long as I've known her."

Both guys were silent for a few moments as Lucas debated on whether or not to ask him how their date had gone. His curiosity eventually won out. "How was your date with her?"

"Dinner…movie…walk home…kiss goodnight. You know…the standard stuff."

Lucas crossed his arms over his chest. Kiss goodnight. Great. There was another mental image he didn't need at the moment. "So, why aren't you out there now trying to take her on another date?"

"Because she doesn't want me." When Lucas lifted his eyebrows in surprise at Jordan, the brunette chuckled. "You're kidding me, right? Everyone saw how she acted with you tonight. Even the people in the back row of the balcony could tell how much she loves you."

"If she loves me so much, why did she go out with you?"

"That's what you're hung up on? One date…that you yourself has said that she went on because you told her to. You know what, Lucas? I'm going to fill you in on a secret about our date."

"And what's that, Jordan?"

"The whole time…and I mean every time she opened her mouth, she talked about you. I know more about you than I'd ever care to know. I even know that you order the chicken parmesan every time you go to the restaurant we went to."

Lucas frowned. "You went to Volare?"

Jordan laughed. "Yeah. We did. She was quiet for most of the night, but whenever she talked about anything, it was about you. That night we stayed up all night and talked…it was all about you. You are always on her mind." He slowly stood up. "I'd give anything to be on anyone's mind that much. You may have not been there, but your presence was definitely felt on that date. When I kissed her, she told me that she didn't have romantic feelings for me…but I knew that before she even told me."

"You may have heard the stories, but you don't know our relationship."

"Never claimed that I did, but like it or not, I do know her. I'm willing to bet $100 that she's standing outside of this door right now…waiting for the chance to talk to you because you are the only thing she thinks about." He walked toward the door, but turned to the Texan once more before he left. "So, if you're hiding out in here because you think for one second that she doesn't love you, then you don't deserve her at all."

Lucas looked at himself in the mirror as he heard the door close. _'She couldn't stop talking about me?'_

* * *

"Maya, you don't have to stay." Riley glanced around the empty auditorium. "Everyone else has left." Forty minutes since the curtain call and as far as she knew, Lucas was still in the dressing room. She wanted to wait for him. She needed to talk to him, but with every passing minute, her confidence wavered. What if he didn't want to talk to her? What if this was his way of telling her that he wasn't interested anymore?

"I'm not going to leave you," the blonde insisted. "Maybe, he just needs a little more time?"

Riley paused as she looked at the dressing room door once more. "Yeah. Maybe. Maybe…I'm too late."

One breath later, she saw the door open. Her eyes met his as he walked toward them. "Hey," he greeted. He surprised himself with how steady his voice sounded. He had known her for nearly two years now, but his heart always seemed to skip a beat when he saw her. So much had happened between them, but seeing those brown eyes always sent his heart into a frenzy.

"Hi," she responded. She had spent the better part of the night trying to come up with a huge speech that conveyed everything that she realized over the last few days, but one look from him, and suddenly, she forgot every single word.

"Geez cowboy…I wasn't sure if you died in there," Maya joked. She looked between the pair for a moment. "Um…I guess I'll head out…let you two talk."

Riley slowly turned her attention to the blonde. "Do you need me to walk you home?"

"No. Farkle went to the science lab to do something. He said he would walk me home."

"Ok," Riley hugged her. "You were great tonight."

"All of the sets are still standing at least, so I consider that a win." She glanced at Lucas. "Sorry for not telling you about the switch."

"It's fine," he assured her. "I understand why you didn't."

"Well, you two…just…have a good talk or whatever…Riles…call me when you get home."

As Maya slowly backed away, Riley smiled at her. "I will."

Once he knew Maya was gone, Lucas began to walk toward the stage. "I read your letter."

Riley nodded as she chewed on her bottom lip. Her palms began to sweat as she followed him to the stage. She had never been so nervous in her entire life. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that…but…I wasn't sure what else to do to—"

He spun to face her. "Is what everyone else saying true?"

She frowned. "Depends on what they're saying, I guess."

"Your date with Jordan. What happened?"

"Do you really want to talk about that right now?"

He nodded. "Please."

Riley crossed her arms as they walked to edge of the stage. They both sat down before she answered him. "He took me to Volare. I got the spaghetti. He got the…" she frowned. Their date was only two days ago, but she couldn't seem to remember what he ordered at the restaurant. "I don't remember what he got actually. Anyway, we went to a movie…then he walked me home."

"Anything else?"

"Yeah," she nodded before she looked out at the empty seats in front of them. She knew it would only give him more of a reason to push her away, but she wasn't about to lie to him. "He kissed me."

"Sounds like a good date to me."

She slowly shook her head as she stared out at the darkened auditorium. "It wasn't."

He tilted his head to the side as he continued to look at her. "It wasn't?"

"No," she folded her hands together in her lap. "Probably the worst date I've ever been on actually."

"Why is that?"

"Because…" she turned her head to look at him, "I couldn't stop talking about you. I tried to talk about the restaurant, the play, college next year…but everything I said reminded me of you. Every thought I had during the entire date was about you. Lucas, I don't even remember what movie we went to see."

He had to chuckle at that. "You don't?"

"No," she exclaimed. "Because the whole time it felt wrong. It felt wrong to be out with someone else when you were all I thought about. I told Jordan that I didn't have feelings for him...I don't know what I felt when he kissed me in Boston…maybe my head was so clouded from our conversation that I thought it was something else, but when he kissed me in front of my apartment building, I…I thought about you. Jordan…numbed me to what was going on…and I needed that in Boston, but with you…and our kiss in the costume closet earlier tonight proved it…with you…everything feels so…alive…brighter…like I can finally breathe again."

"Like you feel whole," he stated.

"Yeah," she nodded. She turned her body to face him. "There isn't anything going on between me and Jordan, Lucas."

"I know. He told me what happened."

"Oh." She looked down. "So, why did you ask me?"

"Because I wanted to hear your side of it." Needed to was more like it. What Jordan told him gave him hope, but he needed to know if it was true. He needed to hear it from her.

They were silent for a few minutes while Riley tried to gather the courage to ask him about the last entry in his journals. "Is it my turn now?"

"Yeah."

She swallowed. "You went to see Charlie."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "You read the last journal?"

"I read all of them," she answered matter-of-factly. "Seeing him made you realize that you haven't forgiven yourself for what happened at the ski lodge. Why?"

"Because I should have seen what was going on. My father abused me for years, Riley. I should have seen the signs." He knew what he wrote. He knew that he needed to do, but for some reason, he was still hung up on the fact that he should have known what Charlie had done to Riley months before they went to the lodge.

Riley frowned. He still blamed himself, and it killed her to know that. "You aren't to blame for what happened. Not even remotely. I hid it from everyone…even Maya."

He slowly shook his head as he stared at the orchestra pit beneath them. "That's different." Maya hadn't known that kind of abuse. She didn't know the signs like he did.

"How is it different, Lucas?"

"Because…because ever since we met, I've always had this desire…this need…to protect you…whether it was from him…or from me. And I felt like I failed you." He scanned the auditorium as his last sentence echoed across the room.

"Lucas," she began softly as she covered his hand with hers. "Sometimes things happen…people get hurt. It's not your fault. You saved me…remember? You got me through it."

He felt comforted by her hand on his, but he kept his eyes focused on the darkness in front of him. "And then I turn around and beat up one of our best friends in front of you."

"It was a stupid fight."

"It shouldn't have come to that." He sighed. "I've spent the last five months trying to make sure that never happens again." He forced himself to turn his head around to look at her. "If I ever…hurt you…I don't know what I'd do."

"You won't," she assured him as she gently squeezed his hand before letting go. She placed her hands back in her lap as she cleared her throat. "You aren't the same guy anymore. You know…when you said that you were afraid that I only wanted to be with you because of who you pretended to be on this stage…it hurt. I can't believe that thought ever crossed your mind. When I met you, I knew that you had the capacity to break my heart. I didn't even know your name yet, but I felt this…connection to you. It scared me. I had never felt that way before, so…you scared me. I was dating someone else but…deep down…I knew I wanted to be with you."

"And then you saw who I really was when I started dating Missy."

She shook her head. "No. I saw who you were that night at the library…when I fell off that ladder. You caught me and…I knew. Deep down, I knew that you were going to be…special to me." She swallowed. "I must have replayed that conversation a million times in my head…I still think about it. Looking back…that's when I knew…that what I felt for you…was love."

"You barely knew me."

"That's where you're wrong. You let down your guard that night. You let me in. We talked about what you wanted to be when you grew up, where you came from, even about Pappy Joe." She smiled. "That's the night I knew…and it scared me. When you started dating Missy, I tried to ignore that night, and how I felt when we talked. Then you walked down that aisle," she gestured to the space in front of her, "And you were there to paint some sets…and then you became Romeo." She looked at him. "I didn't fall for Romeo, Lucas. I fell for the guy who trusted me, a relative stranger, enough to share something he had never told anyone before. The play brought us together, but it was you I fell for…not the concept."

Lucas let out a long breath. "I pushed you away. I was scared of what I felt that night. I was scared I'd hurt you like I hurt Jessica." He looked into her eyes. "Now, look at us."

"When I read your journals, I realized that I had done everything I could to erase the nightmares except for one thing."

"What's that?"

"Forgive myself." She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "You need to forgive yourself too. The past is the past, Lucas. You can't let it dictate your future."

"You're right," he nodded. "I'm still working on it, but I'm hoping that maybe, one day, I'll get there. What about you?"

"Maybe…one day, I'll get there," she smirked. She slowly faced forward to look out at the empty audience. The pair fell into a comfortable silence they hadn't felt with one another in nearly a year. Riley's eyes fell to the front row as the dream she had flashed through her mind. As she stared at the vacant seat on the end of the front row, a small smile formed on her lips. The version of herself who hadn't read his journals. The version of herself who hadn't realized that she needed to forgive herself in order to finally move on.

Lucas noticed the faint smile form across her lips, and couldn't seem to help the small smile that formed at the corners of his lips in response. Riley's smile had always been contagious. "What are you thinking about?"

She let out a soft chuckle. Was she actually going to tell him about her dream? "Promise not to laugh?"

He nodded. "Of course."

"The other night I had this dream…and it felt like this."

He scanned the empty auditorium before his eyes landed back on her. She had a dream about an empty auditorium? "Really? What happened?"

"We were here on the stage…and…the front row consisted of all of the people who tried to stop us from being with one another at one point or another…my parents, your father, Farkle, Zay, Jordan, Charlie, Missy, Jessica, you…and me."

He had to admit that he was confused. Didn't she say they were on the stage? "How could we be here, but be there too?"

"Because…" she turned to him. "It was the former versions of us. The version of you in the audience was the old you…the guy who couldn't control his temper. The guy who gave up on us in Texas…who gave up on himself. The guy who couldn't forgive himself." She took a deep breath. "And the version of me in the audience was the girl before she read your journals…the girl whose head and heart were torn…the girl who didn't know she needed to forgive herself in order to move on."

Lucas tore his eyes away from her as he looked across the vacant front row. He was silent for a moment as he tried to envision her dream. "How did it end?"

The soft smile on her face slowly transformed into a grin as she remembered how perfect everything felt when the couple on the stage united in a kiss that held the promise of a thousand tomorrows.

* * *

 _ **A/N: There is one more chapter.**_


	41. Epilogue

_**A/N: Thank you. Thank you for reading these stories. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for the follows/favs/reviews/etc. They all mean more than you'll ever know. Thank you to everyone who has supported both of these stories in my attempt to create an AU world that contains the spirit of GMW while having a dark undertone. Thank you to my friends who have had to listen to me vent, ramble, laugh, and cry over this story for the last ten months. I want to name names, but I know I'll leave someone out, and that would destroy me, so thank you all for the support. This would not have happened without you guys. I finally wrote something that I am so proud of from start to finish. I never thought that would happen, and it did...all because of your support. The feedback I've gotten over the last ten months, good and bad, helped shape the story in one way or another. So, thank you. A thousand times thank you for reading this. I think that the ending reflects the heart of the story I was trying to tell, and yes, I left it open enough in case I decide to revisit this world again.**_

 _ **Warning: Contains character death.**_

* * *

Epilogue

 _10 years later…_

Riley let out a long breath as she sat down at the kitchen table. The last two weeks had been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster ride that she hadn't experienced since high school. As she listened to her best friend talk, she pulled the phone from her ear and put it on speakerphone.

"When are you coming back," Maya's voice filled the quiet kitchen.

"Tomorrow," Riley answered as she sat the phone down. She propped her elbows up on the table as she gazed outside. "It's an early flight, so don't worry about the shower."

"Riley, we don't have to have the shower tomorrow. I know the last few weeks have been crazy for you."

"No," she shook her head even though she knew Maya couldn't see her. "Well, it has, but I've already got everything arranged and everyone will be there. I need the distraction." So much had happened in the last two weeks, but this was the first time she had been alone long enough to process everything. All she wanted was to return to a sense of normalcy, but she knew it would still be awhile before that happened.

"Am I on speakerphone?"

"Yes, but everyone went to the lawyer's office to settle the will." She folded her arms across her chest. She felt her nose burn as she tried to quell the urge to cry. "I'm ready for things to get back to normal."

"I know you are. Is there anything I can do?"

Riley looked down at the phone as she lifted the corner of her lips into a small smile. "Have you thought of a name yet?"

There was a long pause on the other end of the line before Maya sighed dramatically. "No. We just can't decide. It's such a big decision. This kid is going to be stuck with this name for the rest of his life. It's a lot of pressure."

"I know it is. Just, come up with something that's meaningful for both of you. I'm sure that it's going to be a beautiful name either way, Maya." Riley turned her head toward the door when she heard it open. "Oh, they're back."

"Mommy, mommy," a four year old little girl called out as she ran toward Riley.

"Hi Cel," Riley grinned as she opened her arms for the small brunette. The little girl laughed as she jumped into her mother's waiting arms. Riley picked up the phone and brought it to the little girl's mouth. "Do you want to say 'hey' to Aunt Maya?"

"Hi Auntie Maya," the little girl giggled.

"Hi Celeste," Maya greeted. "Have you been a good girl?"

"Yep," she said as she snuggled into Riley's arms.

"I miss you," Maya told her. "Are you ready for our slumber party tomorrow night?"

"Maya, you really don't have to do that," Riley told her. "You're going to be wiped after the party."

"You're flying in and organizing the entire shower within hours. The least I can do hang out with Celeste and Joey while you take a few hours just to breathe again."

Riley looked down at her daughter. "Celeste, where's your brother?"

The curly haired brunette looked up at her mom. "With grandpa!"

"We're here!"

Riley turned her head back to the door as she watched Celeste's grandfather carry her two-year-old son through the kitchen. "Hey Patrick. How did it go?"

The older man smiled. "Good. We already knew what he wanted to do with everything. We just needed to make it all official." He looked down at the slumbering toddler. "Joey here passed out on the way home."

"Want me to take him? It's about time for his dinner," she gestured to the dirty-blonde haired boy in his arms.

Patrick shook his head. "Would you mind if I did it? I know you guys are leaving tomorrow. I kind of wanted to spend a little more time with them, if that's ok?"

Riley smiled. "Of course it is." She looked behind the older man. "Where is he?"

Patrick turned around. "I thought he was right behind me."

Riley picked up the phone. "Maya, I need to go. Our flight is scheduled to get in around 10."

"Ok. Yeah, I have the flight information. Don't worry about anything, Riles. Just come home. We miss you."

"We miss you too. Have a good night."

"You too."

Riley hung up the phone as she slowly stood up, Celeste still in her arms. She glanced at the small girl. "Do you want to stay with grandpa while I go talk to daddy for a minute?"

The little girl squealed with delight as she struggled to get out of Riley's arms. Riley sat her on the ground and watched as she sprinted toward her grandfather. Riley's heart warmed at the sight. "Send up a flare if you get into trouble," she chuckled.

"We'll be fine," he looked down at his granddaughter. "Right Celeste? Are you going to help grandpa with Joey?"

She nodded.

Riley smiled as she watched Celeste hug her grandfather's leg. Once upon a time, she never thought she would be able to witness such a perfect moment. Unfortunately for all of them, the picture would no longer be complete. She always knew that death was a part of life, and she felt guilty for being able to smile amidst all of the heartache that had encircled her family within the last few weeks.

As she walked outside, she spotted her husband in the front yard. His hands were stuffed in his pockets as he gazed at the crystal blue sky above him. She thought about giving him the privacy he seemed to crave at the moment, but when he turned toward her, she knew that he needed her.

It was incredible. She hadn't made any noise since she stepped foot outside, and she must have watched him for a few minutes before he acknowledged her. It shouldn't surprise her anymore that he always seemed to know when she was around. It was a part of the connection that they always had. Twelve years later and it was as strong now as it ever was.

As she approached him, she could see the tears that had welled up in his eyes. She would give anything to take all of this pain away from him. "Hey," she greeted softly.

He gave her a sad smile. It always amazed him that one small word from her always managed to lift his spirits and comfort him. "Hi," he answered as he pulled her into a hug.

Riley wrapped her arms around his neck when he began to sob as his grief washed over him. She moved her right hand up to rub the back of his neck as she tried to comfort him. "It's ok," she murmured.

"I miss him so much already," he sniffed as she tried to reign in his emotions. He had managed to remain strong when he heard the news of his grandfather's passing. He was strong during the services and while he heard numerous friends and family members tell story after story about how wild his grandfather had been 'back in the day'. Some of the stories he knew, but others he had never heard before. He hadn't made the connection until then just how much alike they were. Both wild, but also both tamed by the love and patience of the perfect woman. Both of his grandparents were gone now. His grandmother had passed when he was only five years old. He barely remembered anything about her, but always knew how much his grandfather worshipped her. He hoped that wherever they were now, that they were happy and together.

"I know," she soothed as she ran her hand through his hair. "It makes us human. It's normal. It doesn't really do much to comfort us, but I'm here, Lucas." She pulled back slightly from him to look him in the eye. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't know what I'd do without you," he answered as he pulled her against him once more. At that moment, all he wanted was to feel her around him. Her excuse for not going to the lawyer's office was so that she could get everything packed and in order for their flight, but Lucas could sense that she needed some time by herself, so he took the kids with him and his father to the office. He thought that he was strong enough to handle it without her there to support him, but as soon as he saw her, every morbid thought he ever had about losing her came crashing back to him. His grandfather had lived nearly twenty-four years without the love of his life. Lucas knew he wasn't strong enough to endure that kind of separation from her.

"And you will never have to find out," she assured him.

Pappy Joe's death had been a tough blow for the whole family, but it had been particularly rough on Lucas. They had always been close, but as the years wore on, the connection he had with his grandfather had only grown, especially when he and Riley became parents.

She continued to hold him as he allowed himself a few more minutes to grieve the loss of the man who always saw him as more than just some troubled kid. "He left everything to me," Lucas said softly when he finally pulled back from his wife.

"Isn't that what you and your dad thought he would do?"

"Yeah," he sighed as he looked up at the sky once more, "But I wasn't aware how much it all was. The farm, the animals, the equipment, all of his investments, everything." He let out a long breath as he looked around the yard. "I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to handle it all from two thousand miles away."

She wrapped her arms around his waist as she rested her head against his chest. "Well, you have me…and if you're worried about the farm…why not have your dad look out for the place? He's been taking care of things around here for years now anyway," she looked around the area. "I'm willing to bet he knows just as much as Pappy Joe did."

"That's what I was thinking, but wasn't sure how you felt about it."

She looked up at him. "Whatever you want to do."

* * *

"So, you think we should sell some of the older equipment," Lucas asked his father as they sat at the kitchen table with an itemized list of the assets held by his grandfather.

"Yeah," Patrick told him. "Even dad talked about getting rid of some of the old tractors and vehicles before he…got sick." He took a sip of the tea Riley made before he continued. "A lot of it is rusted and doesn't work anyway. We can scrap it and at least get a better idea of what he have and what we might need to keep things going."

Lucas nodded. "With all of his investments, I'm sure we can cover whatever we need." He scanned the list of stock briefly before he raised his eyebrows in complete shock. He looked up at his father. "He invested in Apple?"

His dad laughed. "I forgot about that. Yeah…he thought it had to do something with the fruit. He had no idea it was a computer company."

"He has a few thousand shares of it," Lucas looked to Riley. He had no idea his grandfather dabbled in the stock market at all until his will was read.

"That was dad," Patrick smiled. "He never went into anything halfway. It was always all or nothing with him."

"Sounds like someone else I know," Riley smirked at her husband.

Lucas shook his head as he looked back at the list. "I would have never taken a chance like that."

Riley pursed her lips. "I disagree with you there, Dr. Friar. You've taken quite a few chances in your day."

"Took a chance on me," Patrick spoke up.

Lucas glanced at him. "That's different."

"A chance is a chance, son. I'm only glad you gave it to me." He turned to his daughter-in-law. "Both of you. I-I know the circumstances have been terrible, but being able to spend so much time with Celeste and Joey the last few weeks has meant everything to me."

"It's meant a lot to us too," Riley smiled at him. "They love you."

It felt weird for Patrick to feel so happy when his father had passed away only two weeks earlier, but he couldn't believe how incredibly blessed he was. Ever since Lucas graduated high school, he had spent most of his summers in Texas. He even went to A&M for his post-graduate education. They hit a few bumps in the beginning, but after a time, he knew that his son had been able to forgive him for all of the mistakes he had made in the past. They were closer now than they ever had been, despite the fact that Lucas and Riley lived in New York while he was still lived in Texas. They were able to spend most holidays together, even sharing a lot of those holidays with Lucas's mother. He had always heard that children had the potential to bring families together, but had no idea how true that really was until Celeste was born. Both grandparents were able to move on from their turbulent past when they laid eyes on that little girl. "I love them. They're my whole world."

Riley loved how close Lucas and his father had gotten over the last ten years. It wasn't perfect, and she knew it never would be, but she knew that both men had been able to move past all of the hurt and anger, and managed to focus on everything that was right between them. She knew it had been a long road for Lucas, but she couldn't have been prouder of him. As she watched her husband pour over his grandfather's will, she no longer saw the hurt and angry teenager who came into her life like a hurricane twelve years ago. He was a veterinarian now. He was an incredible father to their children. He smiled a lot more than he frowned now. He laughed more than anyone else she knew. He was free now. They both were. "What else is on there?"

"The property…all 108 acres of it…the equipment…the truck."

"We can get rid of the truck," his dad informed him. "I don't even know if it works anymore. Must've been seven years since anyone has driven it."

"Oh, we're keeping the truck," Lucas answered as he continued to read the list of assets.

His dad tilted his head to the side. "Why?"

Lucas cut his eyes to Riley. "Sentimental value."

A blush crept up on the brunette's cheeks as she turned her back to Lucas in order to put her teacup in the sink. She didn't need him to elaborate on what 'sentimental value' he had for the truck. It may have been more than a decade ago, and while she was intoxicated at the time, she could still recall every single second she spent with him that spring night in his grandfather's truck.

When she looked back at him, Lucas winked at her. She quickly turned away from him once more, but not before he noticed the blush that had spread across her cheeks. They had been together for over a decade and married for five and a half years and he loved the fact that he was still able to make his beautiful bride blush with one suggestive comment.

They had been put through the ringer in high school. Both of them were put on completely different paths, but somehow, they always found their way back to one another. It wasn't easy, but the path to self-forgiveness never is. They took it slowly after the play. They took the time to get to know the new versions of themselves, the selves they wanted to be. After four years of college, complete with its own set of obstacles, he proposed to her the night after graduation. He was all set to go to A&M and become a vet, but he didn't want to leave her. He wasn't about to ask her to go with him, to change her entire life, but he needed her to know that she was the only one for him. So, he took her out for a celebration dinner. He was going to wait until he walked her home before he proposed, but they only made it halfway there before he dropped to one knee and asked her, because as a wise person once told him, when you love someone, you can't wait another second to start the rest of your life with them.

She said yes on the condition that she move with him to Texas. Lucas made sure that she knew that it wasn't necessary; that he wouldn't dare risk what they had while they were apart. She reassured him that she trusted him more than she had ever trusted anyone. Her reasons for wanting to move to Texas were simple: she wanted to be with him.

Six months later, they were married. A little over a year after that, Celeste was born. She was named after the night sky that had always fascinated them both. It wasn't always easy. He was in school and she worked full time, but somehow, they managed to make it work. Joey arrived a few years later, named after Lucas's grandfather. Now, two more years had passed and Lucas was a successful veterinarian in New York.

All because of her. Because she believed in him. Because she loved him.

As Lucas watched Riley leave the kitchen to check on their children, he thanked his lucky stars for every poor decision he had ever made in his life that led to that day on the subway when he first saw her.

* * *

The hill. The most magical place on earth for Riley and Lucas. As Riley watched the sun dip down over the trees, she tried to commit everything about the moment to her memory. She always felt connected to this place—from the first moment Lucas took her there. The memory of the peacefulness she felt when she sat on the hill carried her through some of her darkest days.

She absentmindedly ran her hand along the blades of grass as she laid on the same spot where they first confessed their love for one another. She couldn't explain it, but as she reminisced about days that had long since past, she could feel Pappy Joe's presence surround her. "I'll take good care of him," she spoke softly as the wind circled around her. "I promise." She closed her eyes as she felt the cool breeze against her cheeks.

"Mommy, mommy," her daughter's voice sliced through the silence.

Riley turned toward the sound just as the four year old nearly tackled her. As Celeste giggled with delight, Riley grinned. She sat up as her husband approached with Joey in his arms. "It's way past their bedtime."

"It's our last night here," he smiled as he sat down next to her. He looked at the sleeping boy in his arms. "Besides, I think we already lost one."

"He looks just like you." As Riley watched Lucas cradle Joey in his arms, she felt a powerful sense of déjà vu sweep over her. She looked all around them as she tried to place it. Everything around them seemed so familiar, too familiar. Even the conversation they were having. She seemed to know what he was going to say before he said it.

Lucas looked at his daughter. "It's only fair. Your mini-me is in your lap, and besides…he's not just like me. He has your—"

"Hair," she finished as her eyes widened in shock. A nightmare from over a decade ago came charging back at her as she stared at her husband.

He frowned when he noticed Riley shiver in fear. "Are you ok?"

She furrowed her eyebrows as she scanned at the sky above them. It wasn't the middle of the night. The sun had barely gone down, but everything else felt exactly the same. "Wow."

Lucas looked around them. Why did she seem so anxious all of a sudden? "What?"

"Remember when I had those nightmares…after the fight you had with Farkle?"

He nodded. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"This is the beginning of one of them." She looked around them before she looked at the little girl in her lap. "Even Celeste and Joey," she looked at the sleeping toddler in Lucas's arms. "I didn't know their names then…but they were there too." She swallowed as her panicked eyes finally reached her husband.

"Riley, it was just a dream."

She took a deep breath. "But I lost you in it. I lost them." She turned her attention to the sky. "I had completely forgotten about it…even though you told me not to. In it, you told me not to forget us…not to forget who we are." Her eyes wandered down to the ground. "There was an earthquake and this crack formed between us," she placed her hand on the ground. "Right here."

"That's not going to happen," he assured her as he placed his hand over top of hers. "Nothing is going to come in between us again. That's my promise to you."

She looked up at him. "Lucas, I need to tell you something."

A sense of dread filled him. He hadn't seen her act this nervous since they were in college. He knew that something besides some long forgotten nightmare had to have been bothering her. He let out a shaky breath. "What is it?"

"I was going to wait until things settled down, but I can't keep it from you anymore."

"Riley, you're scaring me."

"I'm pregnant," she said before she could stop herself. "I found out the morning you got the call from your dad about Pappy Joe. I-I wasn't sure how to bring it up with everything that's been going on. I know we talked about only having two kids, but I—"

"Riley Matthews Friar," he interrupted as he squeezed her hand, "You're pregnant?"

She nodded as tears formed in her eyes. "H-How do you feel about that?"

"I feel like…if we didn't have these two out here," he glanced at Joey and Celeste before he looked back at Riley, "I would show you just how happy I am right now." He grinned. "I only said two because I thought that was what you wanted." He leaned over to softly kiss her lips. "There needs to be more of you in the world."

Riley bit her lip as she looked into the emerald eyes that had held a million happy dreams for her. She didn't think it was possible to love someone as much as she loved him. She was constantly taken aback by how that love continued to grow day after day. When she saw all of the love he had for her in his eyes, she thought she was about to explode. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too." He slid closer to her as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She laid her head against his chest as they watched the stars slowly appear above their heads. "You know," he began as he marveled at the sky above them, "Farkle told me the day we got married that it was incredible how everything came together for all of us, and it really is if you think about it. Zay, Maya, Farkle, you, me…we all ended up exactly where we wanted to. After everything we've been through together, sometimes I find it hard to believe that it all worked out…that we all ended up where we were meant to."

A soft smile formed on her lips as she slowly closed her eyes. "It was serendipity."


	42. A little news

_A/N: *looks at watch* Well, seven months since I posted the epilogue which says that I doubt I'd write a third part. Wellllllllllllllll, I just can't seem to let go of this world. I've started a third part. The prologue has been posted. It's called "Elysian" and should be one of the top fics under my profile. If you care to continue this journey with me, then you can find updates under that title. Thank you all again for all of the support of all of my fics for the last two years. You've all helped me to improve and constantly challenge myself to produce works that only get better and better._


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